Sitting on the porch in a swing...

Today started off on such a negative note. I had this long blog first thing this morning. I woke up to a love song that was so sentimental and expressed what I want to have with someone and it made me want to cry...first thing this morning...needing to be to work in an hour. It was terrible. That song, or at least it's message, adversely affected my mood for the rest of the day. I was in a funky mood. I felt down and negative but not upset...just restless and frustrated and really vulnerable. It doesn't help that he didn't call after I left him a message saying that I couldn't do him a favor. It merely emphasizes the fact that he only wants contact with me when he can gain something from the experience. Interacting with me is not enough for him. Whatever we had is so dead that even the ashes leave a bitter taste in my mouth....odd way to put it, eh?

I have this young guy that I had a one night stand with prior to meeting this guy that I'm grieving about, who keeps calling me and wanting to spend time. I am hurting too much to give any energy to trying to "get to know" him. I feel so empty and filled with pain at the same time. I cannot give anything positive right now...at least...that's what I tell myself.

The real issue is that I cannot take him seriously. He is very young and I don't feel passionately for him. I feel that I am chasing an elusive dream. I feel as if I will never feel this depth of emotion for a person again...if ever and it makes me feel hopeless.

I want to contact the guy, but, I'm beginning to annoy myself with the calls! I don't have anything to say so it feels really negative. It's almost business-like as he requests that I do things and I comply. It is so disatisfying...and yet, it is the only way that I can justifiably continue to have contact with him.

Some guy that had messaged me from dating site decided to stop talking to me because I posted a new pic on the site after talking to him....*sigh*

I think that the moral to this story is that I have a lot going on and perhaps the person that I'm looking for is out there...perhaps not, but dealing with these guys is not rewarding. I need to take a break----