Deleting the phone book

It has never been more apparent that the people in my phone book aren't shit than it is now. Last night i was lost in Oakland (long story short, my best friend was supposed to be dropped off there to see the dude she's screwing while I went out dancing with a guy from Martinez). The dude that my best friend was going to hang with wasn't answering his phone and we got lost so we began calling the people in our phone books that lived in the bay for directions. I can understand people not answering their phones last night, but, I didn't receive a single call in return today either.

I called Ron, the Original Bright, Bright's cousin and Sir William. Sir William is the only one who called me back. The rest of them don't give a damn enough to even try and help me out. That's BS.

I have now twice attempted to delete Ron from my cell phone and it has frozen up and won't respond. I had to remove my battery to even get the phone to unfreeze and after restarting it twice, it powered back on and he was still listed as a contact. This is too much!

What a Lovesick Person is Really Capable of

Ok. I am sad and depressed and wanting to cry over that guy. I did a Google search on blogs from the lovesick and came up with this article indicating what a lovesick person is really capable of....how sad.

How To Lose a Guy in One Day

I have finally figured it out, to my chagrin! Having grown weary of the merry-go-round of dealing with Damien, I finally concluded that the way to keep my sanity would be to cut off the physical aspect of the relationship.

I spoke with him, after having called and gone off about nothing in particular, and told him that while I care for him a good deal, I cannot retain my objectivity with the relationship's status being what it is---thus in order to deal with him in a more fair manner, I felt that it would be best if I no longer slept with him. He acted surprised, but, when I went over the reasons ( 1) we have no established commitments to each other and are each in literally separate places doing only heaven knows what 2) he's made it clear that I could not rely on anything more coming of things from the beginning of our acquaintanceship 3) I have found myself growing more negative in my dealings with him due to my increasing frustration with the relationship status, 4) he has made it clear that I cannot rely on him for anything not even including a phone call), he gave me the "all I can do is respect your feelings" line and claimed that his phone was dying and that he'd call me back. We had went through my trying to talk with him about this a couple of times and I finally fell asleep with the knowledge that he was pretty much done and would not be calling back for a summarization of the convo.

I feel disgusted, sad and slightly hurt that he does not value me the way that I value him. He never even bothered to pretend to object. He likely figures that the bottom line is that he won't be getting any and there's really nothing else to discuss because he is not going to commit to one woman.

I believe that there is really nothing more that I could say to him or even that I should say, but, I feel compelled to call him back. It's not like I have not been down this road before, I will just have to look at it from this perspective: Unlike the situation with Ron, this guy was honest from the start that he was not looking for anything that would require a commitment on his part and he has not had sex with me and told me during sex that I was the only person that he was sleeping with! On the other hand, I know that I am not viewing him as a casual fling anymore, thus, I am becoming this ultra negative person when I deal with him by phone and I don't like that either.

As I pointed out to him, it seems to me that most of the people he deals with approach him with their hands out and wanting to something. I don't want to be another one of those people who is seeking to take something from him. In order for me to be a person who is giving to him and enriching his life through our acquaintanceship, I have to back off in the physical regard.

I am sad, almost on the verge of tears as I sit here exhausted. I feel as if I'm chopped off my own nose, but, I must consider the fact that while he is by far the best in bed that I've been with in many respects, so was Ron. If I managed to happen upon that one, it is likely that I will have no trouble finding yet another man who is a great lay with a lot less drama.

Until then, I guess it's back to the old drawing board.....*sigh*

Tired on a Saturday night

So I've heard nothing else from Bright's cousin. Why does it not surprise me? I feel hurt and angry and these feelings are not new to me. I don't understand why I continue to do this to myself. Perhaps I've developed a penchant for pain. I think that it's that I am desperate to feel connected to someone else. I am anxious to feel wanted, desired and loved. For those reasons, I've continued to subject myself to this abuse or neglect or whatever one wants to call it.

It is Saturday night. I sent him a couple of text messages earlier this week and I have not received a single response. He will want to reach out to me the week after next when he wants something from me and I will be weak enough to respond.

A part of me wants to call him and formally let him know that I will not put up with this treatment and that I am through with him. It is pointless. It will not make any difference to him. He will simply use some other woman for the things that he has been using me for.

There is no need to communicate with him further. It hurts too much to speak to him. Does any of this sound familiar? I am so tired of going through the same bullshit with different men. I am fed up with these feelings. I want so much to find someone that I am happy with, but, that is not to be....

We do it all the time....

He came out on Saturday night after several hours of telling me that he was coming and not showing up. He actually got to my house at 4:19 a.m.

I was angry and hurt and felt like I wanted to write him off for good. Of course, that did not happen. But rather, I was swept into his arms where he held me for several moments before releasing me.

We later went to bed....

The next day, I told him about the comment that he'd made about wanting a lady and he apologized again. He asked me what I wanted after I told him that I was trying to address his wants and I told him that I want a man that I don't have to point obvious things out to. He told me that he knows what I want and I asked him why he asked me if he knew.

Nothing was resolved.

I ache for him at times and despise him at others. It is all a bunch of unnecessary bickering on my part. I feel that I want him desperately in spite of the fact that I can admit that he is not the right person for me. *sigh*

I suppose that I am afraid of a relationship and that is why I so actively persue guys like him. After the experience with Ron, I am just not ready to trust anyone again.....

I hadn't thought of that until now. I am not ready to trust anyone right now. Perhaps I should meditate on that one.

Party and Bullsh*t

Went to a party at Miss M's earlier this evening. It was nice to hang out with a bunch of people and shoot the breeze on a variety of topics. King Kong (that's Bright's cousin) called and told me that he was on his way into Sacramento. I told him to give me a call when he got here. This was around nine thirty....by 12:41, he still hasn't put in an appearance.

Now mind you, I called him before I got into the shower at eleven and he told me that he'd swing by my house...again, no show.

I have had a quite a bit of time to evaluate my reasons for wanting to get into anything serious with him and I find that my motives are impure. I think that it would be wonderful to have someone to share my time with, but, truthfully, we have so little in common. Our goals are not the same and our lifestyles are completely different. Granted, it would be a boost to my ego to have someone that I am so sexually satisfied with want to take it to the next level, but, it is glaringly apparent that this will not be a good fit for either of us.

It bugs me that he doesn't mind not keeping his word when he tells me that he will call or that he will show up. Perhaps it is a little thing to him, but, it is a pet peeve of mine. I like to be consistent in that area and I respect a person who is the same way.

It is now close to one in the morning and I am torn between wanting to wait up and knowing that I should go to bed because it's unlikely that he will put in an appearance. Even if he does...what would be the point? All that we could do would be to screw and truthfully speaking, I don't think it's worth it. I'm not feeling particularly aroused and I'd much rather sleep tonight.

It's been decided. I am going to log off the computer and get a little sleep. There is much to be done tomorrow....

Cheating

The Saturday prior to my trip to New Orleans, I received an online note from a relatively cute young man. We exchanged several notes and finally I inquired about how he was able to manage as he seemed to be a single father who had an unusually active role in the lives of his children. I asked a leading question about whether or not he had relatives nearby and he admitted that he did and that he lived with the mother of one of his children. He went on to say that they were "technically" a couple (his word) and that they were having problems.

I immediately offered my condolences and some advice on how to help patch things up. Every convo that we have had thereafter (all communication has been online and through these notes) has been about ways to make her feel happier with him so that they get back on track. We haven't gone into any details but I suggested that he buy out some time for just the two of them, recommended a sweet song to have her listen to, etc.

Tonight he finally admitted that the problem is that he wants more sex and she does not seem to want it. I offered some advice there and he said that the stuff sounded positive but time consuming and that he has been thinking of getting a "friend on the side" (again---HIS words) who will accomodate his needs without a problem.

I wrote back and told him that he should not do it because he is better than that and that if he wants to sleep with someone else, he needs to break things off. They do have a child, after all, he doesn' t want to create additional causes of friction in his dealings with the mother of his child.

It only stands to reason that he has been thinking of this from the very start which is why he initially contacted me as if he were someone who might be available.

The whole thing got me thinking about why men cheat.

I know that there is no blanket response for the question, but, according to AskMen.com,
there are ten major reasons that men cheat.

Some of them are absolutely disgusting such as: women let them, the opportunity was there, they are not attracted to her anymore.....*sigh*

If this is the state of the dating scene, it's terrifying. Do we as a people value each other so much that we are willing to discard a relationship for a temporary rush?

It is all very disappointing.

Things never really change

Why did Bright call me this evening and told me that he's with someone? Of course, he didn't just say it, but rather after shooting the shit for a little bit, he casually threw in there that he was kicking it with a lady friend. When I finally acknowledged it by saying so you're with someone now, eh? He admitted it and we discussed how long they've known each other and how they've been really kicking it for the last month or so.

I don't understand the desire to call me in Sacramento to tell me this. I don't understand what sort of response he was seeking, but, certainly, I was not willing to go off and get all upset about the fact that he was obviously not holding himself out for me. *sigh*

Why in the hell do I always manage to get into this sort of situation with someone? If I am not the friend who wants more, I wind up with a bunch of friends that I don't want either way.

I should feel insulted, but, after a weekend of coming to terms for the millionth time in the last 16 months that a man isn't going to be mine that I want, I am certainly used to this crap.

Pennies for my thoughts...

I am lonely. I am lonely, but, I cannot continue to do things as I have been doing them. I cannot continue to deal with Damien nor get involved with Ron again. These sort of interactions are negative at best.

Damien does not value me. That is apparent in the way that he does not call me on a regular basis, he only returns my messages about half of the time and he has on more than one occasion asked me for something while offering nothing in return. He is dealing with me because it is convenient and requires almost no effort on his part.

Ron contacts me every now and again in an effort to feel me out. I have a history, you see, of writing him off and accepting him back with open arms and legs (of which he is fully aware). This fact incenses me because it is unethical to deal with someone who has expectations that one does not intend to meet, but, I recognize this to be the truth. Whether it is ethical or not is not to be debated.

He hopes that we will sleep together again and that things will go back to what was "normal" for us. He will see me and screw me when he wants to and I will blindly accept it and this time understand that this is the way that things will be.

I am so tired and disillusioned with life in general, much less men. I have managed, to develop a pattern of trying to accomodate and "help" the people that I have shared my body with. This is both stupid and only results in my being hurt and angry. I have a tendency to attract opportunists and liars.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I have decided that it is time for me to jump ship. I am disgusted with the state of my "love life" and I am ready to bring things to a halt.

I asked a friend what I should do to get rid of the people in my life when they surface and he said to tell them "it's been good, but, it's over" and leave it at that. He also stated that if I really want a relationship, I must be willing to sacrifice for it. What did he mean? Well....if I am serious about wanting something of substance, I've got to be willing to stop having sex early in the game and focus on getting to know the person. If he is worthwhile, he will be willing to wait.

I am tired of feeling used and unappreciated. I feel that it is worth trying another method, because the being honest about my feelings while doing what my body wishes routine is not working.

Frank told me that he always deletes his text messages. I think that that is a good idea. I don't need to hold onto the evidence that at one moment in time, this person communicated with me. I will begin by deleting my text messages. *sigh*

I really am disappointed in myself and with the way that things have worked. I feel as if I should have seen this from the start. I suppose that the only consolation that I have is that better to learn something from this experience than to continue to believe-----anything that any of these bastards have to say.