The only silver lining...

On a more positive note, I'm really excited about this temp assignment that I'm working. I am acting as a Recruiter and I am getting to experience things professionally that I've longed for for many years now.

So I've been bailed on again....I won't learn :)

Yeah...I haven't heard from him since like the 6th or the 13th when he left a voicemail on my cell phone. He'd called at two in the morning so I didn't bother to answer. I finally broke down and returned his message a few days later, but I got the voicemail so I told him that I was returning his call and hoped that everything was going well.

It was apparent from my tone of voice that I was disappointed and/or angry.

I have, of course, heard nothing from him since then. *sigh*

Tonight I feel ok. It will, of course, change soon enough. I will be back feeling like shit and wondering why I can't be strong enough to completely shut myself off or to be even stronger and actually turn these people down at "Go".

I don't believe that I will ever find a guy that I can and will be happy with. Lesbianism isn't an option for me, thus, I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to focus on living in the moment and not notice them anymore.

Prior to becoming sexually active, I operated in a bubble of sorts. It was concious of the opposite sex, but I worked continually at not thinking about them as potential anything other than students.

I've got to get back to that way of thinking because things are not going to work out for me when it comes to men.

None of them have panned out and I don't feel that there is anything that I can do in order to find someone who would actually be good for me that I would be interested in.

I'm tired...I'm going to cruise E-bay. :)

Sad and Lonely

It has been difficult to not focus on how shitty I feel today. I wanted to call, but, I didn't. I feel so discouraged. I wish that I could just get rid of all of the fucked up emotions and move on entirely. Will I never stop feeling this way? *sigh*

I finished another class and start the next one on August 8th.

Done with men for now

I am tired of dealing with liars who masquerade as men. My most recent "lover" has been lying about getting together with me for over a week. He doesn't consistently answer or respond to my calls. I am so tired of of the bullshit.

I don't ask for much. I only ask for honesty. Do not tell me that you will call back if you don't feel like it. Do not say you want to get together if you do not really want to.

I suppose that the lesson to be learned here is that I've got to deal with people that have an interest in impressing me and gaining and maintaining my trust.

It's time to delete this bastard from my life.

I shouldn't have began seeing anyone so soon after the Ron incident. Oh well, I will live and learn from this bridge. Ron was a bridge from S.C and this one's been a bridge from Ron. Now I must focus on just leaving men alone and getting my education and career on track.

What can happen in a Week

I quit my job. In quitting my job, I forfeited the home which was being offered at an incredible deal.

I have wanted to quit my job almost from the beginning. My only grief comes from no longer being able to purchase my home. I suppose that the timing was not right.

In addition to that, I went on a date from hell with a guy from BP. He told me that he was out from Ny and that he'd not had a single nice date. He complained that the women were stuck up or wanting to play games, etc. I kept my opinions to myself as this one was obviously certifiable. It made little difference.

When I dropped him off, he threw his drink on me.

Yeah...lovely "date" eh?

I was offered another job, exactly a week after I'd quit my previous one. This one will be recruiting only so I'm very excited about that. What will come of it all?

Chaos...my love

I've let my "love" life screw with my academic life. SO NOT ACCEPTABLE. Last week someone in my learning team busted me out in front of the entire class saying that I had not done my work and that she felt that I shouldn't get credit, etc.

I had done my work. The thing is, I had done the work right before coming to class so I did the assignment, but, put it into the wrong format.

I was able to somewhat redeem myself, but I've been up tonight working on an assignment that is due a week out from now rather than my personal assignment.

I have to get my ass in gear.

I don't know if I even mentioned it, but I wound up meeting up with a guy that I met in Old Sac during the month of May.

We'd met in January or February but had not made it a priority to get together as we seemed to play a lot of phone tag. I finally grew impatient with the waiting and demanded to know if he was married or involved with someone because it did not make sense that we had not got together.

He told me that he worked three jobs and was always busy, but that we should definitely meet up.

We did and he looked nothing like I remembered, (mind you, it was dark when we met) and it was a bit awkward because he kept staring at me. He seemed incredibly intense, but, I liked the fact that I felt nervous around him.

We agreed to move forward as we both were liking what we saw. Unfortunately, we did not get together for several more weeks after that initial "refresher" meeting.

When we did, we wound up going to a late night dinner at Denny's as nothing else was opened. We then spent a couple of hours talking and flirting before he took me to the other side.

*sigh* I slept with him twice that week, both times were for more than three hours. I was exhausted, but satiated for the first time in years and I was enjoying it.

I even brought him to my home to meet my family, (condition for him to stay the night here), only I didn't see or hear from him for several more days. When I did, I almost wished that I hadn't. He told me that he'd been robbed at gunpoint, etc....it wasn't good.

It turns out that my incredible lover is not only young, but he's also invovled in selling drugs and possibly gang violence. Shit! I've NEVER EVER dated a thug. I'm all about straight laced guys that are potentially on an upswing.

This guy is trouble. He asked if he could borrow $60 bucks to replace a battery in his car that was allegedly stolen. I agreed. Not only have I not got the cash back, but the other night he proposed that I rent a car for him so that he can get to work and "visit" me. Ummmm HELL NO!

I am so discouraged. I finally find someone that is sexually compatible if nothing else, and he's attempting to use me as his sugar mama.

On the other hand, there's the other guy that I met at New Year's that I've talked to for months. Went to visit him and wonder if he's got three freaking brain cells. Talking to him was painful. He is just not on my level. He only wants to literally get drunk and talk. Ick!

Some guy came out from Phx and we went to the Reggae club. It was cool. I danced with his cousin, saw Ron...told him off a little. Unfortunately, the guy wound up forcing himself on me. I felt like I had no choice as I was at his place in a strange city with no car. It wasn't good.

I'm moving. I've lived in Sac for 13 years now...no nearly 14. I put down money on a brand new home today.

This girl needs a change in a major way.....

I need to leave all men alone for now

I got together with D again on Thursday night for a few hours. I actually got home by four, I think. I wasn't completely exhausted on Friday as I got several hours of sleep compared to what he would usually give me.

I let him know that I'm not interested in a person who is doing things that he shouldn't be. That statement lead to a serious conversation with regard to what each of us is seeking. He says that he doesn't want love, but, rather someone who cares and is willing to offer emotional support.

I emphasized that I am not overly interested in being tied down to anyone, but, were I to commit, he would need to be walking the straight and narrow.

I then did something that I completely disagree with in hindsight; he had asked if I could help him out by allowing him to borrow $60 to get a battery for his car. I did.

I'm supposed to visit Bright next weekend. I'm already feeling as if I don't want to be bothered...

I don't even want to touch that one, but, suffice it to say that I don't need to give any man money and certainly not be out doing it at three in the morning.

Finished another class...

I completed Soc 200 tonight. I enjoyed the class.

Damn, damn, damn!

So many things took place since last Sunday. Last Sunday I took Ron's call. I felt somewhat better because I told him some of the things that were on my mind, knowing that it would change nothing. I felt relieved to not have to carry those thoughts.

Monday I got a call from D_____. He told me that he was in town (he lives out in Oakland) and wanted to know if I was available to get together. I agreed to do so and we wound up meeting for a late supper. I wasn't hungry as I'd already eaten, but I wanted to spend a little time getting to know him.

We wound up going to a restaurant and from there, he drove us to a liquor store where he got Starburst (some of my favorite candy) . What I didn't know was that he'd also picked up condoms. After making out for several hours....I wound up succumbing to my exhaustion and I had sex with him.

I could have been tired, but, he was incredible! He lasted for hours and I was satisfied multiple times before I finally told him that I could take no more.

We parted ways at nearly five in the morning and I got two hours of sleep before I went to work and then school.

We played phone tag that evening and agreed to get together on Thursday night. It turned out even more intense than Friday as he had his way with me for over four hours (not including foreplay).

I got an hour of sleep prior to going to work on Friday morning.

I told him that if he wanted to spend time at my home he'd have to first meet the occupants of the house. He asked if he could come by on Friday afternoon, so, I said sure. He wound up meeting my family. It went ok. Mind you, he's the first person to meet my family outside of my ex of four years.

Saturday some guy Jason came in from Az. He used to live in Sf until about a month or two ago. He was coming out for the holiday weekend and to work the doors at a club where his friend Dj's. He invited me to come up and he'd get me in for free.

Paula didn't want to drive out there because she had to work on Sunday and she doesn't really get much play when we go there, so I wasn't going to go. Jason offered that I could ride with him out to the city and that he'd let me stay with him if I was comfortable with that. I agreed and went with him.

The club was cool. I danced with his cousin for the first few hours while he worked. I ran into Ron a couple of times there and finally when he offered to buy me a drink I went off with him and talked with him for a few minutes. He told me some BS about how I looked beautiful and was I ok because I looked tired. I went off. I told him that I didn't understand why he kept asking me how I was doing and that the thing that bothered me about it all was that he'd lied about wanting to be married by the end of the year and then he winds up screwing someone else. If that weren't enough, he never even bothered to apologize for hurting my feelings.

He apologized and I told him that I didn't believe him. He insisted that he was being truthful and that he hadn't been sleeping with anyone else other than the "roommate" incident, as he put it. I thanked him for his apology and told him that I had to go.

I left with Jason and his cousin and went back to his place. I fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the sheets. I woke up to him caressing my ass. I pretended to be asleep for about an hour of that and him fingering me. He finally began to go down on me and I couldn't pretend to be asleep anymore.

I wound up sleeping with him even though I didn't want to. He even apologized for pushing the issue after it was over.

We showered and got dressed and he drove me back home. He said he'd call and of course, he didn't. I feel as if he was a wasted fuck. It wasn't good and I didn't want to, but, I felt afraid of what would happen were I to resist. I was alone, in a strange city in a house with two men that I had met less than 24 hours before.

When I tried calling D, his voicemail message indicated that his phone had been lost and to call another number. I called the other number, got some other guy, left a message for him to call me when he could and I haven't heard from him. That was yesterday evening.

I feel tired and disillusioned by the week that I've had.

I am only documenting this stuff so that I can reflect on it all once the shock has worn off. It was a mistake to get involved with D so soon, definitely a mistake to trust and sleep with Jason.
The only good thing was that I saw Ron in person and told him how I felt, leaving little doubt that I was serious about being done with him and his lies.

It doesn't get better...but the burning is decreasing

I got through Algebra 2 with a B-! I never thought that I'd live to see the day when I would celebrate anything less than an A, but that day arrived about a couple of weeks ago....

I'm tired all of the time and I feel stressed. I gave a guy the greenlight to resolve my sexual frustrations and he began doing things that indicated to me that he wasn't serious about moving forward (not following through when we were supposed to go out). Thankfully, I hadn't slept with him, but, it was a real downer. *Yawn*

It's tough to be in this situation right now. I have considered twice this week calling Ron, but, there is nothing to say. Although I would like nothing more than to see him and to spend time with him, it cannot be anything more than that. He is sleeping with another or other people in general. That is not acceptable to me.


Sometimes I feel so tired and lonely. I do not need a relationship right now...just some stress relief. Some time to decompress....time to get to bed

Over and Done With

I found out a week ago today that the man that I felt I loved has been living with a woman that he is having sex with. He would not have told me had I not asked him and thankfully, I found the courage to do just that. What a terrible waste of my time and energy. I don't know how long it's been going on, but, at this point in time, I feel terribly empty. I am saddened to know that someone I cared for had no regard for me, but, we cannot change what others think and do.

This passed week, I have focused on my schooling and work to help me through this.

I found out not this last Tuesday, but the one before that my ex is not only involved with someone but fancies himself in love. It was a bit sad for me because he brought our child around this woman without ever mentioning it to me. Other than that, I am happy to know that that chapter is over for me. He will not continue to pester me, because hopefully, he will be happy with this person.

I am so tired all of the time. I really enjoy the work that I do, but, I want to work for another company. I feel as if the things that they do in order to boost employee morale are not enough. There is a distinction made between salaried and hourly employees and that distinction is a huge negative.

I am tired and would like nothing more than to finally be able to relax in someone's arms and go to sleep. I think, however, that the moral to this story for me is that I should have done what I knew to be right years and years ago.

I will not be married as I wanted...because of the choices that I've made. How very depressing.

My sadness is like the ocean....

Today I am sad and feel despondent because I was on the brink of falling in love with him and things worked out as they did. I have to cut the ties with him and it makes me sad to acknowledge that as well.

I feel as if I'm failing on so many fronts. I worked hard at this Math class and still only got a D. I have never received a D as a final grade in a class. I feel that I have torn myself into a million directions and there is nothing left. I want to cry until I can cry no more.

I am so tired of fighting the feelings of sadness...I think that they will win the battle this time. I will be 25 this Saturday and my life is nothing like I wanted it.

I just want to escape everything. I want to be alone with my despair. I want to change for the better but I'm not sure what specific things I am capable of doing. I want to get out of this cycle of stress and sadness.

I wish that it were apparent to me what to do....yet I do know. I guess I must pray for courage....courage and the true desire to change....

Lonely

I went to visit the guy out in Milpitas yesterday. He was nice. He got me a gift bag with candles, potpuri, a stuffed animal and champagne. It was thoughtful.

We went out to dinner. He took me to a lake and we talked (actually I tried to doze off while he talked. Later, we went back to the hotel and slept in the same bed and never touched. I felt no chemistry with him. He's a nice guy, but, I think that this taught me that perhaps either 1) I'm not attracted to him or 2) I'm not ready for dating or 3) he's just not the one. I felt more lonely after the experience than I imagined I would.

I miss my bestfriend. I could have discussed this with her and tried to make sense of it all, but, instead, I am writing into cyberspace and can't be certain that I'll receive any feedback. I am tired and feel depressed. I just wish that I could engage in some healthy interaction with someone else.

I am uncertain what I should do. I don't know if I should continue trying to find a person to become romantically involved with or if I should work on getting my friendship back. I don't know. I only know that everything hurts right now and I feel really despondent.

I think that I should tell this guy that I'm not attracted to him. I just don't like confrontation. I think he would handle it fine...perhaps I'm being selfish and not wanting to get rid of that option....

The Waiting Game....

I feel sad tonight. I slept with him this weekend, he volunteered that he’d call me on Wednesday and he never called. It’s Friday night and I wanted to call, but, what is there to say? It is clear what has happened the entire time that I’ve known him. I have put my life on hold (not at his request) in the HOPES that he’d come around. It hasn’t happened and it will not happen.

I am so sad and discontented. There was time when I felt free. I did not care what any guy thought. I wanted nothing more than physical gratification and felt that that would be enough.

I don’t know when I stopped evaluating whether or not he made me happy. I think that I came to need him to be happy. I think of him at times just about my every waking moment. It is not healthy.

I have put everything on hold and it has been for nothing. I believe that he will never come. I believe that I will never find someone else like him. GOOD. He is no good for me. I want to feel the same level of passion again for someone, but, I do not want to feel this way again. This has been an experience that I regret. I am too emotional to reflect upon what I can take away from this experience other than the importance of not dating anyone who tells you that they want to focus on their music or that there will be plenty of guys…..

I have waited for a long time for him to change when it really needs to be ME who changes. He doesn’t have to change. It really will not make a difference. I have to stop having relationships with people that hurt more than they feel good.

Tomorrow I’ve agreed to meet someone. We’ve had great conversations that are comfortable, but, I’m afraid of meeting people from the net. I don’t want another Andy experience. I’m also afraid of actually liking someone and being vulnerable. I want to just cancel, but I’ll keep my word. If nothing else, he will be one more great “friend” who is ultimately useless to me. *Sigh*

Women and Friendship

I'll be 25 in a little over a week (March 25th). I have no plans, which is partly my own fault for not making any. I am in a dispute with my closest friend as well. It is all very much an issue that only women would have because of the communication style that women typically have when it comes to disputes.

We oftentimes make a few key mistakes when it comes to getting pissed off about any particular thing. The first mistake is assuming that the other person knows why we're angry. While it may be true that some of the people that we deal with on a day to day basis do know what does and does not make us upset, there is no guarantee that they will know what made us upset when we are angry.

The second mistake that we typically make is assuming that the other person is purposefully witholding an apology because they are locked in a power play or a battle of wills with us to determine who can hold out the longest. Again,while this may be true in some instances, for the most part, the other party is unaware of your anger status or at least the reason behind it. Also, many people in general just don't have the time nor inclination to deal with confrontations over what are typically petty issues.

With the challenges that day-to-day life presents constantly looming in front of us, who really wants to fight?

As an individual, is it really worthwhile to engage in battle with someone you care about?

I've recently been faced with this dilemma. While I care a great deal about the person that I've been having issues with, I do not have a desire to fight. For this reason, avoidance is a much easier and desirable tactic.

The stresses of work, school and single parenting far outweigh arguing or debating who is right and who is wrong. We are both angry and feel a certain degree of resentment. We both feel justified in feeling that way. Whether we are both right (which is highly doubtful) is really of little importance. I wonder to myself how long it will go on and what the long term effect might be on my personal happiness.

The short answer is: some. She's been a huge part of my life for a very long time. I, however, have been branching out for a while, in spurts. I will definitely not be forever a hermit, but it is never the same when you are not with someone that you are really close to.

Back to my birthday. A part of me wonders if I shouldn't try and extend the olive branch prior to the "big day". I debate if it will be construed as an effort to assure that I have a companion to party hard with or not.

There still exists on her end, resntment about my not spending more time with her last year on her 25th birthday (we went out dancing and I danced the whole night with guys) and this also makes me fear that there might exist a desire to "get back" at me. *Sigh*

If only I were a guy right now....

The older guy that I've slept with off and on with since last August was out here for the last time this week. He finally got his RE property rented out.

So now I'm out of a best friend and a sex partner....what a way to go into 25!

On a serious note, I wonder how I can rectify this situation without compromising myself. I don't want anyone to feel that they are entitled to my time and efforts. That is the way I was beginning to feel with my friend...that she didn't appreciate either and was not satisfied with what I was willing to give.

Friendship is not an obligation, but rather, a choice. I guess that at this stage in my life, with all of the craziness that is taking place, I do not want to budge on that.

I do not know what I will do right now....

I fell again....why bother to get back up?

I cannot believe in intangibles. People or promises alike.

I had a final weekend with the person that I've been intimate with for the last six months. It was not good. The sex was fine, but the things that I was forced to realize about him were not good.

In spite of my ideas on older men/younger women couples, I'd convinced myself that there was really a chance of something developing beyond sex between us. Not only did I find that that wasn't remotely possible, but that he deals with a large number of beautiful young women. *sigh*

I feel so stupid to have even put myself through all of this again. My decision to not see him or speak with him anymore really isn't going to make a difference to him and it will make me suffer for a time, but, it's the only thing that I can do.

School hasn't gone well either because I've had my priorities so out of wack over dating and the like. I've dropped my class for this month and will return in February. I feel so lost and fucked up right now.

Why is it that I feel that I'm not worthy of love or something positive? How can I change that?

A funeral and four men who are dead to me!

I'd like to preface this blog with a little background. I attended my first funeral yesterday. We were laying to rest a cousin of mine. He was a veteran and the service was brief, but very emotional.

After the service, we had a mini family reunion. Everyone laughed and told stories about old times and relatives who weren't around any longer. I left feeling so much better about life and so positive only to lead to a couple of conversations later that night....


I've had four disappointments in regard with men over the last 36 hours.

I've known Chris from the net for five years. We've never met in person, but he claimed that he was in love with me at one time. I decided against being with him for several reason, one being that he lived in Virginia and I'm in California. In addition to that, he was a full time college student and I was a full time employee in a new relationship. Anyway...he broke up with his girlfriend earlier this year and although we hadn't talked in over a year, since our last spat over something or other, Chris contacted me earlier this month. He wanted to come out here and have sex with me and when I told him that I wasn't interested in being sexual with him and that that's not cool, he decided to move to Texas to live with some other chick. So essentially, I'm good enough to screw, but not to get to know and try and build a relationship with, huh? Interesting...

Robert lamented about how he can't find a nice woman. He went on to tell me about how I always know the right things to say to make him feel better and always offer practical advice and all of this stuff. He then told me that he PRAYS that I will find someone. He PRAYS that I will find someone! WHAT????He excused himself from the running by saying that he lives too far away. Ok....

On to bachelor number three....Mike. This guy was someone that I had a great phone convo with one night for hours and we really seemed to hit it off. He disappeared without an explanation and I just let it pass. He saw me online the other night and we engaged in a long exchange in which he declared that he could fall in love with me easily and that he wanted me to come out to LA and visit him. He told me that he'd pull out all of the stops and all of this crap. I finally agreed to come and meet him. The next two days or so we only talked via offline messages. Today I ran into him online and began talking. As I searched for airline deals (unbeknownst to him) we had a little idle chat and eventually mentioned that he has a date tonight and that he didn't know why he was going or why she'd agreed. Perhaps they'd both be bored...or maybe they'd just use each other for sex. Well, I never....

Finally there's Ron. I began seeing him during the summer and things were great until he began to be less attentive. I couldn't seem to get him to return phone calls or anything. He finally admitted that he was dating other women, actually, I kind of managed to get him to divulge that by pretending that I already knew. I stopped seeing him for a time, but resumed when my horny side prevailed in a battle with my better sense. Things are fucked up again. I told him that I'm not happy and he said that only I can make me happy and that it's not good if I feel like I'm having to chase him. He'll call me later, though. Right.....

Ultimately, I know that these people all need to be deleted from the list of people that I know. I just can't help feeling as if I have got onto a hamster's wheel and am repeatedly becoming involved in the same vicious cycle over and over again. It really kills me to know that I am so depressed over this shit, but, how could I not be?

Ron is right. I need to do what is going to make me happy. Right now, not thinking about any of them will be at least a first step. *sigh* Will I ever meet the man that Robert's been praying about? LOL

*Crying never helps but it's all I seem to do these days*

He's stopped taking my calls. Just like that. How very simple it is to be cut off from the object of your affection. I suppose that it has all come full circle then. I feel shattered and hurt and do not know how I'm going to face the impending days. I feel lost and bereft and want to crawl into bed and cry myself to oblivion.....why couldn't he love me? Why? I feel like shit.

I don't know how I can feel better. I just don't want to try anymore. Dating doesn't work for me. I cannot seem to find anyone who I feel the same about....I just wish that someone would believe that I was good enough for them and that I was into them....but it seems to be too much....

That is the trouble...I've always offered too much and have never had quite enough....

As things change, everything remains the same

Thanksgiving was wonderful. For the first time in years, my family got together without any drama. I truly had a good time.

The fuckbuddy has resumed lying to me. I don't know who I'm more disappointed in: him or me. I know that the right thing to do is to cut him off completely. It will be too great of a cost to repair my dignity after all that I've put myself through for him, but, it still really pisses me off. I wish that I could be really vindictive and bring him down a notch or two, but the greatest revenge is to not give a damn at all. That's what I'm working on.

On a brighter note, I've finished my first non fluff book in a very long time. I'm pleased with that accomplishment. I've also decided that I'm going to date without getting into anything too serious for the next few months. I simply need to network and make some friends. Perhaps I'll take a lover, I'm not sure yet. I typically can go for a few months before it becomes a pressing issue....wish me luck! :)

I'd love to give more time and attention to my personal writing, but, my schedule is so tight these days.

I long for personal time....

Just another Manic Monday....why isn't it Friday?

I got my Sex and the City dvds and I'm happier than a pig in----well, you know what I mean! I'm so excited! I'd planned to watch a marathon this passed Saturday, but they didn't come in the mail until today so....I'm stuck watching them through the week because I'm scheduled for a computer course on Saturday and have to work on Sunday :(. Poor me!

I could lose my great new job if I don't learn Microsoft Excel by December 9th, so I'm very very very very nervous about that....*sigh*. I purchased Professor teaches Microsoft Office, Windows, Web & Graphics Super Set on Saturday...hopefully it will help! I don't know what to do.

In addition to that, I've slipped back into some bad habits. I've slept with the guy who broke my heart three times in the last couple weeks....it's terrible. On a brighter note, I met a really interesting guy at the grocery store today...so perhaps I'll be distracted enough to finally leave the guy from out of town alone for good.

Another guy asked me to a concert for later this month, so, hopefully we will actually go. I'm really excited because I really like the artist.

I'm so tired right now....I hardly slept last night because I kept getting woken up. I'm hoping that the week will get better.

"I love you"

I was watching television tonight and on the show the leading man told the woman that he'd been jerking around for the last two or three years that he loved her. She resisted at first but finally submitted to his kiss and wound up sleeping with him and embarking on the start of an affair.

Although this was purely a work of fiction, it made me think of question: Does "I love you" change anything? Does it change everything and cover over a multitude of sins?

How is it that three little words can make or break a relationship? Isn't it horrifying to think that so much weight can be carried in a mere three words?

I reflect upon my relationship upsets and wonder if I'd been told that I was loved, if I would be content...even though I wouldn't necessarily be happy. I wonder....

Off to New York!

I have a cyber buddy that I've talked to for a year. Tonight he told me that he feels that our conversations are pointless. He went on to explain how discouraging it is to find someone that you feel you really connect with on a mental level who is hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. I could understand his feeling that way. Anyone who's been on the internet for any length of time has probably had at least one person that they've really clicked with who lived far away.

My spontaneity took over and I told him that I'd like to meet him in New York City, (he lives in Syracuse) and we could shop and see RENT http://www.siteforrent.com/.

Lol. *sigh* As dramatic as it sounds...it's not too insane. I've wanted to see the play since I first heard about it in '96. Also, as an avid Sex and the City fan, (who as of yesterday owns every episode created) I've always wanted to visit New York City. I think it would be really exciting and I'm comfortable with meeting him.

I am not interested in trying to make a love connection. I don't feel that way toward him and I'm not one for long distance relationships either...so that wouldn't be a risk. I think it would just be a way of facing yet another fear of mine: meeting someone who is far away that I have talked to for forever. Putting a face to the name and nuances with the words.

A part of me wonders how much of this is spurred on by a desire to run away from my grief over the guy from the summer who, coincidentally, I did see again....just this Saturday! I feel that I need some distance between us and physical distance wouldn't be bad. He is similar to a five pound chocolate bar. It tastes soooooo good but you know that indulging in it will result in a tummy ache!

Continuing to indulge him is getting me nowhere near my personal goals. My challenge this month will be to really break free of this charade and move on with my progression toward----

In the shadows...

I am an avid fan of personality analysis. For years I've studied about MBTI and the like and have adopted it as a sound explanation for most of humanity's behaviors. Today, I decided to do a little hunting for INFP groups as I'm an INFP and I read about the INFP shadow.

In all of the years that I've studied, I hadn't read about our inferior traits. It seems that the other side of the coin consist of our weak areas. These traits are typically shown when we are under stress or other unusual circumstances. It says that mine is a negative form of the ESTJ. How interesting is that!

I'm going to take a nap and then resume studying about the shadows of the personality types....


http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/mb-types/infp.htm

Crawling in the dark....

For every step that one takes forward, when they slip, they tend to take at least three backwards. At least, that's been my experience to date. The previous week had been terribly busy and my stress levels were elevated. I tried my little excercises in being positive and found that I was falling short. I made the decision to see the guy that I stopped seeing after the revelation that he was seeing other women.

I decided that I would use the experience and the excercise as a way of closing that chapter. I figured that since I am fully aware of where we stand, I couldn't hope to get anything more out of it.

It was what it was. It certainly helped to calm some of the restlessness that I've been experiencing of late. He gave me a massage that seemed to release a lot of pain in my system, but, once it cleared, I felt a lot better.

We are not going to begin seeing each other regularly again. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that I won't see him again, (it's a very long story, but trust me on this one). I feel ok. Our interaction was nothing like it'd been before, so I can't mourn something that is no longer. I don't feel terrible for my decision, I'm just awfully tired. I was up really late and slept during the day and I've got a chest cold.

I had a lot of time to reflect on the drive home. I'm tired of dating and dodging men. Literally! I think that it's time to open a new chapter of my life. In this chapter, I'm single and use my energies to focus on self realization and getting my spiritual balance back in place.

I feel as if I've spent the bulk of my adult life entangled with another person and it is a blessing to be free if the person you are with has negative energy.

It made more sense in my head! Lol. I'm just tired...and while I'm not feeling hopeless that I'll find a nice guy, I'm feeling resigned to the fact that there will not be any quality to my existence until I regain me.

Cool Blog that I read today...check him out!

With the changes in healthcare over the last few decades, the roles of Nurses has become increasingly more responsible and critical to patient care. HMO's have tacked a cost to each patient and doctors oftentimes don't have the time to give each patient adequate direct patient care. In comes the Nurse...

They are on the frontlines in our hospitals, clinics and even in some cases, our homes, providing education, comfort and medical attention. This young man is a recent graduate from Nursing school. Well done!



http://tmadamba.blogspot.com

Sitting on the porch in a swing...

Today started off on such a negative note. I had this long blog first thing this morning. I woke up to a love song that was so sentimental and expressed what I want to have with someone and it made me want to cry...first thing this morning...needing to be to work in an hour. It was terrible. That song, or at least it's message, adversely affected my mood for the rest of the day. I was in a funky mood. I felt down and negative but not upset...just restless and frustrated and really vulnerable. It doesn't help that he didn't call after I left him a message saying that I couldn't do him a favor. It merely emphasizes the fact that he only wants contact with me when he can gain something from the experience. Interacting with me is not enough for him. Whatever we had is so dead that even the ashes leave a bitter taste in my mouth....odd way to put it, eh?

I have this young guy that I had a one night stand with prior to meeting this guy that I'm grieving about, who keeps calling me and wanting to spend time. I am hurting too much to give any energy to trying to "get to know" him. I feel so empty and filled with pain at the same time. I cannot give anything positive right now...at least...that's what I tell myself.

The real issue is that I cannot take him seriously. He is very young and I don't feel passionately for him. I feel that I am chasing an elusive dream. I feel as if I will never feel this depth of emotion for a person again...if ever and it makes me feel hopeless.

I want to contact the guy, but, I'm beginning to annoy myself with the calls! I don't have anything to say so it feels really negative. It's almost business-like as he requests that I do things and I comply. It is so disatisfying...and yet, it is the only way that I can justifiably continue to have contact with him.

Some guy that had messaged me from dating site decided to stop talking to me because I posted a new pic on the site after talking to him....*sigh*

I think that the moral to this story is that I have a lot going on and perhaps the person that I'm looking for is out there...perhaps not, but dealing with these guys is not rewarding. I need to take a break----

Liars and cheaters

Not sure what to make of it all because prior to this year, I didn't put much stock into astrology. As I read my forecast, it mentioned how none of the relationships that I took part in between February '05 and January '06 would come to anything. *sigh* It makes those of us feel better who have been in a series of upsets when it comes to relationships, I think. I feel slightly discouraged. I was getting calls from a guy that I met in LA and he seemed to be a nice guy. It turns out that he wanted me to give in to his pressure to come up here so that we could get to know one another so that he could move here to be closer to me.

The thought of a stranger uprooting their life for me terrifies me. Well, when he saw that I wasn't giving in to the pressure, he mentioned that he's liked someone in New York for quite some time and that he's flying her out. If things work out, she will move in with him.

Now, to be honest, I wasn't really interested in this guy. I felt that he was really nice and that I'd be able to cultivate feelings if given time. It was just terribly discouraging to find that someone that I felt was above board was just as misleading as the last guy that I "dated". Lol

It's all pretty laughable if it weren't my reality, I might be in stitches. Oh well. I'm so tired of people and lies and dating and feeling lonely. It will get better. It has to, right?

My Astro Chart....am I getting desperate or WHAT?

Introduction
This report is a short edition of the AstroText Forecast. It is meant as a sample and advertisement for the full version of the AstroText Forecast which can be ordered from Astrodienst as a bound report of about 20 - 30 pages.
In the short edition, only a few, but nevertheless important transits over your natal chart are considered. It is likely however that some important transits of this six month period have been omitted in this abbreviated report.
If you are interested in the full pattern of relevant themes, please order the full version of this report. Your best choice of report will be Liz Greene's Yearly Horoscope Analysis or Robert Hand's Transits of the Year. These reports will select the really relevant themes of a 12-month period for you, and deal with them in depth and style.
The report was generated for 6 months starting from October 2005 with the following birth data: female, born on 25 March 1981 at 11:25 pm in Modesto, California.
Your sun sign is Aries. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is in Sagittarius, and your Moon is also in Sagittarius.

Pluto sextile Pluto: Overall gentleness
End of December 2004 until mid October 2006: During this time the changes that take place in your life will be part of a creative evolution. You can see that you are moving toward your goals and that you do not need anything else in order to attain them. You will get there simply by allowing the current energies to play themselves out.
At the same time this influence will create additional opportunities for growth that you may or may not choose to take advantage of. This is a period of stability within change.
Quite likely your concerns will become deeper as you become interested in the more profound aspects of your life. You may wish to understand more about your internal psychological workings, and this is a good time to find out without fearing great upsets. The overall gentleness of this influence allows you to discover many things that could be the source of anguish at other times. On another level, this influence will also give you greater concern about the universe as a whole and where you are in relationship to it.
You will probably find that your views about daily life are stabilizing and maturing. Now that the period of rapid change is past, you are arriving at a way of dealing with the world that will not change much more except, hopefully, when future experience invalidates your present views. In other words, this influence doesn't represent settling into rigidity, but stability.

Uranus square Ascendant: Sudden separations
End of February 2005 until end of January 2006: This influence is likely to have a very disruptive effect on your relationships. Influences may enter your life, either through your home or your profession, that will challenge the foundations upon which your life is built. This challenge will be reflected in surprising encounters with others that upset your way of living or in sudden separations from persons who you thought would remain in your life for some time. Or it may be that you yourself are the catalyst of all these changes as you seek to become free of circumstances that have become oppressive.
During this period it is quite likely that you will do things and go places you never would have thought of in the past. The old patterns of your life simply can no longer encompass what your life is becoming now.
From all of the above it should be obvious that this is not an "evil" influence, although anyone who is wedded to the status quo in life or to their own past will find this period difficult to contend with. Old patterns that have acquired a stranglehold over your life will break up. You may not have been aware of these patterns, because many people find their "strangleholds" quite comfortable, at least until much later on.
The people who enter your life at this time may be quite different from anyone you have known before. Some of these relationships may be quite brief. You may encounter someone for a specific purpose, which you may not be aware of at the time, and once that purpose is accomplished, the relationship ends.
If a new love interest enters your life at this point, it is likely to be exciting, free and totally unpredictable. Do not make a permanent commitment to it until well after the end of this period, for such a relationship is likely to be very unstable and brief.

Uranus conjunction Mercury: Thinking things through
Beginning of April 2005 until mid December 2006: This is a very positive influence, a time when your mind will be stimulated as never before. New ideas, new techniques and new approaches to life will continually come to you. Radical ideas that you would never have entertained before seem perfectly all right now, and you are able to use them positively.
Communication will take on a more important role in your life at this time. You need to share with everyone the new insights that are coming into your life. Consequently you are likely to become a proselytizer for new ideas, trying to break others out of their rigid patterns of thinking. Astrology and the occult in general will attract you now, if they haven't in the past. You will also be interested in scientific and technological disciplines. This is an excellent time to begin studying science and mathematics.
However, if you want to take advantage of these opportunities, you must be quite flexible in your own thinking. If your thinking is very rigid, this will be an extremely upsetting period in which your ideas are challenged and found wanting. Under these circumstances you may become more tense, nervous and threatened. Even if you go along with the insights that this influence can bring, it may be upsetting, because the pace is too fast to keep up. Nervous ailments and anxieties can be a part of this period if the pace becomes too hectic.
A related problem now is the tendency to scatter your thoughts so that you don't think things through very carefully. There is the danger of making decisions impulsively without adequate forethought. In general, this is not a good time to make decisions, but rather a time to learn. Make sure you are in a position where you are free to change your mind, for you may do it frequently. If you try to make a permanent commitment to some new course of action, you are likely to embarrass yourself by seeming inconsistent. The problem is really that you are so constantly exposed to new data that your conclusions have to change as your understanding changes.

Saturn trine Moon: Mutual reinforcement
Beginning of September 2005 until mid June 2006: This influence indicates a time of equilibrium in your life, when the demands of the world are in balance with your emotional needs. Emotional maturity and past experiences have prepared you for this, and now you can put your understanding to work to make your life run more smoothly. Tensions that in the past have seemed to pull you in opposite directions are now working in balance and harmony.
At this time your emotional attitude is sober. Your mental state is relatively quiet, and you can see objectively what is true for you, what your needs are and how much you can give and get from others. Your domestic life and your work reinforce each other, and you are able to attend to both without sacrificing either.
Older people, especially women, may give you great insight and understanding. Your own emotional attitudes are "older" at this time. You take advantage of other people's insights of age.

Saturn trine Ascendant: Gaining experience
Beginning of September 2005 until mid June 2006: During this period of time you will establish yourself with respect to the rest of the world. People will come to know who you are and what you are doing. At the same time this influence indicates that you have reached a point of equilibrium at which your actions and behavior toward others are reliable and consistent. You will not feel like surprising people with sudden or unpredictable actions, nor will you want others to surprise you. Your whole objective is to reach the point where all your affairs are running smoothly and on schedule. Your approach is disciplined, well ordered and mature.
About the only problem with this influence is that you find it difficult to make changes conservatively. And if that response is inappropriate to the situation, you will have difficulty. You are not very flexible, but that is not usually a great problem.
At this time in your life, you are very concerned with gaining experience, particularly in your profession. You are likely to be ambitious and will work hard to get ahead and improve yourself. You will seek out people who can help you, and probably you will make very sure that you want to be fair and just, you don't want to be in debt to anyone. This is a time when self-sufficiency is very important to you.
This is reflected in your relationships also. You are somewhat more reserved than usual and cautious about forming new relationships. Usually this is to the good, although if you are too cautious you may overlook persons who could assist you. Older, more experienced people attract you especially, because you know you can learn from them. A person who will play a very important role as your teacher may come into your life at this time. But don't expect him or her to necessarily conform to your preconceived image of a teacher. He or she may come from any area of your life, and you may not recognize what has happened until later.

Jupiter trine Mercury: Intelligent plans
Beginning of December 2005 until mid August 2006: This is not a time when you should wait for things to come to you. But you can do quite well with it if you communicate with people, look for opportunities, especially in business, and look for good items to buy or sell. This influence confers the ability to see events clearly and to make plans intelligently, which will serve you well in any of these matters.
You are able to put yourself across with confidence and warmth, which will make other people believe you. They will also respect your sincerity and the clarity with which you communicate your ideas. Even if you tell someone something he or she doesn't want to hear, you can do it so that the other person will feel good about you for saying it.
This is an excellent time to take up the study of a new subject, and the more abstract the better. But you also have the ability now to translate abstract ideas into practical reality, which can be very useful in organizing and planning your activities in any sphere of life.
On the psychological level you can expect a period of optimism and positive thinking, fortunately based on reality. You have big ideas, but you have the basic sense to understand what can and cannot be done. This contributes greatly to your effectiveness at this time.


AstroText Forecast - Short Edition October 2005 to March 2006
for (female)
born on 25 March 1981
local time
11:25 pm
in CA (US)
U.T.
07+25
121w00, 37n38
sid. time
11:35:37
Planetary positions
planet
sign
degree
house
motion
Sun
Aries
05°33'00
04
direct
Moon
Sagittarius
07°42'51
12/1
direct
Mercury
Pisces
10°00'17
03
direct
Venus
Aries
02°28'17
04
direct
Mars
Aries
07°08'03
04
direct
Jupiter
Libra
05°28'45
10
retrograde
Saturn
Libra
06°30'18
10
retrograde
Uranus
Scorpio
29°54'52
12
retrograde
Neptune
Sagittarius
24°51'28
01
stationary (R)
Pluto
Libra
23°27'12
11
retrograde
True Node
Leo
09°01'30
08
retrograde
House positions (Placidus)
Ascendant
Sagittarius
07°52'59
2nd House
Capricorn
10°14'32
3rd House
Aquarius
17°18'00
Imum Coeli
Pisces
23°21'46
5th House
Aries
23°17'38
6th House
Taurus
17°17'06
Descendant
Gemini
07°52'59
8th House
Cancer
10°14'32
9th House
Leo
17°18'00
Medium Coeli
Virgo
23°21'46
11th House
Libra
23°17'38
12th House
Scorpio
17°17'06
Transits
Pluto sextile Pluto, 25 Dec 2004 - 13 Oct 2006
Uranus square Ascendant, 28 Feb 2005 - 27 Jan 2006
Uranus conjunction Mercury, 8 April 2005 - 12 Dec 2006
Saturn trine Moon, 9 Sep 2005 - 18 June 2006
Saturn trine Ascendant, 10 Sep 2005 - 19 June 2006
Jupiter trine Mercury, 8 Dec 2005 - 13 Aug 2006

My profile....know anything about MBTI?

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #3 Match: INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

Your #4 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

Your #5 Match: INTJ

The Scientist You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems.Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized.You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others.Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you. You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

What's" Your Personality Type?

Literary Tears

He thinks he's got me figured out and I won't hear from him again! It's for the best, but, it certainly doesn't feel that way. I suppose that this will actually help in my getting over him. Without the phone calls or any contact, I'll be forced to deal with the loss. I certainly have no justifiable reason to contact him, so, I will not do so. I only wish that it didn't hurt so much. I wish that I could just turn my emotions off and not feel the way that I do. I wish that I could also be completely honest with myself and the people that are now trying to get to know me.

I don't want to be rude, but, I'm not interested in the least. I can't see myself with a single one of them. Granted, most of them have fallen off to the wayside since my return from Los Angeles and not calling anyone to initiate contact. One, however, says things that make me feel slightly defensive, as if I need to make a decision right now.

I hate feeling pressured and I will have to be quite frank. I told him the last time that we talked that I am feeling very down as I'm trying to get over someone....what more should I have said? I think that people see an opportunity when they feel that you are vulnerable and seek to try and get in where they can.

I only wish that I could find some way to change how I feel about him instantaneously that would last. Why can't I be happy that he's out of my life? Apparently he's not agonizing over the situation.

My friend tried to tell me last night that everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah. I don't buy it. Sometimes terrible things happen to good people and vice versa simply because that's life. Time and unforseen occurrence befall us all. There are some things for which we cannot prepare. Things will not always go the way that we want them. If they were to do so, how many wars do you think we'd have? How many people would drop dead out of the blue? Or be tortured? Or go broke? How many of us would be left on this planet if things always happened as we'd like.

I think that he is trying to get at the fact that there is some sort of connection between us that should be explored. He lives over four hundred miles away in Los Angeles. I cannot have a romantic relationship with someone who lives that far away. I need so much more from any adult relationship that I have than an instant message can give me. *sigh*

Besides, I hardly know him. While he offers a lot of spirtitual advice and insight into my personality and even that of his own, I cannot say that I feel for him what I feel for this whirlwind of a man that I was involved with.

I feel hopeless and sad that I will never meet anyone who makes me feel so intensely who will not hurt me again. I feel sad that I've lost someone that I felt close to. I feel lost.

I said "No"

I turned down sex with someone that I've wanted for five or six years. It doesn't sound all that hard, but it was. I had to make a conscious choice to not allow myself to use him to put space between me and the last guy that I was with. As I explained to him, if I don't want men to use me for sex, I have to stop giving in to casual sex. I told him that he knew that I was vulnerable and that he was behaving badly by trying to get me into the sack at a time like this. He said that he understood and that he agreed that we shouldn't have sex. I don't know how reformed he is, but he certainly listened to my speech quite patiently! Lol.

I'm sure that I will feel bad about it later, but I feel that I really deserve better than that. A warm embrace for a few minutes while I wish that it were someone else holding me is not my idea of a passionate experience. I did do the right thing! I did!

Emotional Plastic Surgery

I was watching tv and saw a show on plastic surgery. The patients wanted surgery on themselves in order to look more like they felt on the inside. They wanted to be more beautiful, more feminine...different from how they actually were. The interesting thing about it, is that typically plastic surgery is a good thing for people when done in moderation. It helps them to feel more confident about themselves.

I wish that there were some sort of emotional plastic surgery procedure available. If there were, I'd take all of the sadness and self-doubt off and replace it with a permanent happy exterior. I'd have my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority replaced with confidence and have a nice pert superiority complex applied. Not a big, bold one, just one that's cute and perky that people seem to like.

I'd streak my personality with highlights just like hair. I'd be charismatic and enthusiastic. I'd enhance my funny side, just like breasts, maybe I'd go "DD"! After all, who can ignore that? If I could do these things, maybe I'd be in a better position to handle the dating game....maybe I'd actually find someone who could appreciate who I am...and love that person.


At the very least, maybe I could be that someone.


He called me every night for a week. I think he was doing it to disprove my point that he used to call me every night and had ceased. I also think that it's been his intention to keep the lines of communication open so that I'd be inclined to get together with him again. I was in doubt as to whether or not I'd be willing to do it. I wasn't certain if I could handle it emotionally and still question whether or not agreeing to see him had been a wise decision.

The first thing that he asked me to do was to give him a hug. The hug lasted for easily five minutes. It ended with us kissing. I was weak...but I thought that I could handle it. We sat and talked for a while and he mentioned that he was sure that there would be many men that I would be able to choose from. Again, only emphasizing to me that he was not an option. I felt a part of me harden as I attempted to steel myself against the rush of emotions that threatened to take hold of me.

I listened to him talk about how worried about his friend who had a tumor removed this week. He talked about counting ones blessings and all of that. We discussed spirituality and things of that nature. I massaged his neck and he kissed me between my breasts through the t-shirt that I wore. He asked if I were to be walking down the street with my husband and I saw him if I'd say hello and I told him that I wouldn't. The sort of man that I want to marry would be offended that I'd greet someone who I'd just had a sexual relationship with. It is disrespectful. He agreed that it was right and then tried to gauge if perhaps in a few years we both met up and I was widowed....I stopped entertaining it and told him that in that time he'd be too old for me to be interested in at all. Did I mention that he's 14 years my senior?

He would take these liberties because I would let him. Of this, we were both confident. It was truly a sweet torture. I could not delight in the knowledge that he desired me because I knew that even that had it's limits. He can't tell you anything about me. He has asked me the same things over and over because I am not important to him. How could I let him become important to me?

Why do I grieve the loss of this connection more than the loss of a five year relationship? Why does this hurt cut deeper? Perhaps with the LTR I knew for a long while before that it was over. I had the assurance that if I really wanted my ex back, I could have him. I was, after all, admittedly, the best gf he'd had. I'd certainly given more to him than any woman had in his past. Perhaps I felt such a keen sense of loss because I'd really pictured this as hhaving long term potential. This man was consistent with what I want in a man and the depth of passion that I felt...still feel for him, is unlike anything that I've experienced before.

All I know is that spending that time with him was heartbreaking. We went to dinner and I tried to behave normally but I felt a tinge of bitterness in the words that I said. He hinted that he could show me some things and I told him that he couldn't. He questioned whether he would never be able to and I told him that I have a friend who says that he never uses that word, and the reasoning but that I don't agree with that.

He finally took me back to my car. He asked me to return to the city with him and his house. I told him that he's got things to do out there. He told me "so". I told him that it wasn't a good idea and what would I be getting out of it? He laughed and got out of the car and then swept me into his arms and began massaging my shoulders and back. He melted my defenses quite a bit...that has always been one of his powers over me. He told me to kiss him and I did. It went on from there and he wanted me to touch him, but I wouldn't and we eventually got to my car and he told me goodnight.

I feel terrible for doing what I did and even worse for not seeking an escape in his arms. I feel so damned depressed now. I know that I did the right thing, but I question whether or not I will be able to experience the things with anyone else that I felt with him.

It wasn't just the passion, although he's got everyone beat in that are. Thinking of him can cause my entire body to flush and make me feel as if I'm having a hot flash. It's the feeling of being at peace because I'm in his presence. I could relax with him and feel safe and special and....*sigh*

Sometimes I feel as if every bad thing that happens is payment for something terrible that I must have done. I tried to do things the right way when I got involved with this guy and still, things went to hell. I feel as if I should never date again.

My week

The last week has been pretty hectic. I went on a trip to Los Angeles with my bestfriend on Friday. We had a pretty good time. I met a guy that I've chatted with on the phone and online, an accountant. The e-mails that we exchanged in our first days of getting acquainted were absolutely stimulating! He seemed interesting and intelligent.

While I walked away from the experience still thinking that he was intelligent, I found him to be terribly boring in person. Perhaps he was a little nervous, I'm not sure, but the first thing that he said to me when I opened the door was "You look far better than your pictures! Not to say that your pictures aren't nice, but, you are stunning!" Talk about a compliment!

He told me the same thing a couple days later when he took me to lunch.

We went out the first night with him taking us to Hollywood. We walked around this huge mall that's been built since the last time that we went to L.A. It was sort of late and none of the shops were open. In addition to that, the many restaurants were closed. We wound up having dinner at a "Johnny Rockets" which wasn't great.

The next night, my gf and I went to a dance club that we found in the L.A. Weekly. We'd had a late start on preparing to go out dancing so we chose the only place listed as closing at four in the morning. The place was in a bad area of town and we were nervous enough that we didn't take our purses inside.

The place was similar to something you'd see on tv....just wild! It turns out that it was either a gay club or at least the gay night. There were so many hot looking men and women in there and I kid you not, not a single straight couple was to be found! In addition to that, there were a few stages with exotic dancers in bikinis doing all sorts of moves that I'd only seen done in pornos or while alone with someone! It was hilarious! We'd come there with the desire to dance with hot and sexy men and we wound up spending the night dancing with each other.

Sunday night we finally got some satisfaction out of our clubbing experiences. We went to a reggae club on Constellation and saw Lady Saw. I suppose that she's the self described Queen of Dancehall.

She started her set talking about her "pussy." Yes...she actually used that word...and proceeded to sing song after song about sex and men and the like. There were also some other shows..like people dancing onstage and the audience getting involved. It was cool. I danced all night with men so I was happy.

We returned home on Tuesday morning and I crawled into bed at about three AM. Sadly enough, I had to start my new job that morning and arrive at eight which meant I got up at six!

The new job is working at a company as an assistant in the human resources department. It seems pretty interesting. I'm a curious person by nature so it's very fascinating to find out about the laws.

Phone calls...

I spent last Friday through Tuesday morning in Los Angeles. It was truly a peaceful experience in some ways. My cell phone didn't work out there, so I couldn't receive phone calls. He called me every single day. I spoke with him Friday night and entertained the idea of seeing him once I returned, but I haven't. We've spoken each evening this week and finally got into it again when I told him that friends don't f*ck each other. I meant it both figuratively and literally! I don't know if he picked up on the irony of it.

It merely goes to show what a self-serving ass he really is. When I liked him and didn't know about his other women, he hardly ever called me. Now he calls me daily to try and persuade me to come and sleep with him again. It's really disappointing. I think that the more that I talk with him, the easier it's becoming to not feel the same way about him. I don't hate him or even dislike him---yet.

If, however, he implies again that my maturity is in question because I won't agree to casual sexm, that might actually change....

Musings

Life is about the tough choices that we make. After all, it's typically the decisions that we make that are tough that truly define us. It's been a tough week. I've wanted on more than one occasion to call the guy that I'd been seeing and try and make some sort of connection. The only thing that's stopped me has been all of the great advice from friends and strangers alike. The whole I am sex thing really threw me for a loop. Yesterday, I asked a good male friend about it and he said that my eyes say, "come f*ck me". Yeah, I know, he's a bit blunt, but his point is that I do exude some sort of attitude or aura that says I'm a sexual person versus a nice person.

Granted, short of wearing sunglasses around the clock or altering my appearance with plastic surgery, there is little that I can do about my eyes. I can, however, control my tongue and my fingers.

I've always been a writer and have oftentimes been complimented on my "quick wit" and sometimes naughty sense of humor. I must make a commitment to not banter so much about sex and not use so many innuendos with people that I'm interested in getting to know.

It is important to be myself, but it can't hurt to tone down an area of my personality that isn't very important. I'm tired of attracting the wrong sort of men for me, so I've got to be determined to be proactive rather than bitter and jaded.

I've been asked out by several men and all but one of them is a few years younger than I. I have never been into younger guys, after all, at 24, how young can I go if I want someone who is mature and responsible. I'm not certain that I should go out with them, but I've made it clear that I'm not interested in casual sex...and that I'm saving myself for someone who is special...I hope that doesn't make me a target for someone seeking a challenge! Lol.

My guy friends have also told me to not announce that, but rather to let my actions speak louder than words. We'll see how it goes.

You are sex....

That's what my good friend, Patrick, said to me the other night as I complained that I was tired of meeting guys who just wanted sex. I was a little shocked by that statement, but he went on to elaborate. He says that we tend to attract that which we are.

An example would be a person who is the victim in an abusive relationship. Typically these people tend to consistently wind up with an abusive mate over and over again. The reason is that they carry the same baggage and way of thinking. They believe that everyone is going to abuse them and thus they act accordingly. At the first sign of trouble, rather than leaving, they stay because subconcisouly they have expected this.

I don't necessarily agree that this is always the truth. I most certainly would not like to think that my attitude and demeanor with people tells them that I only want to be a source of their pleasure...well, at least not just their physical pleasure! His statement did make me think about the way that I approach dating in general. I have typically had an easy going approach and will be the first to tell someone that I don't expect anything out of it, that way I'm not likely to be disappointed if it doesn't work out and I'm pleasantly surprised if it does.

Patrick says that this isn't good enough, but that this is rather an easy cop out. He told me that if you don't expect anything....nothing is exactly what one will get. Makes sense....

No need for formal goodbyes?

While I've decided not to see him...I wonder do I even need to bother telling him considering the fact that he's not returning my calls here and there. I hate feeling like a person is leaving me dangling on a string. I realize that he's been going through some things lately, but who isn't going through things? That is no excuse to not keep in contact with a person. I dunno...I think that it won't be necessary to formally break it off but that his very lack of a response to my calls tells me all that I need to know

~Sad in California~

It's over

I suppose that this should come as no surprise. After a week of getting feedback from everyone but him, I've concluded that it's over. Why? I've called him on two or three occasions this week and he hasn't bothered to call me back. In addition to that, he used to call me every night now he never calls me! There has been no talk of whether or not he's seeing the person that he was
"casually dating" when he first began to see me, but I can only conclude that he's still doing so. I don't need to be stressing over someone that I've known for so little time. If he's not on the same page as me, (which based on my lack of certainty on the matter proves that he is not), it is not worth it to continue to waste my time and energies. I'd rather not get embittered and wind up hating him, nor do I want to continue with things as they are and continue to like him even more. I'm really starting to feel down now because I really liked this guy! I guess that I should just leave guys alone for a while. Not calling him will be the hardest...any suggestions?

Two Months

We've been seeing each other about once a week for two months now. I'm not certain where to consider us. Are we exclusive or not? I wonder because if not, there are a couple of people that I'd like to go out with. I'm not certain where that will get me, but I feel it's a little early to be asking about where we stand. I don't want to scare him away, but I also don't want to make it seem that I'm interested in dating all of these people, especially since the whole situation with my ex. I don't know what to do or to think. We are having sex and often, but that doesn't mean much of anything. What should I do? Should I ask him or should I see him for another month or so before I broach the subject?

Up one night

I like this guy a lot. I feel so happy when I'm with him. I feel comfortable and relaxed. He is so easy to be with and I'm learning so much about the things that I like and dislike. He's a generous person with his time and energies. I really admire that.

The sex with him is getting better and better...just as he predicted. I love the way that he touches my body and controls the pace of our merging. He's got music in his soul...he's a passionate figure.

Losing someone you love...

My bestfriend wants to move out of state. It makes me sad. I don't want to lose someone that I love, but it wouldn't be fair to try and convince her to stay. She's not happen here, she's operating without any real sense of direction and she seems to be hopeless. I'm afraid that I won't find someone that I can be close to anymore. That scares me. Maybe it will be a good thing in the long run, but, right now it doesn't feel that way.

I'm sad and afraid.

Manual Test

I got rid of the boring dude because he was an inattentive lover. My gf called me and was telling me about her experience with a guy recently. He started having sex with her without even bothering to be sure that she was ready. My rant is this:

If you're going to fuck me, at least have the decency to do a manual check to ascertain that I'm ready!

Have I....

Have I fucked things up? I was honest about my situation. My best friend suggests that I was perhaps even too honest about it. I felt that he should know where I stand with my ex and I told him all of the ugly details. I'm wondering about the wisdom of it. My sister tells me that it's for the best to be honest. It gives the other person the choice to decide what they want to do rather than living a lie. I can agree with that.

I wonder about myself and my motives. I have a tendency to want that that is not attainable. Is it a form of self denial to get involved with people that I feel things cannot work out with? Am I seeking to punish myself by offering and accepting the impossible and being disappointed when the inevitable takes place?

He makes me smile...

He says that we've got an energy between us. If someone else had said that to me, I'd accuse him of using a line, but, I know exactly what I mean. It's just different. Being in his presence makes me feel at peace. Talking with him makes me smile. I love the way he looks at me and asks me what it is that I'm thinking. As if this head filled with all sorts of wicked thoughts could be coming up with any ideas that aren't erotic!

Later.....

Last night I confided in him some of the problems that we've been facing with the neighborhood and wanting to sell the house. Immediately he asked if he could give me money to buy new tires and when I refused...he asked if he could look at the house to see what needed to be done on it. It was really nice to have someone who would do what I would do if I were in that situation. I couldn't see my ex just putting himself out there to offer me his support, fully. That's what he did. I am still somewhat skeptical, but, I was deeply impressed and it only further reiterated to me that he's different than what I'm used to. He is special. I love talking with him...he can make me tremble with the simplest statement. I have a deep respect for him...and while I'm not yet in love...I am definitely on the verge of something really big....

SoOoOo....

I have had an interesting week. I was sick most of last week and this week my ear and throat began to ache. It turns out that I'd been suffering from an ear infection. My physician prescribed amoxicillin and I've been taking that.

I finished another class. As usual, my team wasn't prepared for the presentation and we began to experience stress and back biting only minutes before class. It is extremely stressful to deal with these people. As interesting and unique as they all are, I'm not certain that we'll be able to truly function as an effective team. It is my plan to transfer to another campus when it opens in a couple of months. In the meantime, I will bide my time here and try and work with the people to the best of my ability. I am, after all, using this experience to learn to be a team player and a little humility.

I got a call from Danny. Danny is a young man that I've been talking with off and on for over a year, perhaps. Last month, prior to my meeting my latest guy outside of the club environment, I finally met Danny in person. He was really sweet and respectful. He made it a point to pay for everything and I wound up doing some things with him that night. The trouble with Danny is that he's younger and I don't see myself ever being able to commit to anyone who is younger than I am...especially with my only being 24.

Danny called me yesterday. He'd just returned from a two week vacation to New York to see his family. As I feared, Danny wants to be in a relationship. I tried to be as gentle about it as I could, but I told him that I couldn't commit to someone that I hardly know. He wants to be intimate again, but, since I've been seeing this other guy, I know that I can't do that either. I am a little stressed out because I've never technically gotten rid of a guy before. I typically just stop taking his calls and eventually he gets the message. I am learning that for some men, that just doesn't work. In addition to that, Danny is a really sweet and responsible young man. I don't want to jade him so I'm going to have to be straight forward with him, yet I don't want him to feel that I'm rejecting him for any perceived shortcomings, but, rather that I've found someone that I can relate to a lot better.

I know that it is still very early, but, I really like this man. He's easy to be with..he has similar long term goals and he's mature. I have yearned for a man in my life who isn't afraid to be the strong one in our relationship. While I'm not seeking an emotional crutch, it'd be nice to discuss some of the challenges that I'm facing with someone who has some life experience and who might offer me additional insight. In addition to that, he wants a family and soon. It's difficult to find men my age who are comfortable with the idea of my having a child, much less to find one who wants to start having children right away. He's established and doesn't need for me to help him to pay his bills or to figure out what to do with his life. I'm tired of feeling that I'm the man in my relationships with men.

It's my feeling that even if things don't work out with this particular man, I will probably continue to try dating older men.

So I've Slept With Him...

I wasn't really expecting it to be much different from the good experiences that I'd had before. I was exhausted and he'd worked all day so he was equally tired if not more so. It was, however, good.

I felt no spiritual connection :)..isn't that a good thing that my feet were still firmly planted on the ground?

It was funny because he'd given me a great back massage and he looked me in the eyes and said that he was tired and only wanted to have a shower and drink some tea before bed. I told him that I had no problem with that and would comply with his wishes.

After his shower, we climbed into bed. I was already very comfortable because I'd drank my tea and he has the most comfortable bed that I've slept in in a very long time. As I attempted to settle on even more pillows, he drew me close to him and I crawled into his arms and lay beside him. I threw my leg over one of his and he began to caress my thigh, my buttocks....

He told me that I was making him hard and I told him that he was doing that for himself...that it was all mental. He asked me to touch him and when I did, he told me to hold onto him. He slid me to the edge of the bed and put on a condom and it's all a blur from there. Eventually we were doing things all over that comfortable bed that would ensure that I'd be more than relaxed when we were finished! Afterwards, we cleaned up and fell asleep.

I slept well in that big, comfortable bed until the calls started coming. One was from Paul just after midnight! I hadn't heard from him all week long and he decided to call me on at that hour! I know what he was seeking, but it really offended me. I think I'm going to have to drop him formally. I don't like that fact because it's not like we were ever an item.

I spoke with Robert on Saturday. He's just as cute as ever. I wish that I could visit him soon but it's not looking like it will happen. In addition to that, Robert and I could only have something sexual, I fear. I like him a lot and wish that there could be more, but he's too far away....

The age of innocence?

I have met someone that I really get along well with. He has the goal of finding someone to marry...at least, that's what he says. I'm not sure what it is I'm trying to do. He's 38, I'm 24. I don't believe that relationships with such significant age gaps can work out successfully, but I feel it would be foolish to pass up getting to know him considering the incredible chemistry that we have.

I was instantly attracted to him the moment that I laid eyes on him. Granted, I wouldn't have approached him, that's something that I just don't do, I made eye contact several times to let him know that I was intrigued.

The first time that he kissed me was incredibly erotic. His mouth tasted of a warm, Thai candy that reminded me of something sweet and sensual. I wanted the kiss to last forever. It was then that I think I decided that perhaps I'd consider breaking my age rule, at least just once. Each time that I see him, I am sucked in a little more. I wonder how much of it is all contrived on his part. All I do know is that being held by him feels natural...and right and kissing him even more so. While I don't feel that I'm a very naive woman, I feel that my age and lack of at least equal experience to him, puts me at a disadvantage. The fact that I'm even thinking these thoughts indicates a deficiency in maturity! Lol

He's got the cutest dimples...and his eyes. His eyes are so expressive...he's simply fascinating. I certainly hope that I will not fall in love with this man. For all that he says he wants, I suspect all men of wanting sex and very little else. I am jaded, I know. I just don't want to be in a similar situation to the one that I was in before with my previous love.

Oh well. I cannot figure it all out tonight.....

As for...

Robert: Robert and I continue to talk every couple of weeks or so. He's still very sweet and entertaining but it's very hard to maintain a close relationship with someone so far away. I might go and visit him later this summer, but I'm still not certain if I really want to bother.

Paul: Paul and I have been together again in an intimate way. It was another all night session. I've concluded that he's not only an unskilled lover but, also very selfish. He's perhaps the very worst lay that I've ever been with and while I haven't been with many men...he's worst the guy that I wanted to forget I'd been with! He's also pretty boring so I'm not sure what to do with him.

This whole "dating" thing has never been my thing. In light of the recent follies, I'm beginning to believe that it might be worthwhile to just resign myself to being single for another four years or so until I finish my studies.

So he isn't great after all...big surprise, huh?

Over the last month or so, I drew even closer to the man that I discussed in my last post. It was wonderful. We talked daily and sent each other messages...it was all very nice. Finally, we began discussing my coming out to meet him. At first he was very much for it, as I began to make concrete arrangements, however, he began to pull back. I sent him a message online one day about needing to discuss dates and details and he never responded. I left him a message on his phone and he never responded. When he finally did want to discuss things, I told him flat out that he needed to let me know either way what it was he wanted to do. I told him that I have never done this sort of thing and that I'm not anxious to do so if he's uncertain in the least. It's not, after all, my desire to fly clear across the nation in order to meet someone that I'll only see once, in all likelihood. In addition to that, we've both got financial obligations, so it would be ridiculous to do this if there is even the slightest shadow of a doubt. I asked if he'd like a couple of weeks to think about when would be best for him and he said yes. I also told him that it's not a big deal if he decides that he doesn't want to do that, that it's not critical that we meet right now. He gave some lame story that I hardly listened to about how he would never dream of wasting my time and blah blah blah.

So much for meeting someone like myself!

I've started working on my BS at an adult education college. I've been terribly busy with that, but, it's going well. I'm feeling a lot better about myself in general and I've been having some interesting talks with my ex. I think that I'm finally ready to try and forgive myself for ever getting together with him and I just might be ready to stop blaming him for everything that ever went wrong in our relationship.

Jumbles

I'm such an idiot! I have met someoen who is so much like me that it's not funny. It makes me joyous to be understood and it makes me afraid. I know the negative things about me, I fear that those negatives might be true of him as well. On the other hand, I feel stupid for even entertaining the idea of anything coming of it all. He's in another part of the country, neither of us can drop everything and move to be close to one another. Those points aside, we haven't met in person. It could very well turn out to be that we don't have the same connection in person once we're faced with the reality of each other. We've each developed an image of the other person, but, how skewed is that image? I could easily fall head over feet for this guy and that's what frustrates me.

This is the first time in my life that I've encountered a person who understands my thoughts and views...someone who actually reflects them. It is special. I am afraid to be anything more than a friend to this person, yet, my nature won't allow me to merely harbor friendly feelings for him.

I am so very confused about how I should conduct myself. I am so very, very confused. I wish that the answers were clear and that I could tell how things will turn out so that I can gain some peace of mind. I am so happy to know him and sad too! I move too fast...feel too intensely and cool off quickly. I am such a silly woman!

Change

I'm allowing myself to fall for someone new and altogether different from anyone that I've been with before. I don't know where it's going. On the other hand, we finished our training for the company. I'm looking forward to getting started with that. I hope that everything works out. I'm not sure if I'm going to see Paul again. He's a really nice guy, but, I don't know that I'm feeling him.

Grandma

My grandmother was diagnosed with colon and breast cancer about five years ago. Friday afternoon she went to the hospital because she showed signs of internal bleeding. It turns out that she was bleeding internally and they admitted her. I'm not sure what they are going to do, but, it's pretty scary. My grandmother is more like a mother to me than my mother ever has been. I'm really stressed out.

SF :)

I went to Sf with my best friend to go dancing last night. It was awesome! We hadn't been to the City in forever and we were pretty excited to be going at last. The trouble with where we live is that the guys aren't very aggressive when it comes to asking women to dance at the clubs. In addition to that, it's hard to get them to dance at all. They tend to chase the girls who all look alike here, average sized blonde girls with that same hairstyle...you know the one where the hair is clipped up and the bangs are worn in a swoop. :) If not the chicks fitting this description, they MIGHT deviate from that and go for the cute little Asian chicks. So much for diversity in this burg. Oh well.

Sf was a lot of fun. I danced with several guys and my friend ran into a guy that she's talked to off and on for four years. They connected and that was a good thing.

I talked to Robert on Friday for a couple of hours. He's been sick and his father was sick last week...he was actually hospitalized. The more that I talk to him, the more that I find I'm attracted to him. He said again that he'd like me to come out there; we'll see where that goes....

Paul and I were supposed to get together yesterday but he got really busy so...he wanted to get together today...I don't think so! We've agreed to chat and agree on another date and time to catch a movie or something.

Update on Robert

I called Robert last Thursday and we talked for nearly three hours until his phone died. It was, as usual, a long and entertaining converation. I really enjoy the way he thinks and he makes me feel excited about so many different things. My concern is that I really really really like him but he's a million miles away and his being of a different culture might kill any chances of anything serious before we even get started.

While I know we would connect sexually, I'm not sure how far all of this can really go. That makes me really sad and it also gives me justification to see people that are here. We have made no promises to each other. Hell, we haven't even discussed being a couple, so I'm not doing anything wrong. I just wish that I could see where this is going so that I can prepare myself emotionally for whatever will come.

In the meantime, he's the greatest guy that I've met in a very long time and I look forward to seeing him. Did I mention that I'm seriously considering taking a trip to Texas? Lol.

Well...I went and done it!

I had sex with Paul. It was pretty decent. I don't understand why I opted to do it. After all...we were "taking things slow" and it was going well. It's been nice to have someone that I am attracted to and enjoy spending time with who isn't trying to get into my pants.

We got together around nine or ten and watched a few movies. After the last one...I sort of turned in his arms and inhaled his scent. He always smells great. So we wound up kissing and things went from there. The thing is that I had an out. He asked me if I was comfortable with going all the way at that time and also told me that it was "perfectly fine" if I wasn't. Initially I said that it was best to not do so. We fooled around for a few hours and then the next thing I know...he'd driven me completely mad with passion and I begged him....yes...begged him to f*ck me.

It was a pretty intense evening. I don't regret it..but I wonder how it's going to impact our association with one another. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. The thought of that scares me. Beside that, I'm really wanting to get together with Robert, but, he's in another state and we've got no understanding established, thus, we're both fair game. I guess that I like spending time with Paul and I don't want our comfort zone to change. I fear that in making our interaction sexual, it might speed up the process and create a false sense of intimacy. This might lead to his wanting a relationship and I don't want to be rushed into anything. On the other hand, he might be like the average jerk and not really want anything other than sex from here on in. The sad part about that is that I'm better prepared to deal with the latter scenario versus the former. I'm really messed up in the head....

My tree

You Are A Hazelnut Tree

You're a charmer with a killer sense of humor. You are very demanding, but you can also be very understanding. No matter what, you always make a lasting impression - you're quite popular. Passionate, you are an active fighter for social causes and politics. In general, you are moody, honest, a perfectionist, and very sexual.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?