Endings

I gave in to my weakness for his attention and saw him after being free of him for a month. The scene was not pretty and resulted in me being forced into sex against my will after I'd begged him to stop attempting to touch me and kiss me and seduce me into giving in to his will. I cried and finally gave in after realizing that it was happening and I could not not stop it as he was already inside of me.

I felt a part of me died in those moments. I had handled the situation as I should have and it was now blowing up in my face due to my desire to be with him and my hope that his feelings for me had changed. I learned in those moments how stupid I had been to hope for anything more than what was taking place. I had wasted a year on yet another person that had no vested interests in me or my well being....

I gave in to the moment and the experience was subpar because I no longer had the emotional involvement that makes a sexual experience that much better.

I fell asleep at some point and slept restlessly. The next morning I got up and told him that I'd see him later and then I caught myself and I said..."or not". I have not spoken with him since.

He sent me a text message on Thanksgiving saying "Happy Turkey Day, Turkey. Lol," and I responded with a "Ditto." I didn't hear from him until two weeks later with a "hello strager" message that I did not respond to.

As much as I am hurt by the entire situation, I have learned to accept that it will never be what I wanted and that we will not communicate again.

My "aunt" passed away today. She had been asleep in a room in my grandmother's house. My grandmother tried to rouse her for breakfast and she did not respond. She was only 61 years old and now she is gone without any fanfare..without the world having known that she was here.

This is a thankless world....

Another year....another loss

So much has transpired since my last posting.

I began a second job as a Customer Service Rep in a call center, I resumed classes for the Fall semester and I broke up with the man that I'd been dating since last November.

At the beginning of October, I went in to the urgent care center thinking that I'd had a yeast infection. It turns out that it was chlamydia. After I confronted him, he admitted that he'd cheated on me during the month that we did not talk. He claimed that it happened once and all but he could not give me a definitive answer about why and if it would not happen again.

Although I offered to work through it, ultimately, he admitted that he didn't feel that he was cut out for relationships and that he wasn't really interested in a commitment.

I dumped him a week later.

He sent me a couple of text messages a week to two weeks after the split saying that he missed me or that he was thinking of me. I intrepreted those messages as meaning that he was horny and was hoping that I'd consider continuing to sleep with him without the burden of a relationship.....*sigh*

The entire affair left me feel deeply saddened and depressed. I cared a good deal for him and would have stuck by his side. Although my rational side can see the logic in the argument that he was not meant for me and that I am better off without him, my foolish heart has missed him terribly. I have not bothered to reach out to him and I've only cried a couple of times. It is still really hard though...we split on the 17th of October. Our one year anniversary would have been the 25th of this month.

This is the third man in a row that I have dated that has cheated on me. I have made a decision to not be embittered by this. I did enjoy the time while it lasted and there is a valuable lesson that I have learned from this terrible experience...casual dating is fine in it's place, but, I am not cut out for it. I have consistently approached my dealings with men that I date as if we are in a marriage...but, they have not held the same ideas or beliefs.

Should I decide to give someone else an opportunity to get to know me, I will not bother to sleep with him unless we get married. It will save me a world of trouble. In addition to that, I'm going to cease dating for the time being.

I want to get my first Bachelor's degree so that I can afford to get a good paying job outside of the state of California. I am anxious to get out of this place. It is terribly expensive and I do not hold too many fond memories these days....

To new beginnings....

It has been ages since I have visited said blog and poured out my thoughts and feelings relating to my reality.

Things have taken a nose-dive in many regards. Work has seemingly driven me into the ground. My last paystub revealed that I worked 26 hours of overtime, three hours of double-time and missed at least 11 meals in a two week span.

In spite of the efforts, my staffing numbers were less than impressive.

To crown that off, my lack of responsibility from a few years ago finally caught up to me and I am suffering financially. I am on the brink of bankruptcy---correction, I have filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy and am a bit shell-shocked from it all.

My accounts have been frozen and therefore, my mortgage was not paid last month, nor was any thing else. My depression has been tremendous and I've been pursuing a second job in order to attempt to make ends meet.

I helped my elder sister to get a job with my current employer and she was involved in an incident while trying to prevent a fight. Unfortunately, she was painted as the aggressor by the actual aggressors and is now seriously considering submitting a resignation---as if I don't have enough problems....

I've been functioning on a minimum amount of sleep and making silly mistakes because of it. I have found myself at my wit's end and have threatened to purposefully get pregnant in order to be able to take a maternity leave! Lol.

With all of the chaos that has transpired in the last month and a half, I am inspired to work on making a fresh start.

Of course, from a financial perspective, I cannot make a fresh start until the terms of my bankruptcy are worked out next month. On the other hand, I can begin to make a list of priorities and work toward attaining smaller goals that will lead to my becoming financially stable once more.

I am definitely in need of some serious financial management education as well as budgeting. Thankfully, such education is mandatory for anyone going through the bankruptcy process. I only wish that I'd learned such concepts prior to getting into this mess.

I had a thought earlier today as I began to formulate yet another plan to implement in order to make a new beginning. That thought was that I've had countless new beginnings and they never seemed to work out. On the other hand, this is real life. We will not always succeed at every endeavor that we choose to undertake. It is essential that we never hesitate in the face of embarking on a new beginning. It is---after all, what this life is all about. Living, learning and improving.

To new beginnings...

...and Sleeping Beauty awoke to an ugly world....

It's been one more night spent anticipating a call that never came. One more day wasted hoping that he would change.

One more chance extended and not taken. One more promise broken---and for what?

There is nothing good coming from dealing with him.

Although I came to this conclusion a while ago, I've continued to sleep with him and to rebuild hope and expectations from this---liar.

I am so disappointed in myself for my stupidity and my blind hope---hope that things would actually work out like they never have in the past.

Perhaps that is the little girl in me...still wanting to believe in fairytales or at least in happy endings.

This is real life and only those that least deserve it seem to find happiness.

Good Friday

Part of my job functions are to train classes of employees as well as managers.

I have only been facilitating training classes for a little under a year.

I tend to be an introverted person, therefore, it was initially quite intimidating to get in front of groups of people and present materials.

I am proud to say that today's class went remarkably well.

Additionally, I misplaced my course outline, so, I had to do quite a bit of ad-libbing and I still managed to address all of the questions and concerns and to keep the class on track.

We finished the course on time.

What a happy Friday it was for me...

My gf called and it looks like she's in trouble....

My gf called this evening. She was calling from a park while the guy that she was supposed to spend the evening with talked with people on the other side of the street.

Feeling a bit awkward, she reached out to me in order to have "something to do" rather than feeling as if she stuck out like a sore thumb.

She also shared that a good friend of hers was angry at her because she'd stood him up the night before when they were supposed to go out dancing. She'd done it to spend more time with the same guy that she was with today. The guy, whom she admits has not been treating her with any respect or consideration lately.

I told her that she has to make the choice to end his ill treatment of her--whether that is through refusing to see him or seeing him only when he is willing to treat her in a manner that makes her feel good.

She has been dealing with this guy sexually for several months. Early on in their interactions, they agreed that the relationship would not be able to develop into much more.

He is rude to her each time that she sees him. He has blatantly flaunted other women in front of her, taken her money but, she is having trouble breaking free of him. She fears boredom and ultimately, loneliness so she is willing to be mistreated for time and attention.

It is sad that such a beautiful, intelligent young person is wasting their time in a situation like this.

My situation has been no better. The only difference is that I am choosing to not subject myself to it at this time.

Why do we choose to hurt ourselves like this?

The calls

I received a message from Ron yesterday.

He advised that he would be in town today working on his house. He also went on to say that he was giving me 24 hours notice (a reference to a previous convo. when I told him that I needed advanced notice to see anyone) and that he'd call today.

Mind you, I have not agreed to see him at any time. I have also not said that I would not see him.


It makes me angry that this is the same guy that led me on for so long and who also would not give me a desperately needed massage for my birthday.

It is apparent from his behavior that he is still seeking to use me. Each time that we have talked he's discussed massages and seeing me as if any good can come from it all.

I am still very angry with him and for this reason, I have continued to put off seeing him again.

In a way, I feel as if I have won in some sort of unspoken battle of wills.

After all, it has been over a year since I stopped seeing him.

Unfortunately, that year has not completely erased the memory of the pain that I felt when I found that he had been sleeping with another woman and that the only "us" that existed was in my head.

I am curious about why he wants to try and see me again. Is this his way of coming to terms with the decision that I made. Will he feel at peace once he realizes that he has conquered my decision to spend time with him again? Will he feel as if he's accomplished something? Or, will he instead seek to destroy my resolve to never be intimate with him or to trust him again?

Chair also left me a message last night. I did not feel strong enough to talk with him without bickering and seeming bitter.

He apologized for not calling me and said that he wanted to give me space since the passing of my grandfather.

That makes absolutely no sense to me. I think of how much I've needed to talk about anything other than death and loss and I'm grateful that I've had good friends that have helped me through this tough time.

He went on to say that his decision to give me space was no excuse considering the fact that I went out to visit him. He then stated that he misses me.

It is all too late.

A sequence of events have been set in motion and I am determined to never again let him touch the intangible parts of me.

Got a B+!

I was so afraid that I wasn't going to pass my first course for the Summer session.

Fortunately, I passed the course and I even got a B+!

I suppose that the moral to the story is that I can succeed at this education thing as long as I continue to work at it.

Btw, I didn't call yesterday either!

The dance

It is interesting how being single can be likened to participating in a dance.

There are the prospective suitors that will flit in and out of your sights....twirl you around and exit the floor.

They will hold your gaze as they smile down at you and dip you...attempting to make you

breathless with the excitement of it all. You coyly watch them from under your lashes as your

mind drifts back to another partner, another dance.....

But then you remember that it is all a game. You have no intention of dancing with this person

again. You will concentrate on the steps and hope to use them again once you've got them down

to an art....

Will....

I spoke at length with Sir William and of course, he was able to offer advice that no one else did.

His message was consistent that things are over.

However, he pointed out why and how I had the power to choose how to handle it.

He used the illustration that things were in the death throes and how I could put band-aids on

the wounds, but, it would not stop the bleeding.

If we were really in a relationship, I would not need to question it.

A man knows how to make his presence felt and he would not leave a woman that he cared

about in doubt. I guess that I needed to hear it from someone who knows how my mind works...

anyway, Sir William is in some trouble, so I pray that the letter that I put together will help.

I just pray that he pulls through on things.

I love him so...

A thought

It never occurred to me how connected we all are.

That is the best incentive for not treating others in a messed up way.

Today a cousin had to help me to fix my tires.

We never know who we will need to fall back on or forward on in times of need.

It makes me determined to be honest and try not to be hurtful when dealing with these guys.

I am going through this, perhaps, because I have walked away from at least one guy ( Paul) without offering any explanation of what the problem was.

To this day, he does not know the truth.

The same happened with Damien and now with this one.

The lesson that I was seeking has been revealed.

Even in a break up, treat others the way that you hope to be treated.

Perhaps you will get it back....perhaps not...but at least your conscience will be cleared.

Send it in a letter

I wanted to reach out because things have changed a lot lately.

In my opinion, they've changed for the worst.

We only see each other to have sex.

You no longer call or message me.

I feel that I am a burden when I do come around.

We don't hang out.

We don't have fun.

I feel like I'm being used half-heartedly.

I want to know why things have changed.

Was it something that I did?

Or was it, perhaps, something that you did?

Have you met someone else and just don't know how to tell me?

Or is that your style and you won't tell me?

Is this the way that you truly break away?

Just don't say anything...

I can accept that---I guess

I am simply asking that since I am talking with you today...

That you level with me so that I can move on with my life and no longer pine after you or attempt to remain faithful to you when I'm not seeing or hearing from you unless I initiate things.

I do not want to leave you

I do not want to lose you

But it feels as if you are already gone

Like you were gone a long time ago

Good or bad

Please tell me something

Another day has come

If today is the first day of the rest of my life...

I'm off to an effed up start! Lol

I've been woken up twice this morning...once only a few minutes after eight and just now.

This second time I was told that I will probably need to replace two tires!

I don't have the money for that. *Sigh*

I am tired...I miss him---a lot.

I tried thinking of what it was that I missed, but, other than the sex and the nice text messages, I could not figure out what I miss.

It still hurts.

I feel sad, rejected and lonely.

I tried to cry last night but I was too tired.

Do I really want to cry?

What lesson can I learn from this experience?

I want to ask what happened...what went wrong, but, he's going to try and act like I'm overreacting and I can't deal with that right now.

I just want to scream and cry....

At the end of the day...

I went to Dylan's house for breakfast this morning around 11:30am.

He finished cooking and we ate at 1:30pm.

We talked a bit and I fell asleep for a few hours.

I finally got up around 4:30 and after talking for a little bit, I signed online and talked with Paula.

We went to the Super WalMart new his house and shopped for a couple of hours before I finally dropped him off.

I went by Paula's and took her the $15 that I owed her and dinner from Carl's Jr.

I then went to Taco Bell and got myself something to eat.

Now I'm home and I've had something to fill my belly.

I feel a little sad because I miss him---you know who---but, this too shall get easier to deal with.

*sigh*

Breaking away....

So I'm not technically going on a date, however, I'm going to a guy's house this morning for him to cook me breakfast...

I need this to break away as things have plummeted with the last object of my affection.

I feel so damned depressed because I hate this part.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it....

Oh, btw, this is the start of day two.

I can't wait until I'm no longer counting!

Day one...

So I haven't called since Sunday when he didn't return my call....

But I did send him a text on Tuesday and another yesterday.

Today will be the first day that I have not made any contact.

Today marks the beginning of my letting go.

*sigh*

I recall how difficult this was with both Ron and Damien, but, I will have to endure it.

It must be....

I love men

How I love them....men.

Yet they hurt....like a shot.

Initially, they are sharp and keen---and then

....the heavy feeling sets in...

And I ache

I don't hate them, I love them so

And yet they burn

Like the flame from a candle

Illuminating my face as I gaze into its light

Oh but if only they would warm my neck and face with kisses

Stir my senses with caresses

How I do love men

But men do not love me....

Hope comes and fades

The situation is hopeless, by my estimation.

With that thought in mind, I have began to entertain getting involved with Ron again.

The trouble with that decision is obvious: he hurt me twice before and is highly likely to do so a third time were I to allow him back into my life.

I feel restless like I need to do or say something.

Yet, something else holds me back from pushing the subject. I do not want to be made to feel as if I am overreacting.

There is another part of me that realizes that perhaps I am overreacting, yet, at the same time, I know what my heart and my gut are saying.

I've been trampled on enough times to recognize this feeling....

What changed?

My bestfriend told me that although I've complained that the guy that I was seeing has changed...I have also changed.

I have decided to do an assessment to see how I have changed since meeting him. I am going to document the characteristics that I displayed initially and see if there is much of a difference now.

1. Open mind--I decided to keep an open mind despite what others were saying about him and his circumstances.
2. Expectations--I placed no expectations on him as I was still trying to get over Damien. I simply stated what I was seeking--nothing that was just sex and left it at that (after the first few days of agonizing that he'd told everyone about my late night visit).
3. Take him at his word--I decided that I would trust him and take him at his word---in spite of the rumors and what others said. This was what I would do so that I could sleep at night without stressing myself out.
4. Positive--I always had a positive attitude and nice things to say. I was feeling positive about things in general and it showed.
5. Openly affectionate--I was openly affectionate with him and expressed my desire for him without hesitation.
6. Communication--I was less verbally forthcoming about my feelings for him.
7. Available--I was often readily available to talk to him whenever he called and wanted to see me.
8. Fun--I had fun when I was with him and looked forward to spending time with him in order to have fun.
9. Spontaneous--I was spontaneous when it came to spending time with him.
10. Options--I had other options and was with him because I wanted to be---not because I felt that I had to be.
    

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

was the day that he finally passed.

It was a hard 24 hours as the full magnitude of what happened hit us all.

He will be missed for years to come....