So I put it in a Letter...

I panicked and sent him a long long letter on Tuesday morning. I was then afraid of what his response would be.

I did not get a phone call, nor had he responded to my message by that evening, so, I called him and asked him if he'd read my letter (the letter was a two page Word document, mind you) but I'd sent it to him on MySpace.

He told me that he had not checked his messages that day and so I asked him if he'd like to see a movie the next day and he agreed.

He asked me what the letter was saying and I told him that it said everything that he wouldn't allow me to say to him in person. He laughed and told me "here we go again with that." I told him that he should have listened to me and that I could have probably summed it up in five sentences but that it was a fairly lengthy letter.

I then asked him if he'd like to see a movie on Wednesday evening and he agreed.

We had this convo around 7:25 pm.

He'd called me by 8:01 pm and wanted to know what it was and why I wasn't answering my phone.

I hadn't received his call as I was having dinner and getting ready to attend a poetry reading.

He called back a couple of times while I was at the reading, but, I was too nervous to take his call.

A part of me was afraid to hear what he would say while the other was anxious to know where we stood.

When I finally got in from the reading, it was a little after one in the morning.

I logged onto MySpace and read his response which was "oh what the hell, let's give it a try."

I was all excited and nervous and felt that the stress had been lifted from my shoulders.

After having been stressed and depressed for close to 48 hours straight, I'd finally be able to get some sleep!

He called me soon after and I asked him if he'd read the letter and he said that he had. I didn't tell him that I'd read his response.

He wanted me to come down and said that it was an emergency. I said that I couldn't because I had to teach a class the next day, (Wednesday) and I had a career fair. We were scheduled to see a movie on Wednesday night, so, I told him that I'd see him then.

We were supposed to see 300, but I was late so we wound up seeing GhostRider. The movie was so cheesy that we had to laugh at it.

After the movie, he asked if I was interested in doing something else or if I just wanted to go the house. I told him that I was up to go do something else. We finally agreed on going to shoot pool.

We played a game and he thoroughly kicked my ass but I had a good time. I then encouraged him to play with some guys that were waiting to use the table who would pose more of a challenge.

At one point he pulled me down into his lap and told me to kiss him. I complied and he said to me "You love you some big daddy don't you?" and I said "I think that I've said enough, don't you agree? You haven't said anything." He looked me in the eyes, just as sober as a judge and said to me, "I love you, Miss V." Just like that.

I wanted to ask him why, but, I didn't think that it was the appropriate thing to do. After all, I was quite curious. Earlier that week he denied ever having said it all. Now he was saying it to me and leaving little room for doubt.

Lost

I told him that he was the n*gga that I was fucking...and I talked on the phone to Paula about different experiences and he was in the room and even when he'd asked me what we were I didn't answer and now...now I think that I've lost him for good and I feel like shit.

No More "I love you's"

I noticed that he hasn't said or text "I love you" or "love ya" since the "incident".

It occurred to the me other day after a friend had sent me a message with "love ya" and I laughed and said something about not starting that crap again.

I wonder what it all means, other than of course, the obvious. He has been deterred or perhaps he realizes that it will not work with me.

Loss

My close friend lost his father yesterday.

He actually found him. It is tearing him up inside and it hurts to see him suffer as he is.