Have I....

Have I fucked things up? I was honest about my situation. My best friend suggests that I was perhaps even too honest about it. I felt that he should know where I stand with my ex and I told him all of the ugly details. I'm wondering about the wisdom of it. My sister tells me that it's for the best to be honest. It gives the other person the choice to decide what they want to do rather than living a lie. I can agree with that.

I wonder about myself and my motives. I have a tendency to want that that is not attainable. Is it a form of self denial to get involved with people that I feel things cannot work out with? Am I seeking to punish myself by offering and accepting the impossible and being disappointed when the inevitable takes place?

He makes me smile...

He says that we've got an energy between us. If someone else had said that to me, I'd accuse him of using a line, but, I know exactly what I mean. It's just different. Being in his presence makes me feel at peace. Talking with him makes me smile. I love the way he looks at me and asks me what it is that I'm thinking. As if this head filled with all sorts of wicked thoughts could be coming up with any ideas that aren't erotic!

Later.....

Last night I confided in him some of the problems that we've been facing with the neighborhood and wanting to sell the house. Immediately he asked if he could give me money to buy new tires and when I refused...he asked if he could look at the house to see what needed to be done on it. It was really nice to have someone who would do what I would do if I were in that situation. I couldn't see my ex just putting himself out there to offer me his support, fully. That's what he did. I am still somewhat skeptical, but, I was deeply impressed and it only further reiterated to me that he's different than what I'm used to. He is special. I love talking with him...he can make me tremble with the simplest statement. I have a deep respect for him...and while I'm not yet in love...I am definitely on the verge of something really big....

SoOoOo....

I have had an interesting week. I was sick most of last week and this week my ear and throat began to ache. It turns out that I'd been suffering from an ear infection. My physician prescribed amoxicillin and I've been taking that.

I finished another class. As usual, my team wasn't prepared for the presentation and we began to experience stress and back biting only minutes before class. It is extremely stressful to deal with these people. As interesting and unique as they all are, I'm not certain that we'll be able to truly function as an effective team. It is my plan to transfer to another campus when it opens in a couple of months. In the meantime, I will bide my time here and try and work with the people to the best of my ability. I am, after all, using this experience to learn to be a team player and a little humility.

I got a call from Danny. Danny is a young man that I've been talking with off and on for over a year, perhaps. Last month, prior to my meeting my latest guy outside of the club environment, I finally met Danny in person. He was really sweet and respectful. He made it a point to pay for everything and I wound up doing some things with him that night. The trouble with Danny is that he's younger and I don't see myself ever being able to commit to anyone who is younger than I am...especially with my only being 24.

Danny called me yesterday. He'd just returned from a two week vacation to New York to see his family. As I feared, Danny wants to be in a relationship. I tried to be as gentle about it as I could, but I told him that I couldn't commit to someone that I hardly know. He wants to be intimate again, but, since I've been seeing this other guy, I know that I can't do that either. I am a little stressed out because I've never technically gotten rid of a guy before. I typically just stop taking his calls and eventually he gets the message. I am learning that for some men, that just doesn't work. In addition to that, Danny is a really sweet and responsible young man. I don't want to jade him so I'm going to have to be straight forward with him, yet I don't want him to feel that I'm rejecting him for any perceived shortcomings, but, rather that I've found someone that I can relate to a lot better.

I know that it is still very early, but, I really like this man. He's easy to be with..he has similar long term goals and he's mature. I have yearned for a man in my life who isn't afraid to be the strong one in our relationship. While I'm not seeking an emotional crutch, it'd be nice to discuss some of the challenges that I'm facing with someone who has some life experience and who might offer me additional insight. In addition to that, he wants a family and soon. It's difficult to find men my age who are comfortable with the idea of my having a child, much less to find one who wants to start having children right away. He's established and doesn't need for me to help him to pay his bills or to figure out what to do with his life. I'm tired of feeling that I'm the man in my relationships with men.

It's my feeling that even if things don't work out with this particular man, I will probably continue to try dating older men.

So I've Slept With Him...

I wasn't really expecting it to be much different from the good experiences that I'd had before. I was exhausted and he'd worked all day so he was equally tired if not more so. It was, however, good.

I felt no spiritual connection :)..isn't that a good thing that my feet were still firmly planted on the ground?

It was funny because he'd given me a great back massage and he looked me in the eyes and said that he was tired and only wanted to have a shower and drink some tea before bed. I told him that I had no problem with that and would comply with his wishes.

After his shower, we climbed into bed. I was already very comfortable because I'd drank my tea and he has the most comfortable bed that I've slept in in a very long time. As I attempted to settle on even more pillows, he drew me close to him and I crawled into his arms and lay beside him. I threw my leg over one of his and he began to caress my thigh, my buttocks....

He told me that I was making him hard and I told him that he was doing that for himself...that it was all mental. He asked me to touch him and when I did, he told me to hold onto him. He slid me to the edge of the bed and put on a condom and it's all a blur from there. Eventually we were doing things all over that comfortable bed that would ensure that I'd be more than relaxed when we were finished! Afterwards, we cleaned up and fell asleep.

I slept well in that big, comfortable bed until the calls started coming. One was from Paul just after midnight! I hadn't heard from him all week long and he decided to call me on at that hour! I know what he was seeking, but it really offended me. I think I'm going to have to drop him formally. I don't like that fact because it's not like we were ever an item.

I spoke with Robert on Saturday. He's just as cute as ever. I wish that I could visit him soon but it's not looking like it will happen. In addition to that, Robert and I could only have something sexual, I fear. I like him a lot and wish that there could be more, but he's too far away....