Pennies for my thoughts...

I am lonely. I am lonely, but, I cannot continue to do things as I have been doing them. I cannot continue to deal with Damien nor get involved with Ron again. These sort of interactions are negative at best.

Damien does not value me. That is apparent in the way that he does not call me on a regular basis, he only returns my messages about half of the time and he has on more than one occasion asked me for something while offering nothing in return. He is dealing with me because it is convenient and requires almost no effort on his part.

Ron contacts me every now and again in an effort to feel me out. I have a history, you see, of writing him off and accepting him back with open arms and legs (of which he is fully aware). This fact incenses me because it is unethical to deal with someone who has expectations that one does not intend to meet, but, I recognize this to be the truth. Whether it is ethical or not is not to be debated.

He hopes that we will sleep together again and that things will go back to what was "normal" for us. He will see me and screw me when he wants to and I will blindly accept it and this time understand that this is the way that things will be.

I am so tired and disillusioned with life in general, much less men. I have managed, to develop a pattern of trying to accomodate and "help" the people that I have shared my body with. This is both stupid and only results in my being hurt and angry. I have a tendency to attract opportunists and liars.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I have decided that it is time for me to jump ship. I am disgusted with the state of my "love life" and I am ready to bring things to a halt.

I asked a friend what I should do to get rid of the people in my life when they surface and he said to tell them "it's been good, but, it's over" and leave it at that. He also stated that if I really want a relationship, I must be willing to sacrifice for it. What did he mean? Well....if I am serious about wanting something of substance, I've got to be willing to stop having sex early in the game and focus on getting to know the person. If he is worthwhile, he will be willing to wait.

I am tired of feeling used and unappreciated. I feel that it is worth trying another method, because the being honest about my feelings while doing what my body wishes routine is not working.

Frank told me that he always deletes his text messages. I think that that is a good idea. I don't need to hold onto the evidence that at one moment in time, this person communicated with me. I will begin by deleting my text messages. *sigh*

I really am disappointed in myself and with the way that things have worked. I feel as if I should have seen this from the start. I suppose that the only consolation that I have is that better to learn something from this experience than to continue to believe-----anything that any of these bastards have to say.