The dance

It is interesting how being single can be likened to participating in a dance.

There are the prospective suitors that will flit in and out of your sights....twirl you around and exit the floor.

They will hold your gaze as they smile down at you and dip you...attempting to make you

breathless with the excitement of it all. You coyly watch them from under your lashes as your

mind drifts back to another partner, another dance.....

But then you remember that it is all a game. You have no intention of dancing with this person

again. You will concentrate on the steps and hope to use them again once you've got them down

to an art....

Will....

I spoke at length with Sir William and of course, he was able to offer advice that no one else did.

His message was consistent that things are over.

However, he pointed out why and how I had the power to choose how to handle it.

He used the illustration that things were in the death throes and how I could put band-aids on

the wounds, but, it would not stop the bleeding.

If we were really in a relationship, I would not need to question it.

A man knows how to make his presence felt and he would not leave a woman that he cared

about in doubt. I guess that I needed to hear it from someone who knows how my mind works...

anyway, Sir William is in some trouble, so I pray that the letter that I put together will help.

I just pray that he pulls through on things.

I love him so...

A thought

It never occurred to me how connected we all are.

That is the best incentive for not treating others in a messed up way.

Today a cousin had to help me to fix my tires.

We never know who we will need to fall back on or forward on in times of need.

It makes me determined to be honest and try not to be hurtful when dealing with these guys.

I am going through this, perhaps, because I have walked away from at least one guy ( Paul) without offering any explanation of what the problem was.

To this day, he does not know the truth.

The same happened with Damien and now with this one.

The lesson that I was seeking has been revealed.

Even in a break up, treat others the way that you hope to be treated.

Perhaps you will get it back....perhaps not...but at least your conscience will be cleared.

Send it in a letter

I wanted to reach out because things have changed a lot lately.

In my opinion, they've changed for the worst.

We only see each other to have sex.

You no longer call or message me.

I feel that I am a burden when I do come around.

We don't hang out.

We don't have fun.

I feel like I'm being used half-heartedly.

I want to know why things have changed.

Was it something that I did?

Or was it, perhaps, something that you did?

Have you met someone else and just don't know how to tell me?

Or is that your style and you won't tell me?

Is this the way that you truly break away?

Just don't say anything...

I can accept that---I guess

I am simply asking that since I am talking with you today...

That you level with me so that I can move on with my life and no longer pine after you or attempt to remain faithful to you when I'm not seeing or hearing from you unless I initiate things.

I do not want to leave you

I do not want to lose you

But it feels as if you are already gone

Like you were gone a long time ago

Good or bad

Please tell me something

Another day has come

If today is the first day of the rest of my life...

I'm off to an effed up start! Lol

I've been woken up twice this morning...once only a few minutes after eight and just now.

This second time I was told that I will probably need to replace two tires!

I don't have the money for that. *Sigh*

I am tired...I miss him---a lot.

I tried thinking of what it was that I missed, but, other than the sex and the nice text messages, I could not figure out what I miss.

It still hurts.

I feel sad, rejected and lonely.

I tried to cry last night but I was too tired.

Do I really want to cry?

What lesson can I learn from this experience?

I want to ask what happened...what went wrong, but, he's going to try and act like I'm overreacting and I can't deal with that right now.

I just want to scream and cry....

At the end of the day...

I went to Dylan's house for breakfast this morning around 11:30am.

He finished cooking and we ate at 1:30pm.

We talked a bit and I fell asleep for a few hours.

I finally got up around 4:30 and after talking for a little bit, I signed online and talked with Paula.

We went to the Super WalMart new his house and shopped for a couple of hours before I finally dropped him off.

I went by Paula's and took her the $15 that I owed her and dinner from Carl's Jr.

I then went to Taco Bell and got myself something to eat.

Now I'm home and I've had something to fill my belly.

I feel a little sad because I miss him---you know who---but, this too shall get easier to deal with.

*sigh*

Breaking away....

So I'm not technically going on a date, however, I'm going to a guy's house this morning for him to cook me breakfast...

I need this to break away as things have plummeted with the last object of my affection.

I feel so damned depressed because I hate this part.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it....

Oh, btw, this is the start of day two.

I can't wait until I'm no longer counting!

Day one...

So I haven't called since Sunday when he didn't return my call....

But I did send him a text on Tuesday and another yesterday.

Today will be the first day that I have not made any contact.

Today marks the beginning of my letting go.

*sigh*

I recall how difficult this was with both Ron and Damien, but, I will have to endure it.

It must be....

I love men

How I love them....men.

Yet they hurt....like a shot.

Initially, they are sharp and keen---and then

....the heavy feeling sets in...

And I ache

I don't hate them, I love them so

And yet they burn

Like the flame from a candle

Illuminating my face as I gaze into its light

Oh but if only they would warm my neck and face with kisses

Stir my senses with caresses

How I do love men

But men do not love me....

Hope comes and fades

The situation is hopeless, by my estimation.

With that thought in mind, I have began to entertain getting involved with Ron again.

The trouble with that decision is obvious: he hurt me twice before and is highly likely to do so a third time were I to allow him back into my life.

I feel restless like I need to do or say something.

Yet, something else holds me back from pushing the subject. I do not want to be made to feel as if I am overreacting.

There is another part of me that realizes that perhaps I am overreacting, yet, at the same time, I know what my heart and my gut are saying.

I've been trampled on enough times to recognize this feeling....

What changed?

My bestfriend told me that although I've complained that the guy that I was seeing has changed...I have also changed.

I have decided to do an assessment to see how I have changed since meeting him. I am going to document the characteristics that I displayed initially and see if there is much of a difference now.

1. Open mind--I decided to keep an open mind despite what others were saying about him and his circumstances.
2. Expectations--I placed no expectations on him as I was still trying to get over Damien. I simply stated what I was seeking--nothing that was just sex and left it at that (after the first few days of agonizing that he'd told everyone about my late night visit).
3. Take him at his word--I decided that I would trust him and take him at his word---in spite of the rumors and what others said. This was what I would do so that I could sleep at night without stressing myself out.
4. Positive--I always had a positive attitude and nice things to say. I was feeling positive about things in general and it showed.
5. Openly affectionate--I was openly affectionate with him and expressed my desire for him without hesitation.
6. Communication--I was less verbally forthcoming about my feelings for him.
7. Available--I was often readily available to talk to him whenever he called and wanted to see me.
8. Fun--I had fun when I was with him and looked forward to spending time with him in order to have fun.
9. Spontaneous--I was spontaneous when it came to spending time with him.
10. Options--I had other options and was with him because I wanted to be---not because I felt that I had to be.
    

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

was the day that he finally passed.

It was a hard 24 hours as the full magnitude of what happened hit us all.

He will be missed for years to come....

Revived ----but not for long

They were able to revive him and restart his heart.

They say that his heart is not pumping hard enough in order to sustain life and if he codes again they have the option of installing a pacemaker. Unfortunately, the surgery will likely kill him.

It has been decided that if he does code again, they are not to perform the surgery but to let him go if he does not respond to their rescue efforts....

Gone

Floyd passed away a few minutes ago after coding.

He'd been in the hospital since Memorial day and I feel that it was related to the medical malpractice of the hospital staff.

So it is Done

He finally did something that triggered enough anger and hurt that I have finished it.

Things began to take a decline at the start of May.

I first began to notice the distance when he didn't plan to see the fight with me, but, rather, saw it with his "brother."

In the past, he had seemingly sought every opportunity to invite me out to gatherings and functions, but, this time, he did not bother to do so.

I did what most silly people in that position do---don't say anything and opt to shower him with reassurances and affection to ensure that he did not forget that I was a lovesick fool waiting on standby for him to sh*t on me at his leisure.

So I decided to plan some get togethers because we weren't seeing each other or talking to each other as much.

I decided we'd go to see a game at a sportsbar. That lead to the last fiasco.

Then he left the state for a vacation and I didn't hear from him daily as he had heard from me when I was gone and when he returned and I gave him a few days before reaching out to him and seeing if we could get together and he talked about being tired and needing to get back in touch with me later in the week when it was closer to the time----as if I was only some second rate back up plan worthy chick!

So I smiled and took it up the @ss and went out there short notice with my bag of surprises and we had a long sexy session.

The next day, I wanted to go out to eat together and spend a little more time together and he tells me that he doesn't feel like it and that we're spending time together right then. So I literally took that lying down....

When I returned from picking up some fast food...we ate outside and he had the audacity to tell me that he didn't know what my plans were for the weekend...so he'd made plans to go out and work on getting sponsors and his ride was on the way....

So I took that...

The next day...I flipped out and called to ask what had been going on and he claimed that he's been busy after I flashed on him.

Later that week he attempted to be more attentive by sending text messages versus calling...and Saturday night when he decided that he could spare a few hours to screw me....he called and I ignored it and went out dancing.

I called him later but he didn't answer and I left him a message.

So the next day we talked for like ten minutes tops and it was ok.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the week.

I sent text messages. Sometimes he'd respond. Other times he wouldn't.

I called him Thursday night after he failed to respond to any of my affectionate messages that I'd sent.

I wanted to tell him that I'd be coming out Friday.

He never called me back.

The next day he sent a text with the lame excuse that he was hanging with his sister.

I told him that I was coming and to save me a seat. He told me that I'd better be there on time versus being late.

Based on that, I knew he didn't want me to come, but, I talked myself out of that notion and went to great lengths to look my best and make it out there.

When I arrived, he asked for a hug and didn't bother to make eye contact.

Throughout the evening, I hardly got a glance.

At the close of the evening, after he's had enough alcohol to be jovial, he comes to apologize for ignoring me and tells me that he's got plans first thing this morning relating to one of his children.

I had not really prepared to stay out there that night, but, hadn't shut out the possibility of doing so.

When he said that, however, I was both hurt, angry and felt so insulted.

He should have told me that before I came or at the start of the evening so that I could have left after the show!

I lingered around for another awkward ten minutes or so and then decided to say goodbye and leave.

So he thanks me for coming and tries to ask what I was doing Saturday (tonight) and I said I was going out which is why I'd come out that night. Then he asked about Sunday and I pointed out that it was Father's day so then he's like Monday and I told him that it was MONDAY. So then he's like we've got to plan a date and I told him that it was on him and that I'd planned the last three and how he was going on my deletion list and he laughed.

I am so hurt and angry and feel so used and disrespected.

F*ck him and damn him to hell for treating me this way.

Need an escape

I have been feeling so angry and negative for the last few weeks.

I believe that my sister's situation has proven to be a catalyst for the negative things that have been bogging me down to choke the joy from me.

I am so physically and emotionally drained right now.

Whereas a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world, with all sorts of energy, now I find that it is hard to get out of bed and I don't want to do anything.

I feel so tired.

Maybe I should take a trip this weekend....

Frustration is a constant companion....

I feel so angry and unappreciated. I feel so frustrated that I could scream!

I have shed a few tears and wish that I could cry more. Then, perhaps, I would have a little relief from these bitter emotions that are swimming within me.

All day long I have battled feelings of nausea brought on by a great many things including personal distress.

I decided to take the bull by the horns and contact my "bf" and asked when he would be available, preferably during the weekend for us to get together.

He told me that it was only Tuesday and that he'd have to get back in touch with me.

Does he think I'm a complete idiot?

How dare he wait to see if he can find plans before agreeing to see me.

It is clear that I need to walk away now before things get any worse.

I have been fighting with my son's dad for the last week. He's not paid a cent in the way of child support, in spite of the fact that our son is FIVE and he's currently planning a September wedding!

He's been telling me since October that he was going to begin paying the court appointed monies and I've been patient each time that he's delayed his start date.

I am so frustrated that I blew up at him.

I just want an opportunity to step away from everything for a bit and regain my perspective.

I am so unhappy right now.

So frustrated, unhappy and sad.........

After the blow up....

The last time that I went out with my "boyfriend," (yes I'm still in denial about it all----sometimes) I wound up having a major melt down.

I still have a hard time believing it even though it was almost exactly two weeks ago (it will be two weeks on Wednesday).

A lot of things have been going on that have had me stressed out to the max. My younger sister was in three accidents, totalled her second car in six months, hit someone and didn't tell us and the insurance company won't cover it....there comes ANOTHER lawsuit and has skipped 34 full days of school this semester. Simply put, she is NOT graduating high school and will possibly be not going to UC Berkeley where she's been accepted and has received a scholarship!

I have taken care of her and my other baby sister since before I was an adult so it was like finding out that my child was not going to make it.

To top all of it off, I also received a phone call from Ron and he was telling me that he had something to tell me that he could only say in person. I assumed the worst and guessed that he'd given me some terrible STD, but, he finally told me that it was not that.

It turns out that he was only using this as an excuse to try and get me to speak with and possibly see him. I had not taken his calls or communicated with him since he refused to give me a massage around my birthday.

So anyway...earlier in the week, I'd decided that I wanted to see my bf without spending the evening hanging out at his house. I also decided that the only person that I can expect to fulfill my needs is me, so, I invited him out to watch one of the playoff games at a sports bar. I figured that it was a two for the price of one deal.

I'd get to watch the Spurs and also spend some time with him.

Initially, we had a good time.....hell, I'd even go so far as to say that we were having a GREAT time.

The game was going well, he was mixing and mingling some and all was good.

Part way through the evening, I found out that it was karoke night at the place. I was not really feeling sticking around for it, but he was gung ho for it and signed up for a couple of songs.

Unfortunately, what should have been a date of a couple of hours, wound up being five plus hours spent in a damned sports bar.

I'd told him three hours into the ordeal that I was tired and ready to go. Mind you, I'd worked earlier that day and was ready to spend some time with him one one one prior to going home.

*sigh*

It was not to be....

By the fifth hour, I was tired, slightly irritated, but, holding it together.

He approached me initially to tell me that some woman had bitten him and some other guy. I immediately wanted to know who. He wouldn't tell me and was laughing about it.

I blew him off and went back to listening to people sing.

Not long after that, I look up to see some woman hanging onto him as some guy struggled to pull her off him.

It was the final straw for me.

He and I got into a disagreement because he had not told her to stop and I told him I'd leave, he said fine so I left.

I was fuming and went to my car to wait for him to come out.

He came out talked to me and tried to talk me into going back in, but, I was so furious that I could not. I told him that not only was this his fault because he'd failed to stop her, but, that we should have left hours before as I'd requested.

We eventually went back to his place where he continued to pacify me prior to our making love.

The next morning, we had a rational conversation about things and I apologized for losing it and he pointed out that he was aware that there was more to my blow up than what had taken place last night.

Although we parted on good terms, I still feel akward. I did not go to his show that weekend, nor did he ask if I was going. He went to Atlanta for a relative's graduation for a week and we sent a few text messages to each other but didn't talk on the phone.

I continued to stress myself out regarding the situation (not talking on the phone, my little sister's situation). I had my first migraine in two years and my menses which usually lasts seven full days was only three days this month.

I did not eat for most of the weekend and had body aches and felt fatigued.

When he called me on Sunday to tell me that he was back, I found myself falling back on my old habit of not really responding emotionally and I even sounded disappointed when he told me that he was back in CA (purely an accident).

I know that I am not happy right now, but, I do not know how to communicate with him that I am going through my own stuff and should probably just take a breather when we have already just finished a breather.

I suppose that my concern is that he's going to have some misguided sense of anger that I didn't call him when he was gone (he sometimes plays the insecurity card) and I don't want to deal with that.

I am having a struggle holding it together right now.

I care for him, but, I'm not ready for anything too intense.

What in the hell should I do?

New York, New Jersey....What's Next?

I recently returned from a business trip to New Jersey that was followed by a weekend in NYC.

I loved it!

I went out with co-workers from the Irvine center and we met up with some of the employees from the Basking Ridge center.

We had a blast!

The highlights of going out in NYC:

Clubs shut down at 4 or 5 in the morning

Guys love to pay

Cabs----No need to drive!

Did I mention that guys love to pay?

Lots of restaurants open even AFTER the club shuts down


I can't wait to get back out there!

Life in a Bubble

I just had a realization: I've spent the last eight years living my life in a bubble.

The thing that triggered this thought was the idea that people find long lost friends and loved ones on MySpace.

I decided that I'd give it a whirl and try and find some friends. The trouble came when I realized that there are only two or three people that I'd like to find if any.

I found one of the three people that I attempted to find.

She's not really even my speed. I just could remember her name.

As I attempted to rack my brain and think of search terms, it came to me. That profound thought that I had not made any real connections outside of sexual ones in the last eight years that I'd bother to try and cultivate.

I've spent the last ten years in a bubble.