Good Friday

Part of my job functions are to train classes of employees as well as managers.

I have only been facilitating training classes for a little under a year.

I tend to be an introverted person, therefore, it was initially quite intimidating to get in front of groups of people and present materials.

I am proud to say that today's class went remarkably well.

Additionally, I misplaced my course outline, so, I had to do quite a bit of ad-libbing and I still managed to address all of the questions and concerns and to keep the class on track.

We finished the course on time.

What a happy Friday it was for me...

My gf called and it looks like she's in trouble....

My gf called this evening. She was calling from a park while the guy that she was supposed to spend the evening with talked with people on the other side of the street.

Feeling a bit awkward, she reached out to me in order to have "something to do" rather than feeling as if she stuck out like a sore thumb.

She also shared that a good friend of hers was angry at her because she'd stood him up the night before when they were supposed to go out dancing. She'd done it to spend more time with the same guy that she was with today. The guy, whom she admits has not been treating her with any respect or consideration lately.

I told her that she has to make the choice to end his ill treatment of her--whether that is through refusing to see him or seeing him only when he is willing to treat her in a manner that makes her feel good.

She has been dealing with this guy sexually for several months. Early on in their interactions, they agreed that the relationship would not be able to develop into much more.

He is rude to her each time that she sees him. He has blatantly flaunted other women in front of her, taken her money but, she is having trouble breaking free of him. She fears boredom and ultimately, loneliness so she is willing to be mistreated for time and attention.

It is sad that such a beautiful, intelligent young person is wasting their time in a situation like this.

My situation has been no better. The only difference is that I am choosing to not subject myself to it at this time.

Why do we choose to hurt ourselves like this?

The calls

I received a message from Ron yesterday.

He advised that he would be in town today working on his house. He also went on to say that he was giving me 24 hours notice (a reference to a previous convo. when I told him that I needed advanced notice to see anyone) and that he'd call today.

Mind you, I have not agreed to see him at any time. I have also not said that I would not see him.


It makes me angry that this is the same guy that led me on for so long and who also would not give me a desperately needed massage for my birthday.

It is apparent from his behavior that he is still seeking to use me. Each time that we have talked he's discussed massages and seeing me as if any good can come from it all.

I am still very angry with him and for this reason, I have continued to put off seeing him again.

In a way, I feel as if I have won in some sort of unspoken battle of wills.

After all, it has been over a year since I stopped seeing him.

Unfortunately, that year has not completely erased the memory of the pain that I felt when I found that he had been sleeping with another woman and that the only "us" that existed was in my head.

I am curious about why he wants to try and see me again. Is this his way of coming to terms with the decision that I made. Will he feel at peace once he realizes that he has conquered my decision to spend time with him again? Will he feel as if he's accomplished something? Or, will he instead seek to destroy my resolve to never be intimate with him or to trust him again?

Chair also left me a message last night. I did not feel strong enough to talk with him without bickering and seeming bitter.

He apologized for not calling me and said that he wanted to give me space since the passing of my grandfather.

That makes absolutely no sense to me. I think of how much I've needed to talk about anything other than death and loss and I'm grateful that I've had good friends that have helped me through this tough time.

He went on to say that his decision to give me space was no excuse considering the fact that I went out to visit him. He then stated that he misses me.

It is all too late.

A sequence of events have been set in motion and I am determined to never again let him touch the intangible parts of me.

Got a B+!

I was so afraid that I wasn't going to pass my first course for the Summer session.

Fortunately, I passed the course and I even got a B+!

I suppose that the moral to the story is that I can succeed at this education thing as long as I continue to work at it.

Btw, I didn't call yesterday either!

The dance

It is interesting how being single can be likened to participating in a dance.

There are the prospective suitors that will flit in and out of your sights....twirl you around and exit the floor.

They will hold your gaze as they smile down at you and dip you...attempting to make you

breathless with the excitement of it all. You coyly watch them from under your lashes as your

mind drifts back to another partner, another dance.....

But then you remember that it is all a game. You have no intention of dancing with this person

again. You will concentrate on the steps and hope to use them again once you've got them down

to an art....

Will....

I spoke at length with Sir William and of course, he was able to offer advice that no one else did.

His message was consistent that things are over.

However, he pointed out why and how I had the power to choose how to handle it.

He used the illustration that things were in the death throes and how I could put band-aids on

the wounds, but, it would not stop the bleeding.

If we were really in a relationship, I would not need to question it.

A man knows how to make his presence felt and he would not leave a woman that he cared

about in doubt. I guess that I needed to hear it from someone who knows how my mind works...

anyway, Sir William is in some trouble, so I pray that the letter that I put together will help.

I just pray that he pulls through on things.

I love him so...

A thought

It never occurred to me how connected we all are.

That is the best incentive for not treating others in a messed up way.

Today a cousin had to help me to fix my tires.

We never know who we will need to fall back on or forward on in times of need.

It makes me determined to be honest and try not to be hurtful when dealing with these guys.

I am going through this, perhaps, because I have walked away from at least one guy ( Paul) without offering any explanation of what the problem was.

To this day, he does not know the truth.

The same happened with Damien and now with this one.

The lesson that I was seeking has been revealed.

Even in a break up, treat others the way that you hope to be treated.

Perhaps you will get it back....perhaps not...but at least your conscience will be cleared.

Send it in a letter

I wanted to reach out because things have changed a lot lately.

In my opinion, they've changed for the worst.

We only see each other to have sex.

You no longer call or message me.

I feel that I am a burden when I do come around.

We don't hang out.

We don't have fun.

I feel like I'm being used half-heartedly.

I want to know why things have changed.

Was it something that I did?

Or was it, perhaps, something that you did?

Have you met someone else and just don't know how to tell me?

Or is that your style and you won't tell me?

Is this the way that you truly break away?

Just don't say anything...

I can accept that---I guess

I am simply asking that since I am talking with you today...

That you level with me so that I can move on with my life and no longer pine after you or attempt to remain faithful to you when I'm not seeing or hearing from you unless I initiate things.

I do not want to leave you

I do not want to lose you

But it feels as if you are already gone

Like you were gone a long time ago

Good or bad

Please tell me something

Another day has come

If today is the first day of the rest of my life...

I'm off to an effed up start! Lol

I've been woken up twice this morning...once only a few minutes after eight and just now.

This second time I was told that I will probably need to replace two tires!

I don't have the money for that. *Sigh*

I am tired...I miss him---a lot.

I tried thinking of what it was that I missed, but, other than the sex and the nice text messages, I could not figure out what I miss.

It still hurts.

I feel sad, rejected and lonely.

I tried to cry last night but I was too tired.

Do I really want to cry?

What lesson can I learn from this experience?

I want to ask what happened...what went wrong, but, he's going to try and act like I'm overreacting and I can't deal with that right now.

I just want to scream and cry....