He makes my stomach ache....

For the second week in a row I've managed to piss someone off that I actually give a damn about. Ick!

Bright's cousin was on his way into town and called me on Sunday night. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was about to get into the shower. This lead to a comment about was I ready to take a shower with him and I told him no. When he asked why, I told him that I had only showered with two men before and I could not jump into that with him.

I know...to many it would not make sense. It seems like an intimate act to me. While I've had sex with this guy on several occasions, I cannot cross this bridge lightly, especially with a house filled with my relatives while on my period.

Rather than just telling him that, I wound up using my typical defense mechanism of offering an offhanded reason that is only part of the truth that winds up sounding a little f*cked up.

He wound up telling me that he didn't need to know all of that because it has nothing to do with him and while he was trying to get together with me, I went all sentimental on him and told him that I wasn't interested in seeing him (which I told him was not true, but, he was pissed by this time). His phone wound up cutting out and I left him a message to call me back and took my shower.

During the shower, it occurred to me that I might have actually hurt his feelings and that at best, it was disrespectful on my part to go there with him. I decided that I'd call him and apologize. After several attempts, I got in touch with him and his first response was "I'm going to let you get some rest." I told him that it occurred to me that what I'd said was really disrespectful and I apologized for my comment. I told him that he was right and that I would not want for him to say the things that I had said. He said ok and told me that he'd call me later.

Later came and went...
During the night I reassured myself that later to men is not necessarily within a couple of hours. He did not call me the next day. I sent a text message to find out if he was angry with me and if so, would he allow for me to make it up to him. I got no response back. Finally I called him and asked if he was angry with me and he said he's too busy with real concerns to be angry (that statement is a little telling, don't you think) and asked where was I. When I mentioned that I was at work, he told me to call him when I got home.

I called him when I got home as I was making my bed (I'd washed my bedding) and he asked what I was doing and told me that he was busy trying to make some money so he'd call me back in a minute.

Several hours later when I got ready to go to sleep I sent him a text message that stated that he should be safe and have a great week and I'd talk to him later. I got no response back.

I am going crazy!

I am feeling almost frantic because I want to see him and I want to be assured that he isn't going to just say "f*ck it" with regard to seeing me, but, at the same time, I don't want to go all stalkerish on him either.

I did what I felt was right, given the situation. I apologized. I also stated that sense the error was on my part, I'd like to rectify the situation. I cannot force him to accept my apology. Nor can I force him to see or to talk with me. *sigh*

I must fall back on the lessons that I've had to learn over the last two years or so.