Emotional Plastic Surgery

I was watching tv and saw a show on plastic surgery. The patients wanted surgery on themselves in order to look more like they felt on the inside. They wanted to be more beautiful, more feminine...different from how they actually were. The interesting thing about it, is that typically plastic surgery is a good thing for people when done in moderation. It helps them to feel more confident about themselves.

I wish that there were some sort of emotional plastic surgery procedure available. If there were, I'd take all of the sadness and self-doubt off and replace it with a permanent happy exterior. I'd have my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority replaced with confidence and have a nice pert superiority complex applied. Not a big, bold one, just one that's cute and perky that people seem to like.

I'd streak my personality with highlights just like hair. I'd be charismatic and enthusiastic. I'd enhance my funny side, just like breasts, maybe I'd go "DD"! After all, who can ignore that? If I could do these things, maybe I'd be in a better position to handle the dating game....maybe I'd actually find someone who could appreciate who I am...and love that person.


At the very least, maybe I could be that someone.


He called me every night for a week. I think he was doing it to disprove my point that he used to call me every night and had ceased. I also think that it's been his intention to keep the lines of communication open so that I'd be inclined to get together with him again. I was in doubt as to whether or not I'd be willing to do it. I wasn't certain if I could handle it emotionally and still question whether or not agreeing to see him had been a wise decision.

The first thing that he asked me to do was to give him a hug. The hug lasted for easily five minutes. It ended with us kissing. I was weak...but I thought that I could handle it. We sat and talked for a while and he mentioned that he was sure that there would be many men that I would be able to choose from. Again, only emphasizing to me that he was not an option. I felt a part of me harden as I attempted to steel myself against the rush of emotions that threatened to take hold of me.

I listened to him talk about how worried about his friend who had a tumor removed this week. He talked about counting ones blessings and all of that. We discussed spirituality and things of that nature. I massaged his neck and he kissed me between my breasts through the t-shirt that I wore. He asked if I were to be walking down the street with my husband and I saw him if I'd say hello and I told him that I wouldn't. The sort of man that I want to marry would be offended that I'd greet someone who I'd just had a sexual relationship with. It is disrespectful. He agreed that it was right and then tried to gauge if perhaps in a few years we both met up and I was widowed....I stopped entertaining it and told him that in that time he'd be too old for me to be interested in at all. Did I mention that he's 14 years my senior?

He would take these liberties because I would let him. Of this, we were both confident. It was truly a sweet torture. I could not delight in the knowledge that he desired me because I knew that even that had it's limits. He can't tell you anything about me. He has asked me the same things over and over because I am not important to him. How could I let him become important to me?

Why do I grieve the loss of this connection more than the loss of a five year relationship? Why does this hurt cut deeper? Perhaps with the LTR I knew for a long while before that it was over. I had the assurance that if I really wanted my ex back, I could have him. I was, after all, admittedly, the best gf he'd had. I'd certainly given more to him than any woman had in his past. Perhaps I felt such a keen sense of loss because I'd really pictured this as hhaving long term potential. This man was consistent with what I want in a man and the depth of passion that I felt...still feel for him, is unlike anything that I've experienced before.

All I know is that spending that time with him was heartbreaking. We went to dinner and I tried to behave normally but I felt a tinge of bitterness in the words that I said. He hinted that he could show me some things and I told him that he couldn't. He questioned whether he would never be able to and I told him that I have a friend who says that he never uses that word, and the reasoning but that I don't agree with that.

He finally took me back to my car. He asked me to return to the city with him and his house. I told him that he's got things to do out there. He told me "so". I told him that it wasn't a good idea and what would I be getting out of it? He laughed and got out of the car and then swept me into his arms and began massaging my shoulders and back. He melted my defenses quite a bit...that has always been one of his powers over me. He told me to kiss him and I did. It went on from there and he wanted me to touch him, but I wouldn't and we eventually got to my car and he told me goodnight.

I feel terrible for doing what I did and even worse for not seeking an escape in his arms. I feel so damned depressed now. I know that I did the right thing, but I question whether or not I will be able to experience the things with anyone else that I felt with him.

It wasn't just the passion, although he's got everyone beat in that are. Thinking of him can cause my entire body to flush and make me feel as if I'm having a hot flash. It's the feeling of being at peace because I'm in his presence. I could relax with him and feel safe and special and....*sigh*

Sometimes I feel as if every bad thing that happens is payment for something terrible that I must have done. I tried to do things the right way when I got involved with this guy and still, things went to hell. I feel as if I should never date again.