A funeral and four men who are dead to me!

I'd like to preface this blog with a little background. I attended my first funeral yesterday. We were laying to rest a cousin of mine. He was a veteran and the service was brief, but very emotional.

After the service, we had a mini family reunion. Everyone laughed and told stories about old times and relatives who weren't around any longer. I left feeling so much better about life and so positive only to lead to a couple of conversations later that night....


I've had four disappointments in regard with men over the last 36 hours.

I've known Chris from the net for five years. We've never met in person, but he claimed that he was in love with me at one time. I decided against being with him for several reason, one being that he lived in Virginia and I'm in California. In addition to that, he was a full time college student and I was a full time employee in a new relationship. Anyway...he broke up with his girlfriend earlier this year and although we hadn't talked in over a year, since our last spat over something or other, Chris contacted me earlier this month. He wanted to come out here and have sex with me and when I told him that I wasn't interested in being sexual with him and that that's not cool, he decided to move to Texas to live with some other chick. So essentially, I'm good enough to screw, but not to get to know and try and build a relationship with, huh? Interesting...

Robert lamented about how he can't find a nice woman. He went on to tell me about how I always know the right things to say to make him feel better and always offer practical advice and all of this stuff. He then told me that he PRAYS that I will find someone. He PRAYS that I will find someone! WHAT????He excused himself from the running by saying that he lives too far away. Ok....

On to bachelor number three....Mike. This guy was someone that I had a great phone convo with one night for hours and we really seemed to hit it off. He disappeared without an explanation and I just let it pass. He saw me online the other night and we engaged in a long exchange in which he declared that he could fall in love with me easily and that he wanted me to come out to LA and visit him. He told me that he'd pull out all of the stops and all of this crap. I finally agreed to come and meet him. The next two days or so we only talked via offline messages. Today I ran into him online and began talking. As I searched for airline deals (unbeknownst to him) we had a little idle chat and eventually mentioned that he has a date tonight and that he didn't know why he was going or why she'd agreed. Perhaps they'd both be bored...or maybe they'd just use each other for sex. Well, I never....

Finally there's Ron. I began seeing him during the summer and things were great until he began to be less attentive. I couldn't seem to get him to return phone calls or anything. He finally admitted that he was dating other women, actually, I kind of managed to get him to divulge that by pretending that I already knew. I stopped seeing him for a time, but resumed when my horny side prevailed in a battle with my better sense. Things are fucked up again. I told him that I'm not happy and he said that only I can make me happy and that it's not good if I feel like I'm having to chase him. He'll call me later, though. Right.....

Ultimately, I know that these people all need to be deleted from the list of people that I know. I just can't help feeling as if I have got onto a hamster's wheel and am repeatedly becoming involved in the same vicious cycle over and over again. It really kills me to know that I am so depressed over this shit, but, how could I not be?

Ron is right. I need to do what is going to make me happy. Right now, not thinking about any of them will be at least a first step. *sigh* Will I ever meet the man that Robert's been praying about? LOL

*Crying never helps but it's all I seem to do these days*

He's stopped taking my calls. Just like that. How very simple it is to be cut off from the object of your affection. I suppose that it has all come full circle then. I feel shattered and hurt and do not know how I'm going to face the impending days. I feel lost and bereft and want to crawl into bed and cry myself to oblivion.....why couldn't he love me? Why? I feel like shit.

I don't know how I can feel better. I just don't want to try anymore. Dating doesn't work for me. I cannot seem to find anyone who I feel the same about....I just wish that someone would believe that I was good enough for them and that I was into them....but it seems to be too much....

That is the trouble...I've always offered too much and have never had quite enough....