Finished another class...

I completed Soc 200 tonight. I enjoyed the class.

Damn, damn, damn!

So many things took place since last Sunday. Last Sunday I took Ron's call. I felt somewhat better because I told him some of the things that were on my mind, knowing that it would change nothing. I felt relieved to not have to carry those thoughts.

Monday I got a call from D_____. He told me that he was in town (he lives out in Oakland) and wanted to know if I was available to get together. I agreed to do so and we wound up meeting for a late supper. I wasn't hungry as I'd already eaten, but I wanted to spend a little time getting to know him.

We wound up going to a restaurant and from there, he drove us to a liquor store where he got Starburst (some of my favorite candy) . What I didn't know was that he'd also picked up condoms. After making out for several hours....I wound up succumbing to my exhaustion and I had sex with him.

I could have been tired, but, he was incredible! He lasted for hours and I was satisfied multiple times before I finally told him that I could take no more.

We parted ways at nearly five in the morning and I got two hours of sleep before I went to work and then school.

We played phone tag that evening and agreed to get together on Thursday night. It turned out even more intense than Friday as he had his way with me for over four hours (not including foreplay).

I got an hour of sleep prior to going to work on Friday morning.

I told him that if he wanted to spend time at my home he'd have to first meet the occupants of the house. He asked if he could come by on Friday afternoon, so, I said sure. He wound up meeting my family. It went ok. Mind you, he's the first person to meet my family outside of my ex of four years.

Saturday some guy Jason came in from Az. He used to live in Sf until about a month or two ago. He was coming out for the holiday weekend and to work the doors at a club where his friend Dj's. He invited me to come up and he'd get me in for free.

Paula didn't want to drive out there because she had to work on Sunday and she doesn't really get much play when we go there, so I wasn't going to go. Jason offered that I could ride with him out to the city and that he'd let me stay with him if I was comfortable with that. I agreed and went with him.

The club was cool. I danced with his cousin for the first few hours while he worked. I ran into Ron a couple of times there and finally when he offered to buy me a drink I went off with him and talked with him for a few minutes. He told me some BS about how I looked beautiful and was I ok because I looked tired. I went off. I told him that I didn't understand why he kept asking me how I was doing and that the thing that bothered me about it all was that he'd lied about wanting to be married by the end of the year and then he winds up screwing someone else. If that weren't enough, he never even bothered to apologize for hurting my feelings.

He apologized and I told him that I didn't believe him. He insisted that he was being truthful and that he hadn't been sleeping with anyone else other than the "roommate" incident, as he put it. I thanked him for his apology and told him that I had to go.

I left with Jason and his cousin and went back to his place. I fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the sheets. I woke up to him caressing my ass. I pretended to be asleep for about an hour of that and him fingering me. He finally began to go down on me and I couldn't pretend to be asleep anymore.

I wound up sleeping with him even though I didn't want to. He even apologized for pushing the issue after it was over.

We showered and got dressed and he drove me back home. He said he'd call and of course, he didn't. I feel as if he was a wasted fuck. It wasn't good and I didn't want to, but, I felt afraid of what would happen were I to resist. I was alone, in a strange city in a house with two men that I had met less than 24 hours before.

When I tried calling D, his voicemail message indicated that his phone had been lost and to call another number. I called the other number, got some other guy, left a message for him to call me when he could and I haven't heard from him. That was yesterday evening.

I feel tired and disillusioned by the week that I've had.

I am only documenting this stuff so that I can reflect on it all once the shock has worn off. It was a mistake to get involved with D so soon, definitely a mistake to trust and sleep with Jason.
The only good thing was that I saw Ron in person and told him how I felt, leaving little doubt that I was serious about being done with him and his lies.

It doesn't get better...but the burning is decreasing

I got through Algebra 2 with a B-! I never thought that I'd live to see the day when I would celebrate anything less than an A, but that day arrived about a couple of weeks ago....

I'm tired all of the time and I feel stressed. I gave a guy the greenlight to resolve my sexual frustrations and he began doing things that indicated to me that he wasn't serious about moving forward (not following through when we were supposed to go out). Thankfully, I hadn't slept with him, but, it was a real downer. *Yawn*

It's tough to be in this situation right now. I have considered twice this week calling Ron, but, there is nothing to say. Although I would like nothing more than to see him and to spend time with him, it cannot be anything more than that. He is sleeping with another or other people in general. That is not acceptable to me.


Sometimes I feel so tired and lonely. I do not need a relationship right now...just some stress relief. Some time to decompress....time to get to bed

Over and Done With

I found out a week ago today that the man that I felt I loved has been living with a woman that he is having sex with. He would not have told me had I not asked him and thankfully, I found the courage to do just that. What a terrible waste of my time and energy. I don't know how long it's been going on, but, at this point in time, I feel terribly empty. I am saddened to know that someone I cared for had no regard for me, but, we cannot change what others think and do.

This passed week, I have focused on my schooling and work to help me through this.

I found out not this last Tuesday, but the one before that my ex is not only involved with someone but fancies himself in love. It was a bit sad for me because he brought our child around this woman without ever mentioning it to me. Other than that, I am happy to know that that chapter is over for me. He will not continue to pester me, because hopefully, he will be happy with this person.

I am so tired all of the time. I really enjoy the work that I do, but, I want to work for another company. I feel as if the things that they do in order to boost employee morale are not enough. There is a distinction made between salaried and hourly employees and that distinction is a huge negative.

I am tired and would like nothing more than to finally be able to relax in someone's arms and go to sleep. I think, however, that the moral to this story for me is that I should have done what I knew to be right years and years ago.

I will not be married as I wanted...because of the choices that I've made. How very depressing.

My sadness is like the ocean....

Today I am sad and feel despondent because I was on the brink of falling in love with him and things worked out as they did. I have to cut the ties with him and it makes me sad to acknowledge that as well.

I feel as if I'm failing on so many fronts. I worked hard at this Math class and still only got a D. I have never received a D as a final grade in a class. I feel that I have torn myself into a million directions and there is nothing left. I want to cry until I can cry no more.

I am so tired of fighting the feelings of sadness...I think that they will win the battle this time. I will be 25 this Saturday and my life is nothing like I wanted it.

I just want to escape everything. I want to be alone with my despair. I want to change for the better but I'm not sure what specific things I am capable of doing. I want to get out of this cycle of stress and sadness.

I wish that it were apparent to me what to do....yet I do know. I guess I must pray for courage....courage and the true desire to change....

Lonely

I went to visit the guy out in Milpitas yesterday. He was nice. He got me a gift bag with candles, potpuri, a stuffed animal and champagne. It was thoughtful.

We went out to dinner. He took me to a lake and we talked (actually I tried to doze off while he talked. Later, we went back to the hotel and slept in the same bed and never touched. I felt no chemistry with him. He's a nice guy, but, I think that this taught me that perhaps either 1) I'm not attracted to him or 2) I'm not ready for dating or 3) he's just not the one. I felt more lonely after the experience than I imagined I would.

I miss my bestfriend. I could have discussed this with her and tried to make sense of it all, but, instead, I am writing into cyberspace and can't be certain that I'll receive any feedback. I am tired and feel depressed. I just wish that I could engage in some healthy interaction with someone else.

I am uncertain what I should do. I don't know if I should continue trying to find a person to become romantically involved with or if I should work on getting my friendship back. I don't know. I only know that everything hurts right now and I feel really despondent.

I think that I should tell this guy that I'm not attracted to him. I just don't like confrontation. I think he would handle it fine...perhaps I'm being selfish and not wanting to get rid of that option....

The Waiting Game....

I feel sad tonight. I slept with him this weekend, he volunteered that he’d call me on Wednesday and he never called. It’s Friday night and I wanted to call, but, what is there to say? It is clear what has happened the entire time that I’ve known him. I have put my life on hold (not at his request) in the HOPES that he’d come around. It hasn’t happened and it will not happen.

I am so sad and discontented. There was time when I felt free. I did not care what any guy thought. I wanted nothing more than physical gratification and felt that that would be enough.

I don’t know when I stopped evaluating whether or not he made me happy. I think that I came to need him to be happy. I think of him at times just about my every waking moment. It is not healthy.

I have put everything on hold and it has been for nothing. I believe that he will never come. I believe that I will never find someone else like him. GOOD. He is no good for me. I want to feel the same level of passion again for someone, but, I do not want to feel this way again. This has been an experience that I regret. I am too emotional to reflect upon what I can take away from this experience other than the importance of not dating anyone who tells you that they want to focus on their music or that there will be plenty of guys…..

I have waited for a long time for him to change when it really needs to be ME who changes. He doesn’t have to change. It really will not make a difference. I have to stop having relationships with people that hurt more than they feel good.

Tomorrow I’ve agreed to meet someone. We’ve had great conversations that are comfortable, but, I’m afraid of meeting people from the net. I don’t want another Andy experience. I’m also afraid of actually liking someone and being vulnerable. I want to just cancel, but I’ll keep my word. If nothing else, he will be one more great “friend” who is ultimately useless to me. *Sigh*

Women and Friendship

I'll be 25 in a little over a week (March 25th). I have no plans, which is partly my own fault for not making any. I am in a dispute with my closest friend as well. It is all very much an issue that only women would have because of the communication style that women typically have when it comes to disputes.

We oftentimes make a few key mistakes when it comes to getting pissed off about any particular thing. The first mistake is assuming that the other person knows why we're angry. While it may be true that some of the people that we deal with on a day to day basis do know what does and does not make us upset, there is no guarantee that they will know what made us upset when we are angry.

The second mistake that we typically make is assuming that the other person is purposefully witholding an apology because they are locked in a power play or a battle of wills with us to determine who can hold out the longest. Again,while this may be true in some instances, for the most part, the other party is unaware of your anger status or at least the reason behind it. Also, many people in general just don't have the time nor inclination to deal with confrontations over what are typically petty issues.

With the challenges that day-to-day life presents constantly looming in front of us, who really wants to fight?

As an individual, is it really worthwhile to engage in battle with someone you care about?

I've recently been faced with this dilemma. While I care a great deal about the person that I've been having issues with, I do not have a desire to fight. For this reason, avoidance is a much easier and desirable tactic.

The stresses of work, school and single parenting far outweigh arguing or debating who is right and who is wrong. We are both angry and feel a certain degree of resentment. We both feel justified in feeling that way. Whether we are both right (which is highly doubtful) is really of little importance. I wonder to myself how long it will go on and what the long term effect might be on my personal happiness.

The short answer is: some. She's been a huge part of my life for a very long time. I, however, have been branching out for a while, in spurts. I will definitely not be forever a hermit, but it is never the same when you are not with someone that you are really close to.

Back to my birthday. A part of me wonders if I shouldn't try and extend the olive branch prior to the "big day". I debate if it will be construed as an effort to assure that I have a companion to party hard with or not.

There still exists on her end, resntment about my not spending more time with her last year on her 25th birthday (we went out dancing and I danced the whole night with guys) and this also makes me fear that there might exist a desire to "get back" at me. *Sigh*

If only I were a guy right now....

The older guy that I've slept with off and on with since last August was out here for the last time this week. He finally got his RE property rented out.

So now I'm out of a best friend and a sex partner....what a way to go into 25!

On a serious note, I wonder how I can rectify this situation without compromising myself. I don't want anyone to feel that they are entitled to my time and efforts. That is the way I was beginning to feel with my friend...that she didn't appreciate either and was not satisfied with what I was willing to give.

Friendship is not an obligation, but rather, a choice. I guess that at this stage in my life, with all of the craziness that is taking place, I do not want to budge on that.

I do not know what I will do right now....

I fell again....why bother to get back up?

I cannot believe in intangibles. People or promises alike.

I had a final weekend with the person that I've been intimate with for the last six months. It was not good. The sex was fine, but the things that I was forced to realize about him were not good.

In spite of my ideas on older men/younger women couples, I'd convinced myself that there was really a chance of something developing beyond sex between us. Not only did I find that that wasn't remotely possible, but that he deals with a large number of beautiful young women. *sigh*

I feel so stupid to have even put myself through all of this again. My decision to not see him or speak with him anymore really isn't going to make a difference to him and it will make me suffer for a time, but, it's the only thing that I can do.

School hasn't gone well either because I've had my priorities so out of wack over dating and the like. I've dropped my class for this month and will return in February. I feel so lost and fucked up right now.

Why is it that I feel that I'm not worthy of love or something positive? How can I change that?

A funeral and four men who are dead to me!

I'd like to preface this blog with a little background. I attended my first funeral yesterday. We were laying to rest a cousin of mine. He was a veteran and the service was brief, but very emotional.

After the service, we had a mini family reunion. Everyone laughed and told stories about old times and relatives who weren't around any longer. I left feeling so much better about life and so positive only to lead to a couple of conversations later that night....


I've had four disappointments in regard with men over the last 36 hours.

I've known Chris from the net for five years. We've never met in person, but he claimed that he was in love with me at one time. I decided against being with him for several reason, one being that he lived in Virginia and I'm in California. In addition to that, he was a full time college student and I was a full time employee in a new relationship. Anyway...he broke up with his girlfriend earlier this year and although we hadn't talked in over a year, since our last spat over something or other, Chris contacted me earlier this month. He wanted to come out here and have sex with me and when I told him that I wasn't interested in being sexual with him and that that's not cool, he decided to move to Texas to live with some other chick. So essentially, I'm good enough to screw, but not to get to know and try and build a relationship with, huh? Interesting...

Robert lamented about how he can't find a nice woman. He went on to tell me about how I always know the right things to say to make him feel better and always offer practical advice and all of this stuff. He then told me that he PRAYS that I will find someone. He PRAYS that I will find someone! WHAT????He excused himself from the running by saying that he lives too far away. Ok....

On to bachelor number three....Mike. This guy was someone that I had a great phone convo with one night for hours and we really seemed to hit it off. He disappeared without an explanation and I just let it pass. He saw me online the other night and we engaged in a long exchange in which he declared that he could fall in love with me easily and that he wanted me to come out to LA and visit him. He told me that he'd pull out all of the stops and all of this crap. I finally agreed to come and meet him. The next two days or so we only talked via offline messages. Today I ran into him online and began talking. As I searched for airline deals (unbeknownst to him) we had a little idle chat and eventually mentioned that he has a date tonight and that he didn't know why he was going or why she'd agreed. Perhaps they'd both be bored...or maybe they'd just use each other for sex. Well, I never....

Finally there's Ron. I began seeing him during the summer and things were great until he began to be less attentive. I couldn't seem to get him to return phone calls or anything. He finally admitted that he was dating other women, actually, I kind of managed to get him to divulge that by pretending that I already knew. I stopped seeing him for a time, but resumed when my horny side prevailed in a battle with my better sense. Things are fucked up again. I told him that I'm not happy and he said that only I can make me happy and that it's not good if I feel like I'm having to chase him. He'll call me later, though. Right.....

Ultimately, I know that these people all need to be deleted from the list of people that I know. I just can't help feeling as if I have got onto a hamster's wheel and am repeatedly becoming involved in the same vicious cycle over and over again. It really kills me to know that I am so depressed over this shit, but, how could I not be?

Ron is right. I need to do what is going to make me happy. Right now, not thinking about any of them will be at least a first step. *sigh* Will I ever meet the man that Robert's been praying about? LOL

*Crying never helps but it's all I seem to do these days*

He's stopped taking my calls. Just like that. How very simple it is to be cut off from the object of your affection. I suppose that it has all come full circle then. I feel shattered and hurt and do not know how I'm going to face the impending days. I feel lost and bereft and want to crawl into bed and cry myself to oblivion.....why couldn't he love me? Why? I feel like shit.

I don't know how I can feel better. I just don't want to try anymore. Dating doesn't work for me. I cannot seem to find anyone who I feel the same about....I just wish that someone would believe that I was good enough for them and that I was into them....but it seems to be too much....

That is the trouble...I've always offered too much and have never had quite enough....

As things change, everything remains the same

Thanksgiving was wonderful. For the first time in years, my family got together without any drama. I truly had a good time.

The fuckbuddy has resumed lying to me. I don't know who I'm more disappointed in: him or me. I know that the right thing to do is to cut him off completely. It will be too great of a cost to repair my dignity after all that I've put myself through for him, but, it still really pisses me off. I wish that I could be really vindictive and bring him down a notch or two, but the greatest revenge is to not give a damn at all. That's what I'm working on.

On a brighter note, I've finished my first non fluff book in a very long time. I'm pleased with that accomplishment. I've also decided that I'm going to date without getting into anything too serious for the next few months. I simply need to network and make some friends. Perhaps I'll take a lover, I'm not sure yet. I typically can go for a few months before it becomes a pressing issue....wish me luck! :)

I'd love to give more time and attention to my personal writing, but, my schedule is so tight these days.

I long for personal time....

Just another Manic Monday....why isn't it Friday?

I got my Sex and the City dvds and I'm happier than a pig in----well, you know what I mean! I'm so excited! I'd planned to watch a marathon this passed Saturday, but they didn't come in the mail until today so....I'm stuck watching them through the week because I'm scheduled for a computer course on Saturday and have to work on Sunday :(. Poor me!

I could lose my great new job if I don't learn Microsoft Excel by December 9th, so I'm very very very very nervous about that....*sigh*. I purchased Professor teaches Microsoft Office, Windows, Web & Graphics Super Set on Saturday...hopefully it will help! I don't know what to do.

In addition to that, I've slipped back into some bad habits. I've slept with the guy who broke my heart three times in the last couple weeks....it's terrible. On a brighter note, I met a really interesting guy at the grocery store today...so perhaps I'll be distracted enough to finally leave the guy from out of town alone for good.

Another guy asked me to a concert for later this month, so, hopefully we will actually go. I'm really excited because I really like the artist.

I'm so tired right now....I hardly slept last night because I kept getting woken up. I'm hoping that the week will get better.

"I love you"

I was watching television tonight and on the show the leading man told the woman that he'd been jerking around for the last two or three years that he loved her. She resisted at first but finally submitted to his kiss and wound up sleeping with him and embarking on the start of an affair.

Although this was purely a work of fiction, it made me think of question: Does "I love you" change anything? Does it change everything and cover over a multitude of sins?

How is it that three little words can make or break a relationship? Isn't it horrifying to think that so much weight can be carried in a mere three words?

I reflect upon my relationship upsets and wonder if I'd been told that I was loved, if I would be content...even though I wouldn't necessarily be happy. I wonder....

Off to New York!

I have a cyber buddy that I've talked to for a year. Tonight he told me that he feels that our conversations are pointless. He went on to explain how discouraging it is to find someone that you feel you really connect with on a mental level who is hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. I could understand his feeling that way. Anyone who's been on the internet for any length of time has probably had at least one person that they've really clicked with who lived far away.

My spontaneity took over and I told him that I'd like to meet him in New York City, (he lives in Syracuse) and we could shop and see RENT http://www.siteforrent.com/.

Lol. *sigh* As dramatic as it sounds...it's not too insane. I've wanted to see the play since I first heard about it in '96. Also, as an avid Sex and the City fan, (who as of yesterday owns every episode created) I've always wanted to visit New York City. I think it would be really exciting and I'm comfortable with meeting him.

I am not interested in trying to make a love connection. I don't feel that way toward him and I'm not one for long distance relationships either...so that wouldn't be a risk. I think it would just be a way of facing yet another fear of mine: meeting someone who is far away that I have talked to for forever. Putting a face to the name and nuances with the words.

A part of me wonders how much of this is spurred on by a desire to run away from my grief over the guy from the summer who, coincidentally, I did see again....just this Saturday! I feel that I need some distance between us and physical distance wouldn't be bad. He is similar to a five pound chocolate bar. It tastes soooooo good but you know that indulging in it will result in a tummy ache!

Continuing to indulge him is getting me nowhere near my personal goals. My challenge this month will be to really break free of this charade and move on with my progression toward----

In the shadows...

I am an avid fan of personality analysis. For years I've studied about MBTI and the like and have adopted it as a sound explanation for most of humanity's behaviors. Today, I decided to do a little hunting for INFP groups as I'm an INFP and I read about the INFP shadow.

In all of the years that I've studied, I hadn't read about our inferior traits. It seems that the other side of the coin consist of our weak areas. These traits are typically shown when we are under stress or other unusual circumstances. It says that mine is a negative form of the ESTJ. How interesting is that!

I'm going to take a nap and then resume studying about the shadows of the personality types....


http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/mb-types/infp.htm

Crawling in the dark....

For every step that one takes forward, when they slip, they tend to take at least three backwards. At least, that's been my experience to date. The previous week had been terribly busy and my stress levels were elevated. I tried my little excercises in being positive and found that I was falling short. I made the decision to see the guy that I stopped seeing after the revelation that he was seeing other women.

I decided that I would use the experience and the excercise as a way of closing that chapter. I figured that since I am fully aware of where we stand, I couldn't hope to get anything more out of it.

It was what it was. It certainly helped to calm some of the restlessness that I've been experiencing of late. He gave me a massage that seemed to release a lot of pain in my system, but, once it cleared, I felt a lot better.

We are not going to begin seeing each other regularly again. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that I won't see him again, (it's a very long story, but trust me on this one). I feel ok. Our interaction was nothing like it'd been before, so I can't mourn something that is no longer. I don't feel terrible for my decision, I'm just awfully tired. I was up really late and slept during the day and I've got a chest cold.

I had a lot of time to reflect on the drive home. I'm tired of dating and dodging men. Literally! I think that it's time to open a new chapter of my life. In this chapter, I'm single and use my energies to focus on self realization and getting my spiritual balance back in place.

I feel as if I've spent the bulk of my adult life entangled with another person and it is a blessing to be free if the person you are with has negative energy.

It made more sense in my head! Lol. I'm just tired...and while I'm not feeling hopeless that I'll find a nice guy, I'm feeling resigned to the fact that there will not be any quality to my existence until I regain me.

Cool Blog that I read today...check him out!

With the changes in healthcare over the last few decades, the roles of Nurses has become increasingly more responsible and critical to patient care. HMO's have tacked a cost to each patient and doctors oftentimes don't have the time to give each patient adequate direct patient care. In comes the Nurse...

They are on the frontlines in our hospitals, clinics and even in some cases, our homes, providing education, comfort and medical attention. This young man is a recent graduate from Nursing school. Well done!



http://tmadamba.blogspot.com

Sitting on the porch in a swing...

Today started off on such a negative note. I had this long blog first thing this morning. I woke up to a love song that was so sentimental and expressed what I want to have with someone and it made me want to cry...first thing this morning...needing to be to work in an hour. It was terrible. That song, or at least it's message, adversely affected my mood for the rest of the day. I was in a funky mood. I felt down and negative but not upset...just restless and frustrated and really vulnerable. It doesn't help that he didn't call after I left him a message saying that I couldn't do him a favor. It merely emphasizes the fact that he only wants contact with me when he can gain something from the experience. Interacting with me is not enough for him. Whatever we had is so dead that even the ashes leave a bitter taste in my mouth....odd way to put it, eh?

I have this young guy that I had a one night stand with prior to meeting this guy that I'm grieving about, who keeps calling me and wanting to spend time. I am hurting too much to give any energy to trying to "get to know" him. I feel so empty and filled with pain at the same time. I cannot give anything positive right now...at least...that's what I tell myself.

The real issue is that I cannot take him seriously. He is very young and I don't feel passionately for him. I feel that I am chasing an elusive dream. I feel as if I will never feel this depth of emotion for a person again...if ever and it makes me feel hopeless.

I want to contact the guy, but, I'm beginning to annoy myself with the calls! I don't have anything to say so it feels really negative. It's almost business-like as he requests that I do things and I comply. It is so disatisfying...and yet, it is the only way that I can justifiably continue to have contact with him.

Some guy that had messaged me from dating site decided to stop talking to me because I posted a new pic on the site after talking to him....*sigh*

I think that the moral to this story is that I have a lot going on and perhaps the person that I'm looking for is out there...perhaps not, but dealing with these guys is not rewarding. I need to take a break----

Liars and cheaters

Not sure what to make of it all because prior to this year, I didn't put much stock into astrology. As I read my forecast, it mentioned how none of the relationships that I took part in between February '05 and January '06 would come to anything. *sigh* It makes those of us feel better who have been in a series of upsets when it comes to relationships, I think. I feel slightly discouraged. I was getting calls from a guy that I met in LA and he seemed to be a nice guy. It turns out that he wanted me to give in to his pressure to come up here so that we could get to know one another so that he could move here to be closer to me.

The thought of a stranger uprooting their life for me terrifies me. Well, when he saw that I wasn't giving in to the pressure, he mentioned that he's liked someone in New York for quite some time and that he's flying her out. If things work out, she will move in with him.

Now, to be honest, I wasn't really interested in this guy. I felt that he was really nice and that I'd be able to cultivate feelings if given time. It was just terribly discouraging to find that someone that I felt was above board was just as misleading as the last guy that I "dated". Lol

It's all pretty laughable if it weren't my reality, I might be in stitches. Oh well. I'm so tired of people and lies and dating and feeling lonely. It will get better. It has to, right?