All By Myself.....

He called last night and eventually I was compelled to tell him quite frankly that I did not want to sleep with him. The problem that I have is that he believes that I am sleeping with someone else and I did not want to give him that impression.

I wound up calling him twice and he didn't answer my calls. I sent two text messages that he will not respond to.

I know that I am better off without him, but, for now, I feel bad and I feel sad as if I've done something wrong. The thing about it is that it really does not matter. He made it clear that he thinks of me and wants sex and he also asked for me to get him gifts and provide him with something to eat. Not once did he tell me what he would do for me.

I AM better off without him....

*sigh* if only I actually felt that way.....

On a brighter note, I'm going to shop tomorrow and will probably drive to Stockton to see the comedy show. I am sure that I will have a good time.

It has been challenging to do without having someone, but, not impossible. I am grateful that the sun is shining brightly today and that I have been able to see my dad.

I am truly fortunate :)

BTW...I sent messages out to everyone....including Ron

We shall see if he will bother to respond

The old one called too

Last night when I was at the comedy show. I missed the call and he left no message.

His birthday is early next month. What is it that could have compelled him to call me with his BS?

I wonder what it is that he thinks about when he finally decides to call. *sigh*

I did not call him back, of course.

I DID speak with Damien the other day. He told me that he hasn't seen my face in a while and he would like to see me. He wanted to know how everything has been and he told me that he misses me. Twice he mentioned how he wished that he could show me just how much he has missed me..but, that is not allowed. I merely laughed him off.

So he is testing to see how serious I am about cutting off the sex....*why can't they ever be original?*

It seems to me that everyone I know, with the exception of Paula...ok, maybe all of the guys that I know, are getting involved in relationships.

Here I am...in the same place, but, at least the rest of my life is going relatively well with regard to my trying to better myself.

I guess that I should feel grateful that at least I'm not involved with some loser trying to bring me down....

The Phone Rang Yesterday....

and it was him.

He called....this is familiar. The other....older one did this as well.

He calls after a few weeks of not hearing from him. He has given me sufficient time to agonize over the loss of contact with him and to also come to my senses. After all, he hadn't done anything, right? I was feeling overwrought when I made the decision to cut him out of my bed, if not my life. Perhaps this time apart had allowed me to see reason. :)

At least...that's what HE thinks.

The message on my cell indicates that I've recently replaced my phone and have no one's phone number so please leave a message with both your area code and phone number.

He left a message calling me "Sweetie"...typically I've been "Sexy"....I guess it's "Sweetie" when he's trying to grace me with his presence after pulling a disappearing act. Anyway, so, he tells "Sweetie" who it is that is calling and that he wants to check on her to make sure everything's been ok. And if it hasn't?

So he gives his number twice and hangs up.

That was yesterday afternoon.

I have no returned the call. I am not sure what I could say to him but I know that I am not ready to say anything in particular, so, I should call, if I call, when I have my thoughts clear. I don't know that there is anything else worth saying.

He made it clear, by his silence for the last three weeks, that he did not want my friendship after I told him that I could not sleep with him anymore.

What more is there to say other than....

Soul sigh

It never ceases to amaze me how easily men move on and as a woman, I feel like I am on hold. I want to call him and there is nothing to say. You know, I'm certain that he does not agonize over such things, but, I am doing that. It is very self destructive and it makes me feel sad.

Bored

It's Sunday afternoon. Slightly overcast outside and extremely boring inside. I wonder what I can do to make myself feel alive when I am in this house. Is it the junk? Does that keep me from feeling as if I'm out of touch with reality when I'm surrounded by these four walls? Would the solution be getting rid of the imprisonment that my clutter yields?

Why Did He Call? Was It Really Him?

I had to replace my phone the following day. The good news is that I did not have to pay for it. The bad news is that my phone book was not transferred due to some sort of damage to it so.....I wound up with a message on my phone's voicemail stating that my phone book is gone and I have to have people leave a message if they want me to reach them.

It's worked out well. They are all out of my phone. I have only replaced Sir William and Bright's cousin. He (the cousin) called today, but, didn't say anything. It's my guess that someone was on his phone and curious about whose number was in there and they called. It doesn't seem to be his style to call and not say anything. That's sort of weird and I've been semi-obsessing over a desire to call and talk to him, but, there is truly nothing left to say.

I've talked to the guy that I met last weekend a few times this week and we've got plans to get together next weekend.

I've also agreed to the Sat. following Thanksgiving with another guy. We will see how that works out.

I have a text messaging buddy here in Sac that I might meet this week. I'm not sure that I am all that anxious to meet him as it's raining and my hair's a mess. *yawn*

Deleting the phone book

It has never been more apparent that the people in my phone book aren't shit than it is now. Last night i was lost in Oakland (long story short, my best friend was supposed to be dropped off there to see the dude she's screwing while I went out dancing with a guy from Martinez). The dude that my best friend was going to hang with wasn't answering his phone and we got lost so we began calling the people in our phone books that lived in the bay for directions. I can understand people not answering their phones last night, but, I didn't receive a single call in return today either.

I called Ron, the Original Bright, Bright's cousin and Sir William. Sir William is the only one who called me back. The rest of them don't give a damn enough to even try and help me out. That's BS.

I have now twice attempted to delete Ron from my cell phone and it has frozen up and won't respond. I had to remove my battery to even get the phone to unfreeze and after restarting it twice, it powered back on and he was still listed as a contact. This is too much!

What a Lovesick Person is Really Capable of

Ok. I am sad and depressed and wanting to cry over that guy. I did a Google search on blogs from the lovesick and came up with this article indicating what a lovesick person is really capable of....how sad.

How To Lose a Guy in One Day

I have finally figured it out, to my chagrin! Having grown weary of the merry-go-round of dealing with Damien, I finally concluded that the way to keep my sanity would be to cut off the physical aspect of the relationship.

I spoke with him, after having called and gone off about nothing in particular, and told him that while I care for him a good deal, I cannot retain my objectivity with the relationship's status being what it is---thus in order to deal with him in a more fair manner, I felt that it would be best if I no longer slept with him. He acted surprised, but, when I went over the reasons ( 1) we have no established commitments to each other and are each in literally separate places doing only heaven knows what 2) he's made it clear that I could not rely on anything more coming of things from the beginning of our acquaintanceship 3) I have found myself growing more negative in my dealings with him due to my increasing frustration with the relationship status, 4) he has made it clear that I cannot rely on him for anything not even including a phone call), he gave me the "all I can do is respect your feelings" line and claimed that his phone was dying and that he'd call me back. We had went through my trying to talk with him about this a couple of times and I finally fell asleep with the knowledge that he was pretty much done and would not be calling back for a summarization of the convo.

I feel disgusted, sad and slightly hurt that he does not value me the way that I value him. He never even bothered to pretend to object. He likely figures that the bottom line is that he won't be getting any and there's really nothing else to discuss because he is not going to commit to one woman.

I believe that there is really nothing more that I could say to him or even that I should say, but, I feel compelled to call him back. It's not like I have not been down this road before, I will just have to look at it from this perspective: Unlike the situation with Ron, this guy was honest from the start that he was not looking for anything that would require a commitment on his part and he has not had sex with me and told me during sex that I was the only person that he was sleeping with! On the other hand, I know that I am not viewing him as a casual fling anymore, thus, I am becoming this ultra negative person when I deal with him by phone and I don't like that either.

As I pointed out to him, it seems to me that most of the people he deals with approach him with their hands out and wanting to something. I don't want to be another one of those people who is seeking to take something from him. In order for me to be a person who is giving to him and enriching his life through our acquaintanceship, I have to back off in the physical regard.

I am sad, almost on the verge of tears as I sit here exhausted. I feel as if I'm chopped off my own nose, but, I must consider the fact that while he is by far the best in bed that I've been with in many respects, so was Ron. If I managed to happen upon that one, it is likely that I will have no trouble finding yet another man who is a great lay with a lot less drama.

Until then, I guess it's back to the old drawing board.....*sigh*

Tired on a Saturday night

So I've heard nothing else from Bright's cousin. Why does it not surprise me? I feel hurt and angry and these feelings are not new to me. I don't understand why I continue to do this to myself. Perhaps I've developed a penchant for pain. I think that it's that I am desperate to feel connected to someone else. I am anxious to feel wanted, desired and loved. For those reasons, I've continued to subject myself to this abuse or neglect or whatever one wants to call it.

It is Saturday night. I sent him a couple of text messages earlier this week and I have not received a single response. He will want to reach out to me the week after next when he wants something from me and I will be weak enough to respond.

A part of me wants to call him and formally let him know that I will not put up with this treatment and that I am through with him. It is pointless. It will not make any difference to him. He will simply use some other woman for the things that he has been using me for.

There is no need to communicate with him further. It hurts too much to speak to him. Does any of this sound familiar? I am so tired of going through the same bullshit with different men. I am fed up with these feelings. I want so much to find someone that I am happy with, but, that is not to be....

We do it all the time....

He came out on Saturday night after several hours of telling me that he was coming and not showing up. He actually got to my house at 4:19 a.m.

I was angry and hurt and felt like I wanted to write him off for good. Of course, that did not happen. But rather, I was swept into his arms where he held me for several moments before releasing me.

We later went to bed....

The next day, I told him about the comment that he'd made about wanting a lady and he apologized again. He asked me what I wanted after I told him that I was trying to address his wants and I told him that I want a man that I don't have to point obvious things out to. He told me that he knows what I want and I asked him why he asked me if he knew.

Nothing was resolved.

I ache for him at times and despise him at others. It is all a bunch of unnecessary bickering on my part. I feel that I want him desperately in spite of the fact that I can admit that he is not the right person for me. *sigh*

I suppose that I am afraid of a relationship and that is why I so actively persue guys like him. After the experience with Ron, I am just not ready to trust anyone again.....

I hadn't thought of that until now. I am not ready to trust anyone right now. Perhaps I should meditate on that one.

Party and Bullsh*t

Went to a party at Miss M's earlier this evening. It was nice to hang out with a bunch of people and shoot the breeze on a variety of topics. King Kong (that's Bright's cousin) called and told me that he was on his way into Sacramento. I told him to give me a call when he got here. This was around nine thirty....by 12:41, he still hasn't put in an appearance.

Now mind you, I called him before I got into the shower at eleven and he told me that he'd swing by my house...again, no show.

I have had a quite a bit of time to evaluate my reasons for wanting to get into anything serious with him and I find that my motives are impure. I think that it would be wonderful to have someone to share my time with, but, truthfully, we have so little in common. Our goals are not the same and our lifestyles are completely different. Granted, it would be a boost to my ego to have someone that I am so sexually satisfied with want to take it to the next level, but, it is glaringly apparent that this will not be a good fit for either of us.

It bugs me that he doesn't mind not keeping his word when he tells me that he will call or that he will show up. Perhaps it is a little thing to him, but, it is a pet peeve of mine. I like to be consistent in that area and I respect a person who is the same way.

It is now close to one in the morning and I am torn between wanting to wait up and knowing that I should go to bed because it's unlikely that he will put in an appearance. Even if he does...what would be the point? All that we could do would be to screw and truthfully speaking, I don't think it's worth it. I'm not feeling particularly aroused and I'd much rather sleep tonight.

It's been decided. I am going to log off the computer and get a little sleep. There is much to be done tomorrow....

Cheating

The Saturday prior to my trip to New Orleans, I received an online note from a relatively cute young man. We exchanged several notes and finally I inquired about how he was able to manage as he seemed to be a single father who had an unusually active role in the lives of his children. I asked a leading question about whether or not he had relatives nearby and he admitted that he did and that he lived with the mother of one of his children. He went on to say that they were "technically" a couple (his word) and that they were having problems.

I immediately offered my condolences and some advice on how to help patch things up. Every convo that we have had thereafter (all communication has been online and through these notes) has been about ways to make her feel happier with him so that they get back on track. We haven't gone into any details but I suggested that he buy out some time for just the two of them, recommended a sweet song to have her listen to, etc.

Tonight he finally admitted that the problem is that he wants more sex and she does not seem to want it. I offered some advice there and he said that the stuff sounded positive but time consuming and that he has been thinking of getting a "friend on the side" (again---HIS words) who will accomodate his needs without a problem.

I wrote back and told him that he should not do it because he is better than that and that if he wants to sleep with someone else, he needs to break things off. They do have a child, after all, he doesn' t want to create additional causes of friction in his dealings with the mother of his child.

It only stands to reason that he has been thinking of this from the very start which is why he initially contacted me as if he were someone who might be available.

The whole thing got me thinking about why men cheat.

I know that there is no blanket response for the question, but, according to AskMen.com,
there are ten major reasons that men cheat.

Some of them are absolutely disgusting such as: women let them, the opportunity was there, they are not attracted to her anymore.....*sigh*

If this is the state of the dating scene, it's terrifying. Do we as a people value each other so much that we are willing to discard a relationship for a temporary rush?

It is all very disappointing.

Things never really change

Why did Bright call me this evening and told me that he's with someone? Of course, he didn't just say it, but rather after shooting the shit for a little bit, he casually threw in there that he was kicking it with a lady friend. When I finally acknowledged it by saying so you're with someone now, eh? He admitted it and we discussed how long they've known each other and how they've been really kicking it for the last month or so.

I don't understand the desire to call me in Sacramento to tell me this. I don't understand what sort of response he was seeking, but, certainly, I was not willing to go off and get all upset about the fact that he was obviously not holding himself out for me. *sigh*

Why in the hell do I always manage to get into this sort of situation with someone? If I am not the friend who wants more, I wind up with a bunch of friends that I don't want either way.

I should feel insulted, but, after a weekend of coming to terms for the millionth time in the last 16 months that a man isn't going to be mine that I want, I am certainly used to this crap.

Pennies for my thoughts...

I am lonely. I am lonely, but, I cannot continue to do things as I have been doing them. I cannot continue to deal with Damien nor get involved with Ron again. These sort of interactions are negative at best.

Damien does not value me. That is apparent in the way that he does not call me on a regular basis, he only returns my messages about half of the time and he has on more than one occasion asked me for something while offering nothing in return. He is dealing with me because it is convenient and requires almost no effort on his part.

Ron contacts me every now and again in an effort to feel me out. I have a history, you see, of writing him off and accepting him back with open arms and legs (of which he is fully aware). This fact incenses me because it is unethical to deal with someone who has expectations that one does not intend to meet, but, I recognize this to be the truth. Whether it is ethical or not is not to be debated.

He hopes that we will sleep together again and that things will go back to what was "normal" for us. He will see me and screw me when he wants to and I will blindly accept it and this time understand that this is the way that things will be.

I am so tired and disillusioned with life in general, much less men. I have managed, to develop a pattern of trying to accomodate and "help" the people that I have shared my body with. This is both stupid and only results in my being hurt and angry. I have a tendency to attract opportunists and liars.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I have decided that it is time for me to jump ship. I am disgusted with the state of my "love life" and I am ready to bring things to a halt.

I asked a friend what I should do to get rid of the people in my life when they surface and he said to tell them "it's been good, but, it's over" and leave it at that. He also stated that if I really want a relationship, I must be willing to sacrifice for it. What did he mean? Well....if I am serious about wanting something of substance, I've got to be willing to stop having sex early in the game and focus on getting to know the person. If he is worthwhile, he will be willing to wait.

I am tired of feeling used and unappreciated. I feel that it is worth trying another method, because the being honest about my feelings while doing what my body wishes routine is not working.

Frank told me that he always deletes his text messages. I think that that is a good idea. I don't need to hold onto the evidence that at one moment in time, this person communicated with me. I will begin by deleting my text messages. *sigh*

I really am disappointed in myself and with the way that things have worked. I feel as if I should have seen this from the start. I suppose that the only consolation that I have is that better to learn something from this experience than to continue to believe-----anything that any of these bastards have to say.

As one door closes, I feel the breeze from the open window....

I used one of those people finder services a couple of weeks ago to locate my biological father. They provided a phone number and an address, but, they could not guarantee 100% that it was him. I called the number and left a message on the answering machine (it was the default message). I said my name and gave my number and stated that I was trying to reach him. I said that if this was the wrong number to also please call back.

I have not heard anything and it has been about five hours. I am uncertain what to think or if I will hear anything back.

I feel tired and slightly depressed. I will be leaving for New Orleans on Monday morning and I feel stressed that I have a few small fires to put out prior to leaving my desk for a week....

Bright's cousin and I talked earlier in the week. I told him that I like him a lot and he went on to say that he hasn't been feeling much love lately and that he wants a "lady" in his life. He said that what we have is good but it's---open.

I told him that he told me that he did not want a relationship and he initially denied it and then told me that he was getting a call and could he call me back. Of course, he never did.

Almost immediately, I sent a thinking of you text to Ron and never got a response back.

When I called Bright's cousin the next day, we talked again for a little bit and then he pulled the same thing.

I called him yesterday and left a message and then I sent a text message last night. No response. I called this morning and got the voicemail and then the same thing the second time. I think that his phone was cut off later in the morning.

I don't know what to make of the situation but I am tired of being in this position with the men that I deal with. It makes me feel like I should not bother with anyone at all....

I am tired and full of nervous energy. In regard to the situation with my father, I have done what I can. Whether or not this is the correct information, I will have done what I could and I can try and lay this area of my life to rest.

Bright's cousin is full of shit. I think that I have done everything that I could to be honest about the way that I feel. I can do and say no more. I will not call him again and I have no intentions of speaking with him or seeing him again.

PQ spoke with Crazy. He was convinced that it was me talking to him in spite of the fact that she identified herself. He maintained that he would continue to call me regardless of the fact that I asked him to stop. He called several times before saying that he would not call again. Finally, he left a message saying to judge him based on his merit, not on what has happened in the past if I happen to see him applying for a job.

He then called me at four in the morning. I did not answer.

I am going to clear my call logs on Sunday night and I will not be calling any of them any more.

I got the job!

I got the job at the wireless company that I have been temping at for the last month and a half or so.

I interviewed with the Area Director on Wednesday and at the conclusion of my interview, she offered me the job! In addition to that, she offered me my goal salary for 2006-$40,000.00. I am ecstatic!

I will be going to New Orleans for business this month (9/25-9/28) and I am stoked!

While my "love life" has been on the fritz for at least the last year or two, I am working toward and meeting many of my professional and academic goals.

I suppose that I may never find anyone with whom I can relate and share a great passion. If that turns out to be the truth, I will have to accept it and try and see the silver linings for the gray skies in my mind. :)

My best friend and I have been talking for a couple of weeks now and it made me reflect the other day. We are both maturing in some ways and also healing. She has been so busy with the hair braiding that she has not got as much time to focus on the areas of her life that she cannot control, such as finding a suitable partner. I know that the desire to have someone who cares for her and she for them has not been diminished by her increased activities (she's back in school as well and three classes away from her AA degree!), but it has certainly helped her to feel better overall.

It pleases me that we can be busy with good work that is honorable and helps us to feel more whole.

So it shall be done....

He finally took my calls the Tuesday or Wednesday following our conversation, but, things were no longer the same. He claimed that he was not upset with me but I could feel the difference in our interactions. He was calculated now and aloof.

He claimed that he would try and get out here to see me but it has not happened. After that week, he has called a few times, but he no longer leaves a voicemail. I have sent him text messages and he no longer responds.

There is little reason to give it my attention any longer. The thing about it is that just about from the very beginning, I realized that he was trouble and that I should not deal with him. Once I'd sampled from the figurative Tree of Knowledge, however, I was unable to eat and be satisfied anyplace else.

So he has turned his attentions to other people and other things. It is for the best. I don't believe that I had the strength to walk away from him even though I knew that he was bad for me.

I can be grateful then, that he is doing this, because ultimately, he is not the one for me. If he were, he would not do the things that he has done because the thought of losing me would bother him enough for him to communicate with me and compell him to try and see me.

He makes my stomach ache....

For the second week in a row I've managed to piss someone off that I actually give a damn about. Ick!

Bright's cousin was on his way into town and called me on Sunday night. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was about to get into the shower. This lead to a comment about was I ready to take a shower with him and I told him no. When he asked why, I told him that I had only showered with two men before and I could not jump into that with him.

I know...to many it would not make sense. It seems like an intimate act to me. While I've had sex with this guy on several occasions, I cannot cross this bridge lightly, especially with a house filled with my relatives while on my period.

Rather than just telling him that, I wound up using my typical defense mechanism of offering an offhanded reason that is only part of the truth that winds up sounding a little f*cked up.

He wound up telling me that he didn't need to know all of that because it has nothing to do with him and while he was trying to get together with me, I went all sentimental on him and told him that I wasn't interested in seeing him (which I told him was not true, but, he was pissed by this time). His phone wound up cutting out and I left him a message to call me back and took my shower.

During the shower, it occurred to me that I might have actually hurt his feelings and that at best, it was disrespectful on my part to go there with him. I decided that I'd call him and apologize. After several attempts, I got in touch with him and his first response was "I'm going to let you get some rest." I told him that it occurred to me that what I'd said was really disrespectful and I apologized for my comment. I told him that he was right and that I would not want for him to say the things that I had said. He said ok and told me that he'd call me later.

Later came and went...
During the night I reassured myself that later to men is not necessarily within a couple of hours. He did not call me the next day. I sent a text message to find out if he was angry with me and if so, would he allow for me to make it up to him. I got no response back. Finally I called him and asked if he was angry with me and he said he's too busy with real concerns to be angry (that statement is a little telling, don't you think) and asked where was I. When I mentioned that I was at work, he told me to call him when I got home.

I called him when I got home as I was making my bed (I'd washed my bedding) and he asked what I was doing and told me that he was busy trying to make some money so he'd call me back in a minute.

Several hours later when I got ready to go to sleep I sent him a text message that stated that he should be safe and have a great week and I'd talk to him later. I got no response back.

I am going crazy!

I am feeling almost frantic because I want to see him and I want to be assured that he isn't going to just say "f*ck it" with regard to seeing me, but, at the same time, I don't want to go all stalkerish on him either.

I did what I felt was right, given the situation. I apologized. I also stated that sense the error was on my part, I'd like to rectify the situation. I cannot force him to accept my apology. Nor can I force him to see or to talk with me. *sigh*

I must fall back on the lessons that I've had to learn over the last two years or so.

The Trouble with Friends...

My bestfriend is pissed at me for talking on the phone with a man from her past. She reunited with him recently after they lost touch for a few years. I think that he could be considered her "first love," and I can understand her being pissed.

I think that if I were to find that someone close to me were talking on the phone with someone that I was interested in whether it was now or in the past, I'd be furious too. The thing that bothers me about the situation is that I feel as if I dropped the ball and so does she.

I don't know if he took the phone from her or if it was handed to him, but, I said no. I did not want to talk with him, I had been speaking with her. I expected that he would give her the phone at any minute, but, it didn't happen.

I assumed that she was in the same room with him, so as the conversation lengthened, I assumed that we had her blessing. The conversation had gone on for quite some time before he mentioned that she had fallen asleep.

I was tired myself and had drifted off a few times, so, I should have said at that time that I was going to have to let him go. I did not do that and that's where the problem begins. I remember thinking that I'd need to get off the phone, but, I honestly couldn't get a word in edge-wise. That doesn't excuse it, but, that's what happened.

I should have reacted differently and I didn't. I really cannot say why other than that I was tired and he was talking so fast and I thought that I would chime in once the conversation lapsed.

I should not have been put on the phone with him, that's true enough. She knows that I dislike that immensely, but, at the same time, I should have requested that the conversation end a lot sooner than it did.

The only thing that I could come up with was that I was tired. A good portion of the conversation was spent listening to him go on about various topics that were of interest like financing his business and managing his business. There was discussion of education and financing that, raising his child and supporting his sister. These were all things that she had shared with me, but, now the details of how he managed to do it came to light.

I am in a situation where I am unhappy with what I've got and I am honestly interested in trying to find solutions to changing my circumstances. It is of interest to me to figure out how to finance starting a business, completing my education, trying to do a better job at raising my son. These are things that I am hungry for practical advice about.

I talked with him about topics such as these because they are important and it sounded like he might be able to offer some insight that I had never taken into consideration.

If I had it to do again, I would have refused to engage in the conversation. I did not end it on the note feeling that I wanted to meet him or anything like that.

I am shocked and afraid that my longtime friend believes that I do though. I can understand her being furious, but, she should also realize that I would never have the slightest interest in someone that she was with or had been with.