Chaos Never Felt So Normal

Endings

2007-12-16T14:35:00.001-08:00

I gave in to my weakness for his attention and saw him after being free of him for a month. The scene was not pretty and resulted in me being forced into sex against my will after I'd begged him to stop attempting to touch me and kiss me and seduce me into giving in to his will. I cried and finally gave in after realizing that it was happening and I could not not stop it as he was already inside of me.

I felt a part of me died in those moments. I had handled the situation as I should have and it was now blowing up in my face due to my desire to be with him and my hope that his feelings for me had changed. I learned in those moments how stupid I had been to hope for anything more than what was taking place. I had wasted a year on yet another person that had no vested interests in me or my well being....

I gave in to the moment and the experience was subpar because I no longer had the emotional involvement that makes a sexual experience that much better.

I fell asleep at some point and slept restlessly. The next morning I got up and told him that I'd see him later and then I caught myself and I said..."or not". I have not spoken with him since.

He sent me a text message on Thanksgiving saying "Happy Turkey Day, Turkey. Lol," and I responded with a "Ditto." I didn't hear from him until two weeks later with a "hello strager" message that I did not respond to.

As much as I am hurt by the entire situation, I have learned to accept that it will never be what I wanted and that we will not communicate again.

My "aunt" passed away today. She had been asleep in a room in my grandmother's house. My grandmother tried to rouse her for breakfast and she did not respond. She was only 61 years old and now she is gone without any fanfare..without the world having known that she was here.

This is a thankless world....

Another year....another loss

2007-11-08T23:55:00.000-08:00

So much has transpired since my last posting.

I began a second job as a Customer Service Rep in a call center, I resumed classes for the Fall semester and I broke up with the man that I'd been dating since last November.

At the beginning of October, I went in to the urgent care center thinking that I'd had a yeast infection. It turns out that it was chlamydia. After I confronted him, he admitted that he'd cheated on me during the month that we did not talk. He claimed that it happened once and all but he could not give me a definitive answer about why and if it would not happen again.

Although I offered to work through it, ultimately, he admitted that he didn't feel that he was cut out for relationships and that he wasn't really interested in a commitment.

I dumped him a week later.

He sent me a couple of text messages a week to two weeks after the split saying that he missed me or that he was thinking of me. I intrepreted those messages as meaning that he was horny and was hoping that I'd consider continuing to sleep with him without the burden of a relationship.....*sigh*

The entire affair left me feel deeply saddened and depressed. I cared a good deal for him and would have stuck by his side. Although my rational side can see the logic in the argument that he was not meant for me and that I am better off without him, my foolish heart has missed him terribly. I have not bothered to reach out to him and I've only cried a couple of times. It is still really hard though...we split on the 17th of October. Our one year anniversary would have been the 25th of this month.

This is the third man in a row that I have dated that has cheated on me. I have made a decision to not be embittered by this. I did enjoy the time while it lasted and there is a valuable lesson that I have learned from this terrible experience...casual dating is fine in it's place, but, I am not cut out for it. I have consistently approached my dealings with men that I date as if we are in a marriage...but, they have not held the same ideas or beliefs.

Should I decide to give someone else an opportunity to get to know me, I will not bother to sleep with him unless we get married. It will save me a world of trouble. In addition to that, I'm going to cease dating for the time being.

I want to get my first Bachelor's degree so that I can afford to get a good paying job outside of the state of California. I am anxious to get out of this place. It is terribly expensive and I do not hold too many fond memories these days....

To new beginnings....

2007-09-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

It has been ages since I have visited said blog and poured out my thoughts and feelings relating to my reality.

Things have taken a nose-dive in many regards. Work has seemingly driven me into the ground. My last paystub revealed that I worked 26 hours of overtime, three hours of double-time and missed at least 11 meals in a two week span.

In spite of the efforts, my staffing numbers were less than impressive.

To crown that off, my lack of responsibility from a few years ago finally caught up to me and I am suffering financially. I am on the brink of bankruptcy---correction, I have filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy and am a bit shell-shocked from it all.

My accounts have been frozen and therefore, my mortgage was not paid last month, nor was any thing else. My depression has been tremendous and I've been pursuing a second job in order to attempt to make ends meet.

I helped my elder sister to get a job with my current employer and she was involved in an incident while trying to prevent a fight. Unfortunately, she was painted as the aggressor by the actual aggressors and is now seriously considering submitting a resignation---as if I don't have enough problems....

I've been functioning on a minimum amount of sleep and making silly mistakes because of it. I have found myself at my wit's end and have threatened to purposefully get pregnant in order to be able to take a maternity leave! Lol.

With all of the chaos that has transpired in the last month and a half, I am inspired to work on making a fresh start.

Of course, from a financial perspective, I cannot make a fresh start until the terms of my bankruptcy are worked out next month. On the other hand, I can begin to make a list of priorities and work toward attaining smaller goals that will lead to my becoming financially stable once more.

I am definitely in need of some serious financial management education as well as budgeting. Thankfully, such education is mandatory for anyone going through the bankruptcy process. I only wish that I'd learned such concepts prior to getting into this mess.

I had a thought earlier today as I began to formulate yet another plan to implement in order to make a new beginning. That thought was that I've had countless new beginnings and they never seemed to work out. On the other hand, this is real life. We will not always succeed at every endeavor that we choose to undertake. It is essential that we never hesitate in the face of embarking on a new beginning. It is---after all, what this life is all about. Living, learning and improving.

To new beginnings...

...and Sleeping Beauty awoke to an ugly world....

2007-08-04T00:14:00.000-07:00

It's been one more night spent anticipating a call that never came. One more day wasted hoping that he would change.

One more chance extended and not taken. One more promise broken---and for what?

There is nothing good coming from dealing with him.

Although I came to this conclusion a while ago, I've continued to sleep with him and to rebuild hope and expectations from this---liar.

I am so disappointed in myself for my stupidity and my blind hope---hope that things would actually work out like they never have in the past.

Perhaps that is the little girl in me...still wanting to believe in fairytales or at least in happy endings.

This is real life and only those that least deserve it seem to find happiness.

Good Friday

2007-07-06T20:51:00.000-07:00

Part of my job functions are to train classes of employees as well as managers.

I have only been facilitating training classes for a little under a year.

I tend to be an introverted person, therefore, it was initially quite intimidating to get in front of groups of people and present materials.

I am proud to say that today's class went remarkably well.

Additionally, I misplaced my course outline, so, I had to do quite a bit of ad-libbing and I still managed to address all of the questions and concerns and to keep the class on track.

We finished the course on time.

What a happy Friday it was for me...

My gf called and it looks like she's in trouble....

2007-07-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

My gf called this evening. She was calling from a park while the guy that she was supposed to spend the evening with talked with people on the other side of the street.

Feeling a bit awkward, she reached out to me in order to have "something to do" rather than feeling as if she stuck out like a sore thumb.

She also shared that a good friend of hers was angry at her because she'd stood him up the night before when they were supposed to go out dancing. She'd done it to spend more time with the same guy that she was with today. The guy, whom she admits has not been treating her with any respect or consideration lately.

I told her that she has to make the choice to end his ill treatment of her--whether that is through refusing to see him or seeing him only when he is willing to treat her in a manner that makes her feel good.

She has been dealing with this guy sexually for several months. Early on in their interactions, they agreed that the relationship would not be able to develop into much more.

He is rude to her each time that she sees him. He has blatantly flaunted other women in front of her, taken her money but, she is having trouble breaking free of him. She fears boredom and ultimately, loneliness so she is willing to be mistreated for time and attention.

It is sad that such a beautiful, intelligent young person is wasting their time in a situation like this.

My situation has been no better. The only difference is that I am choosing to not subject myself to it at this time.

Why do we choose to hurt ourselves like this?

The calls

2007-07-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

I received a message from Ron yesterday.

He advised that he would be in town today working on his house. He also went on to say that he was giving me 24 hours notice (a reference to a previous convo. when I told him that I needed advanced notice to see anyone) and that he'd call today.

Mind you, I have not agreed to see him at any time. I have also not said that I would not see him.

It makes me angry that this is the same guy that led me on for so long and who also would not give me a desperately needed massage for my birthday.

It is apparent from his behavior that he is still seeking to use me. Each time that we have talked he's discussed massages and seeing me as if any good can come from it all.

I am still very angry with him and for this reason, I have continued to put off seeing him again.

In a way, I feel as if I have won in some sort of unspoken battle of wills.

After all, it has been over a year since I stopped seeing him.

Unfortunately, that year has not completely erased the memory of the pain that I felt when I found that he had been sleeping with another woman and that the only "us" that existed was in my head.

I am curious about why he wants to try and see me again. Is this his way of coming to terms with the decision that I made. Will he feel at peace once he realizes that he has conquered my decision to spend time with him again? Will he feel as if he's accomplished something? Or, will he instead seek to destroy my resolve to never be intimate with him or to trust him again?

Chair also left me a message last night. I did not feel strong enough to talk with him without bickering and seeming bitter.

He apologized for not calling me and said that he wanted to give me space since the passing of my grandfather.

That makes absolutely no sense to me. I think of how much I've needed to talk about anything other than death and loss and I'm grateful that I've had good friends that have helped me through this tough time.

He went on to say that his decision to give me space was no excuse considering the fact that I went out to visit him. He then stated that he misses me.

It is all too late.

A sequence of events have been set in motion and I am determined to never again let him touch the intangible parts of me.

Got a B+!

2007-07-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

I was so afraid that I wasn't going to pass my first course for the Summer session.

Fortunately, I passed the course and I even got a B+!

I suppose that the moral to the story is that I can succeed at this education thing as long as I continue to work at it.

Btw, I didn't call yesterday either!

The dance

2007-07-02T22:51:00.001-07:00

It is interesting how being single can be likened to participating in a dance.

There are the prospective suitors that will flit in and out of your sights....twirl you around and exit the floor.

They will hold your gaze as they smile down at you and dip you...attempting to make you

breathless with the excitement of it all. You coyly watch them from under your lashes as your

mind drifts back to another partner, another dance.....

But then you remember that it is all a game. You have no intention of dancing with this person

again. You will concentrate on the steps and hope to use them again once you've got them down

to an art....

Will....

2007-07-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

I spoke at length with Sir William and of course, he was able to offer advice that no one else did.

His message was consistent that things are over.

However, he pointed out why and how I had the power to choose how to handle it.

He used the illustration that things were in the death throes and how I could put band-aids on

the wounds, but, it would not stop the bleeding.

If we were really in a relationship, I would not need to question it.

A man knows how to make his presence felt and he would not leave a woman that he cared

about in doubt. I guess that I needed to hear it from someone who knows how my mind works...

anyway, Sir William is in some trouble, so I pray that the letter that I put together will help.

I just pray that he pulls through on things.

I love him so...

A thought

2007-07-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

It never occurred to me how connected we all are.

That is the best incentive for not treating others in a messed up way.

Today a cousin had to help me to fix my tires.

We never know who we will need to fall back on or forward on in times of need.

It makes me determined to be honest and try not to be hurtful when dealing with these guys.

I am going through this, perhaps, because I have walked away from at least one guy ( Paul) without offering any explanation of what the problem was.

To this day, he does not know the truth.

The same happened with Damien and now with this one.

The lesson that I was seeking has been revealed.

Even in a break up, treat others the way that you hope to be treated.

Perhaps you will get it back....perhaps not...but at least your conscience will be cleared.

Send it in a letter

2007-07-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

I wanted to reach out because things have changed a lot lately.

In my opinion, they've changed for the worst.

We only see each other to have sex.

You no longer call or message me.

I feel that I am a burden when I do come around.

We don't hang out.

We don't have fun.

I feel like I'm being used half-heartedly.

I want to know why things have changed.

Was it something that I did?

Or was it, perhaps, something that you did?

Have you met someone else and just don't know how to tell me?

Or is that your style and you won't tell me?

Is this the way that you truly break away?

Just don't say anything...

I can accept that---I guess

I am simply asking that since I am talking with you today...

That you level with me so that I can move on with my life and no longer pine after you or attempt to remain faithful to you when I'm not seeing or hearing from you unless I initiate things.

I do not want to leave you

I do not want to lose you

But it feels as if you are already gone

Like you were gone a long time ago

Good or bad

Please tell me something

Another day has come

2007-07-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

If today is the first day of the rest of my life...

I'm off to an effed up start! Lol

I've been woken up twice this morning...once only a few minutes after eight and just now.

This second time I was told that I will probably need to replace two tires!

I don't have the money for that. *Sigh*

I am tired...I miss him---a lot.

I tried thinking of what it was that I missed, but, other than the sex and the nice text messages, I could not figure out what I miss.

It still hurts.

I feel sad, rejected and lonely.

I tried to cry last night but I was too tired.

Do I really want to cry?

What lesson can I learn from this experience?

I want to ask what happened...what went wrong, but, he's going to try and act like I'm overreacting and I can't deal with that right now.

I just want to scream and cry....

At the end of the day...

2007-06-30T22:53:00.001-07:00

I went to Dylan's house for breakfast this morning around 11:30am.

He finished cooking and we ate at 1:30pm.

We talked a bit and I fell asleep for a few hours.

I finally got up around 4:30 and after talking for a little bit, I signed online and talked with Paula.

We went to the Super WalMart new his house and shopped for a couple of hours before I finally dropped him off.

I went by Paula's and took her the $15 that I owed her and dinner from Carl's Jr.

I then went to Taco Bell and got myself something to eat.

Now I'm home and I've had something to fill my belly.

I feel a little sad because I miss him---you know who---but, this too shall get easier to deal with.

*sigh*

Breaking away....

2007-06-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

So I'm not technically going on a date, however, I'm going to a guy's house this morning for him to cook me breakfast...

I need this to break away as things have plummeted with the last object of my affection.

I feel so damned depressed because I hate this part.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it....

Oh, btw, this is the start of day two.

I can't wait until I'm no longer counting!

Day one...

2007-06-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

So I haven't called since Sunday when he didn't return my call....

But I did send him a text on Tuesday and another yesterday.

Today will be the first day that I have not made any contact.

Today marks the beginning of my letting go.

*sigh*

I recall how difficult this was with both Ron and Damien, but, I will have to endure it.

It must be....

I love men

2007-06-28T22:08:00.001-07:00

How I love them....men.

Yet they hurt....like a shot.

Initially, they are sharp and keen---and then

....the heavy feeling sets in...

And I ache

I don't hate them, I love them so

And yet they burn

Like the flame from a candle

Illuminating my face as I gaze into its light

Oh but if only they would warm my neck and face with kisses

Stir my senses with caresses

How I do love men

But men do not love me....

Hope comes and fades

2007-06-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

The situation is hopeless, by my estimation.

With that thought in mind, I have began to entertain getting involved with Ron again.

The trouble with that decision is obvious: he hurt me twice before and is highly likely to do so a third time were I to allow him back into my life.

I feel restless like I need to do or say something.

Yet, something else holds me back from pushing the subject. I do not want to be made to feel as if I am overreacting.

There is another part of me that realizes that perhaps I am overreacting, yet, at the same time, I know what my heart and my gut are saying.

I've been trampled on enough times to recognize this feeling....

What changed?

2007-06-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

My bestfriend told me that although I've complained that the guy that I was seeing has changed...I have also changed.

I have decided to do an assessment to see how I have changed since meeting him. I am going to document the characteristics that I displayed initially and see if there is much of a difference now.

Open mind--I decided to keep an open mind despite what others were saying about him and his circumstances.
Expectations--I placed no expectations on him as I was still trying to get over Damien. I simply stated what I was seeking--nothing that was just sex and left it at that (after the first few days of agonizing that he'd told everyone about my late night visit).
Take him at his word--I decided that I would trust him and take him at his word---in spite of the rumors and what others said. This was what I would do so that I could sleep at night without stressing myself out.
Positive--I always had a positive attitude and nice things to say. I was feeling positive about things in general and it showed.
Openly affectionate--I was openly affectionate with him and expressed my desire for him without hesitation.
Communication--I was less verbally forthcoming about my feelings for him.
Available--I was often readily available to talk to him whenever he called and wanted to see me.
Fun--I had fun when I was with him and looked forward to spending time with him in order to have fun.
Spontaneous--I was spontaneous when it came to spending time with him.
Options--I had other options and was with him because I wanted to be---not because I felt that I had to be.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

2007-06-25T05:47:00.000-07:00

was the day that he finally passed.

It was a hard 24 hours as the full magnitude of what happened hit us all.

He will be missed for years to come....

Revived ----but not for long

2007-06-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

They were able to revive him and restart his heart.

They say that his heart is not pumping hard enough in order to sustain life and if he codes again they have the option of installing a pacemaker. Unfortunately, the surgery will likely kill him.

It has been decided that if he does code again, they are not to perform the surgery but to let him go if he does not respond to their rescue efforts....

Gone

2007-06-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Floyd passed away a few minutes ago after coding.

He'd been in the hospital since Memorial day and I feel that it was related to the medical malpractice of the hospital staff.

So it is Done

2007-06-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

He finally did something that triggered enough anger and hurt that I have finished it.

Things began to take a decline at the start of May.

I first began to notice the distance when he didn't plan to see the fight with me, but, rather, saw it with his "brother."

In the past, he had seemingly sought every opportunity to invite me out to gatherings and functions, but, this time, he did not bother to do so.

I did what most silly people in that position do---don't say anything and opt to shower him with reassurances and affection to ensure that he did not forget that I was a lovesick fool waiting on standby for him to sh*t on me at his leisure.

So I decided to plan some get togethers because we weren't seeing each other or talking to each other as much.

I decided we'd go to see a game at a sportsbar. That lead to the last fiasco.

Then he left the state for a vacation and I didn't hear from him daily as he had heard from me when I was gone and when he returned and I gave him a few days before reaching out to him and seeing if we could get together and he talked about being tired and needing to get back in touch with me later in the week when it was closer to the time----as if I was only some second rate back up plan worthy chick!

So I smiled and took it up the @ss and went out there short notice with my bag of surprises and we had a long sexy session.

The next day, I wanted to go out to eat together and spend a little more time together and he tells me that he doesn't feel like it and that we're spending time together right then. So I literally took that lying down....

When I returned from picking up some fast food...we ate outside and he had the audacity to tell me that he didn't know what my plans were for the weekend...so he'd made plans to go out and work on getting sponsors and his ride was on the way....

So I took that...

The next day...I flipped out and called to ask what had been going on and he claimed that he's been busy after I flashed on him.

Later that week he attempted to be more attentive by sending text messages versus calling...and Saturday night when he decided that he could spare a few hours to screw me....he called and I ignored it and went out dancing.

I called him later but he didn't answer and I left him a message.

So the next day we talked for like ten minutes tops and it was ok.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the week.

I sent text messages. Sometimes he'd respond. Other times he wouldn't.

I called him Thursday night after he failed to respond to any of my affectionate messages that I'd sent.

I wanted to tell him that I'd be coming out Friday.

He never called me back.

The next day he sent a text with the lame excuse that he was hanging with his sister.

I told him that I was coming and to save me a seat. He told me that I'd better be there on time versus being late.

Based on that, I knew he didn't want me to come, but, I talked myself out of that notion and went to great lengths to look my best and make it out there.

When I arrived, he asked for a hug and didn't bother to make eye contact.

Throughout the evening, I hardly got a glance.

At the close of the evening, after he's had enough alcohol to be jovial, he comes to apologize for ignoring me and tells me that he's got plans first thing this morning relating to one of his children.

I had not really prepared to stay out there that night, but, hadn't shut out the possibility of doing so.

When he said that, however, I was both hurt, angry and felt so insulted.

He should have told me that before I came or at the start of the evening so that I could have left after the show!

I lingered around for another awkward ten minutes or so and then decided to say goodbye and leave.

So he thanks me for coming and tries to ask what I was doing Saturday (tonight) and I said I was going out which is why I'd come out that night. Then he asked about Sunday and I pointed out that it was Father's day so then he's like Monday and I told him that it was MONDAY. So then he's like we've got to plan a date and I told him that it was on him and that I'd planned the last three and how he was going on my deletion list and he laughed.

I am so hurt and angry and feel so used and disrespected.

F*ck him and damn him to hell for treating me this way.

Need an escape

2007-05-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling so angry and negative for the last few weeks.

I believe that my sister's situation has proven to be a catalyst for the negative things that have been bogging me down to choke the joy from me.

I am so physically and emotionally drained right now.

Whereas a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world, with all sorts of energy, now I find that it is hard to get out of bed and I don't want to do anything.

I feel so tired.

Maybe I should take a trip this weekend....

Frustration is a constant companion....

2007-05-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

I feel so angry and unappreciated. I feel so frustrated that I could scream!

I have shed a few tears and wish that I could cry more. Then, perhaps, I would have a little relief from these bitter emotions that are swimming within me.

All day long I have battled feelings of nausea brought on by a great many things including personal distress.

I decided to take the bull by the horns and contact my "bf" and asked when he would be available, preferably during the weekend for us to get together.

He told me that it was only Tuesday and that he'd have to get back in touch with me.

Does he think I'm a complete idiot?

How dare he wait to see if he can find plans before agreeing to see me.

It is clear that I need to walk away now before things get any worse.

I have been fighting with my son's dad for the last week. He's not paid a cent in the way of child support, in spite of the fact that our son is FIVE and he's currently planning a September wedding!

He's been telling me since October that he was going to begin paying the court appointed monies and I've been patient each time that he's delayed his start date.

I am so frustrated that I blew up at him.

I just want an opportunity to step away from everything for a bit and regain my perspective.

I am so unhappy right now.

So frustrated, unhappy and sad.........

After the blow up....

2007-05-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

The last time that I went out with my "boyfriend," (yes I'm still in denial about it all----sometimes) I wound up having a major melt down.

I still have a hard time believing it even though it was almost exactly two weeks ago (it will be two weeks on Wednesday).

A lot of things have been going on that have had me stressed out to the max. My younger sister was in three accidents, totalled her second car in six months, hit someone and didn't tell us and the insurance company won't cover it....there comes ANOTHER lawsuit and has skipped 34 full days of school this semester. Simply put, she is NOT graduating high school and will possibly be not going to UC Berkeley where she's been accepted and has received a scholarship!

I have taken care of her and my other baby sister since before I was an adult so it was like finding out that my child was not going to make it.

To top all of it off, I also received a phone call from Ron and he was telling me that he had something to tell me that he could only say in person. I assumed the worst and guessed that he'd given me some terrible STD, but, he finally told me that it was not that.

It turns out that he was only using this as an excuse to try and get me to speak with and possibly see him. I had not taken his calls or communicated with him since he refused to give me a massage around my birthday.

So anyway...earlier in the week, I'd decided that I wanted to see my bf without spending the evening hanging out at his house. I also decided that the only person that I can expect to fulfill my needs is me, so, I invited him out to watch one of the playoff games at a sports bar. I figured that it was a two for the price of one deal.

I'd get to watch the Spurs and also spend some time with him.

Initially, we had a good time.....hell, I'd even go so far as to say that we were having a GREAT time.

The game was going well, he was mixing and mingling some and all was good.

Part way through the evening, I found out that it was karoke night at the place. I was not really feeling sticking around for it, but he was gung ho for it and signed up for a couple of songs.

Unfortunately, what should have been a date of a couple of hours, wound up being five plus hours spent in a damned sports bar.

I'd told him three hours into the ordeal that I was tired and ready to go. Mind you, I'd worked earlier that day and was ready to spend some time with him one one one prior to going home.

*sigh*

It was not to be....

By the fifth hour, I was tired, slightly irritated, but, holding it together.

He approached me initially to tell me that some woman had bitten him and some other guy. I immediately wanted to know who. He wouldn't tell me and was laughing about it.

I blew him off and went back to listening to people sing.

Not long after that, I look up to see some woman hanging onto him as some guy struggled to pull her off him.

It was the final straw for me.

He and I got into a disagreement because he had not told her to stop and I told him I'd leave, he said fine so I left.

I was fuming and went to my car to wait for him to come out.

He came out talked to me and tried to talk me into going back in, but, I was so furious that I could not. I told him that not only was this his fault because he'd failed to stop her, but, that we should have left hours before as I'd requested.

We eventually went back to his place where he continued to pacify me prior to our making love.

The next morning, we had a rational conversation about things and I apologized for losing it and he pointed out that he was aware that there was more to my blow up than what had taken place last night.

Although we parted on good terms, I still feel akward. I did not go to his show that weekend, nor did he ask if I was going. He went to Atlanta for a relative's graduation for a week and we sent a few text messages to each other but didn't talk on the phone.

I continued to stress myself out regarding the situation (not talking on the phone, my little sister's situation). I had my first migraine in two years and my menses which usually lasts seven full days was only three days this month.

I did not eat for most of the weekend and had body aches and felt fatigued.

When he called me on Sunday to tell me that he was back, I found myself falling back on my old habit of not really responding emotionally and I even sounded disappointed when he told me that he was back in CA (purely an accident).

I know that I am not happy right now, but, I do not know how to communicate with him that I am going through my own stuff and should probably just take a breather when we have already just finished a breather.

I suppose that my concern is that he's going to have some misguided sense of anger that I didn't call him when he was gone (he sometimes plays the insecurity card) and I don't want to deal with that.

I am having a struggle holding it together right now.

I care for him, but, I'm not ready for anything too intense.

What in the hell should I do?

New York, New Jersey....What's Next?

2007-05-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

I recently returned from a business trip to New Jersey that was followed by a weekend in NYC.

I loved it!

I went out with co-workers from the Irvine center and we met up with some of the employees from the Basking Ridge center.

We had a blast!

The highlights of going out in NYC:

Clubs shut down at 4 or 5 in the morning

Guys love to pay

Cabs----No need to drive!

Did I mention that guys love to pay?

Lots of restaurants open even AFTER the club shuts down

I can't wait to get back out there!

Life in a Bubble

2007-04-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

I just had a realization: I've spent the last eight years living my life in a bubble.

The thing that triggered this thought was the idea that people find long lost friends and loved ones on MySpace.

I decided that I'd give it a whirl and try and find some friends. The trouble came when I realized that there are only two or three people that I'd like to find if any.

I found one of the three people that I attempted to find.

She's not really even my speed. I just could remember her name.

As I attempted to rack my brain and think of search terms, it came to me. That profound thought that I had not made any real connections outside of sexual ones in the last eight years that I'd bother to try and cultivate.

I've spent the last ten years in a bubble.

So I put it in a Letter...

2007-03-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

I panicked and sent him a long long letter on Tuesday morning. I was then afraid of what his response would be.

I did not get a phone call, nor had he responded to my message by that evening, so, I called him and asked him if he'd read my letter (the letter was a two page Word document, mind you) but I'd sent it to him on MySpace.

He told me that he had not checked his messages that day and so I asked him if he'd like to see a movie the next day and he agreed.

He asked me what the letter was saying and I told him that it said everything that he wouldn't allow me to say to him in person. He laughed and told me "here we go again with that." I told him that he should have listened to me and that I could have probably summed it up in five sentences but that it was a fairly lengthy letter.

I then asked him if he'd like to see a movie on Wednesday evening and he agreed.

We had this convo around 7:25 pm.

He'd called me by 8:01 pm and wanted to know what it was and why I wasn't answering my phone.

I hadn't received his call as I was having dinner and getting ready to attend a poetry reading.

He called back a couple of times while I was at the reading, but, I was too nervous to take his call.

A part of me was afraid to hear what he would say while the other was anxious to know where we stood.

When I finally got in from the reading, it was a little after one in the morning.

I logged onto MySpace and read his response which was "oh what the hell, let's give it a try."

I was all excited and nervous and felt that the stress had been lifted from my shoulders.

After having been stressed and depressed for close to 48 hours straight, I'd finally be able to get some sleep!

He called me soon after and I asked him if he'd read the letter and he said that he had. I didn't tell him that I'd read his response.

He wanted me to come down and said that it was an emergency. I said that I couldn't because I had to teach a class the next day, (Wednesday) and I had a career fair. We were scheduled to see a movie on Wednesday night, so, I told him that I'd see him then.

We were supposed to see 300, but I was late so we wound up seeing GhostRider. The movie was so cheesy that we had to laugh at it.

After the movie, he asked if I was interested in doing something else or if I just wanted to go the house. I told him that I was up to go do something else. We finally agreed on going to shoot pool.

We played a game and he thoroughly kicked my ass but I had a good time. I then encouraged him to play with some guys that were waiting to use the table who would pose more of a challenge.

At one point he pulled me down into his lap and told me to kiss him. I complied and he said to me "You love you some big daddy don't you?" and I said "I think that I've said enough, don't you agree? You haven't said anything." He looked me in the eyes, just as sober as a judge and said to me, "I love you, Miss V." Just like that.

I wanted to ask him why, but, I didn't think that it was the appropriate thing to do. After all, I was quite curious. Earlier that week he denied ever having said it all. Now he was saying it to me and leaving little room for doubt.

Lost

2007-03-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

I told him that he was the n*gga that I was fucking...and I talked on the phone to Paula about different experiences and he was in the room and even when he'd asked me what we were I didn't answer and now...now I think that I've lost him for good and I feel like shit.

No More "I love you's"

2007-03-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

I noticed that he hasn't said or text "I love you" or "love ya" since the "incident".

It occurred to the me other day after a friend had sent me a message with "love ya" and I laughed and said something about not starting that crap again.

I wonder what it all means, other than of course, the obvious. He has been deterred or perhaps he realizes that it will not work with me.

Loss

2007-03-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

My close friend lost his father yesterday.

He actually found him. It is tearing him up inside and it hurts to see him suffer as he is.

Things that are left unsaid

2007-02-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

I recently spoke with a good male friend about his latest conquest.

He has admittedly been sleeping with a multitude of different women of late, simply because he can.

As he told me about this latest woman that he'd slept with, I asked him what she believed the nature of their relationship is and he told me that she believes that they are sleeping together and building toward something---that "something" being a committed relationship.

He then went on to explain how he did not want to be with her at all but is actively pursuing another person.

This led me to wonder: If this woman had the knowledge that the relationship did not have the potential to evolve beyond the sex, would she really be interested in sleeping with him at all?

Granted, many of us have sex with people because it feels good---nothing more---nothing less.

In most cases, many of us want to have sex with someone that we can potentially, build a relationship with.

How many of us "date" people that we know we have not got the slightest chance of a future with?

I know that I, personally have done it on more than one occasion and have justified not telling the other party because I felt that it was not his business.

A part of me wonders whether or not the knowledge of that would really make a difference when it came to his decision to see me.

After all, if one is getting to spend time and have sex with someone that they are attracted to, does it really matter if it will not turn into more?

This information might be significant to some. The knowledge could ultimately impact their lives in more ways than one could imagine.

I suppose that it reveals that the things that we don't say in relationships are often just as important, if not much more important than those that we do verbalize to each other.

I think about my situation with Ron and how things played out.

For a very long time he did not bother to articulate that he felt that we really had no long term potential. Had he verbalized that when he initially made the conclusion, I would not have bothered to see him anymore or, at the very least, I would not have bothered being exclusive.

This thinking leads me to Damien. Damien was honest from the start about his unwillingness to get into a relationship. He did the opposite of what Ron did and was open about that from the outset.

This knowledge helped to keep me from blaming him for my dissatisfaction with the "relationship" and ultimately offered me the incentive to choose to stop dealing with him romantically.

I wonder what were the things that he didn't say to me that he must have thought about me or the relationship. Would I be surprised by them?

He called again....

2007-02-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

Ron called today.

I'd sent him a text message the other night wishing in a Happy Chinese New Year.

I listened to his voicemail after he'd left it this morning. I decided to return his call this evening.

He thanked me for the message and asked the usual questions.

He asked if I was ok and I told him that I'm fine and always doing well. I asked how he'd been as he'd been sick lately and he told me that he was better and had to get onto antibiotics after we'd talked.

I pointed out that I'd been right and reminded him that I'd been knocked off my feet in December by an illness.

He asked how was work and I mentioned that I was training managers on how to interview and he said that he wanted me to come out and train him on how to speak in public.

I laughed it off and he told me that he would like to see me.

He also stated that it's been a long time. I told him that it hasn't been that long and he said that it was like four or six months.

Not true.

The last time that I can recall seeing him was in SF when I was on a date with two men. :)

Whatever the case...I just ignored the statement and he asked about my son and I told him how he's been doing and how I want to do something big for his birthday.

We talked for a few minutes more and he mentioned again how he'd like to see me and then he "got a call" and I told him that I'd talk to him later.

It's amusing to me that he bothers. After all...is it that serious that you'd bother to reach out to a former piece of a*s that's not even local?

I suppose that if given the things I did in the past, it wouldn't be a bad deal for him.

I did the bulk of the travelling and all.

Why can't I just find someone who is what he claims to be?

Chair also called.

When I returned his call after work, he claimed that he was witnessing a Kirby vacuum demo and I told him that he could call me back. He said ok.

He didn't call.

I'm tired of his shit.

Questions are whizzing through my mind

2007-02-17T20:17:00.000-08:00

He sent me a musical text message for Valentine's Day after telling me that we couldn't get together on that day because he "has things to do." OoooooooooooooK

So I didn't bother to respond to his text, nor did I contact him until nearly midnight on Thursday night (in response to a message that he'd left that evening wishing me a good day).

On Friday, against my better judgment, I went out to see his show all by myself.

I'd tried to get several male friends to go with me, but, had been unable to secure a "date."

It was my intention to show up with a man and try and make him jealous.

I am glad that I did not manage to get anyone.

When I showed up, he was looking extremely sexy with his hat on and dress shirt and jewelry.

He appeared like the "player" that I have accused him of being.

It was supposed to be a comedy roast for his birthday and so there were several comedians there to do just that.

I felt myself feeling (several emotions that I cannot name all at once) when his friend said that he didn't want to put him on blast but that he was getting more p*ssy now that he was in the wheelchair than when he could walk.

I also felt that same emotion (threatenend, betrayed, angry, scared?) when he talked about his "dating" experiences including going down on someone and getting stuck by her legs and women getting mad when they found his mother's thongs in the laundry.

It didn't help that he talked to a bunch of attractive women and seemed to be receiving a lot of "love" more than I was comfortable with.

I made it a point to not pay attention to him during those times and try not to let my feelings show on my face.

I am not sure what I really want out of my dealings with him.

I am clear that I want full devotion. That is a constant for me.

Do I really believe that I will ever get that? No.

It doesn't hurt to want though, does it?

However, when I went into the club...he did tell the bouncer that I was his "girl." He also referred to me as such a couple of other times later in the evening, BUT, it was to his friend that we were giving a ride....so it's not like he's announced to anyone that we are an item.

The vestiges of the rational person that I was pre-sex realizes that I should not allow for these experiences to bother me.

On the other hand, it is hard for me to control the addiction.

We had sex when we finally came in. As usual, he was incredible.

He took my "anal innocence" the previous Friday and he wound up getting in last night and giving it to me for a while.

I finally had to stop him when he began to pound me.

I think that it would have been ok if I'd had some lube on board, but, we were using his saliva (which tends to abound) and so that had to work.

Afterwards, he gave me a really good back massage and I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and it was apparent that he'd been hurting.

He was still outside of the covers.

Perhaps he was hurting or perhaps too tired to get up during the night and get under the blankets.

Perhaps it was a combination of the two....

I kissed his forehead and came awake.

I rubbed his back for a time and finally left after kissing him goodbye and thanking for him having me again and again and again...

An hour or so after I got home, I received a phone call from him. He wanted to ensure that I'd made it home safely.

He had not done that in a while....

We had a brief conversation last night as he was rubbing my back.

He'd mentioned that he sometimes doesn't like talking to me because I raise my voice.

That is apparently a pet peeve of his. The thing is that I don't raise my voice when talking to him...but I'm a loud person by nature so I think he sometimes perceives my yelling when in fact, I am not.

I told him that I oftentimes give in to his way because he's an Alpha male and I knew that I wouldn't win and he readily agreed.

Lol...

What have I gotten myself in to?

Last Friday

2007-02-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

We went out on a "date," I guess.

Prior to going to his house, I'd showered and shaved my legs using a different technique. For the first time in my life, my legs were perfectly smooth. I rubbed baby oil gel on my legs and they felt like a dream.

I arrived out there and he immediately commented on how good I looked.

I laid on the bed beside him and began to watch television while he felt me up.

Eventually, he was removing my pants and one thing led to another...

He f*cked me thoroughly.

I had multiple orgasms and the final one that I had was so strong that I thought that I was seizing based on the full body tremors that I was experiencing coupled with my eyes rolling, etc.

He turned me over and began to hit it from the back...

It felt good...but then....

He began to try and put it into THERE

He told me to do it and I said that I couldn't so...he worked and managed it.

Initially, it stung a little and then he was in and working me over.

I was apprehensive about being torn and stretched so I told him that he wasn't supposed to be moving once he got in there.

He held still and manipulated my nether parts with his fingers while he kissed my neck...

I had two problems with this experience:

During a break..while he was still inside me and my body convulsed....he took a phone call...what the hell???

Also...we wound up going to the movies and he didn't hold my hand during the show.

Otherwise, I had a pretty good time.

I went home that night and came back the following night with my gf, as he was scheduled to host a comedy contest.

Unfortunately, no one else showed up other than the comedians.

I'd asked him for directions to his show, thinking that he'd realize that I was referencing the show that would take place the following night.

Instead, he gave me directions to the site of his show that would be held the following week.

I got lost and finally called him and received directions to the site of the contest.

When I got there, there was no one there other than he and his friend and another person or two.

I told him that he'd given me directions to the wrong place and he insisted that I'd asked about the location of his show and pointed out that this wasn't his show. I told him that it was his show as he was hosting it. He continued to prattle on and his friend cut in and said that their shows were always packed and began to ask if I'd been to their shows. I told him no. As the friend began to elaborate on how their shows are, my knight in shining wheelchair began to show his ass.

He said something about how it wasn't his show and put the show card right in face and began going on about it and was very angry. When I turned my attention to him and tried to pacify him, he said something about how I ignored him when he was talking to him and how he would not be disrespected and all of this stuff.

I know that he overreacted because my gf was right there and felt that he was going off unnecessarily as well.

I tried to sit in his lap and he was not having it and told me that he didn't want me on his lap if I was going to be disrespecting him and listening to someone else when he was trying to talk to me.

Ultimately, he never bothered to apologize. I said some things to him as I rubbed his shoulders and worked to calm him down.

We hadn't had dinner and no one had shown up yet, so, we went and got some fast food.

By the time I returned, he and I were cool again.

He even insisted that I give him several kisses and all.

All and all...it was another example of his volatile temper.

I felt that it was bordering on abusive....

He's a F*cker

2007-02-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

I have decided that he told me "I love you" because he was either 1) drunk or 2) trying to manipulate me into not losing interest after the performance that he put on at his party.

We hardly spoke to one another during the party...which was partly my fault. I sat in a chair and didn't really feel like mingling as it took several hours before people really showed up.

He never told me that the mother of his children was going to be there. I wouldn't have bothered going as I didn't want to give anyone the wrong impression.

If that weren't enough, after four or five hours, we finally sang the song and then he gave a speech. He thanked his mother, his children, the mother of his children, the host and hostess, the dj and even the gay guy over in the corner for coming. Although he made eye contact with me, he did not mention me.

I felt slighted, but, I told myself that we didn't have any relationship established and therefore, it was alright. After all, I'd decided that this would be the last time that I spent with him...

After the group disbanded, I went to get my purse. I was going to leave. I had stayed for the cutting of the cake and needed to get home as my child was here waiting with my family and I had to go to my aunt's house the next morning for her birthday party.

They gay guy (I can't remember his name but he's cool as hell) was like, "You're not leaving yet are you? You can't go right now!" I allowed myself to be swayed into staying.

I decided that I would go into the kids' playroom and do something to take my mind off of things. I went in and played basketball and hair salon and with the building blocks before he put in an appearance.

He played basketball with one of the older children for a while and then got ready to leave the room.

He asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was doing fine. One of us asked if the other was having a good time and I can't recall what the response was. He then apologized for not giving me enough attention and I told him that it was ok. It was his birthday and he needed to enjoy his guests.

He then pulled me onto his lap and tried kissing me. I told him that he needed to learn to kiss because he kissed me too roughly. He told me that he did know how to and demonstrated as much, but, I stopped him as there were children present.

In retrospect, I cannot recall if this occured before or after his ex had left.

You should know that I attribute a lot of his standoffish behavior to her presence and I feel that he definitely wants to be with her again. After having seen how easily they get along and the obvious affection that they have for one another, I cannot fathom why he would not.

My feelings are also supported by the fact that he didn't spend any length of time with me until well after she'd left. Granted his oldest child was there, but, he was upstairs for the majority of the evening.

Anyway...so the evening progresses. At one point, (after the ex had left of course) we even did a duet of sorts and some heavy flirting.

He had touched me repeatedly thoroughout the evening, but, now, he grabbed me between my legs and said something about how it was his and I told him, that it belonged to my parents. This went back and forth for a while and he bragged about how he'd earned it with all of the orgasms that he'd given me.

I told him that there was no way that I'd admit that my ass was his in public and that that was something that we'd have to discuss in a more private setting or perhaps in a more public venue....and he was like on camera? And I told him, hey...perhaps even a live audience (joking of course).

He was like, oh it's like that, huh? Ok. Ok. Although his tone was light, my instincts told me that that would not be the last that I'd hear about that.

The evening went on and there was more singing, some dancing and there were even some jokes told by the guest of honor.

His mother decided that she was ready to go.

She couldn't find her keys and after several people looking around for them for about fifteen or twenty minutes, I went right to them in the chair.

I then offered to help her out to her car with the things that she was taking. She accepted.

Just to prefance this all, he had received and made phone calls throughout the evening. He'd given directions on some of the calls that I heard.

When I helped his mother to the car, he was already outside and talking with two women.

I finished helping her to load the car and then I went to my truck and got my jacket and went inside the house. I never acknowledged him or the two women.

We were supposed to be playing Taboo.

I waited inside the house with the host, hostess, their brother and sister-in-law an d the dj while he chopped it up outside for half hour or forty-five minutes.

The host and hostess were looking at me like, 'where's he at' and I'm sitting there trying to maintain my calm.

I decided that I was going to leave once he was finished.

The host went out and checked on them a time or two and finally they all wound up in the playroom.

The women stayed for another ten minutes or so and left. He never introduced me to either of them.

The host told his wife that one of the women worked as the security officer at their club.

Once goodbuddy rolled his ass into the room, I informed him that I had to leave and wished him a happy birthday and gave him a hug.

The hostess looked to her husband and asked him if he was going to take Chair home. He was like, "I guess." He then looked at me and asked if he was going with me. I told him that I ddn't know if he was ready to go but, that I had to leave town early in the morning so I was taking off.

Chair agreed to go with me and we took off.

As we left out of the side gate, I struggled with it. He told me that I needed to pull it hard and I told him that I was trying. (I had his gift basket that Kk had made in my arms as well as my purse) Just as he was trying to come over to help pull it, I managed it.

I told him that he wanted to play knight in shining wheelchair a little late as we made our way to the truck.

He then told me that I wanted to be strong only some of the time and I told him that that's how it's supposed to be and that as a woman, I should be able to rely on the man that I am with to be strong for me as needed.

He said something about he was always wrong or always in trouble and I told him "Whatever."

We drove to his place with the music playing and not really talking although he apologized again for not giving me enough attention. This had been the fourth apology.

I told him that I am a big girl and that it was his party, I'd had a good time and would be fine.

I got to his house and cut the engine and he didn't immediately make a move to get out. I asked him if he was ready or if he wanted to sit for a little bit and he said that he did want to sit for a little.

I turned the engine and the heater back on and turned on my cd player and searched for a song. He grabbed my chin and thanked me for coming and told me that he was glad that I had made it. He then told me to crawl over onto his lap.

I told him that I had some tricks that I'd learned in the car and could demo them. I climbed over without too much of a struggle and straddled him.

He began to kiss my neck and to nibble on my skin. He then began to kiss me in more intimate places and before you knew it, my shirt and bra were around my waist and he was reminding me of the reasons that I'd bothered seeing him in the first place.I told him that we couldn't because we were there in the car in front of his mother's house. I asked him what if someone saw us and he said, so?

I asked him why he was so rough with me when he nipped me a little hard and he told me, "Because I like it."

At one point, we sang "Wifey" lyrics to each other....but I couldn't tell you if it was before or after the bombshell.

I don't know what lead up to it other than that he'd been kissing me and then he said, "I love you" and I remember that he looked like he thought he was saying something cute. I immediately said the first thing that came to my mind, "nig*a, you don't love me. Don't tell me any Bs!" He's like, "I do have a love for you. You know you're my girl." I told him that it was both unethical and just wrong to even mention the "L" word this early in the game.

I don't know what I said after that...or what he said. But the conversation progressed and I sang "call me" and I sang the part talking about having another man and he asked me if i had one and I was like, what do you think and he's like, or is it three? and I told him that I didn't like juggling and that if one man wasn't doing his job, I'd just upgrade and that each guy that I dealt with seemed to be better than the last.

He told me that he hoped I wouldn't upgrade after him and I told him, "I hope so too"

Not long after, he went inside and I drove home.

I didn't hear from him the next day and I sent him a good night text on Monday and his response was a generic night night.

We haven't spoken since that night, nor has he text me.

I don't intend to call him again.

He might be at the comedy show that I go to tomorrow. I'm not sure how I should play it but, I'm going to try and mentally prepare myself for it.

I still believe that his "I love you" was completely disingenuine and that he was tyring to cover his ass after having dissed me all evening.

Then he said..."I Love You"

2007-02-04T03:54:00.000-08:00

I can't write what lead up to it all because I'm tired and still trying to figure out how it happened.

I'm shocked.......

Back to Work

2007-01-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day back to work in over a week and I was exhausted almost right away.

On a brighter note, I got to order my concession phone, which was cool.

I am prepping for a job fair this week.

I only had 6 voicemails for the entire week that I was out of the office.

I had far too many e-mails to count. As a matter of fact, I did not finish checking those...

I have the lil ones in here watching tv while dinner is prepared.

So much for watching one of my programs until I fall asleep....*sigh*

Next!

2007-01-29T19:10:00.000-08:00

So I sent him a message on Saturday night asking if he wanted to do something fun.

I didn't hear back from him until Sunday afternoon and then....it was only to ask what I had in mind.

I responded back last night and received no response today.

I finally called him this evening about half an hour ago and he said he'd call me back. I was like, "ok" and hung up.

I am convinced that we are done.

It really makes me angry that he is being so damned stupid. I resent the fact that he won't just be straight about the situation.

I hate it when people beat around the bush with me and I suppose that this situation is merely a good reason for me to start being more frank.

After all, I hate to waste my time and playing the games that we've been engaged in over the last few days has been a complete waste in my opinion.

Disjointed thoughts

2007-01-27T16:36:00.000-08:00

There is no lonelier feeling than the one brought on when the phone doesn't ring.

Ok...I suppose when you want one person in particular to call and he doesn't, the silence becomes deafening.

I received several calls over the last two days, but, not from the man I wanted to hear from.

When I finally did call, the conversation quickly turned into an argument. I called today to extend an olive branch and while he seemed ok with talking to me, he was obviously distracted.

So again I declare that there is no lonelier feeling than the one brought on when the phone doesn't ring. *sigh*

I just want to have someone to spend time with without the freaking pressure. Is that too much to ask?

Someone that I can have great sex with without feeling anything else.

I need to brainwash myself!

Perhaps the perfect relationship has alluded me because I have felt rather than been.

I don't know....I am tired.

Time has passed

2007-01-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

The last time that I wrote in this blog was Sunday, January 14, 2007.

It was the day that my second cousin---a woman who was like an aunt to me---turned 50 years old.

It was also the day that her heart stopped in the ICU for the first time. Doctors were able to revive her and she held on for a few days more.

On Wednesday, January 17, 2007, she passed away.

Her death was sudden and unexpected.

The family was rocked to the core.

My immediate family and I made the 1700 mile journey from California to the small Texas town that had been her home for years.

We drove those miles and damned near killed each other in the process.

It was an arduous journey, but, worth our being able to attend the funeral services.

My heart still breaks each time that I think that I will never talk with her again or see her.

She has a new grandchild that she will never see take her first steps, hear say her first word or hold again.

We were gone for nearly a week and I've been home for approximately 2 days and I am still tired.

I returned to the same problems that faced me prior to leaving.

The bills...men...debt...ick!

The guy that I've been sleeping with and I got into a dispute yesterday when I called to ask him if he owned the knife (yes I did say that) that I found in my car.

After he denied ownership, he told me that I had a lot of boyfriends and that it was probably one of theirs.

He also pointed out that he is not my boyfriend....now my question is: where did that come in?

Perhaps I am naive, but, I have no idea what it is that he wants from me.

I am debating whether or not I should go out with someone else tonight.

I think that I will just for the sake of having something to do to take my mind off how weird things are becoming between us.

I am finding myself thinking of him all of the time and that cannot be good.

I just wish that I could find someone that wanted to make me happy that I felt the same way about. It would be so nice to take a break from this cycle....*sigh*

I suppose that is not to be.

I'm going to take a shower and do a little laundry just in case I do decide to go out.

Never say Love Ya if "ya" don't mean it- - - -Right?

2007-01-14T12:57:00.000-08:00

It is amazing, but, I don't know what happened during the month of January. Wait....it still is January. LOL. I had began to think that we were in February and could not figure out why I had not put up any additional posts for this month.

Things are a little crazy, as is always the case. I have spent this weekend watching my personal Sex and the City marathon. A couple of years back I bought the entire collection on DVD so I've been indulging myself.

I called the auto parts guy last night and gave him my spiel about being unavailable the majority of the time and he bought it.

I spoke with the guy that I've been sleeping with and he was spending the weekend with his children. I have my little one as well so...I kept the convo under two minutes and told him that he'd been on my mind and to enjoy his time with his family.

I am uncertain why I am still bothering. He and I can really go nowhere. After all, our conversations by phone typically go nowhere. While the convos that we hold in person are better, they certainly are not of the caliber that my convos with Marcus, Robert or Sir William are. Granted all three of these gentlemen are truly "Friends," I want to be romantically involved with a man that I can hold a mentally stimulating conversation with.

I am mystified about what it is that he wants out of life. I suppose that I should ask him again. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up and he said that he is grown. LOL. I pressed the issue and he told me that he would like to go back to school but that he doesn't feel comfortable being in public in the wheelchair which is a total crock.

This dude milks being in the chair. As a matter of fact, one of his good friends is a co-worker of mine and good friends with one of my friends from work. I was able to find out that this guy might be able to walk if he were to go through physical therapy. He later disclosed this information to me when I asked him why there was a walker in his bedroom.

I deduced that he is more afraid of possibly failing than anything else or that he is lazy. When he told me about needing to go through physical therapy in order to ascertain if he would be able to walk again, he admitted that he had not tried and that it was probably because sometimes he doesn't feel very motivated. I think that he is afraid, but, I did not press the issue then.

I later told him that nothing worth having will come easy and that I have had to struggle for most everything. He mentioned that he hoped that God would heal him. I told him that God might but that God blesses effort....

I am curious about where things will go for me this year. It seems that I am constantly between guys and thinking that there will never be another and then the next time that I write, there is a new guy that I am discussing.

I don't know what it is that I feel about this guy. He is incredibly cute and sexy, but, I don't just want sex. Early on in our acquaintanceship, I told him this and he agreed that he did not just want sex either. After we'd had sex for the first time, I told him that now that the sex was out of the way, we could focus on trying to build a friendship.

The next time that we got together, we went out for drinks and then to a boxing party at one of his friends' houses. It was nice and afterwards we went back to his place where he f*cked the sh*t out of me all night long.

I had a good time, but, was not certain that things were anything more than sex because I felt that he was being dishonest with me. After all, his friend had told my work friend that the guy wound up in a wheelchair because he was part of a robbery scheme that went bad and resulted in his being injured and the two other people being killed.

When I questioned him about how he got injured, he became uncomfortable but gave me a full story about how a friend's fight at a club over a girl got him hurt and two other guys killed. It sounded ridiculous to me, but, I did not point this out. When I went on to ask some additional questions, he told me that he should let me go because when he'd called me, I'd been working on homework. I teased him about how now that he'd gotten some from me, he being the player that he was, was ready to cut me loose. He got really defensive and then went on the offensive. He told me that he's not a player and that if I wanted to question his character, then we did not need to have conversations by phone. I was shocked and asked him if he was serious and then pointed out that I was giving him a hard time. He told me that he could tell that I was not teasing because of my voice. I told him that he was incorrect but that I was going to get back to work. He attempted to recover and told me to give him a call later when I was done. I was like "alright" but had already decided that 1)he was a total liar about how he'd gotten shot 2)his lie had caused him to be defensive 3)I would NOT be calling him back. This was on Tuesday....

Over the next few days, he sent me sweet and harmless text messages and left me voicemails, but, I did not return any of them. Finally, on December 9th, he tried calling me, (I ignored the call) and then sent me a text message asking me how my day was. I finally sent him a response and inquired about him. He shot back "When will I see you again." I wrote back "I can't be certain." This elicited a phone call from him where I admitted to him that based on our last conversation, I had no intention of having any additional contact with him, per his request.

He asked me, "So you were just going to stop talking to me," or something along those lines. I shot back that,"You told me that if I felt that way (that he was a player), that I should not have conversations with you on the phone anymore, so, I didn't." He tried to argue what he'd stated for a few minutes more and somehow we got to talking again and I wound up dropping everything and driving down there for sex that was even more incredible than the time before....

The following week, I had to spend in Walnut Creek for training. He called and sent me messages every day that I was out there. One evening, he spoke with me and I had company. :) Do you recall the gentleman from Martinez that I met in October? Anyway...the guy was right there in the suite with me and we had been watching tv while he gave me a back massage. I answered the call of my newfound lover (don't ask me why) and only spoke with him for a few moments before I tried to get him off the phone. He asked why I was trying to get rid of him and accused me of having someone else there. I refuted it for a few moments before I was able to get him off the phone. Mind you...I was only a few feet away from my very present guest.Lol.

I later called him back on the phone and insisted that I was on a business trip in a strange city with people that I did not know and not the type of woman that would invite random men over. He told me that he had been giving me a hard time. I wondered at the time if he was giving me a dose of my own medicine from the week before or what....

Later in December, he came out to a comedy club on a Thursday and I didn't make it out. When he sent me his final text message before he left the city that stated that he was on his way home and he'd get at me tomorrow and he signed off with love ya boo holla.

I didn't allow myself to think much of this. As a matter of fact, I figured that it was a quick text or that since he was a comedian, just his way of trying to be funny. I didn't acknowledge the message. That was December 22nd....

The next time that I got one of these odd messages was the other day. I have this habit of not really calling men. He'd mentioned on a few occasions that he was always the person that had to initate the phone calls. I didn't really argue this but I also did not respond to the complaint. After the last week of not hearing from him consistently and questioning if I would ever hear from him again, I decided to address the issue.

I returned his call last Sunday and told him that I missed him and some other stuff that a tough Aries woman like myself isn't necessarily going to readily admit. When he left me a voicemail on Monday night complaining that he could hardly ever get me to answer the phone when he called, I called him back, explained that my ringer was off because I was in class, and again told him how much I missed him. We agreed to talk later as we were both in the middle of something.

I took a shower and got ready to lie down for bed and since I was going to sleep, decided to text him as much. I told him that I was off to bed and that it was good to hear his voice :-) and told him "Good night, cutie."

He replied back, Fo sho babe love ya.

LOVE YA????????

Isn't this highly inappropriate? It certainly feels that way to me.

After all....we all recognize that I'm only borderline emotionally stable. I cannot deal with someone even inferring the L word to me this early in the game! LOL.

I was asleep and did not get the message until the next day. I was thoroughly mystified by this odd use of the "L" word. After all...he has never used such phrasing in any of our phone or in person dialogue.

I don't know if this is entertainment industry jargon or what!

I decided to do some field research and asked my bestfriend, my assistant at work, (a guy mind you) as well as my work gf and each of us agreed that using "love ya" was out of place based on the dialogue that we'd been sharing.

My work gf teased me that he's in love with me. My gay hubby asked me why it was hard for me to believe that the guy might be developing feelings for me.

The next day, I think that we talked on the phone briefly, (I'd called) and he was busy so he agreed to call me back. He never did. I went to bed and when I woke up, he'd sent me a message apologizing for responding so late and telling me that he was really jonesin for me and that we need to hook up and do some things.

I don't know what to think.

I do know that I called him a couple of days later and left a message wishing him well on his Thursday show as well as sent him a text and he never responded.

I was a bit put off. I called him on Saturday and spoke with him briefly as we were both with our child or children.

I don't know what to make of it all. Is this guy really trying to do me in?

All I know is that one should NEVER say LOVE YA if they don't mean it.....right? :)

December

2007-01-07T14:23:00.000-08:00

December was a pretty crazy month. I began to see this guy that I saw performing at a comedy show.

I was initially attracted to him because he was cute. The catch is that he is in a wheelchair. I did not have a problem with this as I'd talked to a guy that was paralyzed back when I was 19.

Things moved pretty fast and became sexual when I went to see him perform the Friday following Thanksgiving.

My gf had rode out with me to see the show and to possibly meet up with a guy from a neighboring town. When she made the decision to meet up with her guy, I agreed to take her to the guy's house and then drive myself home.

The comedian called me to see if I'd made it home safely and when I told him what my plans were, he invited me back to his place.

I didn't think that I'd be at risk of anything happening as I didn't assume that he would be able to perform and even if he could, the guy didn't have use of his legs, what could he do to me?

It turns out that he was incredibly strong and some things did happen. We didn't go all the way, but, it became glaringly apparent that he knew exactly what to do in order to please me.

This led to my driving out to see him just about every weekend through last weekend.

He asked me to dress up for him as he's "never seen" me wear make up not even "lipstick". Whatever the case, he kept commenting on how sexy I looked and how all of the men at the party were checking me out. *As if*

I was on my period, and wearing an Instead. I told him that we could not do anything, but, he insisted.

He tried a lot of different things, but, I wasn't really feeling it. I was really tired, so, after an hour or two, we finally stopped. It turns out that his d*ck got pretty scraped up from the Instead, according to what he told me later that week. Ick!

I was at work when he told me this, so he told me to call him back later and closed with "lover". I called him back and he never returned my call...

Things have happened pretty much the same way that they have with the other guys. Everything's hot and heavy, lots of phone calls and then the calls become more spaced out. He has started not returning my calls altogether and doing that, let me call you right back thing...*sigh*

Ron called me the Friday prior to New Year's Eve. Mind you, I hadn't sent him a message on Christmas as I had not heard back from him when I sent out my standard holiday message on Thanksgiving.

He inquired about my family and told me that he wanted to wish me a Happy New Year and instructed me to be safe. He then asked me if I was happy. What an odd question coming from someone that I haven't heard from in months.

I chalked it up to he must be having issues with the current lady or ladies in his life...

I tried sending a message to Damien on New Year's Eve but the circuits were busy so my message did not go through.

I miss him...or at least the sex.

He was a user though. I did not send any additional messages when I found that that one did not go through.

I gave some guy from the auto parts store my number yesterday. He doesn't sound smart and I dread his next call.

I am tired and feeling depressed because my room is a complete mess and I haven't heard from the guy that I've been sleeping with.

I am so tired of the same cycle of behavior in my life.

************************************WORK******************************************
I went to Walnut Creek to be certified to train Civil Treatment courses for the company.

I had a terrible cold as well as wound up with food poisoning. I had to be picked up by relatives and driven back home.

I got an assistant to help me to staff for the nearly 200 new employees that my client group demanded.

They wound up reducing the number to 110 and with an additional 60 other employees to assist with customer sales issues.

I have had issues with a couple of the supervisors for the department (women) that have tried to bully me into making exceptions for some of the people that they want to hire.

The trouble came in when the people did not follow company protocol when it came to the application process.

I have been unwilling to make exceptions as it would be unethical. For this reason, they have waged a personal vendetta against me, or at least, that is how it has seemed. *sigh*

I don't think that it would get to me as much if I weren't blowing my nose every five minutes.

**************************************SCHOOL**************************************
I'm in my first Upper Division course in school and I'm not certain how I am feeling about that.

I cannot wait to be finished with school. I just cannot wait.

In conclusion, I just wish that I didn't allow other people to impact the way I feel so much.

I have felt depressed all weekend long because this guy has not returned my phone call.

I suppose that the best thing that I can do for myself is to really focus on doing more things when I am off work so that I don't have time to worry about the other stuff.

I deleted him from my phonebook. I have decided not to call anymore.

I know that he will call back...at some point. They almost always do.

The key is to ensure that I am not there to answer......

All By Myself.....

2006-11-23T09:56:00.000-08:00

He called last night and eventually I was compelled to tell him quite frankly that I did not want to sleep with him. The problem that I have is that he believes that I am sleeping with someone else and I did not want to give him that impression.

I wound up calling him twice and he didn't answer my calls. I sent two text messages that he will not respond to.

I know that I am better off without him, but, for now, I feel bad and I feel sad as if I've done something wrong. The thing about it is that it really does not matter. He made it clear that he thinks of me and wants sex and he also asked for me to get him gifts and provide him with something to eat. Not once did he tell me what he would do for me.

I AM better off without him....

*sigh* if only I actually felt that way.....

On a brighter note, I'm going to shop tomorrow and will probably drive to Stockton to see the comedy show. I am sure that I will have a good time.

It has been challenging to do without having someone, but, not impossible. I am grateful that the sun is shining brightly today and that I have been able to see my dad.

I am truly fortunate :)

BTW...I sent messages out to everyone....including Ron

We shall see if he will bother to respond

The old one called too

2006-11-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

Last night when I was at the comedy show. I missed the call and he left no message.

His birthday is early next month. What is it that could have compelled him to call me with his BS?

I wonder what it is that he thinks about when he finally decides to call. *sigh*

I did not call him back, of course.

I DID speak with Damien the other day. He told me that he hasn't seen my face in a while and he would like to see me. He wanted to know how everything has been and he told me that he misses me. Twice he mentioned how he wished that he could show me just how much he has missed me..but, that is not allowed. I merely laughed him off.

So he is testing to see how serious I am about cutting off the sex....*why can't they ever be original?*

It seems to me that everyone I know, with the exception of Paula...ok, maybe all of the guys that I know, are getting involved in relationships.

Here I am...in the same place, but, at least the rest of my life is going relatively well with regard to my trying to better myself.

I guess that I should feel grateful that at least I'm not involved with some loser trying to bring me down....

The Phone Rang Yesterday....

2006-11-12T19:43:00.003-08:00

and it was him.

He called....this is familiar. The other....older one did this as well.

He calls after a few weeks of not hearing from him. He has given me sufficient time to agonize over the loss of contact with him and to also come to my senses. After all, he hadn't done anything, right? I was feeling overwrought when I made the decision to cut him out of my bed, if not my life. Perhaps this time apart had allowed me to see reason. :)

At least...that's what HE thinks.

The message on my cell indicates that I've recently replaced my phone and have no one's phone number so please leave a message with both your area code and phone number.

He left a message calling me "Sweetie"...typically I've been "Sexy"....I guess it's "Sweetie" when he's trying to grace me with his presence after pulling a disappearing act. Anyway, so, he tells "Sweetie" who it is that is calling and that he wants to check on her to make sure everything's been ok. And if it hasn't?

So he gives his number twice and hangs up.

That was yesterday afternoon.

I have no returned the call. I am not sure what I could say to him but I know that I am not ready to say anything in particular, so, I should call, if I call, when I have my thoughts clear. I don't know that there is anything else worth saying.

He made it clear, by his silence for the last three weeks, that he did not want my friendship after I told him that I could not sleep with him anymore.

What more is there to say other than....

Soul sigh

2006-11-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me how easily men move on and as a woman, I feel like I am on hold. I want to call him and there is nothing to say. You know, I'm certain that he does not agonize over such things, but, I am doing that. It is very self destructive and it makes me feel sad.

Bored

2006-11-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday afternoon. Slightly overcast outside and extremely boring inside. I wonder what I can do to make myself feel alive when I am in this house. Is it the junk? Does that keep me from feeling as if I'm out of touch with reality when I'm surrounded by these four walls? Would the solution be getting rid of the imprisonment that my clutter yields?

Why Did He Call? Was It Really Him?

2006-11-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

I had to replace my phone the following day. The good news is that I did not have to pay for it. The bad news is that my phone book was not transferred due to some sort of damage to it so.....I wound up with a message on my phone's voicemail stating that my phone book is gone and I have to have people leave a message if they want me to reach them.

It's worked out well. They are all out of my phone. I have only replaced Sir William and Bright's cousin. He (the cousin) called today, but, didn't say anything. It's my guess that someone was on his phone and curious about whose number was in there and they called. It doesn't seem to be his style to call and not say anything. That's sort of weird and I've been semi-obsessing over a desire to call and talk to him, but, there is truly nothing left to say.

I've talked to the guy that I met last weekend a few times this week and we've got plans to get together next weekend.

I've also agreed to the Sat. following Thanksgiving with another guy. We will see how that works out.

I have a text messaging buddy here in Sac that I might meet this week. I'm not sure that I am all that anxious to meet him as it's raining and my hair's a mess. *yawn*

Deleting the phone book

2006-10-29T21:24:00.000-08:00

It has never been more apparent that the people in my phone book aren't shit than it is now. Last night i was lost in Oakland (long story short, my best friend was supposed to be dropped off there to see the dude she's screwing while I went out dancing with a guy from Martinez). The dude that my best friend was going to hang with wasn't answering his phone and we got lost so we began calling the people in our phone books that lived in the bay for directions. I can understand people not answering their phones last night, but, I didn't receive a single call in return today either.

I called Ron, the Original Bright, Bright's cousin and Sir William. Sir William is the only one who called me back. The rest of them don't give a damn enough to even try and help me out. That's BS.

I have now twice attempted to delete Ron from my cell phone and it has frozen up and won't respond. I had to remove my battery to even get the phone to unfreeze and after restarting it twice, it powered back on and he was still listed as a contact. This is too much!

What a Lovesick Person is Really Capable of

2006-10-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

Ok. I am sad and depressed and wanting to cry over that guy. I did a Google search on blogs from the lovesick and came up with this article indicating what a lovesick person is really capable of....how sad.

How To Lose a Guy in One Day

2006-10-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

I have finally figured it out, to my chagrin! Having grown weary of the merry-go-round of dealing with Damien, I finally concluded that the way to keep my sanity would be to cut off the physical aspect of the relationship.

I spoke with him, after having called and gone off about nothing in particular, and told him that while I care for him a good deal, I cannot retain my objectivity with the relationship's status being what it is---thus in order to deal with him in a more fair manner, I felt that it would be best if I no longer slept with him. He acted surprised, but, when I went over the reasons ( 1) we have no established commitments to each other and are each in literally separate places doing only heaven knows what 2) he's made it clear that I could not rely on anything more coming of things from the beginning of our acquaintanceship 3) I have found myself growing more negative in my dealings with him due to my increasing frustration with the relationship status, 4) he has made it clear that I cannot rely on him for anything not even including a phone call), he gave me the "all I can do is respect your feelings" line and claimed that his phone was dying and that he'd call me back. We had went through my trying to talk with him about this a couple of times and I finally fell asleep with the knowledge that he was pretty much done and would not be calling back for a summarization of the convo.

I feel disgusted, sad and slightly hurt that he does not value me the way that I value him. He never even bothered to pretend to object. He likely figures that the bottom line is that he won't be getting any and there's really nothing else to discuss because he is not going to commit to one woman.

I believe that there is really nothing more that I could say to him or even that I should say, but, I feel compelled to call him back. It's not like I have not been down this road before, I will just have to look at it from this perspective: Unlike the situation with Ron, this guy was honest from the start that he was not looking for anything that would require a commitment on his part and he has not had sex with me and told me during sex that I was the only person that he was sleeping with! On the other hand, I know that I am not viewing him as a casual fling anymore, thus, I am becoming this ultra negative person when I deal with him by phone and I don't like that either.

As I pointed out to him, it seems to me that most of the people he deals with approach him with their hands out and wanting to something. I don't want to be another one of those people who is seeking to take something from him. In order for me to be a person who is giving to him and enriching his life through our acquaintanceship, I have to back off in the physical regard.

I am sad, almost on the verge of tears as I sit here exhausted. I feel as if I'm chopped off my own nose, but, I must consider the fact that while he is by far the best in bed that I've been with in many respects, so was Ron. If I managed to happen upon that one, it is likely that I will have no trouble finding yet another man who is a great lay with a lot less drama.

Until then, I guess it's back to the old drawing board.....*sigh*

Tired on a Saturday night

2006-10-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

So I've heard nothing else from Bright's cousin. Why does it not surprise me? I feel hurt and angry and these feelings are not new to me. I don't understand why I continue to do this to myself. Perhaps I've developed a penchant for pain. I think that it's that I am desperate to feel connected to someone else. I am anxious to feel wanted, desired and loved. For those reasons, I've continued to subject myself to this abuse or neglect or whatever one wants to call it.

It is Saturday night. I sent him a couple of text messages earlier this week and I have not received a single response. He will want to reach out to me the week after next when he wants something from me and I will be weak enough to respond.

A part of me wants to call him and formally let him know that I will not put up with this treatment and that I am through with him. It is pointless. It will not make any difference to him. He will simply use some other woman for the things that he has been using me for.

There is no need to communicate with him further. It hurts too much to speak to him. Does any of this sound familiar? I am so tired of going through the same bullshit with different men. I am fed up with these feelings. I want so much to find someone that I am happy with, but, that is not to be....

We do it all the time....

2006-10-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

He came out on Saturday night after several hours of telling me that he was coming and not showing up. He actually got to my house at 4:19 a.m.

I was angry and hurt and felt like I wanted to write him off for good. Of course, that did not happen. But rather, I was swept into his arms where he held me for several moments before releasing me.

We later went to bed....

The next day, I told him about the comment that he'd made about wanting a lady and he apologized again. He asked me what I wanted after I told him that I was trying to address his wants and I told him that I want a man that I don't have to point obvious things out to. He told me that he knows what I want and I asked him why he asked me if he knew.

Nothing was resolved.

I ache for him at times and despise him at others. It is all a bunch of unnecessary bickering on my part. I feel that I want him desperately in spite of the fact that I can admit that he is not the right person for me. *sigh*

I suppose that I am afraid of a relationship and that is why I so actively persue guys like him. After the experience with Ron, I am just not ready to trust anyone again.....

I hadn't thought of that until now. I am not ready to trust anyone right now. Perhaps I should meditate on that one.

Party and Bullsh*t

2006-10-15T00:39:00.000-07:00

Went to a party at Miss M's earlier this evening. It was nice to hang out with a bunch of people and shoot the breeze on a variety of topics. King Kong (that's Bright's cousin) called and told me that he was on his way into Sacramento. I told him to give me a call when he got here. This was around nine thirty....by 12:41, he still hasn't put in an appearance.

Now mind you, I called him before I got into the shower at eleven and he told me that he'd swing by my house...again, no show.

I have had a quite a bit of time to evaluate my reasons for wanting to get into anything serious with him and I find that my motives are impure. I think that it would be wonderful to have someone to share my time with, but, truthfully, we have so little in common. Our goals are not the same and our lifestyles are completely different. Granted, it would be a boost to my ego to have someone that I am so sexually satisfied with want to take it to the next level, but, it is glaringly apparent that this will not be a good fit for either of us.

It bugs me that he doesn't mind not keeping his word when he tells me that he will call or that he will show up. Perhaps it is a little thing to him, but, it is a pet peeve of mine. I like to be consistent in that area and I respect a person who is the same way.

It is now close to one in the morning and I am torn between wanting to wait up and knowing that I should go to bed because it's unlikely that he will put in an appearance. Even if he does...what would be the point? All that we could do would be to screw and truthfully speaking, I don't think it's worth it. I'm not feeling particularly aroused and I'd much rather sleep tonight.

It's been decided. I am going to log off the computer and get a little sleep. There is much to be done tomorrow....

Cheating

2006-10-04T22:22:00.000-07:00

The Saturday prior to my trip to New Orleans, I received an online note from a relatively cute young man. We exchanged several notes and finally I inquired about how he was able to manage as he seemed to be a single father who had an unusually active role in the lives of his children. I asked a leading question about whether or not he had relatives nearby and he admitted that he did and that he lived with the mother of one of his children. He went on to say that they were "technically" a couple (his word) and that they were having problems.

I immediately offered my condolences and some advice on how to help patch things up. Every convo that we have had thereafter (all communication has been online and through these notes) has been about ways to make her feel happier with him so that they get back on track. We haven't gone into any details but I suggested that he buy out some time for just the two of them, recommended a sweet song to have her listen to, etc.

Tonight he finally admitted that the problem is that he wants more sex and she does not seem to want it. I offered some advice there and he said that the stuff sounded positive but time consuming and that he has been thinking of getting a "friend on the side" (again---HIS words) who will accomodate his needs without a problem.

I wrote back and told him that he should not do it because he is better than that and that if he wants to sleep with someone else, he needs to break things off. They do have a child, after all, he doesn' t want to create additional causes of friction in his dealings with the mother of his child.

It only stands to reason that he has been thinking of this from the very start which is why he initially contacted me as if he were someone who might be available.

The whole thing got me thinking about why men cheat.

I know that there is no blanket response for the question, but, according to AskMen.com,
there are ten major reasons that men cheat.

Some of them are absolutely disgusting such as: women let them, the opportunity was there, they are not attracted to her anymore.....*sigh*

If this is the state of the dating scene, it's terrifying. Do we as a people value each other so much that we are willing to discard a relationship for a temporary rush?

It is all very disappointing.

Things never really change

2006-10-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

Why did Bright call me this evening and told me that he's with someone? Of course, he didn't just say it, but rather after shooting the shit for a little bit, he casually threw in there that he was kicking it with a lady friend. When I finally acknowledged it by saying so you're with someone now, eh? He admitted it and we discussed how long they've known each other and how they've been really kicking it for the last month or so.

I don't understand the desire to call me in Sacramento to tell me this. I don't understand what sort of response he was seeking, but, certainly, I was not willing to go off and get all upset about the fact that he was obviously not holding himself out for me. *sigh*

Why in the hell do I always manage to get into this sort of situation with someone? If I am not the friend who wants more, I wind up with a bunch of friends that I don't want either way.

I should feel insulted, but, after a weekend of coming to terms for the millionth time in the last 16 months that a man isn't going to be mine that I want, I am certainly used to this crap.

Pennies for my thoughts...

2006-10-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

I am lonely. I am lonely, but, I cannot continue to do things as I have been doing them. I cannot continue to deal with Damien nor get involved with Ron again. These sort of interactions are negative at best.

Damien does not value me. That is apparent in the way that he does not call me on a regular basis, he only returns my messages about half of the time and he has on more than one occasion asked me for something while offering nothing in return. He is dealing with me because it is convenient and requires almost no effort on his part.

Ron contacts me every now and again in an effort to feel me out. I have a history, you see, of writing him off and accepting him back with open arms and legs (of which he is fully aware). This fact incenses me because it is unethical to deal with someone who has expectations that one does not intend to meet, but, I recognize this to be the truth. Whether it is ethical or not is not to be debated.

He hopes that we will sleep together again and that things will go back to what was "normal" for us. He will see me and screw me when he wants to and I will blindly accept it and this time understand that this is the way that things will be.

I am so tired and disillusioned with life in general, much less men. I have managed, to develop a pattern of trying to accomodate and "help" the people that I have shared my body with. This is both stupid and only results in my being hurt and angry. I have a tendency to attract opportunists and liars.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I have decided that it is time for me to jump ship. I am disgusted with the state of my "love life" and I am ready to bring things to a halt.

I asked a friend what I should do to get rid of the people in my life when they surface and he said to tell them "it's been good, but, it's over" and leave it at that. He also stated that if I really want a relationship, I must be willing to sacrifice for it. What did he mean? Well....if I am serious about wanting something of substance, I've got to be willing to stop having sex early in the game and focus on getting to know the person. If he is worthwhile, he will be willing to wait.

I am tired of feeling used and unappreciated. I feel that it is worth trying another method, because the being honest about my feelings while doing what my body wishes routine is not working.

Frank told me that he always deletes his text messages. I think that that is a good idea. I don't need to hold onto the evidence that at one moment in time, this person communicated with me. I will begin by deleting my text messages. *sigh*

I really am disappointed in myself and with the way that things have worked. I feel as if I should have seen this from the start. I suppose that the only consolation that I have is that better to learn something from this experience than to continue to believe-----anything that any of these bastards have to say.

As one door closes, I feel the breeze from the open window....

2006-09-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

I used one of those people finder services a couple of weeks ago to locate my biological father. They provided a phone number and an address, but, they could not guarantee 100% that it was him. I called the number and left a message on the answering machine (it was the default message). I said my name and gave my number and stated that I was trying to reach him. I said that if this was the wrong number to also please call back.

I have not heard anything and it has been about five hours. I am uncertain what to think or if I will hear anything back.

I feel tired and slightly depressed. I will be leaving for New Orleans on Monday morning and I feel stressed that I have a few small fires to put out prior to leaving my desk for a week....

Bright's cousin and I talked earlier in the week. I told him that I like him a lot and he went on to say that he hasn't been feeling much love lately and that he wants a "lady" in his life. He said that what we have is good but it's---open.

I told him that he told me that he did not want a relationship and he initially denied it and then told me that he was getting a call and could he call me back. Of course, he never did.

Almost immediately, I sent a thinking of you text to Ron and never got a response back.

When I called Bright's cousin the next day, we talked again for a little bit and then he pulled the same thing.

I called him yesterday and left a message and then I sent a text message last night. No response. I called this morning and got the voicemail and then the same thing the second time. I think that his phone was cut off later in the morning.

I don't know what to make of the situation but I am tired of being in this position with the men that I deal with. It makes me feel like I should not bother with anyone at all....

I am tired and full of nervous energy. In regard to the situation with my father, I have done what I can. Whether or not this is the correct information, I will have done what I could and I can try and lay this area of my life to rest.

Bright's cousin is full of shit. I think that I have done everything that I could to be honest about the way that I feel. I can do and say no more. I will not call him again and I have no intentions of speaking with him or seeing him again.

PQ spoke with Crazy. He was convinced that it was me talking to him in spite of the fact that she identified herself. He maintained that he would continue to call me regardless of the fact that I asked him to stop. He called several times before saying that he would not call again. Finally, he left a message saying to judge him based on his merit, not on what has happened in the past if I happen to see him applying for a job.

He then called me at four in the morning. I did not answer.

I am going to clear my call logs on Sunday night and I will not be calling any of them any more.

I got the job!

2006-09-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

I got the job at the wireless company that I have been temping at for the last month and a half or so.

I interviewed with the Area Director on Wednesday and at the conclusion of my interview, she offered me the job! In addition to that, she offered me my goal salary for 2006-$40,000.00. I am ecstatic!

I will be going to New Orleans for business this month (9/25-9/28) and I am stoked!

While my "love life" has been on the fritz for at least the last year or two, I am working toward and meeting many of my professional and academic goals.

I suppose that I may never find anyone with whom I can relate and share a great passion. If that turns out to be the truth, I will have to accept it and try and see the silver linings for the gray skies in my mind. :)

My best friend and I have been talking for a couple of weeks now and it made me reflect the other day. We are both maturing in some ways and also healing. She has been so busy with the hair braiding that she has not got as much time to focus on the areas of her life that she cannot control, such as finding a suitable partner. I know that the desire to have someone who cares for her and she for them has not been diminished by her increased activities (she's back in school as well and three classes away from her AA degree!), but it has certainly helped her to feel better overall.

It pleases me that we can be busy with good work that is honorable and helps us to feel more whole.

So it shall be done....

2006-09-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

He finally took my calls the Tuesday or Wednesday following our conversation, but, things were no longer the same. He claimed that he was not upset with me but I could feel the difference in our interactions. He was calculated now and aloof.

He claimed that he would try and get out here to see me but it has not happened. After that week, he has called a few times, but he no longer leaves a voicemail. I have sent him text messages and he no longer responds.

There is little reason to give it my attention any longer. The thing about it is that just about from the very beginning, I realized that he was trouble and that I should not deal with him. Once I'd sampled from the figurative Tree of Knowledge, however, I was unable to eat and be satisfied anyplace else.

So he has turned his attentions to other people and other things. It is for the best. I don't believe that I had the strength to walk away from him even though I knew that he was bad for me.

I can be grateful then, that he is doing this, because ultimately, he is not the one for me. If he were, he would not do the things that he has done because the thought of losing me would bother him enough for him to communicate with me and compell him to try and see me.

He makes my stomach ache....

2006-08-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

For the second week in a row I've managed to piss someone off that I actually give a damn about. Ick!

Bright's cousin was on his way into town and called me on Sunday night. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was about to get into the shower. This lead to a comment about was I ready to take a shower with him and I told him no. When he asked why, I told him that I had only showered with two men before and I could not jump into that with him.

I know...to many it would not make sense. It seems like an intimate act to me. While I've had sex with this guy on several occasions, I cannot cross this bridge lightly, especially with a house filled with my relatives while on my period.

Rather than just telling him that, I wound up using my typical defense mechanism of offering an offhanded reason that is only part of the truth that winds up sounding a little f*cked up.

He wound up telling me that he didn't need to know all of that because it has nothing to do with him and while he was trying to get together with me, I went all sentimental on him and told him that I wasn't interested in seeing him (which I told him was not true, but, he was pissed by this time). His phone wound up cutting out and I left him a message to call me back and took my shower.

During the shower, it occurred to me that I might have actually hurt his feelings and that at best, it was disrespectful on my part to go there with him. I decided that I'd call him and apologize. After several attempts, I got in touch with him and his first response was "I'm going to let you get some rest." I told him that it occurred to me that what I'd said was really disrespectful and I apologized for my comment. I told him that he was right and that I would not want for him to say the things that I had said. He said ok and told me that he'd call me later.

Later came and went...
During the night I reassured myself that later to men is not necessarily within a couple of hours. He did not call me the next day. I sent a text message to find out if he was angry with me and if so, would he allow for me to make it up to him. I got no response back. Finally I called him and asked if he was angry with me and he said he's too busy with real concerns to be angry (that statement is a little telling, don't you think) and asked where was I. When I mentioned that I was at work, he told me to call him when I got home.

I called him when I got home as I was making my bed (I'd washed my bedding) and he asked what I was doing and told me that he was busy trying to make some money so he'd call me back in a minute.

Several hours later when I got ready to go to sleep I sent him a text message that stated that he should be safe and have a great week and I'd talk to him later. I got no response back.

I am going crazy!

I am feeling almost frantic because I want to see him and I want to be assured that he isn't going to just say "f*ck it" with regard to seeing me, but, at the same time, I don't want to go all stalkerish on him either.

I did what I felt was right, given the situation. I apologized. I also stated that sense the error was on my part, I'd like to rectify the situation. I cannot force him to accept my apology. Nor can I force him to see or to talk with me. *sigh*

I must fall back on the lessons that I've had to learn over the last two years or so.

The Trouble with Friends...

2006-08-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

My bestfriend is pissed at me for talking on the phone with a man from her past. She reunited with him recently after they lost touch for a few years. I think that he could be considered her "first love," and I can understand her being pissed.

I think that if I were to find that someone close to me were talking on the phone with someone that I was interested in whether it was now or in the past, I'd be furious too. The thing that bothers me about the situation is that I feel as if I dropped the ball and so does she.

I don't know if he took the phone from her or if it was handed to him, but, I said no. I did not want to talk with him, I had been speaking with her. I expected that he would give her the phone at any minute, but, it didn't happen.

I assumed that she was in the same room with him, so as the conversation lengthened, I assumed that we had her blessing. The conversation had gone on for quite some time before he mentioned that she had fallen asleep.

I was tired myself and had drifted off a few times, so, I should have said at that time that I was going to have to let him go. I did not do that and that's where the problem begins. I remember thinking that I'd need to get off the phone, but, I honestly couldn't get a word in edge-wise. That doesn't excuse it, but, that's what happened.

I should have reacted differently and I didn't. I really cannot say why other than that I was tired and he was talking so fast and I thought that I would chime in once the conversation lapsed.

I should not have been put on the phone with him, that's true enough. She knows that I dislike that immensely, but, at the same time, I should have requested that the conversation end a lot sooner than it did.

The only thing that I could come up with was that I was tired. A good portion of the conversation was spent listening to him go on about various topics that were of interest like financing his business and managing his business. There was discussion of education and financing that, raising his child and supporting his sister. These were all things that she had shared with me, but, now the details of how he managed to do it came to light.

I am in a situation where I am unhappy with what I've got and I am honestly interested in trying to find solutions to changing my circumstances. It is of interest to me to figure out how to finance starting a business, completing my education, trying to do a better job at raising my son. These are things that I am hungry for practical advice about.

I talked with him about topics such as these because they are important and it sounded like he might be able to offer some insight that I had never taken into consideration.

If I had it to do again, I would have refused to engage in the conversation. I did not end it on the note feeling that I wanted to meet him or anything like that.

I am shocked and afraid that my longtime friend believes that I do though. I can understand her being furious, but, she should also realize that I would never have the slightest interest in someone that she was with or had been with.

Time to get back to work

2006-08-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

Over the last week, I have spent several evenings with the object of my obsession. He even spent the night here.

We had a serious conversation regarding what it is that we are seeking from one another a couple of weeks ago. He is unwilling to commit to anyone right now *sound familiar?* and wanted to know what I want from him.

I told him that I'm still vague on what I want from him.

I asked him in turn what it is that he wants from me. He told me that he enjoys our conversations as well as the other things that we do. He also told me that he does not want to hurt me and if it means that in order to be happy, that I do not want to spend time with him or ever see him again, he understands, but, it is my choice. *again, sound familiar?*
He followed up that he is selfish and that if he had his way, I would be his.

****I feel the same way. I would love to have the commitment of several people at once so that I would always have a standby, but, that is not realistic nor is it practical. Most importantly, it is not ethical or moral.

The gist of it all is that he is unwilling to commit to me and that he will continue to live his life as he has been doing. He will see the various people that he has seen and he will make the decision to settle down when he chooses.

I suppose that I should be greatful for his honesty. After all, even Ron who was nearly twice his age did not manage to do that. It has been very disappointing, but, I am not surprised. He is twenty-two years old, attractive and packing heat below the belt. What else should one expect?

We wound up getting together last Monday and spending most of the night together. He told me that a relative had been shot and that his grandmother was in the hospital and how difficult it has been for him to keep things together. We talked about relationships and how we managed to get to this stage in our lives.

The rest of the week was a blur. He'd told me that he will not be faithful and I'd told him that I was happy with what he is currently giving me but that I am uncertain what I want from him in general. Essentially I've given him the go ahead to drink from my cup and not worry about paying for refills.

We spent several days and evenings together. I had him fix my door and some stuff on my car in order for him to get the money that he needed to replace his car's starter.

As I read over this stuff, all that I can think is how out of control my life is and how I really need to do a thorough cleaning both literally and figuratively.

The only way that I will be able to do this and to maintain it is to go back. I have fought it for a long time, but, what have I got to lose?

I had the relationship with S standing in the way before, but, I don't have that now. Ron's out of the picture, this guy is going back home which will conclude this newfound "closeness" and there really is no one else who could act as the distraction that these people were to me.

I'm so tired of working hard for other people. It is time to do it for myself. The worst that could happen is that I fail, but, I'm already doing that anyway so there really would be no difference.

The size 0 myth

2006-07-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

This was taken from dynamist.com

**************************************************************************************
THE SIZE 0 MYTH: I recently went shopping for a denim skirt. The last such skirt I owned was an A-line number that fit quite tightly at the waist. That was 20 years ago, when I was 15 pounds lighter and my waist was at least a half-inch smaller. That skirt was a size 8. On my recent shopping trip, I tried on three denim skirts at the Gap—all size 6, all at least three inches too big in the waist, and none particularly tight in the hips. The only one that didn't look like a small tent was constructed so it would be difficult to alter. I went home skirtless.

Why, you may ask, am I telling this? Because there is a myth out there in feminist popcultureland, the myth of "size 0." The claim is that fashion magazines, evil corporations, and Calista Flockhart are foisting an unreasonably skinny ideal on American women. This ideal is supposed to be historically unprecedented. Exhibit A is the spread of size 0 clothes. Exhibit B is Marilyn Monroe.

"In the l950's and 60's the archetypal femme fatale was Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn wore a size l2. She had a tummy, thighs, soft neck and arms. She was a far cry from the emaciated high fashion waif look created by designer Calvin Klein in the form of his favorite model Kate Moss who wore a size 0," opine psychologists Candace De Puy and Dana Dovitch on the Feminista.com site. "What happened to create this shift in female beauty? Why have women gone from accepting a curvaceous form to the familiar dieting, exercising, lipo-suctioning and obsessing over every wrinkle and gray hair?"

The Marilyn Monroe story is complete nonsense, though it's a staple of feel-good feminism. Marilyn's size 12 bore no resemblance to the size 12 you'll find in today's stores. According to the invaluable Urban Legends website (and other sources), Monroe's waist ranged from 22 to 23 inches and her hips were 35 to 36 inches. She was 5', 5 ½" tall. No, Marilyn wasn't as willowy as Kate Moss, nor was she as muscular as today's gym-toned ideal. She was shaped like a thin, wasp-waisted woman with breast implants. The only thing large about Monroe was her bustline. Nor was Marilyn alone. Peruse copies of Vogue from the 1950s, and you'll find models with slim hips and tiny waists worthy of Scarlett O'Hara. (Judging from my mother's wedding gown, rib cages were impossibly small in those days too.)

The myth of size 0 will probably endure, because it makes America's increasingly plump women feel better. "No matter who's buying this stuff, the mere presence of size zero and beyond plays havoc with the weight-conscious woman's psyche," writes Janet Colwell in an unusually rational discussion of the subject, published in the San Francisco Business Times. "There's just something about knowing that the slender size-eighter is four to five rungs up the size ladder and, in Bebe's and Gap's cases, above the mean. However, it's reassuring to find some explanation—other than an explosion of very thin people—for the influx of small sizes."

Her reporting says the reason is an expansion of choice in both directions. Mine says that size 0 is what used to be known as size 4 (or maybe size 6). On average, American women are getting fatter, and profit-maximizing companies know better than to confront their customers with the facts. Having put on a bit of weight since my college days, when I was not exactly svelte, I should be up to a 12 by now. Instead I'm buying size 6 clothes, and having a tailor take them in. But some women still need a "real" size 6 or a real size 2. Hence, the rise of size 0. Coming soon: negative numbers.

For an amusing look at zaftig America, check out Michael Kelly's column here. Mike Fumento's authoritative, if sometimes mean, book on the subject is Fat of the Land. My New York Times column here looked at an economic explanation for our increasing girth. [Posted 8/29.]

The only silver lining...

2006-07-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

On a more positive note, I'm really excited about this temp assignment that I'm working. I am acting as a Recruiter and I am getting to experience things professionally that I've longed for for many years now.

So I've been bailed on again....I won't learn :)

2006-07-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah...I haven't heard from him since like the 6th or the 13th when he left a voicemail on my cell phone. He'd called at two in the morning so I didn't bother to answer. I finally broke down and returned his message a few days later, but I got the voicemail so I told him that I was returning his call and hoped that everything was going well.

It was apparent from my tone of voice that I was disappointed and/or angry.

I have, of course, heard nothing from him since then. *sigh*

Tonight I feel ok. It will, of course, change soon enough. I will be back feeling like shit and wondering why I can't be strong enough to completely shut myself off or to be even stronger and actually turn these people down at "Go".

I don't believe that I will ever find a guy that I can and will be happy with. Lesbianism isn't an option for me, thus, I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to focus on living in the moment and not notice them anymore.

Prior to becoming sexually active, I operated in a bubble of sorts. It was concious of the opposite sex, but I worked continually at not thinking about them as potential anything other than students.

I've got to get back to that way of thinking because things are not going to work out for me when it comes to men.

None of them have panned out and I don't feel that there is anything that I can do in order to find someone who would actually be good for me that I would be interested in.

I'm tired...I'm going to cruise E-bay. :)

Sad and Lonely

2006-07-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

It has been difficult to not focus on how shitty I feel today. I wanted to call, but, I didn't. I feel so discouraged. I wish that I could just get rid of all of the fucked up emotions and move on entirely. Will I never stop feeling this way? *sigh*

I finished another class and start the next one on August 8th.

Done with men for now

2006-07-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am tired of dealing with liars who masquerade as men. My most recent "lover" has been lying about getting together with me for over a week. He doesn't consistently answer or respond to my calls. I am so tired of of the bullshit.

I don't ask for much. I only ask for honesty. Do not tell me that you will call back if you don't feel like it. Do not say you want to get together if you do not really want to.

I suppose that the lesson to be learned here is that I've got to deal with people that have an interest in impressing me and gaining and maintaining my trust.

It's time to delete this bastard from my life.

I shouldn't have began seeing anyone so soon after the Ron incident. Oh well, I will live and learn from this bridge. Ron was a bridge from S.C and this one's been a bridge from Ron. Now I must focus on just leaving men alone and getting my education and career on track.

What can happen in a Week

2006-07-02T16:57:00.000-07:00

I quit my job. In quitting my job, I forfeited the home which was being offered at an incredible deal.

I have wanted to quit my job almost from the beginning. My only grief comes from no longer being able to purchase my home. I suppose that the timing was not right.

In addition to that, I went on a date from hell with a guy from BP. He told me that he was out from Ny and that he'd not had a single nice date. He complained that the women were stuck up or wanting to play games, etc. I kept my opinions to myself as this one was obviously certifiable. It made little difference.

When I dropped him off, he threw his drink on me.

Yeah...lovely "date" eh?

I was offered another job, exactly a week after I'd quit my previous one. This one will be recruiting only so I'm very excited about that. What will come of it all?

Chaos...my love

2006-06-25T02:40:00.000-07:00

I've let my "love" life screw with my academic life. SO NOT ACCEPTABLE. Last week someone in my learning team busted me out in front of the entire class saying that I had not done my work and that she felt that I shouldn't get credit, etc.

I had done my work. The thing is, I had done the work right before coming to class so I did the assignment, but, put it into the wrong format.

I was able to somewhat redeem myself, but I've been up tonight working on an assignment that is due a week out from now rather than my personal assignment.

I have to get my ass in gear.

I don't know if I even mentioned it, but I wound up meeting up with a guy that I met in Old Sac during the month of May.

We'd met in January or February but had not made it a priority to get together as we seemed to play a lot of phone tag. I finally grew impatient with the waiting and demanded to know if he was married or involved with someone because it did not make sense that we had not got together.

He told me that he worked three jobs and was always busy, but that we should definitely meet up.

We did and he looked nothing like I remembered, (mind you, it was dark when we met) and it was a bit awkward because he kept staring at me. He seemed incredibly intense, but, I liked the fact that I felt nervous around him.

We agreed to move forward as we both were liking what we saw. Unfortunately, we did not get together for several more weeks after that initial "refresher" meeting.

When we did, we wound up going to a late night dinner at Denny's as nothing else was opened. We then spent a couple of hours talking and flirting before he took me to the other side.

*sigh* I slept with him twice that week, both times were for more than three hours. I was exhausted, but satiated for the first time in years and I was enjoying it.

I even brought him to my home to meet my family, (condition for him to stay the night here), only I didn't see or hear from him for several more days. When I did, I almost wished that I hadn't. He told me that he'd been robbed at gunpoint, etc....it wasn't good.

It turns out that my incredible lover is not only young, but he's also invovled in selling drugs and possibly gang violence. Shit! I've NEVER EVER dated a thug. I'm all about straight laced guys that are potentially on an upswing.

This guy is trouble. He asked if he could borrow $60 bucks to replace a battery in his car that was allegedly stolen. I agreed. Not only have I not got the cash back, but the other night he proposed that I rent a car for him so that he can get to work and "visit" me. Ummmm HELL NO!

I am so discouraged. I finally find someone that is sexually compatible if nothing else, and he's attempting to use me as his sugar mama.

On the other hand, there's the other guy that I met at New Year's that I've talked to for months. Went to visit him and wonder if he's got three freaking brain cells. Talking to him was painful. He is just not on my level. He only wants to literally get drunk and talk. Ick!

Some guy came out from Phx and we went to the Reggae club. It was cool. I danced with his cousin, saw Ron...told him off a little. Unfortunately, the guy wound up forcing himself on me. I felt like I had no choice as I was at his place in a strange city with no car. It wasn't good.

I'm moving. I've lived in Sac for 13 years now...no nearly 14. I put down money on a brand new home today.

This girl needs a change in a major way.....

I need to leave all men alone for now

2006-06-04T02:31:00.000-07:00

I got together with D again on Thursday night for a few hours. I actually got home by four, I think. I wasn't completely exhausted on Friday as I got several hours of sleep compared to what he would usually give me.

I let him know that I'm not interested in a person who is doing things that he shouldn't be. That statement lead to a serious conversation with regard to what each of us is seeking. He says that he doesn't want love, but, rather someone who cares and is willing to offer emotional support.

I emphasized that I am not overly interested in being tied down to anyone, but, were I to commit, he would need to be walking the straight and narrow.

I then did something that I completely disagree with in hindsight; he had asked if I could help him out by allowing him to borrow $60 to get a battery for his car. I did.

I'm supposed to visit Bright next weekend. I'm already feeling as if I don't want to be bothered...

I don't even want to touch that one, but, suffice it to say that I don't need to give any man money and certainly not be out doing it at three in the morning.

Finished another class...

2006-05-30T22:48:00.000-07:00

I completed Soc 200 tonight. I enjoyed the class.

Damn, damn, damn!

2006-05-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

So many things took place since last Sunday. Last Sunday I took Ron's call. I felt somewhat better because I told him some of the things that were on my mind, knowing that it would change nothing. I felt relieved to not have to carry those thoughts.

Monday I got a call from D_____. He told me that he was in town (he lives out in Oakland) and wanted to know if I was available to get together. I agreed to do so and we wound up meeting for a late supper. I wasn't hungry as I'd already eaten, but I wanted to spend a little time getting to know him.

We wound up going to a restaurant and from there, he drove us to a liquor store where he got Starburst (some of my favorite candy) . What I didn't know was that he'd also picked up condoms. After making out for several hours....I wound up succumbing to my exhaustion and I had sex with him.

I could have been tired, but, he was incredible! He lasted for hours and I was satisfied multiple times before I finally told him that I could take no more.

We parted ways at nearly five in the morning and I got two hours of sleep before I went to work and then school.

We played phone tag that evening and agreed to get together on Thursday night. It turned out even more intense than Friday as he had his way with me for over four hours (not including foreplay).

I got an hour of sleep prior to going to work on Friday morning.

I told him that if he wanted to spend time at my home he'd have to first meet the occupants of the house. He asked if he could come by on Friday afternoon, so, I said sure. He wound up meeting my family. It went ok. Mind you, he's the first person to meet my family outside of my ex of four years.

Saturday some guy Jason came in from Az. He used to live in Sf until about a month or two ago. He was coming out for the holiday weekend and to work the doors at a club where his friend Dj's. He invited me to come up and he'd get me in for free.

Paula didn't want to drive out there because she had to work on Sunday and she doesn't really get much play when we go there, so I wasn't going to go. Jason offered that I could ride with him out to the city and that he'd let me stay with him if I was comfortable with that. I agreed and went with him.

The club was cool. I danced with his cousin for the first few hours while he worked. I ran into Ron a couple of times there and finally when he offered to buy me a drink I went off with him and talked with him for a few minutes. He told me some BS about how I looked beautiful and was I ok because I looked tired. I went off. I told him that I didn't understand why he kept asking me how I was doing and that the thing that bothered me about it all was that he'd lied about wanting to be married by the end of the year and then he winds up screwing someone else. If that weren't enough, he never even bothered to apologize for hurting my feelings.

He apologized and I told him that I didn't believe him. He insisted that he was being truthful and that he hadn't been sleeping with anyone else other than the "roommate" incident, as he put it. I thanked him for his apology and told him that I had to go.

I left with Jason and his cousin and went back to his place. I fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the sheets. I woke up to him caressing my ass. I pretended to be asleep for about an hour of that and him fingering me. He finally began to go down on me and I couldn't pretend to be asleep anymore.

I wound up sleeping with him even though I didn't want to. He even apologized for pushing the issue after it was over.

We showered and got dressed and he drove me back home. He said he'd call and of course, he didn't. I feel as if he was a wasted fuck. It wasn't good and I didn't want to, but, I felt afraid of what would happen were I to resist. I was alone, in a strange city in a house with two men that I had met less than 24 hours before.

When I tried calling D, his voicemail message indicated that his phone had been lost and to call another number. I called the other number, got some other guy, left a message for him to call me when he could and I haven't heard from him. That was yesterday evening.

I feel tired and disillusioned by the week that I've had.

I am only documenting this stuff so that I can reflect on it all once the shock has worn off. It was a mistake to get involved with D so soon, definitely a mistake to trust and sleep with Jason.
The only good thing was that I saw Ron in person and told him how I felt, leaving little doubt that I was serious about being done with him and his lies.

It doesn't get better...but the burning is decreasing

2006-05-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

I got through Algebra 2 with a B-! I never thought that I'd live to see the day when I would celebrate anything less than an A, but that day arrived about a couple of weeks ago....

I'm tired all of the time and I feel stressed. I gave a guy the greenlight to resolve my sexual frustrations and he began doing things that indicated to me that he wasn't serious about moving forward (not following through when we were supposed to go out). Thankfully, I hadn't slept with him, but, it was a real downer. *Yawn*

It's tough to be in this situation right now. I have considered twice this week calling Ron, but, there is nothing to say. Although I would like nothing more than to see him and to spend time with him, it cannot be anything more than that. He is sleeping with another or other people in general. That is not acceptable to me.

Sometimes I feel so tired and lonely. I do not need a relationship right now...just some stress relief. Some time to decompress....time to get to bed

Over and Done With

2006-04-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

I found out a week ago today that the man that I felt I loved has been living with a woman that he is having sex with. He would not have told me had I not asked him and thankfully, I found the courage to do just that. What a terrible waste of my time and energy. I don't know how long it's been going on, but, at this point in time, I feel terribly empty. I am saddened to know that someone I cared for had no regard for me, but, we cannot change what others think and do.

This passed week, I have focused on my schooling and work to help me through this.

I found out not this last Tuesday, but the one before that my ex is not only involved with someone but fancies himself in love. It was a bit sad for me because he brought our child around this woman without ever mentioning it to me. Other than that, I am happy to know that that chapter is over for me. He will not continue to pester me, because hopefully, he will be happy with this person.

I am so tired all of the time. I really enjoy the work that I do, but, I want to work for another company. I feel as if the things that they do in order to boost employee morale are not enough. There is a distinction made between salaried and hourly employees and that distinction is a huge negative.

I am tired and would like nothing more than to finally be able to relax in someone's arms and go to sleep. I think, however, that the moral to this story for me is that I should have done what I knew to be right years and years ago.

I will not be married as I wanted...because of the choices that I've made. How very depressing.

My sadness is like the ocean....

2006-03-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

Today I am sad and feel despondent because I was on the brink of falling in love with him and things worked out as they did. I have to cut the ties with him and it makes me sad to acknowledge that as well.

I feel as if I'm failing on so many fronts. I worked hard at this Math class and still only got a D. I have never received a D as a final grade in a class. I feel that I have torn myself into a million directions and there is nothing left. I want to cry until I can cry no more.

I am so tired of fighting the feelings of sadness...I think that they will win the battle this time. I will be 25 this Saturday and my life is nothing like I wanted it.

I just want to escape everything. I want to be alone with my despair. I want to change for the better but I'm not sure what specific things I am capable of doing. I want to get out of this cycle of stress and sadness.

I wish that it were apparent to me what to do....yet I do know. I guess I must pray for courage....courage and the true desire to change....

Lonely

2006-03-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

I went to visit the guy out in Milpitas yesterday. He was nice. He got me a gift bag with candles, potpuri, a stuffed animal and champagne. It was thoughtful.

We went out to dinner. He took me to a lake and we talked (actually I tried to doze off while he talked. Later, we went back to the hotel and slept in the same bed and never touched. I felt no chemistry with him. He's a nice guy, but, I think that this taught me that perhaps either 1) I'm not attracted to him or 2) I'm not ready for dating or 3) he's just not the one. I felt more lonely after the experience than I imagined I would.

I miss my bestfriend. I could have discussed this with her and tried to make sense of it all, but, instead, I am writing into cyberspace and can't be certain that I'll receive any feedback. I am tired and feel depressed. I just wish that I could engage in some healthy interaction with someone else.

I am uncertain what I should do. I don't know if I should continue trying to find a person to become romantically involved with or if I should work on getting my friendship back. I don't know. I only know that everything hurts right now and I feel really despondent.

I think that I should tell this guy that I'm not attracted to him. I just don't like confrontation. I think he would handle it fine...perhaps I'm being selfish and not wanting to get rid of that option....

The Waiting Game....

2006-03-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

I feel sad tonight. I slept with him this weekend, he volunteered that he’d call me on Wednesday and he never called. It’s Friday night and I wanted to call, but, what is there to say? It is clear what has happened the entire time that I’ve known him. I have put my life on hold (not at his request) in the HOPES that he’d come around. It hasn’t happened and it will not happen.

I am so sad and discontented. There was time when I felt free. I did not care what any guy thought. I wanted nothing more than physical gratification and felt that that would be enough.

I don’t know when I stopped evaluating whether or not he made me happy. I think that I came to need him to be happy. I think of him at times just about my every waking moment. It is not healthy.

I have put everything on hold and it has been for nothing. I believe that he will never come. I believe that I will never find someone else like him. GOOD. He is no good for me. I want to feel the same level of passion again for someone, but, I do not want to feel this way again. This has been an experience that I regret. I am too emotional to reflect upon what I can take away from this experience other than the importance of not dating anyone who tells you that they want to focus on their music or that there will be plenty of guys…..

I have waited for a long time for him to change when it really needs to be ME who changes. He doesn’t have to change. It really will not make a difference. I have to stop having relationships with people that hurt more than they feel good.

Tomorrow I’ve agreed to meet someone. We’ve had great conversations that are comfortable, but, I’m afraid of meeting people from the net. I don’t want another Andy experience. I’m also afraid of actually liking someone and being vulnerable. I want to just cancel, but I’ll keep my word. If nothing else, he will be one more great “friend” who is ultimately useless to me. *Sigh*

Women and Friendship

2006-03-16T04:49:00.000-08:00

I'll be 25 in a little over a week (March 25th). I have no plans, which is partly my own fault for not making any. I am in a dispute with my closest friend as well. It is all very much an issue that only women would have because of the communication style that women typically have when it comes to disputes.

We oftentimes make a few key mistakes when it comes to getting pissed off about any particular thing. The first mistake is assuming that the other person knows why we're angry. While it may be true that some of the people that we deal with on a day to day basis do know what does and does not make us upset, there is no guarantee that they will know what made us upset when we are angry.

The second mistake that we typically make is assuming that the other person is purposefully witholding an apology because they are locked in a power play or a battle of wills with us to determine who can hold out the longest. Again,while this may be true in some instances, for the most part, the other party is unaware of your anger status or at least the reason behind it. Also, many people in general just don't have the time nor inclination to deal with confrontations over what are typically petty issues.

With the challenges that day-to-day life presents constantly looming in front of us, who really wants to fight?

As an individual, is it really worthwhile to engage in battle with someone you care about?

I've recently been faced with this dilemma. While I care a great deal about the person that I've been having issues with, I do not have a desire to fight. For this reason, avoidance is a much easier and desirable tactic.

The stresses of work, school and single parenting far outweigh arguing or debating who is right and who is wrong. We are both angry and feel a certain degree of resentment. We both feel justified in feeling that way. Whether we are both right (which is highly doubtful) is really of little importance. I wonder to myself how long it will go on and what the long term effect might be on my personal happiness.

The short answer is: some. She's been a huge part of my life for a very long time. I, however, have been branching out for a while, in spurts. I will definitely not be forever a hermit, but it is never the same when you are not with someone that you are really close to.

Back to my birthday. A part of me wonders if I shouldn't try and extend the olive branch prior to the "big day". I debate if it will be construed as an effort to assure that I have a companion to party hard with or not.

There still exists on her end, resntment about my not spending more time with her last year on her 25th birthday (we went out dancing and I danced the whole night with guys) and this also makes me fear that there might exist a desire to "get back" at me. *Sigh*

If only I were a guy right now....

The older guy that I've slept with off and on with since last August was out here for the last time this week. He finally got his RE property rented out.

So now I'm out of a best friend and a sex partner....what a way to go into 25!

On a serious note, I wonder how I can rectify this situation without compromising myself. I don't want anyone to feel that they are entitled to my time and efforts. That is the way I was beginning to feel with my friend...that she didn't appreciate either and was not satisfied with what I was willing to give.

Friendship is not an obligation, but rather, a choice. I guess that at this stage in my life, with all of the craziness that is taking place, I do not want to budge on that.

I do not know what I will do right now....

I fell again....why bother to get back up?

2006-01-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe in intangibles. People or promises alike.

I had a final weekend with the person that I've been intimate with for the last six months. It was not good. The sex was fine, but the things that I was forced to realize about him were not good.

In spite of my ideas on older men/younger women couples, I'd convinced myself that there was really a chance of something developing beyond sex between us. Not only did I find that that wasn't remotely possible, but that he deals with a large number of beautiful young women. *sigh*

I feel so stupid to have even put myself through all of this again. My decision to not see him or speak with him anymore really isn't going to make a difference to him and it will make me suffer for a time, but, it's the only thing that I can do.

School hasn't gone well either because I've had my priorities so out of wack over dating and the like. I've dropped my class for this month and will return in February. I feel so lost and fucked up right now.

Why is it that I feel that I'm not worthy of love or something positive? How can I change that?

A funeral and four men who are dead to me!

2005-12-23T17:58:00.000-08:00

I'd like to preface this blog with a little background. I attended my first funeral yesterday. We were laying to rest a cousin of mine. He was a veteran and the service was brief, but very emotional.

After the service, we had a mini family reunion. Everyone laughed and told stories about old times and relatives who weren't around any longer. I left feeling so much better about life and so positive only to lead to a couple of conversations later that night....

I've had four disappointments in regard with men over the last 36 hours.

I've known Chris from the net for five years. We've never met in person, but he claimed that he was in love with me at one time. I decided against being with him for several reason, one being that he lived in Virginia and I'm in California. In addition to that, he was a full time college student and I was a full time employee in a new relationship. Anyway...he broke up with his girlfriend earlier this year and although we hadn't talked in over a year, since our last spat over something or other, Chris contacted me earlier this month. He wanted to come out here and have sex with me and when I told him that I wasn't interested in being sexual with him and that that's not cool, he decided to move to Texas to live with some other chick. So essentially, I'm good enough to screw, but not to get to know and try and build a relationship with, huh? Interesting...

Robert lamented about how he can't find a nice woman. He went on to tell me about how I always know the right things to say to make him feel better and always offer practical advice and all of this stuff. He then told me that he PRAYS that I will find someone. He PRAYS that I will find someone! WHAT????He excused himself from the running by saying that he lives too far away. Ok....

On to bachelor number three....Mike. This guy was someone that I had a great phone convo with one night for hours and we really seemed to hit it off. He disappeared without an explanation and I just let it pass. He saw me online the other night and we engaged in a long exchange in which he declared that he could fall in love with me easily and that he wanted me to come out to LA and visit him. He told me that he'd pull out all of the stops and all of this crap. I finally agreed to come and meet him. The next two days or so we only talked via offline messages. Today I ran into him online and began talking. As I searched for airline deals (unbeknownst to him) we had a little idle chat and eventually mentioned that he has a date tonight and that he didn't know why he was going or why she'd agreed. Perhaps they'd both be bored...or maybe they'd just use each other for sex. Well, I never....

Finally there's Ron. I began seeing him during the summer and things were great until he began to be less attentive. I couldn't seem to get him to return phone calls or anything. He finally admitted that he was dating other women, actually, I kind of managed to get him to divulge that by pretending that I already knew. I stopped seeing him for a time, but resumed when my horny side prevailed in a battle with my better sense. Things are fucked up again. I told him that I'm not happy and he said that only I can make me happy and that it's not good if I feel like I'm having to chase him. He'll call me later, though. Right.....

Ultimately, I know that these people all need to be deleted from the list of people that I know. I just can't help feeling as if I have got onto a hamster's wheel and am repeatedly becoming involved in the same vicious cycle over and over again. It really kills me to know that I am so depressed over this shit, but, how could I not be?

Ron is right. I need to do what is going to make me happy. Right now, not thinking about any of them will be at least a first step. *sigh* Will I ever meet the man that Robert's been praying about? LOL

Crying never helps but it's all I seem to do these days

2005-12-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

He's stopped taking my calls. Just like that. How very simple it is to be cut off from the object of your affection. I suppose that it has all come full circle then. I feel shattered and hurt and do not know how I'm going to face the impending days. I feel lost and bereft and want to crawl into bed and cry myself to oblivion.....why couldn't he love me? Why? I feel like shit.

I don't know how I can feel better. I just don't want to try anymore. Dating doesn't work for me. I cannot seem to find anyone who I feel the same about....I just wish that someone would believe that I was good enough for them and that I was into them....but it seems to be too much....

That is the trouble...I've always offered too much and have never had quite enough....

As things change, everything remains the same

2005-11-27T22:04:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful. For the first time in years, my family got together without any drama. I truly had a good time.

The fuckbuddy has resumed lying to me. I don't know who I'm more disappointed in: him or me. I know that the right thing to do is to cut him off completely. It will be too great of a cost to repair my dignity after all that I've put myself through for him, but, it still really pisses me off. I wish that I could be really vindictive and bring him down a notch or two, but the greatest revenge is to not give a damn at all. That's what I'm working on.

On a brighter note, I've finished my first non fluff book in a very long time. I'm pleased with that accomplishment. I've also decided that I'm going to date without getting into anything too serious for the next few months. I simply need to network and make some friends. Perhaps I'll take a lover, I'm not sure yet. I typically can go for a few months before it becomes a pressing issue....wish me luck! :)

I'd love to give more time and attention to my personal writing, but, my schedule is so tight these days.

I long for personal time....

Just another Manic Monday....why isn't it Friday?

2005-11-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

I got my Sex and the City dvds and I'm happier than a pig in----well, you know what I mean! I'm so excited! I'd planned to watch a marathon this passed Saturday, but they didn't come in the mail until today so....I'm stuck watching them through the week because I'm scheduled for a computer course on Saturday and have to work on Sunday :(. Poor me!

I could lose my great new job if I don't learn Microsoft Excel by December 9th, so I'm very very very very nervous about that....*sigh*. I purchased Professor teaches Microsoft Office, Windows, Web & Graphics Super Set on Saturday...hopefully it will help! I don't know what to do.

In addition to that, I've slipped back into some bad habits. I've slept with the guy who broke my heart three times in the last couple weeks....it's terrible. On a brighter note, I met a really interesting guy at the grocery store today...so perhaps I'll be distracted enough to finally leave the guy from out of town alone for good.

Another guy asked me to a concert for later this month, so, hopefully we will actually go. I'm really excited because I really like the artist.

I'm so tired right now....I hardly slept last night because I kept getting woken up. I'm hoping that the week will get better.

"I love you"

2005-11-07T21:59:00.000-08:00

I was watching television tonight and on the show the leading man told the woman that he'd been jerking around for the last two or three years that he loved her. She resisted at first but finally submitted to his kiss and wound up sleeping with him and embarking on the start of an affair.

Although this was purely a work of fiction, it made me think of question: Does "I love you" change anything? Does it change everything and cover over a multitude of sins?

How is it that three little words can make or break a relationship? Isn't it horrifying to think that so much weight can be carried in a mere three words?

I reflect upon my relationship upsets and wonder if I'd been told that I was loved, if I would be content...even though I wouldn't necessarily be happy. I wonder....

Off to New York!

2005-11-07T00:56:00.000-08:00

I have a cyber buddy that I've talked to for a year. Tonight he told me that he feels that our conversations are pointless. He went on to explain how discouraging it is to find someone that you feel you really connect with on a mental level who is hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. I could understand his feeling that way. Anyone who's been on the internet for any length of time has probably had at least one person that they've really clicked with who lived far away.

My spontaneity took over and I told him that I'd like to meet him in New York City, (he lives in Syracuse) and we could shop and see RENT http://www.siteforrent.com/.

Lol. *sigh* As dramatic as it sounds...it's not too insane. I've wanted to see the play since I first heard about it in '96. Also, as an avid Sex and the City fan, (who as of yesterday owns every episode created) I've always wanted to visit New York City. I think it would be really exciting and I'm comfortable with meeting him.

I am not interested in trying to make a love connection. I don't feel that way toward him and I'm not one for long distance relationships either...so that wouldn't be a risk. I think it would just be a way of facing yet another fear of mine: meeting someone who is far away that I have talked to for forever. Putting a face to the name and nuances with the words.

A part of me wonders how much of this is spurred on by a desire to run away from my grief over the guy from the summer who, coincidentally, I did see again....just this Saturday! I feel that I need some distance between us and physical distance wouldn't be bad. He is similar to a five pound chocolate bar. It tastes soooooo good but you know that indulging in it will result in a tummy ache!

Continuing to indulge him is getting me nowhere near my personal goals. My challenge this month will be to really break free of this charade and move on with my progression toward----

In the shadows...

2005-10-30T14:47:00.000-08:00

I am an avid fan of personality analysis. For years I've studied about MBTI and the like and have adopted it as a sound explanation for most of humanity's behaviors. Today, I decided to do a little hunting for INFP groups as I'm an INFP and I read about the INFP shadow.

In all of the years that I've studied, I hadn't read about our inferior traits. It seems that the other side of the coin consist of our weak areas. These traits are typically shown when we are under stress or other unusual circumstances. It says that mine is a negative form of the ESTJ. How interesting is that!

I'm going to take a nap and then resume studying about the shadows of the personality types....

http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/mb-types/infp.htm

Crawling in the dark....

2005-10-30T14:02:00.000-08:00

For every step that one takes forward, when they slip, they tend to take at least three backwards. At least, that's been my experience to date. The previous week had been terribly busy and my stress levels were elevated. I tried my little excercises in being positive and found that I was falling short. I made the decision to see the guy that I stopped seeing after the revelation that he was seeing other women.

I decided that I would use the experience and the excercise as a way of closing that chapter. I figured that since I am fully aware of where we stand, I couldn't hope to get anything more out of it.

It was what it was. It certainly helped to calm some of the restlessness that I've been experiencing of late. He gave me a massage that seemed to release a lot of pain in my system, but, once it cleared, I felt a lot better.

We are not going to begin seeing each other regularly again. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that I won't see him again, (it's a very long story, but trust me on this one). I feel ok. Our interaction was nothing like it'd been before, so I can't mourn something that is no longer. I don't feel terrible for my decision, I'm just awfully tired. I was up really late and slept during the day and I've got a chest cold.

I had a lot of time to reflect on the drive home. I'm tired of dating and dodging men. Literally! I think that it's time to open a new chapter of my life. In this chapter, I'm single and use my energies to focus on self realization and getting my spiritual balance back in place.

I feel as if I've spent the bulk of my adult life entangled with another person and it is a blessing to be free if the person you are with has negative energy.

It made more sense in my head! Lol. I'm just tired...and while I'm not feeling hopeless that I'll find a nice guy, I'm feeling resigned to the fact that there will not be any quality to my existence until I regain me.

Cool Blog that I read today...check him out!

2005-10-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

With the changes in healthcare over the last few decades, the roles of Nurses has become increasingly more responsible and critical to patient care. HMO's have tacked a cost to each patient and doctors oftentimes don't have the time to give each patient adequate direct patient care. In comes the Nurse...

They are on the frontlines in our hospitals, clinics and even in some cases, our homes, providing education, comfort and medical attention. This young man is a recent graduate from Nursing school. Well done!

http://tmadamba.blogspot.com

Sitting on the porch in a swing...

2005-10-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

Today started off on such a negative note. I had this long blog first thing this morning. I woke up to a love song that was so sentimental and expressed what I want to have with someone and it made me want to cry...first thing this morning...needing to be to work in an hour. It was terrible. That song, or at least it's message, adversely affected my mood for the rest of the day. I was in a funky mood. I felt down and negative but not upset...just restless and frustrated and really vulnerable. It doesn't help that he didn't call after I left him a message saying that I couldn't do him a favor. It merely emphasizes the fact that he only wants contact with me when he can gain something from the experience. Interacting with me is not enough for him. Whatever we had is so dead that even the ashes leave a bitter taste in my mouth....odd way to put it, eh?

I have this young guy that I had a one night stand with prior to meeting this guy that I'm grieving about, who keeps calling me and wanting to spend time. I am hurting too much to give any energy to trying to "get to know" him. I feel so empty and filled with pain at the same time. I cannot give anything positive right now...at least...that's what I tell myself.

The real issue is that I cannot take him seriously. He is very young and I don't feel passionately for him. I feel that I am chasing an elusive dream. I feel as if I will never feel this depth of emotion for a person again...if ever and it makes me feel hopeless.

I want to contact the guy, but, I'm beginning to annoy myself with the calls! I don't have anything to say so it feels really negative. It's almost business-like as he requests that I do things and I comply. It is so disatisfying...and yet, it is the only way that I can justifiably continue to have contact with him.

Some guy that had messaged me from dating site decided to stop talking to me because I posted a new pic on the site after talking to him....*sigh*

I think that the moral to this story is that I have a lot going on and perhaps the person that I'm looking for is out there...perhaps not, but dealing with these guys is not rewarding. I need to take a break----

Liars and cheaters

2005-10-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

Not sure what to make of it all because prior to this year, I didn't put much stock into astrology. As I read my forecast, it mentioned how none of the relationships that I took part in between February '05 and January '06 would come to anything. *sigh* It makes those of us feel better who have been in a series of upsets when it comes to relationships, I think. I feel slightly discouraged. I was getting calls from a guy that I met in LA and he seemed to be a nice guy. It turns out that he wanted me to give in to his pressure to come up here so that we could get to know one another so that he could move here to be closer to me.

The thought of a stranger uprooting their life for me terrifies me. Well, when he saw that I wasn't giving in to the pressure, he mentioned that he's liked someone in New York for quite some time and that he's flying her out. If things work out, she will move in with him.

Now, to be honest, I wasn't really interested in this guy. I felt that he was really nice and that I'd be able to cultivate feelings if given time. It was just terribly discouraging to find that someone that I felt was above board was just as misleading as the last guy that I "dated". Lol

It's all pretty laughable if it weren't my reality, I might be in stitches. Oh well. I'm so tired of people and lies and dating and feeling lonely. It will get better. It has to, right?

My Astro Chart....am I getting desperate or WHAT?

2005-10-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

Introduction
This report is a short edition of the AstroText Forecast. It is meant as a sample and advertisement for the full version of the AstroText Forecast which can be ordered from Astrodienst as a bound report of about 20 - 30 pages.
In the short edition, only a few, but nevertheless important transits over your natal chart are considered. It is likely however that some important transits of this six month period have been omitted in this abbreviated report.
If you are interested in the full pattern of relevant themes, please order the full version of this report. Your best choice of report will be Liz Greene's Yearly Horoscope Analysis or Robert Hand's Transits of the Year. These reports will select the really relevant themes of a 12-month period for you, and deal with them in depth and style.
The report was generated for 6 months starting from October 2005 with the following birth data: female, born on 25 March 1981 at 11:25 pm in Modesto, California.
Your sun sign is Aries. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is in Sagittarius, and your Moon is also in Sagittarius.

Pluto sextile Pluto: Overall gentleness
End of December 2004 until mid October 2006: During this time the changes that take place in your life will be part of a creative evolution. You can see that you are moving toward your goals and that you do not need anything else in order to attain them. You will get there simply by allowing the current energies to play themselves out.
At the same time this influence will create additional opportunities for growth that you may or may not choose to take advantage of. This is a period of stability within change.
Quite likely your concerns will become deeper as you become interested in the more profound aspects of your life. You may wish to understand more about your internal psychological workings, and this is a good time to find out without fearing great upsets. The overall gentleness of this influence allows you to discover many things that could be the source of anguish at other times. On another level, this influence will also give you greater concern about the universe as a whole and where you are in relationship to it.
You will probably find that your views about daily life are stabilizing and maturing. Now that the period of rapid change is past, you are arriving at a way of dealing with the world that will not change much more except, hopefully, when future experience invalidates your present views. In other words, this influence doesn't represent settling into rigidity, but stability.

Uranus square Ascendant: Sudden separations
End of February 2005 until end of January 2006: This influence is likely to have a very disruptive effect on your relationships. Influences may enter your life, either through your home or your profession, that will challenge the foundations upon which your life is built. This challenge will be reflected in surprising encounters with others that upset your way of living or in sudden separations from persons who you thought would remain in your life for some time. Or it may be that you yourself are the catalyst of all these changes as you seek to become free of circumstances that have become oppressive.
During this period it is quite likely that you will do things and go places you never would have thought of in the past. The old patterns of your life simply can no longer encompass what your life is becoming now.
From all of the above it should be obvious that this is not an "evil" influence, although anyone who is wedded to the status quo in life or to their own past will find this period difficult to contend with. Old patterns that have acquired a stranglehold over your life will break up. You may not have been aware of these patterns, because many people find their "strangleholds" quite comfortable, at least until much later on.
The people who enter your life at this time may be quite different from anyone you have known before. Some of these relationships may be quite brief. You may encounter someone for a specific purpose, which you may not be aware of at the time, and once that purpose is accomplished, the relationship ends.
If a new love interest enters your life at this point, it is likely to be exciting, free and totally unpredictable. Do not make a permanent commitment to it until well after the end of this period, for such a relationship is likely to be very unstable and brief.

Uranus conjunction Mercury: Thinking things through
Beginning of April 2005 until mid December 2006: This is a very positive influence, a time when your mind will be stimulated as never before. New ideas, new techniques and new approaches to life will continually come to you. Radical ideas that you would never have entertained before seem perfectly all right now, and you are able to use them positively.
Communication will take on a more important role in your life at this time. You need to share with everyone the new insights that are coming into your life. Consequently you are likely to become a proselytizer for new ideas, trying to break others out of their rigid patterns of thinking. Astrology and the occult in general will attract you now, if they haven't in the past. You will also be interested in scientific and technological disciplines. This is an excellent time to begin studying science and mathematics.
However, if you want to take advantage of these opportunities, you must be quite flexible in your own thinking. If your thinking is very rigid, this will be an extremely upsetting period in which your ideas are challenged and found wanting. Under these circumstances you may become more tense, nervous and threatened. Even if you go along with the insights that this influence can bring, it may be upsetting, because the pace is too fast to keep up. Nervous ailments and anxieties can be a part of this period if the pace becomes too hectic.
A related problem now is the tendency to scatter your thoughts so that you don't think things through very carefully. There is the danger of making decisions impulsively without adequate forethought. In general, this is not a good time to make decisions, but rather a time to learn. Make sure you are in a position where you are free to change your mind, for you may do it frequently. If you try to make a permanent commitment to some new course of action, you are likely to embarrass yourself by seeming inconsistent. The problem is really that you are so constantly exposed to new data that your conclusions have to change as your understanding changes.

Saturn trine Moon: Mutual reinforcement
Beginning of September 2005 until mid June 2006: This influence indicates a time of equilibrium in your life, when the demands of the world are in balance with your emotional needs. Emotional maturity and past experiences have prepared you for this, and now you can put your understanding to work to make your life run more smoothly. Tensions that in the past have seemed to pull you in opposite directions are now working in balance and harmony.
At this time your emotional attitude is sober. Your mental state is relatively quiet, and you can see objectively what is true for you, what your needs are and how much you can give and get from others. Your domestic life and your work reinforce each other, and you are able to attend to both without sacrificing either.
Older people, especially women, may give you great insight and understanding. Your own emotional attitudes are "older" at this time. You take advantage of other people's insights of age.

Saturn trine Ascendant: Gaining experience
Beginning of September 2005 until mid June 2006: During this period of time you will establish yourself with respect to the rest of the world. People will come to know who you are and what you are doing. At the same time this influence indicates that you have reached a point of equilibrium at which your actions and behavior toward others are reliable and consistent. You will not feel like surprising people with sudden or unpredictable actions, nor will you want others to surprise you. Your whole objective is to reach the point where all your affairs are running smoothly and on schedule. Your approach is disciplined, well ordered and mature.
About the only problem with this influence is that you find it difficult to make changes conservatively. And if that response is inappropriate to the situation, you will have difficulty. You are not very flexible, but that is not usually a great problem.
At this time in your life, you are very concerned with gaining experience, particularly in your profession. You are likely to be ambitious and will work hard to get ahead and improve yourself. You will seek out people who can help you, and probably you will make very sure that you want to be fair and just, you don't want to be in debt to anyone. This is a time when self-sufficiency is very important to you.
This is reflected in your relationships also. You are somewhat more reserved than usual and cautious about forming new relationships. Usually this is to the good, although if you are too cautious you may overlook persons who could assist you. Older, more experienced people attract you especially, because you know you can learn from them. A person who will play a very important role as your teacher may come into your life at this time. But don't expect him or her to necessarily conform to your preconceived image of a teacher. He or she may come from any area of your life, and you may not recognize what has happened until later.

Jupiter trine Mercury: Intelligent plans
Beginning of December 2005 until mid August 2006: This is not a time when you should wait for things to come to you. But you can do quite well with it if you communicate with people, look for opportunities, especially in business, and look for good items to buy or sell. This influence confers the ability to see events clearly and to make plans intelligently, which will serve you well in any of these matters.
You are able to put yourself across with confidence and warmth, which will make other people believe you. They will also respect your sincerity and the clarity with which you communicate your ideas. Even if you tell someone something he or she doesn't want to hear, you can do it so that the other person will feel good about you for saying it.
This is an excellent time to take up the study of a new subject, and the more abstract the better. But you also have the ability now to translate abstract ideas into practical reality, which can be very useful in organizing and planning your activities in any sphere of life.
On the psychological level you can expect a period of optimism and positive thinking, fortunately based on reality. You have big ideas, but you have the basic sense to understand what can and cannot be done. This contributes greatly to your effectiveness at this time.

AstroText Forecast - Short Edition October 2005 to March 2006
for (female)
born on 25 March 1981
local time
11:25 pm
in CA (US)
U.T.
07+25
121w00, 37n38
sid. time
11:35:37
Planetary positions
planet
sign
degree
house
motion
Sun
Aries
05°33'00
04
direct
Moon
Sagittarius
07°42'51
12/1
direct
Mercury
Pisces
10°00'17
03
direct
Venus
Aries
02°28'17
04
direct
Mars
Aries
07°08'03
04
direct
Jupiter
Libra
05°28'45
10
retrograde
Saturn
Libra
06°30'18
10
retrograde
Uranus
Scorpio
29°54'52
12
retrograde
Neptune
Sagittarius
24°51'28
01
stationary (R)
Pluto
Libra
23°27'12
11
retrograde
True Node
Leo
09°01'30
08
retrograde
House positions (Placidus)
Ascendant
Sagittarius
07°52'59
2nd House
Capricorn
10°14'32
3rd House
Aquarius
17°18'00
Imum Coeli
Pisces
23°21'46
5th House
Aries
23°17'38
6th House
Taurus
17°17'06
Descendant
Gemini
07°52'59
8th House
Cancer
10°14'32
9th House
Leo
17°18'00
Medium Coeli
Virgo
23°21'46
11th House
Libra
23°17'38
12th House
Scorpio
17°17'06
Transits
Pluto sextile Pluto, 25 Dec 2004 - 13 Oct 2006
Uranus square Ascendant, 28 Feb 2005 - 27 Jan 2006
Uranus conjunction Mercury, 8 April 2005 - 12 Dec 2006
Saturn trine Moon, 9 Sep 2005 - 18 June 2006
Saturn trine Ascendant, 10 Sep 2005 - 19 June 2006
Jupiter trine Mercury, 8 Dec 2005 - 13 Aug 2006

My profile....know anything about MBTI?

2005-10-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: INFJ

The Protector
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #3 Match: INTP

The Thinker
You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.
You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

Your #4 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #5 Match: INTJ

The Scientist
You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems.Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized.You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others.Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you.
You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

What's" Your Personality Type?

Literary Tears

2005-10-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

He thinks he's got me figured out and I won't hear from him again! It's for the best, but, it certainly doesn't feel that way. I suppose that this will actually help in my getting over him. Without the phone calls or any contact, I'll be forced to deal with the loss. I certainly have no justifiable reason to contact him, so, I will not do so. I only wish that it didn't hurt so much. I wish that I could just turn my emotions off and not feel the way that I do. I wish that I could also be completely honest with myself and the people that are now trying to get to know me.

I don't want to be rude, but, I'm not interested in the least. I can't see myself with a single one of them. Granted, most of them have fallen off to the wayside since my return from Los Angeles and not calling anyone to initiate contact. One, however, says things that make me feel slightly defensive, as if I need to make a decision right now.

I hate feeling pressured and I will have to be quite frank. I told him the last time that we talked that I am feeling very down as I'm trying to get over someone....what more should I have said? I think that people see an opportunity when they feel that you are vulnerable and seek to try and get in where they can.

I only wish that I could find some way to change how I feel about him instantaneously that would last. Why can't I be happy that he's out of my life? Apparently he's not agonizing over the situation.

My friend tried to tell me last night that everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah. I don't buy it. Sometimes terrible things happen to good people and vice versa simply because that's life. Time and unforseen occurrence befall us all. There are some things for which we cannot prepare. Things will not always go the way that we want them. If they were to do so, how many wars do you think we'd have? How many people would drop dead out of the blue? Or be tortured? Or go broke? How many of us would be left on this planet if things always happened as we'd like.

I think that he is trying to get at the fact that there is some sort of connection between us that should be explored. He lives over four hundred miles away in Los Angeles. I cannot have a romantic relationship with someone who lives that far away. I need so much more from any adult relationship that I have than an instant message can give me. *sigh*

Besides, I hardly know him. While he offers a lot of spirtitual advice and insight into my personality and even that of his own, I cannot say that I feel for him what I feel for this whirlwind of a man that I was involved with.

I feel hopeless and sad that I will never meet anyone who makes me feel so intensely who will not hurt me again. I feel sad that I've lost someone that I felt close to. I feel lost.

I said "No"

2005-10-10T01:58:00.000-07:00

I turned down sex with someone that I've wanted for five or six years. It doesn't sound all that hard, but it was. I had to make a conscious choice to not allow myself to use him to put space between me and the last guy that I was with. As I explained to him, if I don't want men to use me for sex, I have to stop giving in to casual sex. I told him that he knew that I was vulnerable and that he was behaving badly by trying to get me into the sack at a time like this. He said that he understood and that he agreed that we shouldn't have sex. I don't know how reformed he is, but he certainly listened to my speech quite patiently! Lol.

I'm sure that I will feel bad about it later, but I feel that I really deserve better than that. A warm embrace for a few minutes while I wish that it were someone else holding me is not my idea of a passionate experience. I did do the right thing! I did!

Emotional Plastic Surgery

2005-10-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

I was watching tv and saw a show on plastic surgery. The patients wanted surgery on themselves in order to look more like they felt on the inside. They wanted to be more beautiful, more feminine...different from how they actually were. The interesting thing about it, is that typically plastic surgery is a good thing for people when done in moderation. It helps them to feel more confident about themselves.

I wish that there were some sort of emotional plastic surgery procedure available. If there were, I'd take all of the sadness and self-doubt off and replace it with a permanent happy exterior. I'd have my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority replaced with confidence and have a nice pert superiority complex applied. Not a big, bold one, just one that's cute and perky that people seem to like.

I'd streak my personality with highlights just like hair. I'd be charismatic and enthusiastic. I'd enhance my funny side, just like breasts, maybe I'd go "DD"! After all, who can ignore that? If I could do these things, maybe I'd be in a better position to handle the dating game....maybe I'd actually find someone who could appreciate who I am...and love that person.

At the very least, maybe I could be that someone.

He called me every night for a week. I think he was doing it to disprove my point that he used to call me every night and had ceased. I also think that it's been his intention to keep the lines of communication open so that I'd be inclined to get together with him again. I was in doubt as to whether or not I'd be willing to do it. I wasn't certain if I could handle it emotionally and still question whether or not agreeing to see him had been a wise decision.

The first thing that he asked me to do was to give him a hug. The hug lasted for easily five minutes. It ended with us kissing. I was weak...but I thought that I could handle it. We sat and talked for a while and he mentioned that he was sure that there would be many men that I would be able to choose from. Again, only emphasizing to me that he was not an option. I felt a part of me harden as I attempted to steel myself against the rush of emotions that threatened to take hold of me.

I listened to him talk about how worried about his friend who had a tumor removed this week. He talked about counting ones blessings and all of that. We discussed spirituality and things of that nature. I massaged his neck and he kissed me between my breasts through the t-shirt that I wore. He asked if I were to be walking down the street with my husband and I saw him if I'd say hello and I told him that I wouldn't. The sort of man that I want to marry would be offended that I'd greet someone who I'd just had a sexual relationship with. It is disrespectful. He agreed that it was right and then tried to gauge if perhaps in a few years we both met up and I was widowed....I stopped entertaining it and told him that in that time he'd be too old for me to be interested in at all. Did I mention that he's 14 years my senior?

He would take these liberties because I would let him. Of this, we were both confident. It was truly a sweet torture. I could not delight in the knowledge that he desired me because I knew that even that had it's limits. He can't tell you anything about me. He has asked me the same things over and over because I am not important to him. How could I let him become important to me?

Why do I grieve the loss of this connection more than the loss of a five year relationship? Why does this hurt cut deeper? Perhaps with the LTR I knew for a long while before that it was over. I had the assurance that if I really wanted my ex back, I could have him. I was, after all, admittedly, the best gf he'd had. I'd certainly given more to him than any woman had in his past. Perhaps I felt such a keen sense of loss because I'd really pictured this as hhaving long term potential. This man was consistent with what I want in a man and the depth of passion that I felt...still feel for him, is unlike anything that I've experienced before.

All I know is that spending that time with him was heartbreaking. We went to dinner and I tried to behave normally but I felt a tinge of bitterness in the words that I said. He hinted that he could show me some things and I told him that he couldn't. He questioned whether he would never be able to and I told him that I have a friend who says that he never uses that word, and the reasoning but that I don't agree with that.

He finally took me back to my car. He asked me to return to the city with him and his house. I told him that he's got things to do out there. He told me "so". I told him that it wasn't a good idea and what would I be getting out of it? He laughed and got out of the car and then swept me into his arms and began massaging my shoulders and back. He melted my defenses quite a bit...that has always been one of his powers over me. He told me to kiss him and I did. It went on from there and he wanted me to touch him, but I wouldn't and we eventually got to my car and he told me goodnight.

I feel terrible for doing what I did and even worse for not seeking an escape in his arms. I feel so damned depressed now. I know that I did the right thing, but I question whether or not I will be able to experience the things with anyone else that I felt with him.

It wasn't just the passion, although he's got everyone beat in that are. Thinking of him can cause my entire body to flush and make me feel as if I'm having a hot flash. It's the feeling of being at peace because I'm in his presence. I could relax with him and feel safe and special and....*sigh*

Sometimes I feel as if every bad thing that happens is payment for something terrible that I must have done. I tried to do things the right way when I got involved with this guy and still, things went to hell. I feel as if I should never date again.

My week

2005-10-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

The last week has been pretty hectic. I went on a trip to Los Angeles with my bestfriend on Friday. We had a pretty good time. I met a guy that I've chatted with on the phone and online, an accountant. The e-mails that we exchanged in our first days of getting acquainted were absolutely stimulating! He seemed interesting and intelligent.

While I walked away from the experience still thinking that he was intelligent, I found him to be terribly boring in person. Perhaps he was a little nervous, I'm not sure, but the first thing that he said to me when I opened the door was "You look far better than your pictures! Not to say that your pictures aren't nice, but, you are stunning!" Talk about a compliment!

He told me the same thing a couple days later when he took me to lunch.

We went out the first night with him taking us to Hollywood. We walked around this huge mall that's been built since the last time that we went to L.A. It was sort of late and none of the shops were open. In addition to that, the many restaurants were closed. We wound up having dinner at a "Johnny Rockets" which wasn't great.

The next night, my gf and I went to a dance club that we found in the L.A. Weekly. We'd had a late start on preparing to go out dancing so we chose the only place listed as closing at four in the morning. The place was in a bad area of town and we were nervous enough that we didn't take our purses inside.

The place was similar to something you'd see on tv....just wild! It turns out that it was either a gay club or at least the gay night. There were so many hot looking men and women in there and I kid you not, not a single straight couple was to be found! In addition to that, there were a few stages with exotic dancers in bikinis doing all sorts of moves that I'd only seen done in pornos or while alone with someone! It was hilarious! We'd come there with the desire to dance with hot and sexy men and we wound up spending the night dancing with each other.

Sunday night we finally got some satisfaction out of our clubbing experiences. We went to a reggae club on Constellation and saw Lady Saw. I suppose that she's the self described Queen of Dancehall.

She started her set talking about her "pussy." Yes...she actually used that word...and proceeded to sing song after song about sex and men and the like. There were also some other shows..like people dancing onstage and the audience getting involved. It was cool. I danced all night with men so I was happy.

We returned home on Tuesday morning and I crawled into bed at about three AM. Sadly enough, I had to start my new job that morning and arrive at eight which meant I got up at six!

The new job is working at a company as an assistant in the human resources department. It seems pretty interesting. I'm a curious person by nature so it's very fascinating to find out about the laws.

Phone calls...

2005-10-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

I spent last Friday through Tuesday morning in Los Angeles. It was truly a peaceful experience in some ways. My cell phone didn't work out there, so I couldn't receive phone calls. He called me every single day. I spoke with him Friday night and entertained the idea of seeing him once I returned, but I haven't. We've spoken each evening this week and finally got into it again when I told him that friends don't f*ck each other. I meant it both figuratively and literally! I don't know if he picked up on the irony of it.

It merely goes to show what a self-serving ass he really is. When I liked him and didn't know about his other women, he hardly ever called me. Now he calls me daily to try and persuade me to come and sleep with him again. It's really disappointing. I think that the more that I talk with him, the easier it's becoming to not feel the same way about him. I don't hate him or even dislike him---yet.

If, however, he implies again that my maturity is in question because I won't agree to casual sexm, that might actually change....