Jumbles

I'm such an idiot! I have met someoen who is so much like me that it's not funny. It makes me joyous to be understood and it makes me afraid. I know the negative things about me, I fear that those negatives might be true of him as well. On the other hand, I feel stupid for even entertaining the idea of anything coming of it all. He's in another part of the country, neither of us can drop everything and move to be close to one another. Those points aside, we haven't met in person. It could very well turn out to be that we don't have the same connection in person once we're faced with the reality of each other. We've each developed an image of the other person, but, how skewed is that image? I could easily fall head over feet for this guy and that's what frustrates me.

This is the first time in my life that I've encountered a person who understands my thoughts and views...someone who actually reflects them. It is special. I am afraid to be anything more than a friend to this person, yet, my nature won't allow me to merely harbor friendly feelings for him.

I am so very confused about how I should conduct myself. I am so very, very confused. I wish that the answers were clear and that I could tell how things will turn out so that I can gain some peace of mind. I am so happy to know him and sad too! I move too fast...feel too intensely and cool off quickly. I am such a silly woman!

Change

I'm allowing myself to fall for someone new and altogether different from anyone that I've been with before. I don't know where it's going. On the other hand, we finished our training for the company. I'm looking forward to getting started with that. I hope that everything works out. I'm not sure if I'm going to see Paul again. He's a really nice guy, but, I don't know that I'm feeling him.

Grandma

My grandmother was diagnosed with colon and breast cancer about five years ago. Friday afternoon she went to the hospital because she showed signs of internal bleeding. It turns out that she was bleeding internally and they admitted her. I'm not sure what they are going to do, but, it's pretty scary. My grandmother is more like a mother to me than my mother ever has been. I'm really stressed out.

SF :)

I went to Sf with my best friend to go dancing last night. It was awesome! We hadn't been to the City in forever and we were pretty excited to be going at last. The trouble with where we live is that the guys aren't very aggressive when it comes to asking women to dance at the clubs. In addition to that, it's hard to get them to dance at all. They tend to chase the girls who all look alike here, average sized blonde girls with that same hairstyle...you know the one where the hair is clipped up and the bangs are worn in a swoop. :) If not the chicks fitting this description, they MIGHT deviate from that and go for the cute little Asian chicks. So much for diversity in this burg. Oh well.

Sf was a lot of fun. I danced with several guys and my friend ran into a guy that she's talked to off and on for four years. They connected and that was a good thing.

I talked to Robert on Friday for a couple of hours. He's been sick and his father was sick last week...he was actually hospitalized. The more that I talk to him, the more that I find I'm attracted to him. He said again that he'd like me to come out there; we'll see where that goes....

Paul and I were supposed to get together yesterday but he got really busy so...he wanted to get together today...I don't think so! We've agreed to chat and agree on another date and time to catch a movie or something.

Update on Robert

I called Robert last Thursday and we talked for nearly three hours until his phone died. It was, as usual, a long and entertaining converation. I really enjoy the way he thinks and he makes me feel excited about so many different things. My concern is that I really really really like him but he's a million miles away and his being of a different culture might kill any chances of anything serious before we even get started.

While I know we would connect sexually, I'm not sure how far all of this can really go. That makes me really sad and it also gives me justification to see people that are here. We have made no promises to each other. Hell, we haven't even discussed being a couple, so I'm not doing anything wrong. I just wish that I could see where this is going so that I can prepare myself emotionally for whatever will come.

In the meantime, he's the greatest guy that I've met in a very long time and I look forward to seeing him. Did I mention that I'm seriously considering taking a trip to Texas? Lol.

Well...I went and done it!

I had sex with Paul. It was pretty decent. I don't understand why I opted to do it. After all...we were "taking things slow" and it was going well. It's been nice to have someone that I am attracted to and enjoy spending time with who isn't trying to get into my pants.

We got together around nine or ten and watched a few movies. After the last one...I sort of turned in his arms and inhaled his scent. He always smells great. So we wound up kissing and things went from there. The thing is that I had an out. He asked me if I was comfortable with going all the way at that time and also told me that it was "perfectly fine" if I wasn't. Initially I said that it was best to not do so. We fooled around for a few hours and then the next thing I know...he'd driven me completely mad with passion and I begged him....yes...begged him to f*ck me.

It was a pretty intense evening. I don't regret it..but I wonder how it's going to impact our association with one another. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. The thought of that scares me. Beside that, I'm really wanting to get together with Robert, but, he's in another state and we've got no understanding established, thus, we're both fair game. I guess that I like spending time with Paul and I don't want our comfort zone to change. I fear that in making our interaction sexual, it might speed up the process and create a false sense of intimacy. This might lead to his wanting a relationship and I don't want to be rushed into anything. On the other hand, he might be like the average jerk and not really want anything other than sex from here on in. The sad part about that is that I'm better prepared to deal with the latter scenario versus the former. I'm really messed up in the head....

My tree

You Are A Hazelnut Tree

You're a charmer with a killer sense of humor. You are very demanding, but you can also be very understanding. No matter what, you always make a lasting impression - you're quite popular. Passionate, you are an active fighter for social causes and politics. In general, you are moody, honest, a perfectionist, and very sexual.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

The Call

Robert called me late Thursday evening. We talked for two and a half hours on a variety of subjects. During his call, Paul called and I didn't bother to click over. After all, I knew why he was calling and didn't want to get together that night. He didn't know that I had strep.

As for Robert, I was quite surprised to hear from him. While we parted on friendly terms, I never really believe a guy when he says that he wants to keep in touch. Perhaps because as much as I say I'd like to, I never do.

We discussed a variety of subjects, including war, education, history, parenting and personal accountability. He told me of some of his experiences in Iraq, but, nothing that was too intense. I've noticed that he has a habit of trying to shield people from that experience. I did find out that he'd nearly been killed over there and some of what went through his mind in those moments.

I don't know what is going on with him. I really like him, but, I'm not certain if this is another of those siuations that I seem to be receptive too. It's not been uncommon for me to be a true confidante to a couple of young men. I would typically get involved with them romantically, probably too soon and then a friendship would ensue after the sex had stopped. This isn't a bad thing, but after about the second or third time, it gets to be annoying. :) I am wondering if this is not perhaps what the fate of my relationship with Robert will be. Either way, I find it quite fascinating to get to know him better and will value his friendship.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be opposed to much more with him. He makes me laugh and smile. He's got such a strong set of morals and an old fashioned sense of duty to his family that is quite admirable.

How I wish I could figure this out.

Under my skin

I've got strep throat! :( I developed a bit of a sore throat last night while I was working. By eight or nine this morning, I had an ear ache to boot! I called my physician's office, ( did I mention that I have the sexiest Asian man for a doctor?), and tried to get a prescription called in for an ear infection. The receptionist told me that they'd want me to come in to be sure that that's what it was rather than something else. I went in and sure enough, it was strep! I've got body aches and chills. My throat is still sore but feeling somewhat better now that I'm taking the tylenol and antibiotics. Boy, what a day!


I spoke with P and she seems to be doing a little better. I got over to her house and watered her plants, fed her goldfish and gave her snake some water. That was a different experience, the whole snake thing. I think that he was angry with me for neglecting him for so long because he was out and watched me the entire time that I struggled to open his tank and give him his water.

As for Ms. P, she's linked back up with her not so great host in Oklahoma City and they've made a truce of sorts. He's admitted that he's not over his wife and that he selfishly used her to try and get over the fact that the wife has left him and probably won't be back. Hmm...she's got a new bf that she's making the children call, Daddy, you think she's coming back? I'm glad that he's been able to finally cut her some slack and be somewhat honest. I still think he's a major DICK for having done that to her, but, as the old saying goes, people only do to us what we allow them to do. The moral to this story, folks: Don't meet anyone from the net and agree to move to another location to be with them until you've known them for a reasonable amount of time. What is reasonable? I'd say, at least a year if it's long distance. Personally, I wouldn't move for anyone that I hadn't known for forever, but, that's just me.

I'm sleeping for a few hours at a time and then waking. It's really a little unnerving. I feel somewhat disjointed. I look forward to the time when I feel like myself again. If only I knew how long that would be....

My son's father came to pick up our child. It was ok seeing him. He told me that he loved me. I've found that no matter how hard I try, it's difficult to be close with him. He's never been one to make me feel special. Perhaps I've got a huge ego or something. I don't know. He just makes me feel so very ordinary and doesn't ever seem to understand my motives or way of thinking. I should just let him know how I feel but it seems to take such effort and everything with him is a battle. That can't be healthy.

Losing

I spoke with Robert tonight on the computer. He told me how he really enjoyed talking with me the other night and all of this other positive stuff. He told me that I'm intelligent and respectable. I know..that might sound strange, but, considering some of the things that occurred, that's quite a compliment! Lol.

I could easily allow myself to become so deeply infatuated with him that I can't see straight. Hell, I already am to a degree. I wish that I could be held by him for forever and ever and ever.....(sigh)

The situation with P has gotten worse. The guy turned out to be a real loser and told her that he's not attracted to her because of her stomach! What an asshole! He has her come all the way to Oklahoma in order to drop that bomb on her!

I figured out what it is about Paul that makes everything seem so smooth. He's mentally stimulating, but I think that he must be an SJ. I don't feel as if he's got me caught up in him mentally. That's not to say that I won't give him a chance..but, I don't feel all of those overwhelming emotions because I'm not stimulated by him the way that I would if he were more abstract. I still like him a lot. He makes me feel a lot different than any man has before. It's a nice change.

Saturday night

Last night was spent with Paul. Actually, we didn't part ways until after five this morning. Until quite recently, I referred to him as "boring Paul". I felt that way primarily because we seem to not have common interests. He's very active and I'm not. He's relatively easy going and I'm not :). He's got a brilliant mind. He's got a BS in Mathematics and I've got the aptitude of a three year old when it comes to numbers.

I've spent time with him once before. It was quite relaxing. The evening was spent watching television, (my favorite thing to do these days) , and talking until four in the morning. We gave each other massages, (nothing sexual), and didn't even kiss. It was all great for me because I felt no pressure to be anyone other than myself and to enjoy the feeling of exchanging thoughts and ideas with someone else without artifice.

I could tell that he was attracted to me, thus I felt no compulsion to do anything with him. I know, it makes little sense, but, I felt that I'd won the battle. He's reasonably attractive, with that in mind, I knew that if the opportunity presented itself I wouldn't pass. However, I wasn't about to initiate any sort of intimacy.

Last night he kissed me. It was quite a surprise. I've been kissed before and it never quite affected me in the same way. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he's got quite a bit of passion. I never expected so much from a person who seems so even temepered as himself. Call me naive, and it wouldn't necessarily be that far off. I've had little experience with men and even less when it comes to normal and positive experiences. This was different from anything that I'd experienced before.

I wasn't knocked off my feet. Every thought didn't fly out of my mind. I did enjoy it immensely. I found myself wondering as I was locked in his surprisingly strong embrace whether or not this lack of overwhelming emotion was a sign of something so much better than anything I've experienced before.

He is a careful and precise person who believes in handling things in a logical manner. He respects me enough to not try and scew my brains out the first time that he sees me. I am attracted to his mind and the way that he thinks . He's reasonably attractive and I don't see happening with him what happened with Andy. He's got goals and has accomplished much for his age and I admire that. I don't know where my head is at but I'm happy when I'm with him. Not ecstatic...just happy. That's a good thing. I'm tired of the major ups and downs of the game of love...it's time for something simple and sweet.

Obsessing

Ok..so I'm going to obsess for probably the next few weeks. Robert was absolutely amazing! I wish that I could really get to know him better. I regret that we didn't have more time but I'm very glad that he's back here and safe again. If only if only if only...

Friday Nights Are Always Like This....

It's another Friday night spent cooped up in this house with too many children running around making noise in the background. I got asked out by Paul again tonight, but, I'm kinda sore and I've got my little boy with me this weekend. For that reason, hanging out with sweet, mild-mannered Paul, is not going to happen.

I'm kinda tired, in spite of that fact that I chilled with Robert last night. He's awesome. He was far cuter in person than even his pics indicated he would be. I really enjoyed the fact that he had some depth. Our conversation revealed an earnest, yet funny young man with so much drive and potential to be even greater than he is. It's too bad that I won't be seeing him again. I'm only glad that I got the opportunity to meet him and could kick my own ass for not doing it much sooner. He's definitely going places and I wouldn't mind riding the wave of him...er...with him. :)

I'm really wanting to clean this place up and get rid of a lot of things. If my best friend does move out of state, I want to get a webcam so that she can see me. I told her I'd get one because I NEVER take pics and if I didn't get one, she'd never see me again! :) As it stands, I've got tons of stuff all over the place and I feel like my whole life is out of control.

I want to get the business under way and successful enough that I can afford to move out. I feel that as a young woman in my mid-twenties, it's completely appropriate for me to separate from my family and get my own place. I deserve it, my son needs it and hell, how else am I supposed to be able to have a normal relationship with a guy?