Things that are left unsaid

I recently spoke with a good male friend about his latest conquest.

He has admittedly been sleeping with a multitude of different women of late, simply because he can.

As he told me about this latest woman that he'd slept with, I asked him what she believed the nature of their relationship is and he told me that she believes that they are sleeping together and building toward something---that "something" being a committed relationship.

He then went on to explain how he did not want to be with her at all but is actively pursuing another person.

This led me to wonder: If this woman had the knowledge that the relationship did not have the potential to evolve beyond the sex, would she really be interested in sleeping with him at all?

Granted, many of us have sex with people because it feels good---nothing more---nothing less.

In most cases, many of us want to have sex with someone that we can potentially, build a relationship with.

How many of us "date" people that we know we have not got the slightest chance of a future with?

I know that I, personally have done it on more than one occasion and have justified not telling the other party because I felt that it was not his business.

A part of me wonders whether or not the knowledge of that would really make a difference when it came to his decision to see me.

After all, if one is getting to spend time and have sex with someone that they are attracted to, does it really matter if it will not turn into more?

This information might be significant to some. The knowledge could ultimately impact their lives in more ways than one could imagine.

I suppose that it reveals that the things that we don't say in relationships are often just as important, if not much more important than those that we do verbalize to each other.

I think about my situation with Ron and how things played out.

For a very long time he did not bother to articulate that he felt that we really had no long term potential. Had he verbalized that when he initially made the conclusion, I would not have bothered to see him anymore or, at the very least, I would not have bothered being exclusive.

This thinking leads me to Damien. Damien was honest from the start about his unwillingness to get into a relationship. He did the opposite of what Ron did and was open about that from the outset.

This knowledge helped to keep me from blaming him for my dissatisfaction with the "relationship" and ultimately offered me the incentive to choose to stop dealing with him romantically.

I wonder what were the things that he didn't say to me that he must have thought about me or the relationship. Would I be surprised by them?

He called again....

Ron called today.

I'd sent him a text message the other night wishing in a Happy Chinese New Year.

I listened to his voicemail after he'd left it this morning. I decided to return his call this evening.

He thanked me for the message and asked the usual questions.

He asked if I was ok and I told him that I'm fine and always doing well. I asked how he'd been as he'd been sick lately and he told me that he was better and had to get onto antibiotics after we'd talked.

I pointed out that I'd been right and reminded him that I'd been knocked off my feet in December by an illness.

He asked how was work and I mentioned that I was training managers on how to interview and he said that he wanted me to come out and train him on how to speak in public.

I laughed it off and he told me that he would like to see me.

He also stated that it's been a long time. I told him that it hasn't been that long and he said that it was like four or six months.

Not true.

The last time that I can recall seeing him was in SF when I was on a date with two men. :)

Whatever the case...I just ignored the statement and he asked about my son and I told him how he's been doing and how I want to do something big for his birthday.

We talked for a few minutes more and he mentioned again how he'd like to see me and then he "got a call" and I told him that I'd talk to him later.

It's amusing to me that he bothers. After all...is it that serious that you'd bother to reach out to a former piece of a*s that's not even local?

I suppose that if given the things I did in the past, it wouldn't be a bad deal for him.

I did the bulk of the travelling and all.

Why can't I just find someone who is what he claims to be?

Chair also called.

When I returned his call after work, he claimed that he was witnessing a Kirby vacuum demo and I told him that he could call me back. He said ok.

He didn't call.

I'm tired of his shit.

Questions are whizzing through my mind

He sent me a musical text message for Valentine's Day after telling me that we couldn't get together on that day because he "has things to do." OoooooooooooooK

So I didn't bother to respond to his text, nor did I contact him until nearly midnight on Thursday night (in response to a message that he'd left that evening wishing me a good day).

On Friday, against my better judgment, I went out to see his show all by myself.

I'd tried to get several male friends to go with me, but, had been unable to secure a "date."

It was my intention to show up with a man and try and make him jealous.

I am glad that I did not manage to get anyone.

When I showed up, he was looking extremely sexy with his hat on and dress shirt and jewelry.

He appeared like the "player" that I have accused him of being.

It was supposed to be a comedy roast for his birthday and so there were several comedians there to do just that.

I felt myself feeling (several emotions that I cannot name all at once) when his friend said that he didn't want to put him on blast but that he was getting more p*ssy now that he was in the wheelchair than when he could walk.

I also felt that same emotion (threatenend, betrayed, angry, scared?) when he talked about his "dating" experiences including going down on someone and getting stuck by her legs and women getting mad when they found his mother's thongs in the laundry.

It didn't help that he talked to a bunch of attractive women and seemed to be receiving a lot of "love" more than I was comfortable with.

I made it a point to not pay attention to him during those times and try not to let my feelings show on my face.

I am not sure what I really want out of my dealings with him.

I am clear that I want full devotion. That is a constant for me.

Do I really believe that I will ever get that? No.

It doesn't hurt to want though, does it?

However, when I went into the club...he did tell the bouncer that I was his "girl." He also referred to me as such a couple of other times later in the evening, BUT, it was to his friend that we were giving a ride....so it's not like he's announced to anyone that we are an item.

The vestiges of the rational person that I was pre-sex realizes that I should not allow for these experiences to bother me.

On the other hand, it is hard for me to control the addiction.

We had sex when we finally came in. As usual, he was incredible.

He took my "anal innocence" the previous Friday and he wound up getting in last night and giving it to me for a while.

I finally had to stop him when he began to pound me.

I think that it would have been ok if I'd had some lube on board, but, we were using his saliva (which tends to abound) and so that had to work.

Afterwards, he gave me a really good back massage and I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and it was apparent that he'd been hurting.

He was still outside of the covers.

Perhaps he was hurting or perhaps too tired to get up during the night and get under the blankets.

Perhaps it was a combination of the two....

I kissed his forehead and came awake.

I rubbed his back for a time and finally left after kissing him goodbye and thanking for him having me again and again and again...

An hour or so after I got home, I received a phone call from him. He wanted to ensure that I'd made it home safely.

He had not done that in a while....

We had a brief conversation last night as he was rubbing my back.

He'd mentioned that he sometimes doesn't like talking to me because I raise my voice.

That is apparently a pet peeve of his. The thing is that I don't raise my voice when talking to him...but I'm a loud person by nature so I think he sometimes perceives my yelling when in fact, I am not.

I told him that I oftentimes give in to his way because he's an Alpha male and I knew that I wouldn't win and he readily agreed.

Lol...

What have I gotten myself in to?

Last Friday

We went out on a "date," I guess.

Prior to going to his house, I'd showered and shaved my legs using a different technique. For the first time in my life, my legs were perfectly smooth. I rubbed baby oil gel on my legs and they felt like a dream.

I arrived out there and he immediately commented on how good I looked.

I laid on the bed beside him and began to watch television while he felt me up.

Eventually, he was removing my pants and one thing led to another...

He f*cked me thoroughly.

I had multiple orgasms and the final one that I had was so strong that I thought that I was seizing based on the full body tremors that I was experiencing coupled with my eyes rolling, etc.

He turned me over and began to hit it from the back...

It felt good...but then....

He began to try and put it into THERE

He told me to do it and I said that I couldn't so...he worked and managed it.

Initially, it stung a little and then he was in and working me over.

I was apprehensive about being torn and stretched so I told him that he wasn't supposed to be moving once he got in there.

He held still and manipulated my nether parts with his fingers while he kissed my neck...

I had two problems with this experience:

During a break..while he was still inside me and my body convulsed....he took a phone call...what the hell???

Also...we wound up going to the movies and he didn't hold my hand during the show.

Otherwise, I had a pretty good time.

I went home that night and came back the following night with my gf, as he was scheduled to host a comedy contest.

Unfortunately, no one else showed up other than the comedians.

I'd asked him for directions to his show, thinking that he'd realize that I was referencing the show that would take place the following night.

Instead, he gave me directions to the site of his show that would be held the following week.

I got lost and finally called him and received directions to the site of the contest.

When I got there, there was no one there other than he and his friend and another person or two.

I told him that he'd given me directions to the wrong place and he insisted that I'd asked about the location of his show and pointed out that this wasn't his show. I told him that it was his show as he was hosting it. He continued to prattle on and his friend cut in and said that their shows were always packed and began to ask if I'd been to their shows. I told him no. As the friend began to elaborate on how their shows are, my knight in shining wheelchair began to show his ass.

He said something about how it wasn't his show and put the show card right in face and began going on about it and was very angry. When I turned my attention to him and tried to pacify him, he said something about how I ignored him when he was talking to him and how he would not be disrespected and all of this stuff.

I know that he overreacted because my gf was right there and felt that he was going off unnecessarily as well.

I tried to sit in his lap and he was not having it and told me that he didn't want me on his lap if I was going to be disrespecting him and listening to someone else when he was trying to talk to me.

Ultimately, he never bothered to apologize. I said some things to him as I rubbed his shoulders and worked to calm him down.

We hadn't had dinner and no one had shown up yet, so, we went and got some fast food.

By the time I returned, he and I were cool again.

He even insisted that I give him several kisses and all.

All and all...it was another example of his volatile temper.

I felt that it was bordering on abusive....

He's a F*cker

I have decided that he told me "I love you" because he was either 1) drunk or 2) trying to manipulate me into not losing interest after the performance that he put on at his party.

We hardly spoke to one another during the party...which was partly my fault. I sat in a chair and didn't really feel like mingling as it took several hours before people really showed up.

He never told me that the mother of his children was going to be there. I wouldn't have bothered going as I didn't want to give anyone the wrong impression.

If that weren't enough, after four or five hours, we finally sang the song and then he gave a speech. He thanked his mother, his children, the mother of his children, the host and hostess, the dj and even the gay guy over in the corner for coming. Although he made eye contact with me, he did not mention me.

I felt slighted, but, I told myself that we didn't have any relationship established and therefore, it was alright. After all, I'd decided that this would be the last time that I spent with him...

After the group disbanded, I went to get my purse. I was going to leave. I had stayed for the cutting of the cake and needed to get home as my child was here waiting with my family and I had to go to my aunt's house the next morning for her birthday party.

They gay guy (I can't remember his name but he's cool as hell) was like, "You're not leaving yet are you? You can't go right now!" I allowed myself to be swayed into staying.

I decided that I would go into the kids' playroom and do something to take my mind off of things. I went in and played basketball and hair salon and with the building blocks before he put in an appearance.

He played basketball with one of the older children for a while and then got ready to leave the room.

He asked me how I was doing and I told him that I was doing fine. One of us asked if the other was having a good time and I can't recall what the response was. He then apologized for not giving me enough attention and I told him that it was ok. It was his birthday and he needed to enjoy his guests.

He then pulled me onto his lap and tried kissing me. I told him that he needed to learn to kiss because he kissed me too roughly. He told me that he did know how to and demonstrated as much, but, I stopped him as there were children present.

In retrospect, I cannot recall if this occured before or after his ex had left.

You should know that I attribute a lot of his standoffish behavior to her presence and I feel that he definitely wants to be with her again. After having seen how easily they get along and the obvious affection that they have for one another, I cannot fathom why he would not.

My feelings are also supported by the fact that he didn't spend any length of time with me until well after she'd left. Granted his oldest child was there, but, he was upstairs for the majority of the evening.

Anyway...so the evening progresses. At one point, (after the ex had left of course) we even did a duet of sorts and some heavy flirting.

He had touched me repeatedly thoroughout the evening, but, now, he grabbed me between my legs and said something about how it was his and I told him, that it belonged to my parents. This went back and forth for a while and he bragged about how he'd earned it with all of the orgasms that he'd given me.

I told him that there was no way that I'd admit that my ass was his in public and that that was something that we'd have to discuss in a more private setting or perhaps in a more public venue....and he was like on camera? And I told him, hey...perhaps even a live audience (joking of course).

He was like, oh it's like that, huh? Ok. Ok. Although his tone was light, my instincts told me that that would not be the last that I'd hear about that.

The evening went on and there was more singing, some dancing and there were even some jokes told by the guest of honor.

His mother decided that she was ready to go.

She couldn't find her keys and after several people looking around for them for about fifteen or twenty minutes, I went right to them in the chair.

I then offered to help her out to her car with the things that she was taking. She accepted.

Just to prefance this all, he had received and made phone calls throughout the evening. He'd given directions on some of the calls that I heard.

When I helped his mother to the car, he was already outside and talking with two women.

I finished helping her to load the car and then I went to my truck and got my jacket and went inside the house. I never acknowledged him or the two women.

We were supposed to be playing Taboo.

I waited inside the house with the host, hostess, their brother and sister-in-law an d the dj while he chopped it up outside for half hour or forty-five minutes.

The host and hostess were looking at me like, 'where's he at' and I'm sitting there trying to maintain my calm.

I decided that I was going to leave once he was finished.

The host went out and checked on them a time or two and finally they all wound up in the playroom.

The women stayed for another ten minutes or so and left. He never introduced me to either of them.

The host told his wife that one of the women worked as the security officer at their club.

Once goodbuddy rolled his ass into the room, I informed him that I had to leave and wished him a happy birthday and gave him a hug.

The hostess looked to her husband and asked him if he was going to take Chair home. He was like, "I guess." He then looked at me and asked if he was going with me. I told him that I ddn't know if he was ready to go but, that I had to leave town early in the morning so I was taking off.

Chair agreed to go with me and we took off.

As we left out of the side gate, I struggled with it. He told me that I needed to pull it hard and I told him that I was trying. (I had his gift basket that Kk had made in my arms as well as my purse) Just as he was trying to come over to help pull it, I managed it.

I told him that he wanted to play knight in shining wheelchair a little late as we made our way to the truck.

He then told me that I wanted to be strong only some of the time and I told him that that's how it's supposed to be and that as a woman, I should be able to rely on the man that I am with to be strong for me as needed.

He said something about he was always wrong or always in trouble and I told him "Whatever."

We drove to his place with the music playing and not really talking although he apologized again for not giving me enough attention. This had been the fourth apology.

I told him that I am a big girl and that it was his party, I'd had a good time and would be fine.

I got to his house and cut the engine and he didn't immediately make a move to get out. I asked him if he was ready or if he wanted to sit for a little bit and he said that he did want to sit for a little.

I turned the engine and the heater back on and turned on my cd player and searched for a song. He grabbed my chin and thanked me for coming and told me that he was glad that I had made it. He then told me to crawl over onto his lap.

I told him that I had some tricks that I'd learned in the car and could demo them. I climbed over without too much of a struggle and straddled him.

He began to kiss my neck and to nibble on my skin. He then began to kiss me in more intimate places and before you knew it, my shirt and bra were around my waist and he was reminding me of the reasons that I'd bothered seeing him in the first place.I told him that we couldn't because we were there in the car in front of his mother's house. I asked him what if someone saw us and he said, so?

I asked him why he was so rough with me when he nipped me a little hard and he told me, "Because I like it."

At one point, we sang "Wifey" lyrics to each other....but I couldn't tell you if it was before or after the bombshell.

I don't know what lead up to it other than that he'd been kissing me and then he said, "I love you" and I remember that he looked like he thought he was saying something cute. I immediately said the first thing that came to my mind, "nig*a, you don't love me. Don't tell me any Bs!" He's like, "I do have a love for you. You know you're my girl." I told him that it was both unethical and just wrong to even mention the "L" word this early in the game.

I don't know what I said after that...or what he said. But the conversation progressed and I sang "call me" and I sang the part talking about having another man and he asked me if i had one and I was like, what do you think and he's like, or is it three? and I told him that I didn't like juggling and that if one man wasn't doing his job, I'd just upgrade and that each guy that I dealt with seemed to be better than the last.

He told me that he hoped I wouldn't upgrade after him and I told him, "I hope so too"

Not long after, he went inside and I drove home.

I didn't hear from him the next day and I sent him a good night text on Monday and his response was a generic night night.

We haven't spoken since that night, nor has he text me.

I don't intend to call him again.

He might be at the comedy show that I go to tomorrow. I'm not sure how I should play it but, I'm going to try and mentally prepare myself for it.

I still believe that his "I love you" was completely disingenuine and that he was tyring to cover his ass after having dissed me all evening.

Then he said..."I Love You"

I can't write what lead up to it all because I'm tired and still trying to figure out how it happened.

I'm shocked.......