As things change, everything remains the same

Thanksgiving was wonderful. For the first time in years, my family got together without any drama. I truly had a good time.

The fuckbuddy has resumed lying to me. I don't know who I'm more disappointed in: him or me. I know that the right thing to do is to cut him off completely. It will be too great of a cost to repair my dignity after all that I've put myself through for him, but, it still really pisses me off. I wish that I could be really vindictive and bring him down a notch or two, but the greatest revenge is to not give a damn at all. That's what I'm working on.

On a brighter note, I've finished my first non fluff book in a very long time. I'm pleased with that accomplishment. I've also decided that I'm going to date without getting into anything too serious for the next few months. I simply need to network and make some friends. Perhaps I'll take a lover, I'm not sure yet. I typically can go for a few months before it becomes a pressing issue....wish me luck! :)

I'd love to give more time and attention to my personal writing, but, my schedule is so tight these days.

I long for personal time....

Just another Manic Monday....why isn't it Friday?

I got my Sex and the City dvds and I'm happier than a pig in----well, you know what I mean! I'm so excited! I'd planned to watch a marathon this passed Saturday, but they didn't come in the mail until today so....I'm stuck watching them through the week because I'm scheduled for a computer course on Saturday and have to work on Sunday :(. Poor me!

I could lose my great new job if I don't learn Microsoft Excel by December 9th, so I'm very very very very nervous about that....*sigh*. I purchased Professor teaches Microsoft Office, Windows, Web & Graphics Super Set on Saturday...hopefully it will help! I don't know what to do.

In addition to that, I've slipped back into some bad habits. I've slept with the guy who broke my heart three times in the last couple weeks....it's terrible. On a brighter note, I met a really interesting guy at the grocery store today...so perhaps I'll be distracted enough to finally leave the guy from out of town alone for good.

Another guy asked me to a concert for later this month, so, hopefully we will actually go. I'm really excited because I really like the artist.

I'm so tired right now....I hardly slept last night because I kept getting woken up. I'm hoping that the week will get better.

"I love you"

I was watching television tonight and on the show the leading man told the woman that he'd been jerking around for the last two or three years that he loved her. She resisted at first but finally submitted to his kiss and wound up sleeping with him and embarking on the start of an affair.

Although this was purely a work of fiction, it made me think of question: Does "I love you" change anything? Does it change everything and cover over a multitude of sins?

How is it that three little words can make or break a relationship? Isn't it horrifying to think that so much weight can be carried in a mere three words?

I reflect upon my relationship upsets and wonder if I'd been told that I was loved, if I would be content...even though I wouldn't necessarily be happy. I wonder....

Off to New York!

I have a cyber buddy that I've talked to for a year. Tonight he told me that he feels that our conversations are pointless. He went on to explain how discouraging it is to find someone that you feel you really connect with on a mental level who is hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. I could understand his feeling that way. Anyone who's been on the internet for any length of time has probably had at least one person that they've really clicked with who lived far away.

My spontaneity took over and I told him that I'd like to meet him in New York City, (he lives in Syracuse) and we could shop and see RENT http://www.siteforrent.com/.

Lol. *sigh* As dramatic as it sounds...it's not too insane. I've wanted to see the play since I first heard about it in '96. Also, as an avid Sex and the City fan, (who as of yesterday owns every episode created) I've always wanted to visit New York City. I think it would be really exciting and I'm comfortable with meeting him.

I am not interested in trying to make a love connection. I don't feel that way toward him and I'm not one for long distance relationships either...so that wouldn't be a risk. I think it would just be a way of facing yet another fear of mine: meeting someone who is far away that I have talked to for forever. Putting a face to the name and nuances with the words.

A part of me wonders how much of this is spurred on by a desire to run away from my grief over the guy from the summer who, coincidentally, I did see again....just this Saturday! I feel that I need some distance between us and physical distance wouldn't be bad. He is similar to a five pound chocolate bar. It tastes soooooo good but you know that indulging in it will result in a tummy ache!

Continuing to indulge him is getting me nowhere near my personal goals. My challenge this month will be to really break free of this charade and move on with my progression toward----