Questions are whizzing through my mind

He sent me a musical text message for Valentine's Day after telling me that we couldn't get together on that day because he "has things to do." OoooooooooooooK

So I didn't bother to respond to his text, nor did I contact him until nearly midnight on Thursday night (in response to a message that he'd left that evening wishing me a good day).

On Friday, against my better judgment, I went out to see his show all by myself.

I'd tried to get several male friends to go with me, but, had been unable to secure a "date."

It was my intention to show up with a man and try and make him jealous.

I am glad that I did not manage to get anyone.

When I showed up, he was looking extremely sexy with his hat on and dress shirt and jewelry.

He appeared like the "player" that I have accused him of being.

It was supposed to be a comedy roast for his birthday and so there were several comedians there to do just that.

I felt myself feeling (several emotions that I cannot name all at once) when his friend said that he didn't want to put him on blast but that he was getting more p*ssy now that he was in the wheelchair than when he could walk.

I also felt that same emotion (threatenend, betrayed, angry, scared?) when he talked about his "dating" experiences including going down on someone and getting stuck by her legs and women getting mad when they found his mother's thongs in the laundry.

It didn't help that he talked to a bunch of attractive women and seemed to be receiving a lot of "love" more than I was comfortable with.

I made it a point to not pay attention to him during those times and try not to let my feelings show on my face.

I am not sure what I really want out of my dealings with him.

I am clear that I want full devotion. That is a constant for me.

Do I really believe that I will ever get that? No.

It doesn't hurt to want though, does it?

However, when I went into the club...he did tell the bouncer that I was his "girl." He also referred to me as such a couple of other times later in the evening, BUT, it was to his friend that we were giving a ride....so it's not like he's announced to anyone that we are an item.

The vestiges of the rational person that I was pre-sex realizes that I should not allow for these experiences to bother me.

On the other hand, it is hard for me to control the addiction.

We had sex when we finally came in. As usual, he was incredible.

He took my "anal innocence" the previous Friday and he wound up getting in last night and giving it to me for a while.

I finally had to stop him when he began to pound me.

I think that it would have been ok if I'd had some lube on board, but, we were using his saliva (which tends to abound) and so that had to work.

Afterwards, he gave me a really good back massage and I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and it was apparent that he'd been hurting.

He was still outside of the covers.

Perhaps he was hurting or perhaps too tired to get up during the night and get under the blankets.

Perhaps it was a combination of the two....

I kissed his forehead and came awake.

I rubbed his back for a time and finally left after kissing him goodbye and thanking for him having me again and again and again...

An hour or so after I got home, I received a phone call from him. He wanted to ensure that I'd made it home safely.

He had not done that in a while....

We had a brief conversation last night as he was rubbing my back.

He'd mentioned that he sometimes doesn't like talking to me because I raise my voice.

That is apparently a pet peeve of his. The thing is that I don't raise my voice when talking to him...but I'm a loud person by nature so I think he sometimes perceives my yelling when in fact, I am not.

I told him that I oftentimes give in to his way because he's an Alpha male and I knew that I wouldn't win and he readily agreed.

Lol...

What have I gotten myself in to?