My sadness is like the ocean....

Today I am sad and feel despondent because I was on the brink of falling in love with him and things worked out as they did. I have to cut the ties with him and it makes me sad to acknowledge that as well.

I feel as if I'm failing on so many fronts. I worked hard at this Math class and still only got a D. I have never received a D as a final grade in a class. I feel that I have torn myself into a million directions and there is nothing left. I want to cry until I can cry no more.

I am so tired of fighting the feelings of sadness...I think that they will win the battle this time. I will be 25 this Saturday and my life is nothing like I wanted it.

I just want to escape everything. I want to be alone with my despair. I want to change for the better but I'm not sure what specific things I am capable of doing. I want to get out of this cycle of stress and sadness.

I wish that it were apparent to me what to do....yet I do know. I guess I must pray for courage....courage and the true desire to change....

Lonely

I went to visit the guy out in Milpitas yesterday. He was nice. He got me a gift bag with candles, potpuri, a stuffed animal and champagne. It was thoughtful.

We went out to dinner. He took me to a lake and we talked (actually I tried to doze off while he talked. Later, we went back to the hotel and slept in the same bed and never touched. I felt no chemistry with him. He's a nice guy, but, I think that this taught me that perhaps either 1) I'm not attracted to him or 2) I'm not ready for dating or 3) he's just not the one. I felt more lonely after the experience than I imagined I would.

I miss my bestfriend. I could have discussed this with her and tried to make sense of it all, but, instead, I am writing into cyberspace and can't be certain that I'll receive any feedback. I am tired and feel depressed. I just wish that I could engage in some healthy interaction with someone else.

I am uncertain what I should do. I don't know if I should continue trying to find a person to become romantically involved with or if I should work on getting my friendship back. I don't know. I only know that everything hurts right now and I feel really despondent.

I think that I should tell this guy that I'm not attracted to him. I just don't like confrontation. I think he would handle it fine...perhaps I'm being selfish and not wanting to get rid of that option....

The Waiting Game....

I feel sad tonight. I slept with him this weekend, he volunteered that he’d call me on Wednesday and he never called. It’s Friday night and I wanted to call, but, what is there to say? It is clear what has happened the entire time that I’ve known him. I have put my life on hold (not at his request) in the HOPES that he’d come around. It hasn’t happened and it will not happen.

I am so sad and discontented. There was time when I felt free. I did not care what any guy thought. I wanted nothing more than physical gratification and felt that that would be enough.

I don’t know when I stopped evaluating whether or not he made me happy. I think that I came to need him to be happy. I think of him at times just about my every waking moment. It is not healthy.

I have put everything on hold and it has been for nothing. I believe that he will never come. I believe that I will never find someone else like him. GOOD. He is no good for me. I want to feel the same level of passion again for someone, but, I do not want to feel this way again. This has been an experience that I regret. I am too emotional to reflect upon what I can take away from this experience other than the importance of not dating anyone who tells you that they want to focus on their music or that there will be plenty of guys…..

I have waited for a long time for him to change when it really needs to be ME who changes. He doesn’t have to change. It really will not make a difference. I have to stop having relationships with people that hurt more than they feel good.

Tomorrow I’ve agreed to meet someone. We’ve had great conversations that are comfortable, but, I’m afraid of meeting people from the net. I don’t want another Andy experience. I’m also afraid of actually liking someone and being vulnerable. I want to just cancel, but I’ll keep my word. If nothing else, he will be one more great “friend” who is ultimately useless to me. *Sigh*

Women and Friendship

I'll be 25 in a little over a week (March 25th). I have no plans, which is partly my own fault for not making any. I am in a dispute with my closest friend as well. It is all very much an issue that only women would have because of the communication style that women typically have when it comes to disputes.

We oftentimes make a few key mistakes when it comes to getting pissed off about any particular thing. The first mistake is assuming that the other person knows why we're angry. While it may be true that some of the people that we deal with on a day to day basis do know what does and does not make us upset, there is no guarantee that they will know what made us upset when we are angry.

The second mistake that we typically make is assuming that the other person is purposefully witholding an apology because they are locked in a power play or a battle of wills with us to determine who can hold out the longest. Again,while this may be true in some instances, for the most part, the other party is unaware of your anger status or at least the reason behind it. Also, many people in general just don't have the time nor inclination to deal with confrontations over what are typically petty issues.

With the challenges that day-to-day life presents constantly looming in front of us, who really wants to fight?

As an individual, is it really worthwhile to engage in battle with someone you care about?

I've recently been faced with this dilemma. While I care a great deal about the person that I've been having issues with, I do not have a desire to fight. For this reason, avoidance is a much easier and desirable tactic.

The stresses of work, school and single parenting far outweigh arguing or debating who is right and who is wrong. We are both angry and feel a certain degree of resentment. We both feel justified in feeling that way. Whether we are both right (which is highly doubtful) is really of little importance. I wonder to myself how long it will go on and what the long term effect might be on my personal happiness.

The short answer is: some. She's been a huge part of my life for a very long time. I, however, have been branching out for a while, in spurts. I will definitely not be forever a hermit, but it is never the same when you are not with someone that you are really close to.

Back to my birthday. A part of me wonders if I shouldn't try and extend the olive branch prior to the "big day". I debate if it will be construed as an effort to assure that I have a companion to party hard with or not.

There still exists on her end, resntment about my not spending more time with her last year on her 25th birthday (we went out dancing and I danced the whole night with guys) and this also makes me fear that there might exist a desire to "get back" at me. *Sigh*

If only I were a guy right now....

The older guy that I've slept with off and on with since last August was out here for the last time this week. He finally got his RE property rented out.

So now I'm out of a best friend and a sex partner....what a way to go into 25!

On a serious note, I wonder how I can rectify this situation without compromising myself. I don't want anyone to feel that they are entitled to my time and efforts. That is the way I was beginning to feel with my friend...that she didn't appreciate either and was not satisfied with what I was willing to give.

Friendship is not an obligation, but rather, a choice. I guess that at this stage in my life, with all of the craziness that is taking place, I do not want to budge on that.

I do not know what I will do right now....