The calls

I received a message from Ron yesterday.

He advised that he would be in town today working on his house. He also went on to say that he was giving me 24 hours notice (a reference to a previous convo. when I told him that I needed advanced notice to see anyone) and that he'd call today.

Mind you, I have not agreed to see him at any time. I have also not said that I would not see him.


It makes me angry that this is the same guy that led me on for so long and who also would not give me a desperately needed massage for my birthday.

It is apparent from his behavior that he is still seeking to use me. Each time that we have talked he's discussed massages and seeing me as if any good can come from it all.

I am still very angry with him and for this reason, I have continued to put off seeing him again.

In a way, I feel as if I have won in some sort of unspoken battle of wills.

After all, it has been over a year since I stopped seeing him.

Unfortunately, that year has not completely erased the memory of the pain that I felt when I found that he had been sleeping with another woman and that the only "us" that existed was in my head.

I am curious about why he wants to try and see me again. Is this his way of coming to terms with the decision that I made. Will he feel at peace once he realizes that he has conquered my decision to spend time with him again? Will he feel as if he's accomplished something? Or, will he instead seek to destroy my resolve to never be intimate with him or to trust him again?

Chair also left me a message last night. I did not feel strong enough to talk with him without bickering and seeming bitter.

He apologized for not calling me and said that he wanted to give me space since the passing of my grandfather.

That makes absolutely no sense to me. I think of how much I've needed to talk about anything other than death and loss and I'm grateful that I've had good friends that have helped me through this tough time.

He went on to say that his decision to give me space was no excuse considering the fact that I went out to visit him. He then stated that he misses me.

It is all too late.

A sequence of events have been set in motion and I am determined to never again let him touch the intangible parts of me.