For the second week in a row I've managed to piss someone off that I actually give a damn about. Ick!
Bright's cousin was on his way into town and called me on Sunday night. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was about to get into the shower. This lead to a comment about was I ready to take a shower with him and I told him no. When he asked why, I told him that I had only showered with two men before and I could not jump into that with him.
I know...to many it would not make sense. It seems like an intimate act to me. While I've had sex with this guy on several occasions, I cannot cross this bridge lightly, especially with a house filled with my relatives while on my period.
Rather than just telling him that, I wound up using my typical defense mechanism of offering an offhanded reason that is only part of the truth that winds up sounding a little f*cked up.
He wound up telling me that he didn't need to know all of that because it has nothing to do with him and while he was trying to get together with me, I went all sentimental on him and told him that I wasn't interested in seeing him (which I told him was not true, but, he was pissed by this time). His phone wound up cutting out and I left him a message to call me back and took my shower.
During the shower, it occurred to me that I might have actually hurt his feelings and that at best, it was disrespectful on my part to go there with him. I decided that I'd call him and apologize. After several attempts, I got in touch with him and his first response was "I'm going to let you get some rest." I told him that it occurred to me that what I'd said was really disrespectful and I apologized for my comment. I told him that he was right and that I would not want for him to say the things that I had said. He said ok and told me that he'd call me later.
Later came and went...
During the night I reassured myself that later to men is not necessarily within a couple of hours. He did not call me the next day. I sent a text message to find out if he was angry with me and if so, would he allow for me to make it up to him. I got no response back. Finally I called him and asked if he was angry with me and he said he's too busy with real concerns to be angry (that statement is a little telling, don't you think) and asked where was I. When I mentioned that I was at work, he told me to call him when I got home.
I called him when I got home as I was making my bed (I'd washed my bedding) and he asked what I was doing and told me that he was busy trying to make some money so he'd call me back in a minute.
Several hours later when I got ready to go to sleep I sent him a text message that stated that he should be safe and have a great week and I'd talk to him later. I got no response back.
I am going crazy!
I am feeling almost frantic because I want to see him and I want to be assured that he isn't going to just say "f*ck it" with regard to seeing me, but, at the same time, I don't want to go all stalkerish on him either.
I did what I felt was right, given the situation. I apologized. I also stated that sense the error was on my part, I'd like to rectify the situation. I cannot force him to accept my apology. Nor can I force him to see or to talk with me. *sigh*
I must fall back on the lessons that I've had to learn over the last two years or so.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The Trouble with Friends...
My bestfriend is pissed at me for talking on the phone with a man from her past. She reunited with him recently after they lost touch for a few years. I think that he could be considered her "first love," and I can understand her being pissed.
I think that if I were to find that someone close to me were talking on the phone with someone that I was interested in whether it was now or in the past, I'd be furious too. The thing that bothers me about the situation is that I feel as if I dropped the ball and so does she.
I don't know if he took the phone from her or if it was handed to him, but, I said no. I did not want to talk with him, I had been speaking with her. I expected that he would give her the phone at any minute, but, it didn't happen.
I assumed that she was in the same room with him, so as the conversation lengthened, I assumed that we had her blessing. The conversation had gone on for quite some time before he mentioned that she had fallen asleep.
I was tired myself and had drifted off a few times, so, I should have said at that time that I was going to have to let him go. I did not do that and that's where the problem begins. I remember thinking that I'd need to get off the phone, but, I honestly couldn't get a word in edge-wise. That doesn't excuse it, but, that's what happened.
I should have reacted differently and I didn't. I really cannot say why other than that I was tired and he was talking so fast and I thought that I would chime in once the conversation lapsed.
I should not have been put on the phone with him, that's true enough. She knows that I dislike that immensely, but, at the same time, I should have requested that the conversation end a lot sooner than it did.
The only thing that I could come up with was that I was tired. A good portion of the conversation was spent listening to him go on about various topics that were of interest like financing his business and managing his business. There was discussion of education and financing that, raising his child and supporting his sister. These were all things that she had shared with me, but, now the details of how he managed to do it came to light.
I am in a situation where I am unhappy with what I've got and I am honestly interested in trying to find solutions to changing my circumstances. It is of interest to me to figure out how to finance starting a business, completing my education, trying to do a better job at raising my son. These are things that I am hungry for practical advice about.
I talked with him about topics such as these because they are important and it sounded like he might be able to offer some insight that I had never taken into consideration.
If I had it to do again, I would have refused to engage in the conversation. I did not end it on the note feeling that I wanted to meet him or anything like that.
I am shocked and afraid that my longtime friend believes that I do though. I can understand her being furious, but, she should also realize that I would never have the slightest interest in someone that she was with or had been with.
I think that if I were to find that someone close to me were talking on the phone with someone that I was interested in whether it was now or in the past, I'd be furious too. The thing that bothers me about the situation is that I feel as if I dropped the ball and so does she.
I don't know if he took the phone from her or if it was handed to him, but, I said no. I did not want to talk with him, I had been speaking with her. I expected that he would give her the phone at any minute, but, it didn't happen.
I assumed that she was in the same room with him, so as the conversation lengthened, I assumed that we had her blessing. The conversation had gone on for quite some time before he mentioned that she had fallen asleep.
I was tired myself and had drifted off a few times, so, I should have said at that time that I was going to have to let him go. I did not do that and that's where the problem begins. I remember thinking that I'd need to get off the phone, but, I honestly couldn't get a word in edge-wise. That doesn't excuse it, but, that's what happened.
I should have reacted differently and I didn't. I really cannot say why other than that I was tired and he was talking so fast and I thought that I would chime in once the conversation lapsed.
I should not have been put on the phone with him, that's true enough. She knows that I dislike that immensely, but, at the same time, I should have requested that the conversation end a lot sooner than it did.
The only thing that I could come up with was that I was tired. A good portion of the conversation was spent listening to him go on about various topics that were of interest like financing his business and managing his business. There was discussion of education and financing that, raising his child and supporting his sister. These were all things that she had shared with me, but, now the details of how he managed to do it came to light.
I am in a situation where I am unhappy with what I've got and I am honestly interested in trying to find solutions to changing my circumstances. It is of interest to me to figure out how to finance starting a business, completing my education, trying to do a better job at raising my son. These are things that I am hungry for practical advice about.
I talked with him about topics such as these because they are important and it sounded like he might be able to offer some insight that I had never taken into consideration.
If I had it to do again, I would have refused to engage in the conversation. I did not end it on the note feeling that I wanted to meet him or anything like that.
I am shocked and afraid that my longtime friend believes that I do though. I can understand her being furious, but, she should also realize that I would never have the slightest interest in someone that she was with or had been with.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Time to get back to work
Over the last week, I have spent several evenings with the object of my obsession. He even spent the night here.
We had a serious conversation regarding what it is that we are seeking from one another a couple of weeks ago. He is unwilling to commit to anyone right now *sound familiar?* and wanted to know what I want from him.
I told him that I'm still vague on what I want from him.
I asked him in turn what it is that he wants from me. He told me that he enjoys our conversations as well as the other things that we do. He also told me that he does not want to hurt me and if it means that in order to be happy, that I do not want to spend time with him or ever see him again, he understands, but, it is my choice. *again, sound familiar?*
He followed up that he is selfish and that if he had his way, I would be his.
****I feel the same way. I would love to have the commitment of several people at once so that I would always have a standby, but, that is not realistic nor is it practical. Most importantly, it is not ethical or moral.
The gist of it all is that he is unwilling to commit to me and that he will continue to live his life as he has been doing. He will see the various people that he has seen and he will make the decision to settle down when he chooses.
I suppose that I should be greatful for his honesty. After all, even Ron who was nearly twice his age did not manage to do that. It has been very disappointing, but, I am not surprised. He is twenty-two years old, attractive and packing heat below the belt. What else should one expect?
We wound up getting together last Monday and spending most of the night together. He told me that a relative had been shot and that his grandmother was in the hospital and how difficult it has been for him to keep things together. We talked about relationships and how we managed to get to this stage in our lives.
The rest of the week was a blur. He'd told me that he will not be faithful and I'd told him that I was happy with what he is currently giving me but that I am uncertain what I want from him in general. Essentially I've given him the go ahead to drink from my cup and not worry about paying for refills.
We spent several days and evenings together. I had him fix my door and some stuff on my car in order for him to get the money that he needed to replace his car's starter.
As I read over this stuff, all that I can think is how out of control my life is and how I really need to do a thorough cleaning both literally and figuratively.
The only way that I will be able to do this and to maintain it is to go back. I have fought it for a long time, but, what have I got to lose?
I had the relationship with S standing in the way before, but, I don't have that now. Ron's out of the picture, this guy is going back home which will conclude this newfound "closeness" and there really is no one else who could act as the distraction that these people were to me.
I'm so tired of working hard for other people. It is time to do it for myself. The worst that could happen is that I fail, but, I'm already doing that anyway so there really would be no difference.
We had a serious conversation regarding what it is that we are seeking from one another a couple of weeks ago. He is unwilling to commit to anyone right now *sound familiar?* and wanted to know what I want from him.
I told him that I'm still vague on what I want from him.
I asked him in turn what it is that he wants from me. He told me that he enjoys our conversations as well as the other things that we do. He also told me that he does not want to hurt me and if it means that in order to be happy, that I do not want to spend time with him or ever see him again, he understands, but, it is my choice. *again, sound familiar?*
He followed up that he is selfish and that if he had his way, I would be his.
****I feel the same way. I would love to have the commitment of several people at once so that I would always have a standby, but, that is not realistic nor is it practical. Most importantly, it is not ethical or moral.
The gist of it all is that he is unwilling to commit to me and that he will continue to live his life as he has been doing. He will see the various people that he has seen and he will make the decision to settle down when he chooses.
I suppose that I should be greatful for his honesty. After all, even Ron who was nearly twice his age did not manage to do that. It has been very disappointing, but, I am not surprised. He is twenty-two years old, attractive and packing heat below the belt. What else should one expect?
We wound up getting together last Monday and spending most of the night together. He told me that a relative had been shot and that his grandmother was in the hospital and how difficult it has been for him to keep things together. We talked about relationships and how we managed to get to this stage in our lives.
The rest of the week was a blur. He'd told me that he will not be faithful and I'd told him that I was happy with what he is currently giving me but that I am uncertain what I want from him in general. Essentially I've given him the go ahead to drink from my cup and not worry about paying for refills.
We spent several days and evenings together. I had him fix my door and some stuff on my car in order for him to get the money that he needed to replace his car's starter.
As I read over this stuff, all that I can think is how out of control my life is and how I really need to do a thorough cleaning both literally and figuratively.
The only way that I will be able to do this and to maintain it is to go back. I have fought it for a long time, but, what have I got to lose?
I had the relationship with S standing in the way before, but, I don't have that now. Ron's out of the picture, this guy is going back home which will conclude this newfound "closeness" and there really is no one else who could act as the distraction that these people were to me.
I'm so tired of working hard for other people. It is time to do it for myself. The worst that could happen is that I fail, but, I'm already doing that anyway so there really would be no difference.
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