Time to get back to work

Over the last week, I have spent several evenings with the object of my obsession. He even spent the night here.

We had a serious conversation regarding what it is that we are seeking from one another a couple of weeks ago. He is unwilling to commit to anyone right now *sound familiar?* and wanted to know what I want from him.

I told him that I'm still vague on what I want from him.

I asked him in turn what it is that he wants from me. He told me that he enjoys our conversations as well as the other things that we do. He also told me that he does not want to hurt me and if it means that in order to be happy, that I do not want to spend time with him or ever see him again, he understands, but, it is my choice. *again, sound familiar?*
He followed up that he is selfish and that if he had his way, I would be his.

****I feel the same way. I would love to have the commitment of several people at once so that I would always have a standby, but, that is not realistic nor is it practical. Most importantly, it is not ethical or moral.

The gist of it all is that he is unwilling to commit to me and that he will continue to live his life as he has been doing. He will see the various people that he has seen and he will make the decision to settle down when he chooses.

I suppose that I should be greatful for his honesty. After all, even Ron who was nearly twice his age did not manage to do that. It has been very disappointing, but, I am not surprised. He is twenty-two years old, attractive and packing heat below the belt. What else should one expect?

We wound up getting together last Monday and spending most of the night together. He told me that a relative had been shot and that his grandmother was in the hospital and how difficult it has been for him to keep things together. We talked about relationships and how we managed to get to this stage in our lives.

The rest of the week was a blur. He'd told me that he will not be faithful and I'd told him that I was happy with what he is currently giving me but that I am uncertain what I want from him in general. Essentially I've given him the go ahead to drink from my cup and not worry about paying for refills.

We spent several days and evenings together. I had him fix my door and some stuff on my car in order for him to get the money that he needed to replace his car's starter.

As I read over this stuff, all that I can think is how out of control my life is and how I really need to do a thorough cleaning both literally and figuratively.

The only way that I will be able to do this and to maintain it is to go back. I have fought it for a long time, but, what have I got to lose?

I had the relationship with S standing in the way before, but, I don't have that now. Ron's out of the picture, this guy is going back home which will conclude this newfound "closeness" and there really is no one else who could act as the distraction that these people were to me.

I'm so tired of working hard for other people. It is time to do it for myself. The worst that could happen is that I fail, but, I'm already doing that anyway so there really would be no difference.