Musings

Life is about the tough choices that we make. After all, it's typically the decisions that we make that are tough that truly define us. It's been a tough week. I've wanted on more than one occasion to call the guy that I'd been seeing and try and make some sort of connection. The only thing that's stopped me has been all of the great advice from friends and strangers alike. The whole I am sex thing really threw me for a loop. Yesterday, I asked a good male friend about it and he said that my eyes say, "come f*ck me". Yeah, I know, he's a bit blunt, but his point is that I do exude some sort of attitude or aura that says I'm a sexual person versus a nice person.

Granted, short of wearing sunglasses around the clock or altering my appearance with plastic surgery, there is little that I can do about my eyes. I can, however, control my tongue and my fingers.

I've always been a writer and have oftentimes been complimented on my "quick wit" and sometimes naughty sense of humor. I must make a commitment to not banter so much about sex and not use so many innuendos with people that I'm interested in getting to know.

It is important to be myself, but it can't hurt to tone down an area of my personality that isn't very important. I'm tired of attracting the wrong sort of men for me, so I've got to be determined to be proactive rather than bitter and jaded.

I've been asked out by several men and all but one of them is a few years younger than I. I have never been into younger guys, after all, at 24, how young can I go if I want someone who is mature and responsible. I'm not certain that I should go out with them, but I've made it clear that I'm not interested in casual sex...and that I'm saving myself for someone who is special...I hope that doesn't make me a target for someone seeking a challenge! Lol.

My guy friends have also told me to not announce that, but rather to let my actions speak louder than words. We'll see how it goes.

You are sex....

That's what my good friend, Patrick, said to me the other night as I complained that I was tired of meeting guys who just wanted sex. I was a little shocked by that statement, but he went on to elaborate. He says that we tend to attract that which we are.

An example would be a person who is the victim in an abusive relationship. Typically these people tend to consistently wind up with an abusive mate over and over again. The reason is that they carry the same baggage and way of thinking. They believe that everyone is going to abuse them and thus they act accordingly. At the first sign of trouble, rather than leaving, they stay because subconcisouly they have expected this.

I don't necessarily agree that this is always the truth. I most certainly would not like to think that my attitude and demeanor with people tells them that I only want to be a source of their pleasure...well, at least not just their physical pleasure! His statement did make me think about the way that I approach dating in general. I have typically had an easy going approach and will be the first to tell someone that I don't expect anything out of it, that way I'm not likely to be disappointed if it doesn't work out and I'm pleasantly surprised if it does.

Patrick says that this isn't good enough, but that this is rather an easy cop out. He told me that if you don't expect anything....nothing is exactly what one will get. Makes sense....

No need for formal goodbyes?

While I've decided not to see him...I wonder do I even need to bother telling him considering the fact that he's not returning my calls here and there. I hate feeling like a person is leaving me dangling on a string. I realize that he's been going through some things lately, but who isn't going through things? That is no excuse to not keep in contact with a person. I dunno...I think that it won't be necessary to formally break it off but that his very lack of a response to my calls tells me all that I need to know

~Sad in California~

It's over

I suppose that this should come as no surprise. After a week of getting feedback from everyone but him, I've concluded that it's over. Why? I've called him on two or three occasions this week and he hasn't bothered to call me back. In addition to that, he used to call me every night now he never calls me! There has been no talk of whether or not he's seeing the person that he was
"casually dating" when he first began to see me, but I can only conclude that he's still doing so. I don't need to be stressing over someone that I've known for so little time. If he's not on the same page as me, (which based on my lack of certainty on the matter proves that he is not), it is not worth it to continue to waste my time and energies. I'd rather not get embittered and wind up hating him, nor do I want to continue with things as they are and continue to like him even more. I'm really starting to feel down now because I really liked this guy! I guess that I should just leave guys alone for a while. Not calling him will be the hardest...any suggestions?

Two Months

We've been seeing each other about once a week for two months now. I'm not certain where to consider us. Are we exclusive or not? I wonder because if not, there are a couple of people that I'd like to go out with. I'm not certain where that will get me, but I feel it's a little early to be asking about where we stand. I don't want to scare him away, but I also don't want to make it seem that I'm interested in dating all of these people, especially since the whole situation with my ex. I don't know what to do or to think. We are having sex and often, but that doesn't mean much of anything. What should I do? Should I ask him or should I see him for another month or so before I broach the subject?

Up one night

I like this guy a lot. I feel so happy when I'm with him. I feel comfortable and relaxed. He is so easy to be with and I'm learning so much about the things that I like and dislike. He's a generous person with his time and energies. I really admire that.

The sex with him is getting better and better...just as he predicted. I love the way that he touches my body and controls the pace of our merging. He's got music in his soul...he's a passionate figure.

Losing someone you love...

My bestfriend wants to move out of state. It makes me sad. I don't want to lose someone that I love, but it wouldn't be fair to try and convince her to stay. She's not happen here, she's operating without any real sense of direction and she seems to be hopeless. I'm afraid that I won't find someone that I can be close to anymore. That scares me. Maybe it will be a good thing in the long run, but, right now it doesn't feel that way.

I'm sad and afraid.

Manual Test

I got rid of the boring dude because he was an inattentive lover. My gf called me and was telling me about her experience with a guy recently. He started having sex with her without even bothering to be sure that she was ready. My rant is this:

If you're going to fuck me, at least have the decency to do a manual check to ascertain that I'm ready!