Well...I went and done it!

I had sex with Paul. It was pretty decent. I don't understand why I opted to do it. After all...we were "taking things slow" and it was going well. It's been nice to have someone that I am attracted to and enjoy spending time with who isn't trying to get into my pants.

We got together around nine or ten and watched a few movies. After the last one...I sort of turned in his arms and inhaled his scent. He always smells great. So we wound up kissing and things went from there. The thing is that I had an out. He asked me if I was comfortable with going all the way at that time and also told me that it was "perfectly fine" if I wasn't. Initially I said that it was best to not do so. We fooled around for a few hours and then the next thing I know...he'd driven me completely mad with passion and I begged him....yes...begged him to f*ck me.

It was a pretty intense evening. I don't regret it..but I wonder how it's going to impact our association with one another. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. The thought of that scares me. Beside that, I'm really wanting to get together with Robert, but, he's in another state and we've got no understanding established, thus, we're both fair game. I guess that I like spending time with Paul and I don't want our comfort zone to change. I fear that in making our interaction sexual, it might speed up the process and create a false sense of intimacy. This might lead to his wanting a relationship and I don't want to be rushed into anything. On the other hand, he might be like the average jerk and not really want anything other than sex from here on in. The sad part about that is that I'm better prepared to deal with the latter scenario versus the former. I'm really messed up in the head....