Literary Tears

He thinks he's got me figured out and I won't hear from him again! It's for the best, but, it certainly doesn't feel that way. I suppose that this will actually help in my getting over him. Without the phone calls or any contact, I'll be forced to deal with the loss. I certainly have no justifiable reason to contact him, so, I will not do so. I only wish that it didn't hurt so much. I wish that I could just turn my emotions off and not feel the way that I do. I wish that I could also be completely honest with myself and the people that are now trying to get to know me.

I don't want to be rude, but, I'm not interested in the least. I can't see myself with a single one of them. Granted, most of them have fallen off to the wayside since my return from Los Angeles and not calling anyone to initiate contact. One, however, says things that make me feel slightly defensive, as if I need to make a decision right now.

I hate feeling pressured and I will have to be quite frank. I told him the last time that we talked that I am feeling very down as I'm trying to get over someone....what more should I have said? I think that people see an opportunity when they feel that you are vulnerable and seek to try and get in where they can.

I only wish that I could find some way to change how I feel about him instantaneously that would last. Why can't I be happy that he's out of my life? Apparently he's not agonizing over the situation.

My friend tried to tell me last night that everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah. I don't buy it. Sometimes terrible things happen to good people and vice versa simply because that's life. Time and unforseen occurrence befall us all. There are some things for which we cannot prepare. Things will not always go the way that we want them. If they were to do so, how many wars do you think we'd have? How many people would drop dead out of the blue? Or be tortured? Or go broke? How many of us would be left on this planet if things always happened as we'd like.

I think that he is trying to get at the fact that there is some sort of connection between us that should be explored. He lives over four hundred miles away in Los Angeles. I cannot have a romantic relationship with someone who lives that far away. I need so much more from any adult relationship that I have than an instant message can give me. *sigh*

Besides, I hardly know him. While he offers a lot of spirtitual advice and insight into my personality and even that of his own, I cannot say that I feel for him what I feel for this whirlwind of a man that I was involved with.

I feel hopeless and sad that I will never meet anyone who makes me feel so intensely who will not hurt me again. I feel sad that I've lost someone that I felt close to. I feel lost.