I have been feeling so angry and negative for the last few weeks.
I believe that my sister's situation has proven to be a catalyst for the negative things that have been bogging me down to choke the joy from me.
I am so physically and emotionally drained right now.
Whereas a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world, with all sorts of energy, now I find that it is hard to get out of bed and I don't want to do anything.
I feel so tired.
Maybe I should take a trip this weekend....
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Frustration is a constant companion....
I feel so angry and unappreciated. I feel so frustrated that I could scream!
I have shed a few tears and wish that I could cry more. Then, perhaps, I would have a little relief from these bitter emotions that are swimming within me.
All day long I have battled feelings of nausea brought on by a great many things including personal distress.
I decided to take the bull by the horns and contact my "bf" and asked when he would be available, preferably during the weekend for us to get together.
He told me that it was only Tuesday and that he'd have to get back in touch with me.
Does he think I'm a complete idiot?
How dare he wait to see if he can find plans before agreeing to see me.
It is clear that I need to walk away now before things get any worse.
I have been fighting with my son's dad for the last week. He's not paid a cent in the way of child support, in spite of the fact that our son is FIVE and he's currently planning a September wedding!
He's been telling me since October that he was going to begin paying the court appointed monies and I've been patient each time that he's delayed his start date.
I am so frustrated that I blew up at him.
I just want an opportunity to step away from everything for a bit and regain my perspective.
I am so unhappy right now.
So frustrated, unhappy and sad.........
I have shed a few tears and wish that I could cry more. Then, perhaps, I would have a little relief from these bitter emotions that are swimming within me.
All day long I have battled feelings of nausea brought on by a great many things including personal distress.
I decided to take the bull by the horns and contact my "bf" and asked when he would be available, preferably during the weekend for us to get together.
He told me that it was only Tuesday and that he'd have to get back in touch with me.
Does he think I'm a complete idiot?
How dare he wait to see if he can find plans before agreeing to see me.
It is clear that I need to walk away now before things get any worse.
I have been fighting with my son's dad for the last week. He's not paid a cent in the way of child support, in spite of the fact that our son is FIVE and he's currently planning a September wedding!
He's been telling me since October that he was going to begin paying the court appointed monies and I've been patient each time that he's delayed his start date.
I am so frustrated that I blew up at him.
I just want an opportunity to step away from everything for a bit and regain my perspective.
I am so unhappy right now.
So frustrated, unhappy and sad.........
Monday, May 28, 2007
After the blow up....
The last time that I went out with my "boyfriend," (yes I'm still in denial about it all----sometimes) I wound up having a major melt down.
I still have a hard time believing it even though it was almost exactly two weeks ago (it will be two weeks on Wednesday).
A lot of things have been going on that have had me stressed out to the max. My younger sister was in three accidents, totalled her second car in six months, hit someone and didn't tell us and the insurance company won't cover it....there comes ANOTHER lawsuit and has skipped 34 full days of school this semester. Simply put, she is NOT graduating high school and will possibly be not going to UC Berkeley where she's been accepted and has received a scholarship!
I have taken care of her and my other baby sister since before I was an adult so it was like finding out that my child was not going to make it.
To top all of it off, I also received a phone call from Ron and he was telling me that he had something to tell me that he could only say in person. I assumed the worst and guessed that he'd given me some terrible STD, but, he finally told me that it was not that.
It turns out that he was only using this as an excuse to try and get me to speak with and possibly see him. I had not taken his calls or communicated with him since he refused to give me a massage around my birthday.
So anyway...earlier in the week, I'd decided that I wanted to see my bf without spending the evening hanging out at his house. I also decided that the only person that I can expect to fulfill my needs is me, so, I invited him out to watch one of the playoff games at a sports bar. I figured that it was a two for the price of one deal.
I'd get to watch the Spurs and also spend some time with him.
Initially, we had a good time.....hell, I'd even go so far as to say that we were having a GREAT time.
The game was going well, he was mixing and mingling some and all was good.
Part way through the evening, I found out that it was karoke night at the place. I was not really feeling sticking around for it, but he was gung ho for it and signed up for a couple of songs.
Unfortunately, what should have been a date of a couple of hours, wound up being five plus hours spent in a damned sports bar.
I'd told him three hours into the ordeal that I was tired and ready to go. Mind you, I'd worked earlier that day and was ready to spend some time with him one one one prior to going home.
*sigh*
It was not to be....
By the fifth hour, I was tired, slightly irritated, but, holding it together.
He approached me initially to tell me that some woman had bitten him and some other guy. I immediately wanted to know who. He wouldn't tell me and was laughing about it.
I blew him off and went back to listening to people sing.
Not long after that, I look up to see some woman hanging onto him as some guy struggled to pull her off him.
It was the final straw for me.
He and I got into a disagreement because he had not told her to stop and I told him I'd leave, he said fine so I left.
I was fuming and went to my car to wait for him to come out.
He came out talked to me and tried to talk me into going back in, but, I was so furious that I could not. I told him that not only was this his fault because he'd failed to stop her, but, that we should have left hours before as I'd requested.
We eventually went back to his place where he continued to pacify me prior to our making love.
The next morning, we had a rational conversation about things and I apologized for losing it and he pointed out that he was aware that there was more to my blow up than what had taken place last night.
Although we parted on good terms, I still feel akward. I did not go to his show that weekend, nor did he ask if I was going. He went to Atlanta for a relative's graduation for a week and we sent a few text messages to each other but didn't talk on the phone.
I continued to stress myself out regarding the situation (not talking on the phone, my little sister's situation). I had my first migraine in two years and my menses which usually lasts seven full days was only three days this month.
I did not eat for most of the weekend and had body aches and felt fatigued.
When he called me on Sunday to tell me that he was back, I found myself falling back on my old habit of not really responding emotionally and I even sounded disappointed when he told me that he was back in CA (purely an accident).
I know that I am not happy right now, but, I do not know how to communicate with him that I am going through my own stuff and should probably just take a breather when we have already just finished a breather.
I suppose that my concern is that he's going to have some misguided sense of anger that I didn't call him when he was gone (he sometimes plays the insecurity card) and I don't want to deal with that.
I am having a struggle holding it together right now.
I care for him, but, I'm not ready for anything too intense.
What in the hell should I do?
I still have a hard time believing it even though it was almost exactly two weeks ago (it will be two weeks on Wednesday).
A lot of things have been going on that have had me stressed out to the max. My younger sister was in three accidents, totalled her second car in six months, hit someone and didn't tell us and the insurance company won't cover it....there comes ANOTHER lawsuit and has skipped 34 full days of school this semester. Simply put, she is NOT graduating high school and will possibly be not going to UC Berkeley where she's been accepted and has received a scholarship!
I have taken care of her and my other baby sister since before I was an adult so it was like finding out that my child was not going to make it.
To top all of it off, I also received a phone call from Ron and he was telling me that he had something to tell me that he could only say in person. I assumed the worst and guessed that he'd given me some terrible STD, but, he finally told me that it was not that.
It turns out that he was only using this as an excuse to try and get me to speak with and possibly see him. I had not taken his calls or communicated with him since he refused to give me a massage around my birthday.
So anyway...earlier in the week, I'd decided that I wanted to see my bf without spending the evening hanging out at his house. I also decided that the only person that I can expect to fulfill my needs is me, so, I invited him out to watch one of the playoff games at a sports bar. I figured that it was a two for the price of one deal.
I'd get to watch the Spurs and also spend some time with him.
Initially, we had a good time.....hell, I'd even go so far as to say that we were having a GREAT time.
The game was going well, he was mixing and mingling some and all was good.
Part way through the evening, I found out that it was karoke night at the place. I was not really feeling sticking around for it, but he was gung ho for it and signed up for a couple of songs.
Unfortunately, what should have been a date of a couple of hours, wound up being five plus hours spent in a damned sports bar.
I'd told him three hours into the ordeal that I was tired and ready to go. Mind you, I'd worked earlier that day and was ready to spend some time with him one one one prior to going home.
*sigh*
It was not to be....
By the fifth hour, I was tired, slightly irritated, but, holding it together.
He approached me initially to tell me that some woman had bitten him and some other guy. I immediately wanted to know who. He wouldn't tell me and was laughing about it.
I blew him off and went back to listening to people sing.
Not long after that, I look up to see some woman hanging onto him as some guy struggled to pull her off him.
It was the final straw for me.
He and I got into a disagreement because he had not told her to stop and I told him I'd leave, he said fine so I left.
I was fuming and went to my car to wait for him to come out.
He came out talked to me and tried to talk me into going back in, but, I was so furious that I could not. I told him that not only was this his fault because he'd failed to stop her, but, that we should have left hours before as I'd requested.
We eventually went back to his place where he continued to pacify me prior to our making love.
The next morning, we had a rational conversation about things and I apologized for losing it and he pointed out that he was aware that there was more to my blow up than what had taken place last night.
Although we parted on good terms, I still feel akward. I did not go to his show that weekend, nor did he ask if I was going. He went to Atlanta for a relative's graduation for a week and we sent a few text messages to each other but didn't talk on the phone.
I continued to stress myself out regarding the situation (not talking on the phone, my little sister's situation). I had my first migraine in two years and my menses which usually lasts seven full days was only three days this month.
I did not eat for most of the weekend and had body aches and felt fatigued.
When he called me on Sunday to tell me that he was back, I found myself falling back on my old habit of not really responding emotionally and I even sounded disappointed when he told me that he was back in CA (purely an accident).
I know that I am not happy right now, but, I do not know how to communicate with him that I am going through my own stuff and should probably just take a breather when we have already just finished a breather.
I suppose that my concern is that he's going to have some misguided sense of anger that I didn't call him when he was gone (he sometimes plays the insecurity card) and I don't want to deal with that.
I am having a struggle holding it together right now.
I care for him, but, I'm not ready for anything too intense.
What in the hell should I do?
Sunday, May 06, 2007
New York, New Jersey....What's Next?
I recently returned from a business trip to New Jersey that was followed by a weekend in NYC.
I loved it!
I went out with co-workers from the Irvine center and we met up with some of the employees from the Basking Ridge center.
We had a blast!
The highlights of going out in NYC:
Clubs shut down at 4 or 5 in the morning
Guys love to pay
Cabs----No need to drive!
Did I mention that guys love to pay?
Lots of restaurants open even AFTER the club shuts down
I can't wait to get back out there!
I loved it!
I went out with co-workers from the Irvine center and we met up with some of the employees from the Basking Ridge center.
We had a blast!
The highlights of going out in NYC:
Clubs shut down at 4 or 5 in the morning
Guys love to pay
Cabs----No need to drive!
Did I mention that guys love to pay?
Lots of restaurants open even AFTER the club shuts down
I can't wait to get back out there!
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