At the end of the day...

I went to Dylan's house for breakfast this morning around 11:30am.

He finished cooking and we ate at 1:30pm.

We talked a bit and I fell asleep for a few hours.

I finally got up around 4:30 and after talking for a little bit, I signed online and talked with Paula.

We went to the Super WalMart new his house and shopped for a couple of hours before I finally dropped him off.

I went by Paula's and took her the $15 that I owed her and dinner from Carl's Jr.

I then went to Taco Bell and got myself something to eat.

Now I'm home and I've had something to fill my belly.

I feel a little sad because I miss him---you know who---but, this too shall get easier to deal with.

*sigh*

Breaking away....

So I'm not technically going on a date, however, I'm going to a guy's house this morning for him to cook me breakfast...

I need this to break away as things have plummeted with the last object of my affection.

I feel so damned depressed because I hate this part.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it....

Oh, btw, this is the start of day two.

I can't wait until I'm no longer counting!

Day one...

So I haven't called since Sunday when he didn't return my call....

But I did send him a text on Tuesday and another yesterday.

Today will be the first day that I have not made any contact.

Today marks the beginning of my letting go.

*sigh*

I recall how difficult this was with both Ron and Damien, but, I will have to endure it.

It must be....

I love men

How I love them....men.

Yet they hurt....like a shot.

Initially, they are sharp and keen---and then

....the heavy feeling sets in...

And I ache

I don't hate them, I love them so

And yet they burn

Like the flame from a candle

Illuminating my face as I gaze into its light

Oh but if only they would warm my neck and face with kisses

Stir my senses with caresses

How I do love men

But men do not love me....

Hope comes and fades

The situation is hopeless, by my estimation.

With that thought in mind, I have began to entertain getting involved with Ron again.

The trouble with that decision is obvious: he hurt me twice before and is highly likely to do so a third time were I to allow him back into my life.

I feel restless like I need to do or say something.

Yet, something else holds me back from pushing the subject. I do not want to be made to feel as if I am overreacting.

There is another part of me that realizes that perhaps I am overreacting, yet, at the same time, I know what my heart and my gut are saying.

I've been trampled on enough times to recognize this feeling....

What changed?

My bestfriend told me that although I've complained that the guy that I was seeing has changed...I have also changed.

I have decided to do an assessment to see how I have changed since meeting him. I am going to document the characteristics that I displayed initially and see if there is much of a difference now.

1. Open mind--I decided to keep an open mind despite what others were saying about him and his circumstances.
2. Expectations--I placed no expectations on him as I was still trying to get over Damien. I simply stated what I was seeking--nothing that was just sex and left it at that (after the first few days of agonizing that he'd told everyone about my late night visit).
3. Take him at his word--I decided that I would trust him and take him at his word---in spite of the rumors and what others said. This was what I would do so that I could sleep at night without stressing myself out.
4. Positive--I always had a positive attitude and nice things to say. I was feeling positive about things in general and it showed.
5. Openly affectionate--I was openly affectionate with him and expressed my desire for him without hesitation.
6. Communication--I was less verbally forthcoming about my feelings for him.
7. Available--I was often readily available to talk to him whenever he called and wanted to see me.
8. Fun--I had fun when I was with him and looked forward to spending time with him in order to have fun.
9. Spontaneous--I was spontaneous when it came to spending time with him.
10. Options--I had other options and was with him because I wanted to be---not because I felt that I had to be.
    

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

was the day that he finally passed.

It was a hard 24 hours as the full magnitude of what happened hit us all.

He will be missed for years to come....

Revived ----but not for long

They were able to revive him and restart his heart.

They say that his heart is not pumping hard enough in order to sustain life and if he codes again they have the option of installing a pacemaker. Unfortunately, the surgery will likely kill him.

It has been decided that if he does code again, they are not to perform the surgery but to let him go if he does not respond to their rescue efforts....

Gone

Floyd passed away a few minutes ago after coding.

He'd been in the hospital since Memorial day and I feel that it was related to the medical malpractice of the hospital staff.

So it is Done

He finally did something that triggered enough anger and hurt that I have finished it.

Things began to take a decline at the start of May.

I first began to notice the distance when he didn't plan to see the fight with me, but, rather, saw it with his "brother."

In the past, he had seemingly sought every opportunity to invite me out to gatherings and functions, but, this time, he did not bother to do so.

I did what most silly people in that position do---don't say anything and opt to shower him with reassurances and affection to ensure that he did not forget that I was a lovesick fool waiting on standby for him to sh*t on me at his leisure.

So I decided to plan some get togethers because we weren't seeing each other or talking to each other as much.

I decided we'd go to see a game at a sportsbar. That lead to the last fiasco.

Then he left the state for a vacation and I didn't hear from him daily as he had heard from me when I was gone and when he returned and I gave him a few days before reaching out to him and seeing if we could get together and he talked about being tired and needing to get back in touch with me later in the week when it was closer to the time----as if I was only some second rate back up plan worthy chick!

So I smiled and took it up the @ss and went out there short notice with my bag of surprises and we had a long sexy session.

The next day, I wanted to go out to eat together and spend a little more time together and he tells me that he doesn't feel like it and that we're spending time together right then. So I literally took that lying down....

When I returned from picking up some fast food...we ate outside and he had the audacity to tell me that he didn't know what my plans were for the weekend...so he'd made plans to go out and work on getting sponsors and his ride was on the way....

So I took that...

The next day...I flipped out and called to ask what had been going on and he claimed that he's been busy after I flashed on him.

Later that week he attempted to be more attentive by sending text messages versus calling...and Saturday night when he decided that he could spare a few hours to screw me....he called and I ignored it and went out dancing.

I called him later but he didn't answer and I left him a message.

So the next day we talked for like ten minutes tops and it was ok.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the week.

I sent text messages. Sometimes he'd respond. Other times he wouldn't.

I called him Thursday night after he failed to respond to any of my affectionate messages that I'd sent.

I wanted to tell him that I'd be coming out Friday.

He never called me back.

The next day he sent a text with the lame excuse that he was hanging with his sister.

I told him that I was coming and to save me a seat. He told me that I'd better be there on time versus being late.

Based on that, I knew he didn't want me to come, but, I talked myself out of that notion and went to great lengths to look my best and make it out there.

When I arrived, he asked for a hug and didn't bother to make eye contact.

Throughout the evening, I hardly got a glance.

At the close of the evening, after he's had enough alcohol to be jovial, he comes to apologize for ignoring me and tells me that he's got plans first thing this morning relating to one of his children.

I had not really prepared to stay out there that night, but, hadn't shut out the possibility of doing so.

When he said that, however, I was both hurt, angry and felt so insulted.

He should have told me that before I came or at the start of the evening so that I could have left after the show!

I lingered around for another awkward ten minutes or so and then decided to say goodbye and leave.

So he thanks me for coming and tries to ask what I was doing Saturday (tonight) and I said I was going out which is why I'd come out that night. Then he asked about Sunday and I pointed out that it was Father's day so then he's like Monday and I told him that it was MONDAY. So then he's like we've got to plan a date and I told him that it was on him and that I'd planned the last three and how he was going on my deletion list and he laughed.

I am so hurt and angry and feel so used and disrespected.

F*ck him and damn him to hell for treating me this way.