Jumbles

I'm such an idiot! I have met someoen who is so much like me that it's not funny. It makes me joyous to be understood and it makes me afraid. I know the negative things about me, I fear that those negatives might be true of him as well. On the other hand, I feel stupid for even entertaining the idea of anything coming of it all. He's in another part of the country, neither of us can drop everything and move to be close to one another. Those points aside, we haven't met in person. It could very well turn out to be that we don't have the same connection in person once we're faced with the reality of each other. We've each developed an image of the other person, but, how skewed is that image? I could easily fall head over feet for this guy and that's what frustrates me.

This is the first time in my life that I've encountered a person who understands my thoughts and views...someone who actually reflects them. It is special. I am afraid to be anything more than a friend to this person, yet, my nature won't allow me to merely harbor friendly feelings for him.

I am so very confused about how I should conduct myself. I am so very, very confused. I wish that the answers were clear and that I could tell how things will turn out so that I can gain some peace of mind. I am so happy to know him and sad too! I move too fast...feel too intensely and cool off quickly. I am such a silly woman!

Change

I'm allowing myself to fall for someone new and altogether different from anyone that I've been with before. I don't know where it's going. On the other hand, we finished our training for the company. I'm looking forward to getting started with that. I hope that everything works out. I'm not sure if I'm going to see Paul again. He's a really nice guy, but, I don't know that I'm feeling him.

Grandma

My grandmother was diagnosed with colon and breast cancer about five years ago. Friday afternoon she went to the hospital because she showed signs of internal bleeding. It turns out that she was bleeding internally and they admitted her. I'm not sure what they are going to do, but, it's pretty scary. My grandmother is more like a mother to me than my mother ever has been. I'm really stressed out.

SF :)

I went to Sf with my best friend to go dancing last night. It was awesome! We hadn't been to the City in forever and we were pretty excited to be going at last. The trouble with where we live is that the guys aren't very aggressive when it comes to asking women to dance at the clubs. In addition to that, it's hard to get them to dance at all. They tend to chase the girls who all look alike here, average sized blonde girls with that same hairstyle...you know the one where the hair is clipped up and the bangs are worn in a swoop. :) If not the chicks fitting this description, they MIGHT deviate from that and go for the cute little Asian chicks. So much for diversity in this burg. Oh well.

Sf was a lot of fun. I danced with several guys and my friend ran into a guy that she's talked to off and on for four years. They connected and that was a good thing.

I talked to Robert on Friday for a couple of hours. He's been sick and his father was sick last week...he was actually hospitalized. The more that I talk to him, the more that I find I'm attracted to him. He said again that he'd like me to come out there; we'll see where that goes....

Paul and I were supposed to get together yesterday but he got really busy so...he wanted to get together today...I don't think so! We've agreed to chat and agree on another date and time to catch a movie or something.

Update on Robert

I called Robert last Thursday and we talked for nearly three hours until his phone died. It was, as usual, a long and entertaining converation. I really enjoy the way he thinks and he makes me feel excited about so many different things. My concern is that I really really really like him but he's a million miles away and his being of a different culture might kill any chances of anything serious before we even get started.

While I know we would connect sexually, I'm not sure how far all of this can really go. That makes me really sad and it also gives me justification to see people that are here. We have made no promises to each other. Hell, we haven't even discussed being a couple, so I'm not doing anything wrong. I just wish that I could see where this is going so that I can prepare myself emotionally for whatever will come.

In the meantime, he's the greatest guy that I've met in a very long time and I look forward to seeing him. Did I mention that I'm seriously considering taking a trip to Texas? Lol.

Well...I went and done it!

I had sex with Paul. It was pretty decent. I don't understand why I opted to do it. After all...we were "taking things slow" and it was going well. It's been nice to have someone that I am attracted to and enjoy spending time with who isn't trying to get into my pants.

We got together around nine or ten and watched a few movies. After the last one...I sort of turned in his arms and inhaled his scent. He always smells great. So we wound up kissing and things went from there. The thing is that I had an out. He asked me if I was comfortable with going all the way at that time and also told me that it was "perfectly fine" if I wasn't. Initially I said that it was best to not do so. We fooled around for a few hours and then the next thing I know...he'd driven me completely mad with passion and I begged him....yes...begged him to f*ck me.

It was a pretty intense evening. I don't regret it..but I wonder how it's going to impact our association with one another. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. The thought of that scares me. Beside that, I'm really wanting to get together with Robert, but, he's in another state and we've got no understanding established, thus, we're both fair game. I guess that I like spending time with Paul and I don't want our comfort zone to change. I fear that in making our interaction sexual, it might speed up the process and create a false sense of intimacy. This might lead to his wanting a relationship and I don't want to be rushed into anything. On the other hand, he might be like the average jerk and not really want anything other than sex from here on in. The sad part about that is that I'm better prepared to deal with the latter scenario versus the former. I'm really messed up in the head....

My tree

You Are A Hazelnut Tree

You're a charmer with a killer sense of humor. You are very demanding, but you can also be very understanding. No matter what, you always make a lasting impression - you're quite popular. Passionate, you are an active fighter for social causes and politics. In general, you are moody, honest, a perfectionist, and very sexual.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?